Sixth Entry in the EC Guide to Extermination
1.6 - Dustbin -
The TARDIS recieved an extremely
vulgar and borderline illegal text message from a stranded alien on Earth, 2012, looking for a lift to Rigel 17, and no-frills
The Doctor has, over long experience, learnt that nine times out of ten its just some hapless ameboid who
couldn't give decent head if their spawning cycle depended on it. However, on a statistical basis, the Doctor probably owes
said alien some cash. The Doctor decides to help the alien in lieu of repaying the debt.
The TARDIS rematerializes
inside a musuem stocked to the gills with generic sci-fi props, and the Doctor is instantly drawn to a display case showing
a severed Cyberman head. And, considering the tight-white-sweater-and-no-bra-wearing Rose is travelling with him, this is
The Doctor is more concerned that the Cyberman head has had a smily face drilled into it. He
suspects this might be relevent, and is promptly arrested by a bunch of American mercenaries.
The mercenaries work
for Dick Van Dyke, the richest man in America after he bet a drunken Bill Gates he could stick a dart in his temple. Van Dyke
is bitter from being thrown out of dentist school for 'gross misconduct on a field exercise' and now has his revenge. Every
human on the base - indeed, thanks to his new ownership of the internet, the Earth - have had his personal dental work.
that's not enough, as Van Dyke needs more teeth to work on. He has thus started collecting UFO debris so he can operate on
the molars of whole new species riddled with alien dental decay. It seems that the Doctor and Rose are the next in the dentist
chair, when the Doctor's quick thinking saves them - he reveals that the alien Van Dyke is practising on is, in fact, just
This gets the two mortal enemies (cause, you know, they address each other as "my old foe" in a very credible
and realistic manner) talking and Van Dyke reveals he has an armored alien locked in the cellar, refusing to say 'Ah' so he
can begin working.
The Doctor decides to kill two birds with one stone and drops down to the cellar to explain the
alien that once he's had some initial bridgework, they can scarper in the TARDIS.
Unfortunately, the alien is a Dustbin.
battered, punk-styled Dustbin with anarchy symbols spray-painted all over it.
A battered, punk-styled Dustbin with
anarchy symbols spray-painted all over it chained to the corner at the heart of some seriously kinky S&M torture palace.
Dustbin recognizes the Doctor and visa versa.
The Dustbin starts screaming that the Doctor is an enemy of the Dustbins
and must be exterminated. The Doctor starts screaming that the Dustbin's text-message contravenes the trades description act
in every concievable way and form.
After some more shouting, they mutinously ask each other how they've been. The Doctor
reveals that Gallifrey and the Time Lords were wiped out by the Moxx of Baloon, and takes great joy in informing the Dustbin
that its species also had its collective arse soundly kicked by the blue midget.
The Dustbin realizes that they are
the last of their respective kinds, and suggests they start a late-night informal chat show for the ultra-sophisticated.
Doctor refuses - he's not falling for that ploy AGAIN. He activates the S&M torture palace, until the American mercenaries
drag him off. Van Dyke prepares to operate on the Dustbin, but, for once, it has shut up and instead of dental surgery it
becomes brutal torture with a black-and-decker drill.
Where's Rose, you ask? Well, she's met Adam. Who's Adam, you
ask? To cut a long story short, this guy's lifetime inspiration was 'Revenge of the Nerds'. That just about sums it up.
the first woman in eighteen years does odd things to Adam's mind, but seeing Rose Tyler in her 'might as well be photoshoped
home porn images of Billie Piper' look blows his perception threshold and he willingly offers to do anything she wants in
return for a shag.
Sick of being left in a mediocre back-up plotline, Rose demands she be taken to Dustbin, or, as
Van Dyke has dubbed it, Metalsaltshakeron of Doom. Adam does so, ignoring the fact that the last seventeen to try approaching
the Metalsaltshakeron of Doom died hideous bloody deaths.
Meanwhile, Van Dyke demands the Doctor admit that both his
people and the Dustbins were annihilated by the Moxx of Baloon - specifically, that he is an alien and has at least another
five sets of teeth for Van Dyke to drill and adjust. The Doctor tells Van Dyke he's on the whacky backy and not to drink marijuana
grin while working in alien's mouths.
Furious, Van Dyke has the Doctor stripped naked, crucified and then struck in
the delicates by a strange energy ray.
Judging by the Doctor's expression, he had hoped for this outcome.
Rose decides to play 'Mistress of Pain' with Adam while the Dustbin watches, helpless and chained. But the Dustbin, like Adam,
is driven in a frenzy by a glimpse of Rose's nipples and goes mad. Ripping free of its leather restraints, the Dustbin smashes
into a junction box and downloads every single piece of pornography in the internet - but it's just not as good as Rose.
energy from the museum's generator, the Dustbin regenerates itself into a completely new body that exactly resembles its old
one. The armored-plated alien killing machine then prepares to go on the rampage as it hunts down the one being that gets
it horny - Rose.
