Serial 101 – Ruse
An Alternate Program Guide by Ewen Campion Clarke
From An Entry In The EC Unauthorized Guide O' After Hours Evil

"YOA's Discontinuity Guides – Inaccurate But Caring."


Serial 101 - Ruse

-------------Transcriber's Note-------------
Fandom went into an uproar when a mysterious figure known only as '' stole the first cut of the first episode of the new series of Doctor Who and then released it onto the internet like a particularly virulent strand of herpes.
Despite the best efforts of RTD, Christopher Eccleston, and that fat bearded asthmatic who actually knew anything about computers, well, the whole bloody world downloaded the pilot, watched it and ridiculed it.
This is a detailed description ENTIRELY by psycho fan Nigella Jay Verkoff and not me at all.
True, this so-called entry might just be a farrago of distortion that would have Ananias, Copernicus, Baron Munchhausen and Ralf the Liar blushing down to their very toenails at this xxx-rated fanfic, but deep, deep down... who cares?
--------------------------------------------



Tumbling end out of end and completely out of control, a battered blue police box hurtles through the stratosphere and crashes into a street corner alleyway near an adult variety store named Plastic Fantastic in Cardiff, Wales.

The door to this preposterous object opens and out staggers a tall, gangly hippy with long girly hair and dressed like the freakish offspring of Paddington Bear and Lord Byron.

He is accompanied by a floating cloud of blue mist he refers to affectionate as 'Smelly Ed' who doesn't say much but is distinguished by a bitchin' pair of shades.

The man looks around in delight and reveals in an overtly expositional manner that they are damn lucky to have escaped the destruction of Gallifrey and the exploding Dustbin battle fleets in the final Temporal Difference of Opinion.

"Y'know," the man says confidently, "things are looking so bright, it's good you're wearing shades. This is the first day of the rest of our lives!"

At this point, a bright yellow VW beetle with flames up the side turns the corner and strikes the man down. It bounces over him and continues on its way, its occupants far too busy singing "Because I Want To!" to notice the hit and run they have just committed.

Smelly Ed looks down at the dead body of its companion for a moment before floating off, bored.

Suddenly, an eerie yellow glow bathes the corpse before turning a brilliant white and the man sits bolt upright. He is now a rough-looking Northerner with a number one haircut and face full of clavicles you could carve a Sunday roast off.

The man blinks and watches the beetle drive off and scowls.

"Bitch!" he snaps. "You just wait, girly! You've pissed off the wrong person! Big mistake! I'll disseminate every bit of you! Down to the subatomic particles! I'm gonna grab every graviton and tau-meson you've got, chew em up and spit em back out! NOTHING WILL PREVENT THE CATHARSIS OF SPURIOUS MORALITY! YOU'RE DEAD, BITCH! DEAD!"

It is then he looks down at himself.

"What the **** am I wearing?!? Screw revenge, I'm getting me a tailor! Where the hell are Queer Eye for the Time Guy when you need em?"


Parte The First

Earlier that day, at 7:30 Rose Tyler awakes in her way-too-pink bedroom surrounded by large stuffed animals and posters of boy band posters and wander over to change out of her stripy pajamas.

She's still a virgin (you can tell in scene 27 if you have a medical dictionary and a pause control). Though there WAS that nasty incident behind the bike sheds with Jimmy Stones that forced her to leave Jericho Street Junior School at the age of 18.

Now with no A-levels or hope for the future, she is forced to share a flat with her oversexed mother Jackie, who was damn hot in Nuns On The Run but has now fallen on hard times, spending the whole day watching Single White Female Attorney and eating chocolate. She used to be cool.

Rose meets her black boyfriend Mickey Smith, a quivering heap of testosterone waiting impatiently for Rose to be ready to consummate their relationship and, in the meantime vents his sexual frustration in spectacular displays of road rage.

With Mickey struggling to contain himself and Rose playing with her hair, neither notice the sudden shower of glowing crème eggs, the curious rash of disappearances,

After running over some beatnik outside a police box, Mickey drops Rose off at Plastic Fantastic and orders her to get a wedding dress – if he has to go down on one knee, he's making damn sure Rose will as well on the honeymoon.

