DIY Sheep versus Doctor Who and everybody else

The sappy one where Rose's dad snuffs it

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Serial 107 – Death Day
An Alternate Program Guide by Ewen Campion Clarke
From An Entry In The EC Unauthorized Guide O' Reaper Madness!

"YOA's Discontinuity Guides – Inaccurate But Caring."

Serial 107 – Death Day -

Aboard the TARDIS, the Doctor is idly playing catch with a golf ball and wondering what they should do this week. Rose requests that they travel back in time to 1987 for Christmas, so she will have a chance to see Santa Claus visit her baby self – a time Rose has understandably forgotten because she was out of her mind on brandy at the time.

This revelation lowers the Doctor's opinion of Rose's parents – no mean feat that, though.

He is disgusted that Jackie Tyler used to drug her baby to keep her quiet and he disapproves that Pete Tyler used to dress up as a fictional do-gooder and indoctrinate Western consumerist propaganda on a defenseless child.

Rose is a bit confused – is the Doctor saying that it wasn't REALLY Santa visiting her at Christmas? That it was her dad all along?

The Doctor holds his head in his hands and grunts, "Oh, for crying out loud, Rose," to himself.

"Yes! Your dad dressed up as Santa because that's what parents do. Father Christmas is just a marketing ploy to make low-income parents' lives a misery. I always think its better to have a small child sobbing with disillusionment because I told them there's no Santa Claus than their mother sobbing because one week's dole won't cover a Masters of The Universe Battle Cruiser!"

"You're saying Santa Claus isn't real?!"

"Well, sort of. You see, Rose, it was me. When I was younger, I was an older man – and a very frustrated old bastard too. Well, I was trying to fix this Horn of Plenty one day, thinking it was a personal organ enlargement unit. Turned out to be some magic toy-making thing that filled up the whole TARDIS full of consumer goods. I did the only thing I could – me and Susan materialized the TARDIS above the Earth and shoved all the crap out the airlock."

"So that's where Santa Claus comes from?"

"Yeah. Part from the red clothes – that's down to Coca Cola, that is!"

Rose is in deep denial, insisting that her father and Santa were best mates, even if there is no photographic evidence to the contrary and the Doctor, eager to prove a point, sets the TARDIS in motion!

Parte The First

Peter Alan Tyler and Jacqueline Andrea Suzette Prentice are married in a civil ceremony, and, to Jackie's irritation, Pete vomits on the priest while speaking the vows – he is still suffering from the stag night at the Lamb and Flag.

The Doctor and Rose sit quietly in the back through it all, the Time Lord pointing out that is Pete is SUCH good friends with Santa, why the hell isn't the kindly old elf at the wedding reception?

Rose clamps her hands over her ears and starting singing tunelessly attempting to block out the overwhelming reality.

Annoyed, the Doctor thus takes her to Jordan Road, just outside the council flats, on 7 November 1987 where Pete was struck down in the
street by a hit-and-run driver who was never caught, Pete was dead by the time the ambulance arrived; he died alone – clearly Santa Claus was either too busy that day checking on kids or else HE JUST DOESN'T EXIST DAMN YOU!

Rose finds this action incredibly sadistic, but the Doctor treats anyone that disagrees with him like this, so it seriously isn't anything personal. Honest.

Unfortunately, Pete has been run over during the Doctor's explanation of where they are and when they are and why they are here, and soon dies after they arrive.

"No sleigh bells, no pixie dust, no nothing!" the Doctor spits.

Rose knows one way to fix this – they go back to the TARDIS, go back a few hours in time, wait for the car accident to happen, and then Rose will ask her dying father the truth. Was he Santa Claus all the time?

The Doctor finds this plan moronic in the extreme, dangerous in temporal terms and doubts point blank that Pete's last dying words will be revealing a deeply-held secret to a total stranger.

However, he doesn't want to look like a chicken and so agrees.

As they wait for Pete to drive around the corner, the Doctor gives a very long and rambling speech about the dangers of time travel and that he wouldn't risk the sanctity of the universe if he wasn't very sure that 'Santa' is just Pete in a beard, wig and a dressing gown.

Rose, however, seems to have not been listening. Feisty.

She flags down Pete and asks him about the truth. He thinks she's a nutter and drives off, giving the distinct impression that yes, there IS a Santa Claus and no, Pete ISN'T him!

The Doctor is furious beyond measure – not only has Rose changed the course of human history entirely, she's also made him look like a complete pratt. He demands that they follow Pete and obtain the truth, while the earlier versions of the Doctor and Rose arrive.

