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DIY Sheep versus Doctor Who
Total Tosser Productions
DIY Sheep rocks big time
DIY Sheep versus Doctor Who
any idiot can
Saturday, 9 July 2005

Ministry of Truth

The undead are people too: MOT goes zombie

I have learned one very important thing from writing this column: I thought I knew what culture was and I was wrong. Culture is not just fat ladies singing opera. Culture is everything from the movies we watch, the books we read to the advertisements on the side of buses. In terms of culture there is no one genre or medium that is more important than another. Celebrity Fat Camp tells us just as much about our society as that new arty farty Booker prize winning novel about the trials and tribulations of a blind cheese maker from Southern Tasmania in the 1860s. Every book, TV show or movie tells us something about ourselves and everything is beautiful in its own way.

However I am a little stumped by Big Brother.

If anyone can come up with a plausible explanation for Big Brother that doesn’t indicate the human race are a bunch of complete sad weirdoes who should be humanely put down immediately please write in. The only word I can use to describe the people on that show is apes. I practically expected the boys to start grunting. Although the noises they were making the other day were not very far off from that, but I think they were attempting to talk.

I don’t want to even contemplate that this is a microcosm of Australian culture. If that is Australian culture I am moving to a war zone immediately. I don’t mind the salacious and the silly, but this makes me embarrassed to share the same genetic material with these (and I use the word loosely here) people. Big Brother: The We Were So Desperate for Ratings We Just Found Some Monkeys and Shaved Them season looks more like a David Attenborough wildlife documentary. There is the one with the stupid hair and the stupid name who is the alpha male; the one who seems to think it is okay to hit women (if you are provoked enough) and the fawning females who seem to spend quite a bit of time grooming each other. I do realize that they have been dumped in a situation that has no social context, but this is like a sexed up chav version of Lord of the Flies.

File under: Do you know the official description for a Hot Dog? Emulsified High Fat Offal Tube. Pretty darn accurate if you ask me.

And I am not even going to mention that episode of the new Doctor Who coming up where the Doctor ends up in a futuristic Big Brother house where when you get evicted you get horribly and violently killed in a number of interesting ways. But it gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling that there might be hope for the future of mankind after all.

And speaking of watching a bunch of mindless zombies…

Shaun of the Dead

Or how I learned to stop worrying about the undead and love my inner zombie: a film

Culture feeds on itself. Shaun is an ‘omage to the horror genre and is filled with blood drenched zombies groaning ominously and lurching out of doorways. If it were American this film would never had worked. They would have taken it all far too seriously and probably cast Tom Cruise as a hard working blue collar father of two slightly dysfunctional but adorable kids who, forced by tragic circumstances, becomes a kick ass zombie killing machine. Fortunately this film was made by the British Black Books/Spaced/Little Britain crowd and they don’t take anything seriously – even zombies (sorry, the living impaired). It makes being a zombie seem fun and upbeat.

And speaking of what happens to your society when your citizens behave like mindless zombies…

Not Happy John

A book about why democracy is really really important by Margo Kingston

The other day I accidentally gave a little presentation about the importance of democracy to a bunch of people who basically vote by closing their eyes and sticking a pin into the ballot. Amazingly they had never made the connection between all those ‘government initiatives’ that make their lives a misery and who they vote for. People admitted they voted for the person with the nicest sounding name. Aided by some groovy cartoons and a white board I managed to explain the entire political system from the constitution downwards, including the concept of federalism. And they got it.

You have never seen a bunch of people collectively start to think ‘OH’ like this. There were the single mums, the scruffy bloke who you don’t want to sit next to on the bus, the chap who went to the school of hard knocks – people society writes off. What Howard forgets is that these people may not drive a BMW, but they are not stupid. They wanted to know. Light bulbs were going off left right and center. Questions were coming in thick and fast. People who had never even contemplated the concept of democracy before were suddenly realizing politics is important to them.

They realized democracy meant they had power. They didn’t have to accept everything the politicians told them without question. That the system was designed for them. And they were angry: ‘But no one ever told us’ was the cry that went up. ‘Why weren’t we taught this? Why weren’t we told?’ They may not have taken home all the particulars of my deconstruction of the various sections of the constitution, but they will think twice next time they vote.

I’d tell them to read Margo’s book, but they don’t read books and I can’t proselytize that they should. But sometimes we need to be reminded about why we have all this government crap, why it is important and how a certain overly eyebrowed little chap is doing his best to undermine it.

File under: Democracy is the non ‘let’s blow up a number of trains to make a point’ way to change society. It is slow, nasty process, but it appears to be the best one we’ve got. A bugger, but there you go.

Posted by diysheep at 1:44 AM EDT
Updated: Saturday, 9 July 2005 1:55 AM EDT
Sunday, 19 June 2005

Dead Time Lord Walking

I'm sorry, but it has to be done

I just watched the bugger die again - and I actually liked this one.

Young Chris has snuffed it as Doctor Who and I am not a happy camper. Oh stuff it. I did want to say something intelligent and witty, but I am too emotionally drained (and for some reason listening to Phil Collins), so if you will excuse me I am going to go after Russell T with an axe and a sense of self righteousness.