He kisses her goodbye but using a cunning series of stumbles and shifts manages to string out the kiss for a full three minutes and get a good grope in there as well.

Rose, who hadn't even realized Mickey had proposed, decides to phone her other boyfriend, the mysterious Nigel Verkoff, and tries to break the news gently. Verkoff is delighted that Rose is getting married, so there will be no issues of pre-marital sex.

Rose hangs up on him and goes to work in Plastic Fantastic.

Being so naive and innocent, Rose initially assumes that variety of perverts and nymphos who drop by need the 'marital aides' as presents to save their marriages and notes to herself that she might need quite a few such aides to deal with Mickey. Co-worker Molly agrees that this might be a good idea.

Behind the store, a crème egg lands and glows with malevolent evil. However, this does sweet FA to anything and Rose and Molly continue their work without any disruption whatsoever.

Rose and Molly cross to the local Shotgun Wedding Attire, and completely fail to notice that the mannequins on display are watching their every move.

Meanwhile, two disgusting Americans called Harold and Daisy DO notice the living dummies lurch slowly from the display stage and close in on them. Harold and Daisy get the dummies to pose for several photos before Harold's patronizing manner seems to drive on of them to reveal in-built handguns and gun him down.

Oblivious, the duo return to Plastic Fantastic and continue their shift and decide to hold an engagement party at their flat. Outside, the living dummies are marching out on the street and killing absolutely everyone they can, as well as toys and various other plastic devices. Panic ensues on the streets of Cardiff, buses and taxis crash into pavements as more dummies blaze the ground with bullets.

Inside Plastic Fantastic, Molly and Rose draw up a guest list for the party and wonder on the developments on Single White Female Attorney. Molly pops in the back room for a smoke on her crack pipe (which she has told the naïve and innocent Rose is a silly straw) and discovers the inflatable dolls have come to life and begin to smother her.

Oddly, Molly seems to be enjoying it.

Rose notices that Molly has been gone a while, but thinks nothing on it. Molly once went missing for three days and was finally found dumped in the local tip speaking fluent Cantonese and insisting she was a fish. Rose notices Molly's wallet is on the table and promptly steals all the cash from it. Oooh. Feisty!

Outside, the streets have been wiped clean of human life and the animated plastic beings begin to close in on Plastic Fantastic. Outside the department store Henrik's, the police box materializes out of thin air. Dressed in the latest "Neo from The Matrix" leather jacket and pants, the Doctor emerges to get his revenge.

He takes one look at the chaos around him, shakes his head, and returns to the police box which promptly vanishes again.

Inside Plastic Fantastic, Rose is attacked by the leather restraints and bludgeoned into submission by a flying dildo. She isn't particularly worried about things at the moment, as she is fairly certain that it's just another brief possession made by their wacky occult-using store manager, H. P. Lovecraft. The bondage-clad mannequins begin to move in, surrounding her.

Just as they're about to blow her to smithereens, however, one of the dummies rips off its plastic head to reveal it is the Doctor. With his cry of "The slut is mine!" he reveals a curiously-shaped buzzing device which seems to act like a crucifix on the advancing monsters.

He then grabs Rose and they flee to the alleyway outside. One of the mannequins reaches after them and grabs Rose's neck but, in a stunning impromptu display of kung-fu skills, the teenage girl grabs a metal 'sales' signpost and bashes the dummy in the face, and rips free.

She also takes the arm with her. Her rescuer pulls her to safety.

"Mr. Smith?!" she exclaims, aghast. "What are you doing here?"

Smith grins a feral grin. "I've come to kill you!"

He pulls out a gun and fires at her at point-blank range...

The rescuer-turned-assassin smacks his forehead. "No bullets!" he cries. "Knew I forgot something! Stupid post-regeneration-trauma-induced-amnesia!"

Rose is understandably confused why her lovable eccentric neighbor she has known her entire life is now determined to kill her. However, she's had a bitch of a day and thrashes the living daylights out of Smith and runs out into the street.