"What happened then?" the earlier Ninth Doctor (Doctor B) asks.

"Oh, Rose over there just stuffed up time and space!" Doctor A replies caustically, slapping the earlier Rose (Rose B) over the head.

"What? You thought I'd just stand here and watch instead of saving my father from a horrible fate exactly like death?!" Rose B complains!

"Yes! You stand there, watch dispassionately and then say 'Where to next, then, Doctor?' and do that thing with your teeth!" Doctor B retorts. "Then I become increasingly cryptic and you take two years off from travelling to become a fetishist space hooker! 'New' Rose!"


"It's the closest I can get to the New Adventures on TV! Oh, the sex and drugs and violence and angst... You shoulda been there, Rose, it was FANTASTIC!!"

Leaving Doctor B to slap Rose B and generally complain, Doctor A and Rose A go to the Tyler's flat to learn the truth for ill. Meanwhile, an extremely-unconvincing puppet drops into view and says "Tick-tock".

As an identically-unbelievable marionette appears on the other side of Cardiff, also saying, "Tick-tock", Doctor A and Rose A sneak into the flat to locate Pete, who promptly throws them back out again. He shouts very loudly that he is NOT Santa Claus and if they keep hanging around here, he'll set Clive the Overweight Loan Shark on them.

Rose A is certain that this is proof her father never lied to her and Doctor A accuses Rose of masterminding the whole season from the very beginning just so she could travel back in time and do this!

"My entire planet died, my whole family. Do you think it never occurred to me go back and save them?"

"But you HATED your family."

"Well, yeah, that is that. Especially Owis, that little turd. And Glospin, I sure as hell hope HE suffered. And if Satthralope isn't pushing up daisiest daisies then I've got half a mind to go back in time and make sure she does!!"

Realizing he's losing his own argument, Doctor A demands Rose A come with him and flee the place before the Dommervoy arrive at this weak spot in time/space and begin to annihilate the damage.

Rose A thinks Doctor A is talking crap, again, and decides to stay behind and have some quality time with her father.

Doctor A laughs in her face and storms off back to the TARDIS to try and re-recruit Charlotte Church nee Pollard. He reminds Rose A that there are two MORE versions of themselves in 1987...

Yes, the young Ninth Doctor in his psycho ambition to kill Rose Tyler for ending his eighth incarnation, went back in time and lived for twenty years as her wacky and lovable neighbor just so in 2005 Rose would not suspect him until it was too late.

Thus, not only is the Ninth Doctor C living in the next flat, he also is so utterly furious he'll probably knife her to death on the spot. That, coupled with the damage to history saving a life of a perfectly ordinary man has done, means Rose A is stuffed.

Doctor A leaves and bumps straight into Doctor C, who is not happy. Not happy at all. Doctor C has devoted twenty whole ****ing years to getting in position to murder Rose Tyler and has discovered that his future self has not only FAILED to kill her but is now taking her through time and space just for a shag!

Doctor A tries to change the subject by pointing out that, even if they do happen to be the same person, this counts as stalking and just who the hell is this guy in the leather jacket to judge what the Doctor does with his own destiny?

Doctor C, however, has a knife.

Doctor A quickly agrees to his former self's insane revenge plot. Doctor A will leave right away in the TARDIS while Doctor C kills both Rose A and Pete, restoring time to normal. When Doctor C and Rose C age to become Doctor A and Rose A, Doctor A will lure Rose to come with him in the TARDIS and then contrive to return to 1987 where Doctor C is ready and waiting.

Doctor A wanders off while Doctor C goes cross-eyed double-checking his own plan and fingering his knife blade.

However, Rose A manages to fend off her father's unintentionally incestuous intentions and head for a wedding at the local church and avoid the psychotic Doctor C at the same time. He jumps into a beige car and begins to follow them.

Rose notices that not only has her phone got caught on some creepy mumbling line, but Oasis' Wonderwall is playing on the car radio over a decade before it is even recorded and the streets seem suddenly, inexplicably deserted.

However, it's understandable that she doesn't mention this as Pete's reckless driving endangers them both.

Elsewhere, Doctor B and Rose B have decided to gatecrash said wedding at said nearby church because... well, there's nothing else to do! Plus, it won't be long before they disappear in a puff of logic. As they stock up on rotten eggs to throw at the bride, more Dommervoy dangle jerkily around Cardiff, ticking and tocking.

The temperature drops, and the inhabitants of Cardiff begin to vanish as the distant valleys are bathed in a strange glow.

All this prompts the father of the groom to insist that this day will make his son regret getting married for the rest of his life.