Van Dyke is confident that the Dustbin cannot possibly guess the ten-million-billion-billion number
combination on the door lock and, guess what? He's right. But, as the door was left open, this does not delay the Dustbin
as it begins slaughtering Americans like they were non-Western extras.
After fifteen minutes of complete Dustbin carnage,
including lots of gratuitious X-ray storms of eternal, soul-destroying agony and a fload of shake'n'vac of mass destruction,
the Dustbin runs out of extras to kill and asks a security camera, "How's my killing?"
The Doctor hastily dresses and
contacts the Dustbin via communicator, insisting that it is the last of its kind and has nothing left to live for. The Dustbin
explains it is a soldier and must obey orders. In a moment of spirit-crushing stupidity, it asks the Doctor for an order.
a moment of even MORE spirit-crushing stupidity, the Doctor replies: "You want orders? OK! I order you to clean up that bloody
mess you've been making, young man! This place looks like Beruit!"
"YOU WOULD HAVE MADE A GOOD DUSTBIN," the machine
replies, and is about to do that when it spots Rose and Adam who have, despite all the odds, survived the killing spree. Adam
runs for his life as the Dustbin mercilessly closes in on Rose...
...and asks her to take her top off. Please.
Doctor starts shouting that Rose is HIS! Did the Dustbin have to deal with Mickey and Jackie and some Autons? No, it bloody
well did not. It hasn't even wooed her with dinner and flowers, but yet still expects a good shag. "You used to be cool, man,"
the Doctor spits.
The Dustbin, confused, asks Rose for advice.
She tells it to get a life.
links about this and decides to become the universe's first all-nude Dustbin. Splitting open the casing like a broken Mighty
Max toy, the Dustbin reveals itself.
Rose gags in absolute disgust. And that's BEFORE it takes its boxers off.
the Doctor bursts in clutching a device he calls a sonic hairdryer. How such a device can destroy the Dustbin, I do not know,
just that he promises he will explain at a later date and, in the meantime, has reversed the polarity of the neutron flow.
Dustbin mutant, hideous tendrils suddenly erect, asks Rose for a farewell kiss.
Rose's lipstick proves to be lethal
and the mutant dies horribly in slow motion before the prop gets blown up by Mike Tucker in a rapid explosion-lust fever.
Dyke's ADC, that hot chick off Stargate, decides to kill Van Dyke in a suitably-ironic fashion and so rips out all of his
teeth with the harmonica he toyed with earlier. Whether the end of Van Dyke is simply the beginning of the evil Denture Man
is not yet known at time of writing, but I wouldn't rule it out.
Back at the TARDIS, the Doctor sets the machine in
motion as he berrates Rose for using her feminine wiles on, well, just about everyone. From now on, he insists her outside
uniform consists of a Burqua and, if she picks up any more pathetic stray hormonal teenagers, there will be trouble.
is then he notices Adam standing beside him and swears loudly.
Doctor Who - Dustbin
Who - Dustbins
Doctor Who - Dustbin3
Blake's 7 - Dustbin Resurrection
Dustbin Versus Cyberman
Doctor Who And The
Hot Date of the Dustbins
Dustbin Umpire: Doctor
Hormones and Whore Moans in Sci-Fi
"Of Course They Can Climb Stairs,
What A Stupid ****ing Question!" by Terry Nation and Roy Cusack.
Fluffs - Eccleston seemed a bit naughty in this
During the torture scenes, the Doctor seems unable to do anything but gasp the word "Fantastic" in a variety of falsettos.
He is also foaming at the mouth on at least four separate occasions.
Rose can be seen karioki-ing along with the Dustbin's
Dick Van Dyke is amazed to discover that the Doctor has two lungs. Jee-zus.
she is in Utah, when clearly in Cardiff. Is Rose in denial?
Untelivised Adventures -
The Temporal Difference
of Opinion gets its weekly mention, with the Dustbin insists that they were not offside in the penultimate battle
and References -
The Doctor tries to set Dick Van Dyke up on a date with Lavros
Dialogue Disasters -
WHAT GOOD ARE EMOTIONS IF YOU WILL NOT GET LAID WITH THE WOMAN YOU CLAIM TO LOVE?
Doctor: Hey, if you need love to get
laid, Dustbin, you're a bigger sissy than I thought!
Doctor: What's the nearest city?
Van Dyke: Cardiff, Wales.