She nearly gets run over by a taxi being used by three of the plastic dummies to perform drive-by shootings and runs into the local police station. The desk officer, Sergeant Manfred, pooh-poohs her tales of homicidal mannequins, even if she still holding its severed arm as it tries to kill anyone in the vicinity.

True, these window dummies ARE streaming out of the Underground, out of the shopping centers, jumping out of third-storey windows and police and military are fighting them, but Sergeant Manfred is certain this is just some Candid Camera stunt gone horribly, horribly wrong and urges Rose to go home and have a nice cup of tea.

Despairing, Rose does just that – which is a pity as that is when the REAL desk officer arrives and realizes the schizophrenic has escaped the cells and is impersonating a police officer again.

Rose staggers back to her flat, where her mum has not moved from the sofa and the late night repeat of Single White Female Attorney. Jackie is not at all interested or indeed surprised that plastic lifeforms have come to life. Used to happen all the time when she was a child – plastic robots, alien sex ambassadors, an invasion of cartoon dinosaurs, you name it.

Rose shakes her head, puts it down to the wild drugs Jackie took in her youth and has a long shower scene. At this point Mickey starts banging on the bathroom door, showing concern for his girlfriend and insisting that she join him in bed for a sensual massage and possibly more, before finally giving up and going to ram-raid the off license.

The next morning, Rose awakes at 7:30 once again, but doesn’t need to rush off to work as half of Cardiff has been eliminated by plastic dummies. 'USUAL RIGMAROLE' scream the newspaper headlines.

Jackie tells Rose that she hasn't got a chance of selling her story to the papers. Attacked by living plastic is nothing worth printing. If she was having an affair with Andrew Marr, however...

Rose hears a rattling at the cat flap and is not surprised to find her wacky neighbor John Smith trying break into her flat. Smith explains he was just popping around to check that Rose and Jackie survived the apocalypse the night before and only loot the flat if they were confirmed dead. Or simply out to lunch.

Rose lets Smith enter and explains what happened to her last night. Smith says it's all happened before and has even got a copy of the X-rated docu-drama film Made In Singapore, based loosely on the events of the plastic-dummy-rampages of the 1970s to watch with them.

Jackie makes a not very subtle pass at Smith, and is irritated when he shows absolutely no interest in her. He has not aged a day in the 20 years he has been living in the housing estate, but Jackie has – frankly, he fancies her more.

Rose admits she was attacked last night by a man identical to Smith, but he laughingly suggests it is just his evil twin and suddenly demands she make him a cup of coffee. As Rose does so, Smith looks around for a suitable murder weapon...

After rejecting a teen magazine, a copy of The Lovely Bones, and a mirror, Smith finds the mannequin arm and tries to use it to kill Rose, but in a laughable series of coincidences, just misses her.

Jackie wanders in and unintentionally melts the arm with her hairdryer, and neither she nor her daughter have any inkling of the events he has just witnessed.

Suddenly, Smith screams, picks up a knife out of the kitchen drawer and hurls it at Rose's head, but she miraculously manages to catch it. Whether this proves she is a potential Vampire Slayer or not is beside the point, for Smith flings his arms up in the air in fury.

"Right!" he screams. "That does it! I give up!"

"What do you mean, John?" asks Jackie refused.

"I have spent the last twenty years planning my revenge on your airhead of a daughter. I went back in time, moved in next door and spent the best part of two decades cultivating a loveable-yet-eccentric persona so I could creep in here today, AFTER my first, unsuccessful attempt to kill Rose, and I still can't manage it! I don't have to put up with this subtle ruse crap! I'm off!"

Smith strides out, screaming he is now going under the pro-wrestling tag of "the Doctor" and brags that he can escape Cardiff's imminent destruction when the living plastic hatches its plan to destroy the entire human race.

"What?" Rose gasps. "You mean, they're gonna attack again?"

"Yeah, probably. They have this really clever, long-winded plan to send out a thought signal to control all the plastic in Wales that's going on right under your nose. Last night... Well, they were just stir-crazy. I know how they feel."

The Doctor returns to his flat where a punk has spray-painted the words 'DONKEY MOLESTER' on the side of his antique blue box. The Doctor is furious and forces the boy to clean it off with his tongue.