"And if today doesn't, we will," vows Doctor B with a grin.

Doctor A, however, is running for the safety of his TARDIS as the Dommervoy begin to actually move around the place. He desperately unlocks his time machine to discover...

...a battered police box prop and a handwritten note saying, WHO'S LAUGHING NOW, TIME PUSSY?! stuck to the inside wall.

Realizing he now not only has the unearthly forces of the Dommervoy to content with but also that they know he is the same Time Lord that started several barroom brawls with them during the Temporal Difference of Opinion, Doctor A flees for Doctor B's TARDIS.

As Doctor C goes around the block waiting for the right moment to hit-and-run Rose Tyler, Doctor B and Rose B witness the arrival of Jackie Tyler and Rose C. Rose is around fifteen minutes old, but Jackie's not the sort to miss her mate's wedding even IF a C-section is required!

Jackie is disgusted when Pete arrives with Rose A, believing that her husband is trying to pick up cute blondes. Again. Pete denies this half-heartedly as Doctor B and Rose B prepare to throw the eggs.

Doctor A finds that the Dommervoy have already gotten to Doctor B's TARDIS and is now trying to find Doctor C's when he sees the ticking-tocking sawdust-fitted shapes vanishing children from a nearby playground. A young boy doesn't react at first, as he is used to his playmates running off the moment his back is turned.

To the Doctor's intense disappointment, the boy runs off to the church before the Dommervoy can shuffle him under the carpet of history forever. Annoyed at having missed the boy, the Dommervoy decide to stop piss-farting around and get serious.

Doctor A manages to beat them to the church and orders everyone to enter the building – the Dommervoy are far too politically correct to destroy a place of religious assembly and, as long as no one annoys them by screaming, they should be safe.

Would you believe it, Rose screams at them.

Well, it was Rose B and Doctor A had only told Rose A this, but it's still a stupid thing to do. Doctor A slaps Rose A in the face. When Rose B becomes Rose A, she'll understand.

The Dommervoy annihilate the father of the groom, the vicar and all non-speaking parts. Luckily, the Doctors, Roses, Jackie, Pete and the groom all hide behind the pregnant bride.

The Dommervoy don't want any bad rep and awkwardly allow the group to hide inside the church.

On there own the Dommervoy start complaining to each other that, for bad-ass time-reapers of mass destruction, it's pretty pathetic of them to let time travelers escape because they hide behind a knocked-up chick, surely?

They thus decide to destroy the church and everything in it – but in such a way that it looks like natural causes and could not possibly cause racial intolerance or hatred. With any luck.

Inside the church, Jackie and Pete are trying to wrap their puny Earth brains around the fact that kindly John Smith from their block of flats has an identical brother and they seemed to be dating identical twins both called Rose.

Doctor A explains to the terrified guests the situation and fulfills a long-held ambition of snogging Jackie while Doctor B discovers that all the phones are stuck on the very first rude phone call ever made by Alexander Graham Bell to his pimp, Jeremy.

Time has been damaged, and these creatures are here to point, laugh and sterilize the wound by devouring the Earth – but maybe not in that order. By now, the entire Earth will have been sterilized, but for a few boltholes like this church, and even they will fall eventually. Normally, the Time Lords would have sorted out this annoying Ray Bradbury crap but they've had to subcontract to the Dommervoy, the Reapers and the Vanishers – and the Reapers were vanished by the Dommervoy, who also reaped the Vanishers.

Doctor A is caught trying to get the sordid details about the bride and groom's sex life by the Roses, who suggest he do something useful like say stop the bringing about of the Armageddon?

As the outskirts of Cardiff begin to vanish, followed by the empty streets, Doctor C is circling the church, bitching that Earth had to be wiped clean of life the day part 2 of Kappa and the Impresarios was scheduled to be shown on BBC1.

Doctor A spots this and idly tells Pete to do them all a favor by jumping in front of the car. Pete gives him the finger and walks off the Time Lord wails, "I'm serious!"

Parte The Second

After that unutterably pathetic cliffhanger, part two begins in vague earnest.

Meanwhile, the Roses try to explain that they are not twin sisters but actually temporal aspects of Pete's newborn daughter, nineteen years in the future.

The explanation is slightly confused when the young girl starts groping Rose A and it quickly becomes apparent that this is Mickey Smith, aged five – doing what his future self would attempt around every six or seven seconds in her presence.

As the Doctors are left to look after baby Rose, Rose C, they refuse to accept the sitcom potential of this scenario and desperately how to put things right despite the fact they have no idea how to do this.