Posted by diysheep at 10:14 AM EDT
Updated: Sunday, 19 June 2005 10:19 AM EDT
Saturday, 18 June 2005

Peanut addled! Me!

Some little effing wanker sent in a letter calling me a peanut brained reporter.

1. I have a hideous allergy to peanuts and would die even if I caught sight of someone in a passing taxi eating an almond.

2. I am not a reporter. My er personal ranto column is theoretically devoted to culture. It ain't journalism darlink. It was just a big rant about Rupert Murdoch. Thereby ensuring that I will never ever work in the journalism industry.

3. Er - hang on... there might have been a point to this.

Ah yes. I told him to try reading the magazine next time instead of trying to shove it up his left nostril. Perfectly reasonable I thought.

Posted by diysheep at 6:59 AM EDT

To Name: left blank and Comment: left blank -


Posted by diysheep at 6:45 AM EDT
Friday, 3 June 2005

The Second Coming

A television mini series that would have the Catholic Pope John Paul II turning in his bigoted little grave: the son of god is played by the new Doctor Who and it’s written by a poof.

Here is the good news. The new Son of God is called Steve, he works in a video store in Manchester and he looks like he could trip over his own ears. Yeah – I know – it is kind of kinky to think of Manchester as the new Jerusalem. But it could have been worse. It could have been Wales… or Ulladulla – the cheese capital of Australia (although that does bring credence to that Monty Python line from the Life of Brian where he says “blessed are the cheese makers”).

What would happen if the Son of God turned up in Ipswich or on Christmas Island? Would he have to line up and fill out a form? Would he have to apply for asylum before immigration throws him out of the country, or would he just end up in a detention center until he can provide some sort of divine visa? Perhaps he is actually here now, abandoned somewhere in an uncaring government system and we just don’t know it. If so Alexander Downer, John Howard and Amanda Vanstone are heading straight for hell.

Russell ‘the poof’ T. Davies’ version of Christ is not a pious one. Christopher ‘the new Doctor Who’ Eccleston’s Son of God is a bloke who likes nothing better than a beer and nice shag with his lady friend. There could be a message in that somewhere. Sorry pious types: apparently the hit of a cigarette and the joy of finding a taxi in the rain is what it is all about. Although considering popular tastes that might be a big selling point for religion.

If you have ever seen a Bible in passing you can probably be able to guess the ending of The Second Coming. However what will surprise you will be the reason. Russell T. appears to have an unprecedented faith and trust in the human race. He reckons we can do it on our own. Which considering the current state of the world is either rather touching or completely barmy.

Although perhaps you could argue that Russell T.’s faith in a secular humanism can be justified? Secular humanism basically means a belief in you and me and everybody, rather than some divine being by the way. Think of the protester in Tianamen Square who stood out from the crowd and in front of a tank. Think of the doctors who work in third world countries. Think of that guy who picked up your wallet when you dropped it and gave it back to you without nicking the cash inside. Perhaps there is hope for us all.

If you missed it on the ABC last month, you have to either nick it off the Internet or buy it on line. I did ask the ABC if they were stock it and they mumbled something about government cut backs.

File under:

Well… So God has retired and left us to it. To what or whom do we turn?

Posted by diysheep at 6:31 PM EDT
Sorry American Guy

name: American Guy

comment: Hi, I hope that you would invite me to a dinner party, even though I'm a UN violating American. I loved the Dr. Who movie. And don't forget, over half of my country DIDN'T vote for George the first time around.

Mmmm - sorry American Guy. Some of my best friends are Democrats.

I did get a little carried away with that review of Doctor Who The Movie. And before someone points smugly out it was made in Canada, that is not what I was narked about. What annoyed me was that it was trying to pander to the American market, which was indicative of television at that time. Wanky guys with pony tails thought that if they stayed with 'the formula' they would have a sure fire hit.

Sadly we now know that is not the truth.

And actually I recently went to a very nice dinner party with two American lawyers.

Posted by diysheep at 6:25 PM EDT
Updated: Friday, 3 June 2005 6:30 PM EDT
Tuesday, 24 May 2005
I have done a very bad thing

I didn't mean to. It just seemed like a good idea at the time. Six am on a Monday morning and for a laff (as Paul McGann would say) I whack up a freebie ezyboard forum for all the girls to talk about how sexy they find his ears. By Six pm - it is starting to turn into a thriving little community.

Well who knew.

By clicking on this link I admit that I do find Chris sexy and want to see pictures of him naked

My favourite is the thread entitled: If Christopher could flap his ears do you think he would be able to fly?

Yes... it was me!

Posted by diysheep at 11:07 PM EDT
Monday, 16 May 2005
But then again - who doesn't?

It’s not the size mate. It’s where you park it!

By DIY Sheep
Sort of like Noam Chomsky on acid

Invariably, whenever I want to turn right into oncoming traffic a bloody great 4WD decides to turn left from the incoming lane and completely blocks my view because trying to see around a 4WD is like trying to see around Russell Crowe’s ego.