Rose asks him just what the **** he intends to do about the living plastic invasion and the Doctor announces that he can feel the world turning beneath their feet and rushing through space, and he knows just how fragile it all is.

So, when the Nestene Consciousness animate every single plastic thing on the planet Earth and wipe the sub-sentient human filth from the face of the galaxy, he is gonna get wasted on cheap Andromedan cocaine and make a Michael-Moore-style documentary on the carnage.

Rose walks out, shaking her head and the Doctor ducks inside the police box, which promptly fades away. The graffiti slides off onto the floor – and the police box returns for the Doctor to announce to the boy that he made him lick most of it off on principle.

He then vanishes again.

Rose goes back to her ordinary life and convinces herself that the armies of death and destruction were just rag week students. She then drops round Mickey's place and tells him about the party they are having tonight.

Mickey locks her in his bedroom to use his staggeringly-vast collection of internet porn in the hope this will 'loosen her up' but Rose instead idly logs onto wierdoes.net.uk. and discovers several adult websites devoted to the mysterious blue box and with deliberately blurred photographs purporting to show the Doctor caught in compromising shots with various historical figures.

Mickey is delighted to learn that Rose has met a webmaster called Clive who wants her to come to his house with the plastic items in question and eagerly drives over there, running over several survivors in the process.

Unfortunately for Mickey, Clive is not a dangerous online lunatic but a friendly enough family man and part-time loan shark with a wife and young son who tolerate his bizarre hobby and thank the lord every day he doesn't like Star Trek.

Rose and Clive go to his back shed which, while at first glance seems to be nothing more than a hardcopy version of Mickey's porn collection, clearly means more than that. There are photos of ten different men all calling themselves the Doctor trying to seduce Felicity Kendell; recordings of a man in a long scarf visiting Soho strip clubs with the Loch Ness monster; a short man with a question-mark umbrella doing naughty things in a talkback radio show; and some nutter dressed like Ronald McDonald stalking a decrepit history tutor.

However, there is also photos of J. Edgar Hoover at a transvestite orgy, along with someone the spitting image of 'John Smith'! There is also a shot of him ruining a take of the nude scenes in Titanic – and a whole series of Manga novels shows him destroying Tokyo.

Furious at the fact his girlfriend still isn't up for sex, Mickey sits in his beetle outside Clive's house thinking dirty thoughts. Suddenly, the wheelie bin beside his car starts to flex and warp in a distinctly erotic manner.

By now up for anything, Mickey rushes to try an examine this unexpectedly elastic wheelie bin, only for a vital part of his anatomy to get caught inside it, followed shortly by the rest of him.

Inside the shed, Clive reveals he is certain that the Doctor is some kind of fictional character in a long-running television due for revival and that the entire universe is just a complicated excuse to get the Doctor back on the air.

Rose calls Clive '****ing deranged' to his face and walks out back to Mickey in the car and asks him what food he'd like at their engagement party. Mickey stutters that he wants pizza and then drives off recklessly, running more people over.

Rose has not noticed that her boyfriend has been replaced by a Ninja Turtle action figure.

While she is not sleeping with the enemy (or indeed the guy she assumes the enemy to be), it's definitely cliffhanger time...


Parte The Second

The police box reappears in the quadrangle of the block of flats and the Doctor emerges, having abandoned his search for former companion Smelly Ed after five minutes. He spots the party happening in Rose and Jackie's unit and goes to gatecrash it.

Inside, the party is underway and the guests include most of the cast – Molly, Lovecraft, Suz, Clive, Clive's dog, Harold and Daisy. If Rose notices the fact that most of them were wiped out in the first episode, she doesn't comment upon it.

Mickey-Ninja Turtle is the life of the party and entertaining the others with stories about murdering 'bone heads' and conquering planets with flourishing plastic industries.

Rose simply thinks that 'Mickey' is growing up and is no longer dominated by his hormones. But the fact that he seems more interested in discussing the Doctor, where Rose met him, and what he’s really up to suggest to Rose that her boyfriend might, in fact, be gay.