"Hmmmm," says Doctor B, thinking frantically. "A church... gargoyles on the loose... history in danger... Of course! The Bastard must be behind this! All we have to do is find out which one of us is really him in a cunning, evil disguise."

He then leaps on Rose B and tries to rip her face off.

It quickly becomes apparent that Rose B is Rose B and that there's no one else she'd rather B.

Doctor A just kicks a pew and wishes that Sapphire and Steel would turn up and save the day – this situation has all the hallmarks of a time-break, after all.

Doctor B points out the last time he let those Elementals deal with a situation he ended up with two broken legs and nearly had his fingers bitten off.

The Doctors decide that they must pool their resources and so Doctor A decides to have a sermon asking for suggestions.

Doctor B suggests they reverse the polarity of the phase-oscillating pentagram, while Pete suggests the Time Lord re-interface the whatsit with the thingumajig and then short-circuit the fiddlestick.

The Doctors decide to go with this. All they have to do is put the TARDIS key in the vestry door and wait two hours for the TARDIS interior to reappear inside the vestry, which they can then ride to the proper police box.

Doctor B decides to begin a fresh sermon about what a great guy he is while Doctor A confides in the Roses that if this doesn't work, he'll either have to bodily hurl Pete in front of a car or throttle Rose C in the cot (for if Rose ceases to exist, everything will turn out peachy).

The Roses don't think leaving Doctor A with the baby is a good move, but he insists his child care skills are far better than theirs' – besides, the Blinovitch Limitation Effect (A.K.A. Bloody Ludicrous Extrapolation) would work up the Dommervoy even more than screaming at them would.

Jackie and Pete overhear this and demand an explanation.

They get one.

With THOSE fifteen minutes of redundant exposition out of the way, Doctor B announces that it is just five minutes until their plan is complete and unless anything tragic and unforeseen happens, the situation should be resolved by the end of the episode.

Unfortunately (come on – who didn't see this coming?) Jackie refuses to accept that the two dumb blondes who caused this mess are future temporal echoes of her hours-old daughter, causing just about every last cast member to ridicule her stupidity.

Jackie's belief that Pete became a father at the age of 12 to twins and names his ever daughter Rose due to a complete lack of any imagination ultimately dooms them all.

Frustrated, Pete takes Rose C and hands it to Rose A so Jackie can see the resemblance for herself.

The Doctors scream in terror stuff about Blinovitch and, panicked, Rose A throws the baby to Rose B, who throws it back again. This idiot game of catch seems ready to tear time and space apart.

But it doesn't.

Que sera sera.

Doctor B takes Rose C and shrugs. Obviously it would require a more spectacular display of cross-temporal-molestation to recharge the powers of the Dommervoy.

"What? Like this?" asks Rose B and makes out with Rose A.

It's idiotic. Moronic. Something that should have been re-written instantly. But it's also damn essential viewing for every Doctor Who fan to see and if this show is ever going to win the National TV awards, it's THIS scene, buster, that's gonna do it!

The Dommervoy storm the church as they do their clock impression and the Doctors herd the screaming wedding guests behind him and steps forward, drawing the Reaper's attention and telling it that he's the oldest thing there.

Doctor B awkwardly points out that Doctor A is a bit older than him and tries to hide behind him.

A scuffle breaks out and the Dommervoy erase one of the Doctors.

"Haha, in your face, loser!" the survivor mocks – however, it becomes clear that this is Doctor A and his past self has been consumed. Causality catches up with him and he vanishes in a puff of logic.

Yep, it seems the world will end here and now.

The sun vanishes, whirlpools form across the sky, the outer reaches of Cardiff vanish into the void and the church begins to crumble to dust around the remaining cast.

Pete screams that he KNEW he should have used protection that night nine months ago and he always suspected that kids would not only screw up his weekend but also bring about the Armageddon.

He thus runs straight out of the church and onto the road, waving his hands and yelling incoherently...

...where he is promptly run over by Doctor C in Pete's car.

"Damn! Missed her by one generation!" Doctor C complains. "If I'd only hit him BEFORE he met Jackie... Still, does running over Rose's dad cancel out her running over my old self? Hmmm. Nope."

Doctor C pulls out a sonic hairdryer and moves to shoot Rose in the head, laughing like a madman.

At that exact moment, the rubber band of reality snaps.

Via a badly-edited montage, history is re-written. Determined to prove that Santa Claus was just Pete Tyler dressed up, the Doctor and Rose decide to visit the moment he died – when a mysterious big-eared prick in a leather jacket ran over her father as he ran inexplicably out of a church and into heavy traffic.