The Dustbins are genetically engineered, to remove every emotion apart from the desire to clean things. It genuinely believes
in tidiness, and in that sense, the Dustbin is better than you, Van Dyke.
Van Dyke: Dustbin?
Doctor: Yes, Dustbin!
Dyke: Are you referring to the Metalsaltshakeron of Doom? Because if you arse referring to the Metalsaltshakeron of Doom,
please call it the Metalsaltshakeron of Doom so we know what you're talking about.
Doctor: You're really giving me the
****s, you know that?
Dustbin: VAN DYKE. YOU TORTURED ME.
Van Dyke: I just wanted to check your bridgework!
Adam: I can fight Dustbins!
Doctor: What are you going to do, Adam. Throw your Star Wars figurines at
Adam: Only the duplicates!
The last words of Captain Spoketoosoon -
"Thank you for your advice, Doctor,
but I think I know how to deal with a homicidal, sex-driven bio-mechanoid cleaning machine out for revenge."
Dustbin's first, chilling words:
"YOU TOOK YOUR TIME, YOU BASTARD. WHAT ARE YOU, AN NHS DOCTOR?"
Dyke: Two thousand.
Doctor: How many of them are grubby?
Van Dyke: 83%.
Doctor: They're all cleaned up - unless we
stop this thing.
Van Dyke: Why do you care?
Doctor: Uh... Never really thought about it like that.
WE ARE THE SAME.
Adam: We are not the same! What can we possibly have in common?
Dustbin: WE THINK ROSE IS HOT. ESPECIALLY
WHEN SHE BENDS OVER AND THE SWEAT STAINS TURN HER SHIRT COMPLETELY TRANSPARENT...
Adam: OK. That's fair.
Dyke: So, the next president - Bush or Cheney?
Van Dyke: Why?
Doctor: Just slipping Jon Culshaw a back-hander.
Dyke: I like you, Doctor.
Doctor: I'm the last survivor of the Temporal Difference of Opinion. I guess that makes
me the winner.
Doctor: YA-HOOO! YES!! He shoots, he scores!! In your face, Spock!
"Well, it appears I'm better hung than a radioactive mutant. I don't know about you, but I'm feeling confident in
my sexual prowess."
- Nigel Verkoff (2005)
"Dustbin? D'you Believe This with all the interesting bits cut out, more
like. Still, if you're gonna rip off someone, always choose someone who won't complain. I learned from that simple mistake."
Helen Demidenko (2006)
"Dude, the bit with the Cybermen head in a glass case. True brilliance. A moment in culture
with no comparison of any sort. Everything after that was a waste of film, though." - Dave Restal (2005)
"Adam is a
new companion. OK, Rusty, over here - Father O'Malley has a bollocking to give you!" - Father James O'Malley (2005)
new Doctor Who is crap. Utter crap. It's just not up to the standard set by Big Finish. Dustbin was not a patch on Dustbin
Umpire or D'you Believe This? OK, it was practically the same story with most of the same cast and script, but heck, if we
used that as measure of quality, who knows what could happen? The new Doctor Who might not be crap all of a sudden, stuff
- The Eye of Horus (2004)
"Tonight's episode may not have the zany, off-the-wall buggery associated
with the ones written by Russell T. Davies, but Robert Shearman's script -and I can't believe that I'm about to say this -
seems strangely original. It concerns the last surviving Dustbin trapped in the grip of an insane dentist. Amid all the excitement,
tonight's episode manages to sneak in a message about the redemptive power of human kindness and the way in which victims
can turn into oppressors, and also that Billie Piper looks dead hot in a white T-shirt and no knickers. This new Doctor Who
is an unqualified triumph." - The Times, five minutes into watching the episode
"Robert Shearman's script bamboozles
expectations, offering a fresh take on the famous metal drama queens, here both more formidable and sympathetic than we've
ever seen them in the past. Claustrophobic and suitably melodramatic, this should hopefully show today's kids what was always
so wonderful about the iconic image." - DWM Cover Review
"For 30 pant sh*ttingly wonderful minutes BBC1's new Doctor
Who was the best thing on telly. Ever. The remaining 20 minutes was some crap about an evil rubbish bin and travelling through
time and space in a police box. What a heap of ****. Still, Billie's hot."
- The Chaser (2005)
"The thing about the Dustbins is that you've got this deadly cleaning matic machine, but inside this tiny, vulnerable,
insecure little thing. And who wouldn't want to waste a ****er like that? Anyone?"