The Doctor turns up with a bottle of champagne and insists that the whole 'murder Rose and defeat Nestle Consciousness' stuff has been left at the door, and begins to dance the funky gibbon as Motorhead plays The Ace of Spades.

His wild dancing accidentally leads to firing a champagne cork directly into 'Mickey's' forehead - revealing that 'Mickey' is in fact a plastic lust replica! Just not a very good one!

Rose and Jackie realize that they have unwittingly allowed a Ninja Turtle possessed by alien energy into their party without getting him to throw in money for an extra keg. Muchos screaming.

The Doctor, an old hand at Ninja Turtle action figures, rips his head off. The faux Mickey instead starts going round in a headless killing spree, which most of the guests try to downplay, suggesting that Mickey is just a violent alcoholic who has 'lost his head'.

Refusing an interview with Clive (and threatening to kill him if the website is still online next week) the Doctor decides now is the time to run for his life. The Doctor tries to leave the party but Rose stops him on her balcony to ask where he's going. He explains he is going to run for his life and invites her wants to come too.

They rush back to the police box to find someone has graffiti'd 'OVER-SENSITIVE PRICK' on the side. However, the headless Ninja Turtle, Molly, Lovecraft, Harold and Daisy are already advancing mercilessly on them. The Doctor vows to get that vandal at a later date (or perhaps, an earlier one) and, waving his all-purpose humming tube at the plastic lust replicas, dives into the blue box.

Rose runs inside to tell the Doctor not to be stupid and hide in a tacky BBC prop, and discovers a ramshackle bronze interior – walls covered in VW headlights, huge support struts made out of potato, a huge pile of unread Playbeing magazines and the Doctor operating glowing central console built entirely out of lego and coral.

The Doctor sits down on his chaise lounge and announces that he's been pissing about too much and the time has come for him to head for the source of the Nestle energy control signal. Luckily, he has the location in his electronic address book and sets his badly-designed ship hurtling through time and space and Cardiff to the source.

He then hands Rose another electronic book entitled 'How To Be A Good Companion' – with the words 'STOP SCREAMING' inscribed on the cover in large, friendly letters. Rose discovers that the Doctor is an immortal alien from another planet and the machine she is in is called the TARDIS (short for Time And Relative Dimension In Space and not, repeat *not* DIMENSIONS!).

The TARDIS re-materializes in the deserted warehouse district beside a large complex marked LeNest Industries. The Doctor and Rose emerge and the alien admits that yes, the replicas will probably have killed her mother and everyone she knows. As an orphan, he is prepared to take her under his wing and explore the universe with her.

Rose reminds him that they are there to stop the Nestle invasion and the Doctor insists that he knows that, he's just trying to make sure he doesn't get distracted by the big bust... picture. Sorry. Picture. Big picture. Embarrassed, he and Rose suddenly decide to play 'Tag' and before you can say 'reverse the polarity of the neutron flow' they are standing inside the main warehouse.

The Doctor explains that the alien Nestle Consciousness is a kind of glowing mass of liquid confectionery – something exactly like the vat full of caramel behind him, in fact, although it takes Rose several tries to point out to the Doctor, who is remarkably thick today.

The Doctor gets a step-ladder and Doctor requests permission to parlay with the gigantic vat of seething, glowing fudge. As per Convention 15 of the Shadow Proclamations, he must pretend to be a tea-pot and sing 'It's Not Over' by Slipknot.

The Doctor addresses the Nestle on behalf of humanity and demands to know just what is the alien's problem. It has tried to conquer the Earth on no less than ten separate occasions and the Doctor has defeated them all!

The initial Lust Replica invasion in 1970s, the follow-up tour with the Bastard and Willy Wonka, the abortive Singapore vacation, the three weeks he wasn't saving UNIT's sorry ass from their own incompetence, that time he met Melanie Bush, the occasion where the Nestle Consciousness became stunt doubles on Dynasty in order to make ends meet, the time they nicked a Stingray plot and used air duct insulation to drive humanity insane, or their most recent and definitely most pathetic attempt: "Operation – Invasion of the Traffic Cones".

"Why don't you arseholes just take a hint?!" the Doctor demands.