"Lucky I used my Jedi mind powers on the cops or they woulda confiscated my license," the Doctor confides to Rose.

Arriving early, they mingle with the wedding guests and, as the moment of Pete's death approaches...

...Rose runs over and saves him in order to learn the truth.

Meanwhile, a couple of the Dommervoy have just wandered back to their penumbra dimensional flat and get ready for a slap-up time distortion for two while they watch The Two Ronnoids on Vortex TV.

Suddenly, the paradox alarm starts ringing again.

"Dammit, I'd just got comfy an' all... that bloody Tyler family...!"
Book(s)/Other Related -
Doctor Who – First, Second, Third, Fourth, Fifth, Sixth, Seventh, Eighth and Ninth Chances
Doctor Who in It's A Wonderful Death (Canada Only)
When Did You Last See Your Father?! by L. Skywalker

Fluffs - Christopher Eccleston seemed moronic in this story.

"Don't you see, Rose? It is bad! Very bad! Really, really, really
bad. It's really, really, really, really, really, really, really,
REALLY bad. It's really, really, really..."

"Regret is part of being alive. So, er... suicide's an option, I

The Dommervoy's thick Estuary accents and Carry On-style innuendo do limit the amount of spooky menace these evil puppets can convey.

Goofs –
One of the church-goers tries a vol-u-vent and visibly chokes down a cry of disgust.

The Doctor's trousers just disappear when he opens the TARDIS shell.

Why does Alexander Graham Bell's first dirty phone call get repeated on all the mobile phones? Also, the message was actually "Watson, come here, I want you between my thighs now, make me bark like a sea-lion," rather than "Watson, come here, I need you to take me to the peak of ecstasy and leave me there, stud-muffin."

The Doctor tells Rose that having sex with her past self would be a paradox, when it blatantly isn't. Intense hardcore sci-fi erotica, perhaps, but no paradox.

A number of the cars you see in the background are either too modern
for 1987, or are made of Lego. Post-2001 Lego at that.

Fashion Victims - As it's set in 1987, its presumably ironic.

Dialogue Disasters -

Rose: We're not a couple, why does everyone think we're a couple?
Doctor: No idea, Rose. Ere, Pete – you looking at me bird?!

Doctor: The TARDIS!! Where the heck has it gone? What the heck am I
going to do to get my TARDIS back again? And why the heck has
my TARDIS chosen to disappear now when all I wanted was a
banana smoothie? Damn you, ROSE!!!

Pete: What's your name?
Rose: Rose.
Pete: Rose?!
Rose: It's short for... Bob.
Doctor: Subtle, Tyler, very subtle.

The Doctor, upon learning how Pete died -
"He just got run over by a car? Wimp. Personally, I prefer buses; they cause so much more carnage."

Pete: The Vanishers vanish- er, disappeared?!

Rose: Don't kill the baby!
Doctor: I'm not a homicidal maniac!
Rose: Well, you could have fooled me! DON'T – KILL – THE – BABY!
Doctor: Awwwwwwwww!

Doctor: I've waited a long time to say this: Soup-a-cauli-fridge-
elastic-eggs-pea-halitosis! I should have done that ages ago.

Dialogue Triumphs -

Doctor: I did it again. I picked another stupid ape and let her screw
up the course of history without even getting to see her naked.
First Barbara Wright and now you!

Rose: Where I come from, Jackie can't tell which Spice Girl is which.
Pete: I showed her that last week... Point taken.'

Pete: I'm your Dad, it's my job to a complete bastard to your
boyfriends and criticize your hair in public.

Doctor: Who said you're not sexy? I've traveled to all sorts of places,
done things you couldn't imagine. But you two... street corner,
two in the morning, getting a taxi home. I've never had a life
like that. And I thank Rassilon for that every single day.

Rose: But surely time has to change! Why doesn't mum ever mention
this weird swooping puppet apocalypse stuff to me.
Doctor: Don't worry about that, Rose. I'll just soup up the drinks at
the reception – no one will remember a thing!

UnQuotable Quote –

Rose C: Goo-gaa.

Links and References -
Rose first mentioned her father's close relationship with Santa Claus in The Presuming Ed Dead.

Untelevised Misadventures -
Well, there are some comic strips and novels that could conceivably fit before and after this story, but they're crap and should be ignored.

K9 Conspiracy –
In this episode, the graffiti phrase "K9 IS COMING!" is visible on a rave poster near the Doctor and Rose. That's just creepy, that is.