Rumors & Facts
planning the story arc for the first season of the new Doctor Who series, executive producer Russell T Davies envisioned a
crucial role for the Dustbins in that they would be shown to be crap, useless, and powerless against the might of the Moxx
Davies was then shocked to learn that viewers and fans of Doctor Who in general actually wanted the Dustbins
to appear in the new series at some point and not simply be a punching bag for a monster of his own design. Despite his offer
to make every single stroy revolve around the Moxx of Baloon, it seems that the activities of a blue midget with man-boobs
just doesn't compare to Fargo's metal meanies.
Davies was certain that the public were just sheep and simply hadn't
yet realized how damn cool the Moxx was. So, he presented a season outline to the Terry Nation Estate saying that Dustbins
would only ever be used as hatstands or condom vending machines in the new series. The name 'Dustbin' would be abandoned,
and the Doctor would only refer to them as 'the overrated butt-monkey man-bitches of Fargo'. The suggested Dustbins-destroy-Gallifrey
plot was immediately abandoned in favor of a Dustbins-offer-people-Kit-Kats plot instead.
The Estate did exactly what
Davies expected and told Davies to shove his new Doctor Who up his big same-sexual arse.
Davies was delighted and made
huge publicity campaigns to show that Dustbins were out and the Moxx of Baloon was in. Then he got a phone call from the Nation
Estate saying 'Only kidding.'
Thus, the Dustbins were immediately downgraded to only appear in one episode.The writer
assigned the task of reintroducing the Doctor's archfoes and proving them to be crap was Robert Shearman. Shearman, still
sobbing after the death of his plum pudding, was ordered to give a 'derivative, unoriginal one-parter that makes Dustbins
look SO uncool in comparison to the Moxx of Baloon.'
Shearman's work had largely been for an invisible rabbit called
thumper, although he had made a name for himself writing a number of critically-acclaimed Doctor Who audio plays for Big Finish
Productions - and under this name he defrauded millions and ultimately Rob Sherman was arrested and send to Devil's Island.
SHEARMAN, meanwhile, had written The Unholy Error (where the Sixth Doctor and Frobisher bitch at each other in an unreal world),
The Crime Of Fright Night (where the Eighth Doctor and Charley bitch at each other in an unreal world), D'you Believe This
(where the Sixth Doctor, Evelyn and a Dustbin bitch at each other in an unreal world), Schizo (where the Eighth Doctor and
Charley bitch at each other in an unreal world and then get eaten by Richard E Grant) and Headline (where Robert Shearman
is attacked by a creature who exists in photographs while in what might be an unreal world).
The Doctor Who production
team had been impressed by D'you Believe This? -- which featured a lone, damaged Dustbin and an even lonelier, more damaged
Tom Baker -- and originally suggested that Shearman craft a revised version of that adventure as Shearman's work only requires
a quick find & replace to change from last year's critically-acclaimed masterpiece to this year's critically acclaimed
Ultimately, however, it was agreed that Shearman would draft a new story while maintaining some of the
same key aspects.
The outline by Davies, entitled simply Fargo, revolved around two scrap-metal dealers on the SS Sigourney
Weaver who come across a battered Dustbin which they decide to keep waste paper in. The Doctor and Rose insist the Dustbin
is, in fact, death incarnate and to prove his claims the Doctor revives the Dustbin. The metal device opens and a hideous
zenomorphic monster leaps out and uses the dealers as dental floss. It then returns to the Dustbin and makes a collect phone
call to the Dustbin Empire via the TARDIS. Rose then kills the Dustbin with a remote control and insists it wasn't half as
impressive as the Moxx of Baloon. The Doctor agrees and the episode ends with the caption THE DUSTBIN UMPIRE, 1963-2005, WHAT
A BUNCH OF LOSERS.
The third production block for the season included Arthur's Day and Shearman's story, which had
gone through the titles “Museum Piece”, “Creature Of Lies” (referring to the Dustbin's lying text
messages) and “The Creature Inside” (referring to the nudist Dustbin mutant) and was now called simply Dustbin.
director assigned to these episodes was Joe Ahearne. Ahearne had earned directing and scripting credits while killing vampires
and dealing with supernatural mysteries armed only with a small army of mercenaries and an anti-tank rocket.
on the third block began on October 26th, including filming at the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff, and ended around the start
of December when the crew found the exit and bolted.
Various Christian groups were up in arms when they dreamed about
a scene where Van Dyke mentioned his name, and the Doctor was crucified. The production team calmly responded to this criticism
by fire-bombing a church and announced, "There you go, NOW you've got something proper to complain about. Now, shut the ****
up or else."
On the night of broadcast, Dustbin was not only the top of its time slot for the evening, with an average
viewership of 7.83 million viewers and a 42.73% viewer share, but was in fact the most watched British television show on
Saturday, day or night! It was beaten at dusk with the test card, but apart from that, it kicked arse.
of Moxx of Baloonimania were slipping through his fingers...