In a strange series of interpretive dance moves, the Nestle reveals that when it had its collective arse soundly kicked in a massive war, it found a working time-space machine in 2089 and they have been simply re-writing history around their first invasion attempt in order to win the day at last. Earth's atmosphere is rich in the chocolate and plastic it needs to survive.

The Doctor is suddenly taken roughly from behind by two shop dummies and one of the mannequins finds the alien's driving license. This is the Doctor, their oldest and deadliest enemy after Paddy Kingsland. The Nestle begins to scream and gibber and send out crackling sparks of energy in all directions.

When Rose asks what's happening, the Doctor replies that he thinks negotiations are going quite well.

Jackie then rings Rose on her mobile and says that, as it is a Saturday, there is quite likely to be a plastic revolution in the Queens Arcade shopping centre – it's just the sort of thing that happens in Cardiff on a weekend.

As her mother begins to bitch that the last time this happened the TV stations were blown up right in the middle of The Goodies, Rose rolls her eyes and hangs up.

The Doctor admits that the invasion has begun and Earth is completely screwed – every plastic and/or chocolate thing is now turning hostile and murdering any non-plastic and/or chocolate thing.

Suddenly, the Nestle Consciousness shrieks in agony and the activation signal cuts off. Cracks appear in the surface of the confectionery blob as it is revealed that someone is EATING the alien invader!

It is Mickey!

As chocolate is the only possible substitute for sex, Mickey has been eating every last piece he can get – the aliens are really regretting keeping him alive so they've got someone to play Monopoly with.

Mickey consumes the Nestle and the ceiling of the warehouse inexplicably begins to collapse. The Doctor grabs Rose and bolts for the TARDIS before the lair explodes completely.

Meanwhile, Jackie is completely unaware that the party guests have killed Clive and are about to murder her. So engrossed is she in Single White Female Attorney, Jackie doesn't notice her would-be assailants have collapsed and melted into puddles of plastic.

In the TARDIS, the Doctor assures Rose that, if he can eat an alien invader, Mickey should be able to survive an exploding warehouse. He and Rose emerge from the police box and discover to the Doctor's indescribable annoyance, that Mickey HAS survived!

Composing himself, the Doctor smugly admits that this whole scenario has been engineered by himself – getting run over, the revenge plot, the party – just so Mickey would be in the right place and the right time to eat the Nestle Consciousness. It was all a ruse!

Rose gets him to admit he's talking crap.

The Doctor waspishly announces that he must be on his way, but before he goes, he offers Rose the opportunity to travel with him and see the
Universe. She tells him to piss off and get a life.

Disappointed, the Doctor closes the door of the TARDIS, and Mickey and Rose watch happily as it dematerializes before their eyes.

Mickey turns to Rose and begs her not to waste her life, but embrace the now – more specifically, embrace HIM now and do the squelchy.

Suddenly, the TARDIS reappears and the Doctor, soaked to the skin and wearing a life saver marked SS TITANIC, emerges and spits out a fish. "Stupid iceberg!" he grunts and idly asks if Rose is sick of her ordinary, unfulfilling life yet?

Mickey tells him to get lost and he leaves in the TARDIS. Rose admits she will but learnt a nasty lesson from her parents and refuses to shag him until they are married.

Mickey is up for that, and has been ever since his mate, Psycho Verkoff, convinced him Jackie was making moves on him.

This tender moment is broken when the TARDIS materializes again and the Doctor pops his head back out and asks Rose if dry-cleaning can get rid of JFK's brains, which have soiled his jacket.

"Look, sod off will you?" Rose snaps and the Doctor leaves again, almost to instantly appear with a small legion of Manga artists, who he kicks out of the time machine,

Mickey asks the Doctor if the time traveler has ever become ordained as a priest in his wacky adventures. The Doctor admits this is true, but it was Charley who shagged the choirboys, not him.

Delighted, Rose rushes to him and asks him to marry her.

"Sure," the Doctor says and drags Rose inside the TARDIS, which vanishes again and this time does not return.

"Damn it, Doctor!" Mickey roars. "She meant, 'Would you marry her... to ME!!'" He turns and glares directly into camera.

"Just WHO was that time-traveling son of a bitch?"