Subtext? WHAT Subtext? -

The presence of the child-Mickey raises the question of why he runs to Rose when he cannot recognize her. The reason probably stems from the same impulse that causes Pete Tyler to give Rose the car keys automatically; more than just vaguely fancy her, Pete feels an instinct to trust her in the hope he might get a shag.

Similarly, Mickey feels intense sexual desire for the woman he will go out with in the future, even though he neither recognizes her nor understands why he feels that way.

Considering that the story features telephones echoing Alexander Graham Bell's first naughty phone message, and a car trapped in an endless loop, Mickey's lust over Rose may be another of the future echoes and strange understandings unleashed by interfering with time.

Either that or Mickey was a randy little bastard as early as five.

Groovy DVD Extras –
Billie Piper's appearance on Parkinson, where she suffered ten minutes of put-downs, patronizing remarks and lewd looks before she snapped. Also the news reports, trial dramatization and her next appearance on Parkinson later that year.

Psychotic Nostalgia –
}incoherent, strange lizard impersonation{

Viewer Quotes -

"Death Day was self-aware, so much so that it actually fell into the age-old trap of not making any sense. At all. My psychoanalyst started dribbling after he watched this. Just sat there, blowing saliva bubbles. But the sight of hot x-x-x Billie-on-Billie action can do that to a guy." - Kevin Stoney (2005)

"In fact, the Doctor's little speech in this is a summary of Carnall's wold view – 'Who said you're not sexy?'... It's something I find endlessly admirable. And ever so slightly kinky."
- Andrew Beeblebrox (2005)

"I really cried - it wasn't trite, or cliche, or overly done, or maudlin or anything - it was perfectly acted and scripted, and evoked genuine feeling. But then trans-temporal sex appeals to me. Apart from that, the series has gone to the dogs without me."
- Nigel Verkoff (2005)

"For an intelligent, strong, smart person capable of dealing with strange and dangerous circumstances better than most, Rose Tyler wears entirely too much mascara. And she really does have some honking big front teeth, doesn't she?"
- Eve Markson (2004)

"I could have written that!"
- J.K. Rowling (2005)

"My senile budgerigar says that there's a subtext that the Doctor wants to have sex with Rose Tyler. Where the hell did THAT come from?!"
- George W Bush (2006)

Billie Piper Speaks!
"Shagging an earlier version of yourself in front of over a million viewers on Saturday night at eight o'clock. I haven't had to do that since The Canterbury Tales."

Christopher Eccleston Speaks!
"Death Day was my favorite episode. Not that that says much. I got three pay-checks for it, though."

Russell T Davies Speaks!
"Death Day? Is that the one with the guy who doesn't die, when he should die, because Rose saves him, thus being alive for Rose, so she doesn't need to go back to stop him dying, so she doesn't, so he dies, so she needs to go and stop him dying... Or was that Red Dwarf? I think it was Red Dwarf. That was funny."

Trivia –
The tale the Doctor is regaling Rose with at the start of the story is about the orgy with Mary Shelly and Lord Byron story the Eighth Doctor can't seem to shut up about in Shagged'er II, Sick Morning, Nowhere-Land and Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass.
Rumors & Facts –

Oh, bloody Carnall. Soppy-git-big-hippy-let’s-set-everything-in-a-bloody-church-wet-blanket-ooh-everyone's-lovely-let's-put-touching-scenes-in, he's back again!

This might give the impression that I don't like Paul Carnall, and it IS slightly fashionable to write him off these days as a drippy, pretentious politically-correct sod.

So, yes, let's do that then!!

During the wilderness years between 1989 and 2003 when Doctor Who was no longer in regular production, Paul Carnall was at the crest of the wave of fans who took control of the franchise and began to fanwank furiously at the kitchen table.

Like syphilis, Carnall had been active in fandom for some time, with numerous publications in fanzines and Doctor Who Magazine all suggesting that Doctor Who would improve tenfold if the central character took over the government and saved the world from the hideous ape-like babwyns that currently perverted the course of existence!

But it was Carnall's debut novel, 1990's TimWorm: St Paul Letters To The Corinthians II, which charted the course for the then-nascent Doctor Who: The New Adventures range from Virgin Publishing by appealing to relentless angst, fan-theory-speculation and relentless pop culture reference.

His second title, Rove And Law, introduced endurance-testing alcoholic lout Benny Summerfield, who would eventually be spun off into her own series of books and audio plays because no one else could be arsed to.

Carnall subsequently wrote No Plot, the first Missing Adventure novel Ghost Oprah, the acclaimed Bloomin Nature, and the fiftieth New Adventure, Four Funerals And A Happy Ending.