I find this a travesty of all that is holy. Not the turning left thing: that, I am quite ok with. I have a great tolerance for people who like to turn left. I myself have done it on many many occasions. The question that perplexes me is this: why is every second car on the Gold Coast a 4WD Canyonero?

The (gratuitous and lengthy swearing) Gold Coast is as flat as a (more gratuitous swear words) pancake. Why in (colourful metaphor)’s sake would you need an all terrain vehicle? I do realize there is that nasty pot hole near the race course and that dodgy patch of road in Nerang, but really – is that an excuse for half of the Gold Coast to buy a Landriver Unnecessary?

I know all the excuses: They fit a lot of people in. I move a lot of stuff. Bollocks! The real reason people buy them is that they make people feel all powerful and dead sexy. Unfortunately, while said Toyota Viagra owner feels like James Bond while driving to the Southport Bi Lo, everyone else thinks they are a total tosser.

Has anyone ever informed the male section of the species that whenever a female sees a really snazzy mid life crisis killer hot car they do not think ‘now there is a stud’, but ‘now there goes a man with a bright yellow Porsche with a really stupid number plate and a penis that needs locating with a microscope’. My favourite is the gold Rolls Royce called Adrian that lives around Benowa. Judging by that hideous display I presume the poor bloke is a eunuch.

Telling the entire world you are impotent aside, what annoys me is the antisocial nature of the 4WD. They encourage people to drive like wankers. I know a man who gave up indicating all together after he bought his Landkiller Testosterone. I have learnt that 4WD drivers are special people – road rules, speed limits don’t apply to them because they ‘are special’ and big (although they will be ‘special’ after I give them brain damage with a cricket bat). Everywhere I look there is some fonking great behemoth doing something stupid and causing misery and havoc to their fellow road users. And that should be twice as much misery and havoc considering they take up twice as much space as everyone else.

The roads are full of silly rich women who need a humvee to drop little Tarquin and Jocasta off at school. I hate to say it, but their driving skills are a tad lacking. I know from long experience. Some days you couldn’t move at my St Poncy You Have To Wear A Hat All The Time school for the Canyoneros backing over the fourth graders.

And in answer to your question: I rode a bicycle. I was the only person in my school who rode a bike. Apparently it was actually against school rules, but by the time they got around to telling me I just said 'bollocks' to that. It shocked them no end that time when my father turned up one day to pick me up in a fonking great gold Rolls Royce. No comment on that one in regards to ego: but we also had a Mini Moke, so that makes up for it.

Ironically studies have shown that the average Canyonero Kiddie Crushers are far less safe than your ordinary sedan and that apparently the first thing they do when you have an accident is roll over and squash your head into your neck like Touche Turtle. This seems a little like inviting Hannibal Lecter around to cook dinner, thinking he will cook a nice meal and then wondering why you are the main course.

Personally I don’t care about the wankers – apart from when I have to endure yet another ‘I never realized 4WDs were evil until I backed over my toddler in the driveway story’ on Today Tonight.

That is what went through my brain the other day while trying to see around a 4WD, but then again I drive a very small, very sensible little car that is in no way a reflection of my ego. He may be old. He may have a rather ugly mustard yellow interior, but I do love Dennis very much.

Posted by diysheep at 12:17 AM EDT
Saturday, 14 May 2005
What is it with Doctor Who fans? I couldn't help myself when I was watching The Aliens of London:

I liked it.

And I know I am not supposed to. I am a Doctor Who fan. I am meant to hate everything about it, but the last five and half minutes from episode 4, season 12 (except not the bit with Michael Sheard in it).

But I couldn't help myself. I enjoyed it.

I think whinging is an essential part of being a true Doctor Who fan - like having insulted at least one NA writer or actually owning a question mark jumper (not that I do of course - no no no).

If you have read any of my reviews you would know that I like to see the fun happy side of things (well except for some later BF audios. Just like Paul McGann I can't even approach them sober any more.)

So I suck at being a true Doctor Who fan. I stay up late at night, staring at pictures of Sylvester McCoy and repeating Battlefield to myself.

But it just doesn't work. I love the little guy.

Posted by diysheep at 9:01 PM EDT
It is all about sex baby
Actually it is not. But if you scroll down a bit there is a fascinating article about the Michael Jackson Sex God Forum.

Well what is happening at Sheepie Central Today? Got up, ate breakfast.... sod me...

Most web blogs are the equivalent of telling people your dreams.


I don't care if you have arthritis, an inflamation of your splunge gland or if your 1984 Toyota Corolla broke down again because you thought oil was an optional extra.

But what is really annoying me this week is 'this chick' who for the past two editions has an article in my humble magazine. The silly bint keeps droning on about her bloody holidays in North Queensland. And what is worse: it is getting published. Oh god kill me now.

What - is she getting paid by the Queensland Tourist Board. She does everything, but put in room prices.

And she is dull as dishwater - I ooed when she 'drove due west for two and a half hours'. I ahhed when she 'took a short ferry trip'.

And I will be forever gratefull when she 'didn't see that car coming'.

Get a web blog you silly bint!

Posted by diysheep at 8:46 PM EDT

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