Later, he penned The Shadows Of Albion for BBC Books' series of Doctor Who novels as well as two titles – The Reservation Of The Scourge and Reasons To Care (the latter with his wife, Caroline Symcox) – for Big Finish Productions' line of Doctor Who so-called audio dramas.

Meanwhile, Carnall established a writing career away from Doctor Who as well and also that he was crap at it. He published two novels, Something Morose and British Summertime Of Doom, both of which can be found in remainder bins of any good bookstores and especially awful bookstores.

He also contributed scripts to a number of television programs, including Coronation Street, Casualty and Children's Ward mainly because he liked TV shows beginning with the letter C.

And for a time it appeared that Carnall would be charting the adventures of his own Ninth Doctor when he was asked to write I Scream Boom-Shaka-Laka, a 2003 animated BBC webcast in which Richard E Grant provided the voice of a new Doctor; further plans for this Doctor were scuppered by the announcement that Doctor Who would be returning to television in 2005.

Ha! I laugh at your misery, Carnall! And REG was crap, anyway!

Well-known for his ability to incorporate emotional content in Doctor Who albeit not very well, Carnall was asked to develop the episode in which Rose travels back in time to the day her father is killed, sobs a bit, writes a letter to Playboy, builds a bridge and gets over it.

This episode was entitled "The Amazing New Adventures of Doctor Who: the Last of the Time Lords from The Journeys of Rose Tyler Being a Fantastical Tale of a Young Earth Wanderer and Interplanetary Explorer within The Environs of A Gentleman's TARDIS Part Seven: Act One - The Young Miss Tyler Decides To Watch Her Father Repeatedly Die In A Motor Accident While The Doctor Speaks To Those That Knew Him".

Originally, the episode was envisaged as one in which Rose repeatedly observes his death while the Doctor speaks to those who knew Pete Tyler. Presumably this derived from the initial description of Rose as a self-hating drifter with a fetish for emotional pain and the Ninth Doctor as an on-the-scene crime reporter.

This outline began to change when Cornell sought to introduce a monster component to the storyline, which would hopefully now consist of more than grim montages and the song My Way being played in the background.

After suffering the hellish nightmare of I, Dustbin, Joe Ahearne was press-ganged into producing this story. Production began on October 26th, finished on October 24th and then started again on October 25th when it was discovered that the owner of St Eccleston's church was conducting diabolic black magic which in turned was causing a genuine time rift.

Luckily, despite the fact half of it didn't happen, it was recording and saved the special effects budget a full fifty-five pence.

Other locations, such as the drunken-piss up at the registry office for the Tyler wedding, was actually a boardroom in the offices of ITV Wales. Shaun Dingwell had hated ITV's lineup for years and the rest of the cast enthusiastically supported his suggestion to break in there, get ratted and write obscene graffiti on the walls.

Studio material, as usual, was completed at a warehouse in Newport where the cast where left to sober up and not released until they had recorded the rest of the episode.

The Dommervoy themselves were originally called the Reapers and Carnall depicted them as creatures identical to Barney the Dinosaur. In order to make them in any way threatening, the Reapers underwent a considerable evolution to become the classical cloaked Grim Reapers.

However, this proved too expensive and so a few Gentlemen outfits from Buffy the Vampire Slayer were used instead and were named Dommervoy (an anagram of Yovremmod, which is, in fact, total gibberish).

Another awkward moment came when it was realized that the baby portraying Rose C was found to not only be an orangutan but also had blue eyes when Billie Piper has brown. Awkwardly, an explanation was given that the baby had only been born a few hours before and thus its eyes were still blue.

The alternatives – rerecording the entire series with Billie Piper wearing contact lenses, or just giving the baby contact lenses – were ultimately abandoned, while the novelization of Death Day by Paul Carnall "Shackled Father Dead Past Zeitgeist Of Doom" has a prologue where Doctor C is left baby-sitting Rose C and shaving her body and giving her radical lighthouse laser surgery to change her eye colour.

The story's title shifted drunkenly from "Nothing Lasts Forever" to "Whatever Will Be" to "Sins of the Father, Prayers for the Dying" and "The Day Doctor Who Died Repeatedly", which was finally simplified to "Day Died Repeatedly Doctor" and then "Death Day".

Recording wrapped up around the start of December, despite the fact half the plot resolution had not been filmed. Ultimately, a few notes of the Who theme were played in the background over the final shot and it was hoped that anyone watching would just generally assume things worked out happily ever after.

Rumors have it that said ending would show Santa Claus fly out of the sky and kill every last Dommervoy with steak knives, but rumors also have it that Paul McGann would be reprising the role of the Eighth Doctor in this story with his Dustbin companion Adam Mitchell.

Death Day got a brilliant reaction from public and fans alike when it was broadcast. Anyone who didn't like it was accused of "hating emotion" or "not being broadminded enough" or simply "wankers" when what they really wanted was a story with some kind of plot that didn't TOTALLY reply on Rose being an incredibly screwed-up individual.

I hate people like that, don't you?

Next Time...
"Then why are we chasing it?"
"It's got a huge sign on the back saying 'CHASE ME', Rose! And it's about thirty seconds from the centre of Cardiff!"
"Rose! Think Vera Lynn!"
"Please let me in, mummy. Let me in. Seriously, this not funny any more. Let me in you mad old bitch or I'll call the cops!"
"You mustn't let him touch you! He'll get all excited!"
"Are you a doctor?"
"Depends. Are you a nurse?"
"They've all got the same tragic fetish – right down to the leather bondage masks and the furry knuckle dusters!"
"Sexual abnormalities... as a plague!"
"Shall we have a screw on the balcony?"
"Is that a cocktail name?"
"Oh, all right then."
"I like to think of myself as a swinger."
"I bet you do..."
...The Bumpy Ride...


RTD was not so completely deranged when he cast Christopher "This Is Me Swanning Off!" Eccleston as the Ninth Doctor. A dozen other artistes were considered for the role and their audition tapes are transcribed here to show you the alternatives that made Chris Eccleston seem like such a sensible choice.

And lo, RTD found the perfect Doctor in the form of Anthony Stewart Head. Not only was Head willing to portray the character for a minimum of three years and, as long as Buffy and a certain brand of tea were not mentioned for cheap postmodern jokes, was quite happy to have the crap beaten out of him every week by the Moxx of Baloon.

It seemed for a moment like the one and only Ninth Doctor would be Head and Eccleston quietly forgotten like a rather embarrassing one night stand. However, tragedy struck through the re-filming of Death Day when Carnell's PC sympathies overloaded the limiter chip in his brain and produced some of the most contemptible 'right-on' material ever committed on screen.

Head quit Doctor Who after one scene. To be fair, the rest of the cast had quit long before that. Only with the ungodly powers of John Barrowman and some kangaroo tranquilizers was Billie Piper actually convinced to stay for the rest of the season.

Extract from "Doctor Who Discovers That Fools And Family Are Not What They Seem" Episode 1:

(Setting: The TARDIS control room. The Doctor [Anthony Stewart-Head] and Rose [Billie Piper] are present. The time rotor is at rest.)

Rose: Doctor, if you're so angry about , why don't you DO something?!

Doctor: Oh, that's just typical of you, Rose! All human beings say
that! Like I don't have enough to do, stopping other people
killing you all in various messy ways!

(The Doctor thumps the console)

Doctor: Rose, look at the TARDIS - she might not work perfectly, and
she might break down occasionally... every few hours... but she
runs on vegetable oil. So, there!

Rose: (Arches eyebrow) Your spaceship runs on vegetable oil?

Doctor: Exactly.

Rose: And that works?

Doctor: No. You see, I converted the old girl to accept vegetable oil
instead of a mixture of dwarf star alloy and mashed potato
peelings in aspic.

Rose: And that didn't work?

Doctor: Well, actually it did. It worked perfectly. (Quickly) But the
by-products. Dear God, Rose, the by-products!

Rose: Couldn't you just dump it into the sun or something?

Doctor: Definitely not, Rose! I signed a petition to stop people doing
that! It's alright to start with, but then everyone starts
doing it and THEN where would you be? By the way, where'd you
get that hoodie?

Rose: Marks and Spencers.

Doctor: (Horrified) OH MY GOD! And the jeans? And are those shoes Nike?
Are they leather? Please, don't let them be leather...

Rose: Hang about, what's that jacket made of then?!

Doctor: Um... Non-toxic plastic made from renewable biomass!

Rose: Bollocks! That's a dead cow!

Doctor: Died of old age! I knew her personally! And I'll have you know
it's considered a great honor to donate your skin in that
culture! But don't donate other people's... BIG mistake.

Rose: That's disgusting!

Doctor: Says Little Miss Wal-Mart!

Rose: Says Mr I'm-Not-Solving-Your-Problems-Unless-It-Suits-Me!

(A long pause.)

Doctor: Oh, sod it, then. We'll nip back, pick up Thatcher, and drop
her on Alpha Centauri.