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Doctor Who Writers Handbook: Chapter 27 - When in doubt bring back the Daleks

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Sixth Entry in the EC Guide to Extermination

1.6 - Dustbin -

The TARDIS recieved an extremely vulgar and borderline illegal text message from a stranded alien on Earth, 2012, looking for a lift to Rigel 17, and no-frills fellatio.

The Doctor has, over long experience, learnt that nine times out of ten its just some hapless ameboid who couldn't give decent head if their spawning cycle depended on it. However, on a statistical basis, the Doctor probably owes said alien some cash. The Doctor decides to help the alien in lieu of repaying the debt.

The TARDIS rematerializes inside a musuem stocked to the gills with generic sci-fi props, and the Doctor is instantly drawn to a display case showing a severed Cyberman head. And, considering the tight-white-sweater-and-no-bra-wearing Rose is travelling with him, this is SERIOUSLY distracting.

The Doctor is more concerned that the Cyberman head has had a smily face drilled into it. He suspects this might be relevent, and is promptly arrested by a bunch of American mercenaries.

The mercenaries work for Dick Van Dyke, the richest man in America after he bet a drunken Bill Gates he could stick a dart in his temple. Van Dyke is bitter from being thrown out of dentist school for 'gross misconduct on a field exercise' and now has his revenge. Every human on the base - indeed, thanks to his new ownership of the internet, the Earth - have had his personal dental work.

But that's not enough, as Van Dyke needs more teeth to work on. He has thus started collecting UFO debris so he can operate on the molars of whole new species riddled with alien dental decay. It seems that the Doctor and Rose are the next in the dentist chair, when the Doctor's quick thinking saves them - he reveals that the alien Van Dyke is practising on is, in fact, just a harmonica.

This gets the two mortal enemies (cause, you know, they address each other as "my old foe" in a very credible and realistic manner) talking and Van Dyke reveals he has an armored alien locked in the cellar, refusing to say 'Ah' so he can begin working.

The Doctor decides to kill two birds with one stone and drops down to the cellar to explain the alien that once he's had some initial bridgework, they can scarper in the TARDIS.

Unfortunately, the alien is a Dustbin.

A battered, punk-styled Dustbin with anarchy symbols spray-painted all over it.

A battered, punk-styled Dustbin with anarchy symbols spray-painted all over it chained to the corner at the heart of some seriously kinky S&M torture palace.

The Dustbin recognizes the Doctor and visa versa.

The Dustbin starts screaming that the Doctor is an enemy of the Dustbins and must be exterminated. The Doctor starts screaming that the Dustbin's text-message contravenes the trades description act in every concievable way and form.

After some more shouting, they mutinously ask each other how they've been. The Doctor reveals that Gallifrey and the Time Lords were wiped out by the Moxx of Baloon, and takes great joy in informing the Dustbin that its species also had its collective arse soundly kicked by the blue midget.

The Dustbin realizes that they are the last of their respective kinds, and suggests they start a late-night informal chat show for the ultra-sophisticated.

The Doctor refuses - he's not falling for that ploy AGAIN. He activates the S&M torture palace, until the American mercenaries drag him off. Van Dyke prepares to operate on the Dustbin, but, for once, it has shut up and instead of dental surgery it becomes brutal torture with a black-and-decker drill.

Where's Rose, you ask? Well, she's met Adam. Who's Adam, you ask? To cut a long story short, this guy's lifetime inspiration was 'Revenge of the Nerds'. That just about sums it up.

Seeing the first woman in eighteen years does odd things to Adam's mind, but seeing Rose Tyler in her 'might as well be photoshoped home porn images of Billie Piper' look blows his perception threshold and he willingly offers to do anything she wants in return for a shag.

Sick of being left in a mediocre back-up plotline, Rose demands she be taken to Dustbin, or, as Van Dyke has dubbed it, Metalsaltshakeron of Doom. Adam does so, ignoring the fact that the last seventeen to try approaching the Metalsaltshakeron of Doom died hideous bloody deaths.

Meanwhile, Van Dyke demands the Doctor admit that both his people and the Dustbins were annihilated by the Moxx of Baloon - specifically, that he is an alien and has at least another five sets of teeth for Van Dyke to drill and adjust. The Doctor tells Van Dyke he's on the whacky backy and not to drink marijuana grin while working in alien's mouths.

Furious, Van Dyke has the Doctor stripped naked, crucified and then struck in the delicates by a strange energy ray.

Judging by the Doctor's expression, he had hoped for this outcome.

Meanwhile, Rose decides to play 'Mistress of Pain' with Adam while the Dustbin watches, helpless and chained. But the Dustbin, like Adam, is driven in a frenzy by a glimpse of Rose's nipples and goes mad. Ripping free of its leather restraints, the Dustbin smashes into a junction box and downloads every single piece of pornography in the internet - but it's just not as good as Rose.

Using energy from the museum's generator, the Dustbin regenerates itself into a completely new body that exactly resembles its old one. The armored-plated alien killing machine then prepares to go on the rampage as it hunts down the one being that gets it horny - Rose.

Van Dyke is confident that the Dustbin cannot possibly guess the ten-million-billion-billion number combination on the door lock and, guess what? He's right. But, as the door was left open, this does not delay the Dustbin as it begins slaughtering Americans like they were non-Western extras.

After fifteen minutes of complete Dustbin carnage, including lots of gratuitious X-ray storms of eternal, soul-destroying agony and a fload of shake'n'vac of mass destruction, the Dustbin runs out of extras to kill and asks a security camera, "How's my killing?"

The Doctor hastily dresses and contacts the Dustbin via communicator, insisting that it is the last of its kind and has nothing left to live for. The Dustbin explains it is a soldier and must obey orders. In a moment of spirit-crushing stupidity, it asks the Doctor for an order.

In a moment of even MORE spirit-crushing stupidity, the Doctor replies: "You want orders? OK! I order you to clean up that bloody mess you've been making, young man! This place looks like Beruit!"

"YOU WOULD HAVE MADE A GOOD DUSTBIN," the machine replies, and is about to do that when it spots Rose and Adam who have, despite all the odds, survived the killing spree. Adam runs for his life as the Dustbin mercilessly closes in on Rose...

...and asks her to take her top off. Please.

The Doctor starts shouting that Rose is HIS! Did the Dustbin have to deal with Mickey and Jackie and some Autons? No, it bloody well did not. It hasn't even wooed her with dinner and flowers, but yet still expects a good shag. "You used to be cool, man," the Doctor spits.

The Dustbin, confused, asks Rose for advice.

She tells it to get a life.

The Dustbin links about this and decides to become the universe's first all-nude Dustbin. Splitting open the casing like a broken Mighty Max toy, the Dustbin reveals itself.

Rose gags in absolute disgust. And that's BEFORE it takes its boxers off.

Suddenly, the Doctor bursts in clutching a device he calls a sonic hairdryer. How such a device can destroy the Dustbin, I do not know, just that he promises he will explain at a later date and, in the meantime, has reversed the polarity of the neutron flow.

The Dustbin mutant, hideous tendrils suddenly erect, asks Rose for a farewell kiss.

Rose's lipstick proves to be lethal and the mutant dies horribly in slow motion before the prop gets blown up by Mike Tucker in a rapid explosion-lust fever.

Van Dyke's ADC, that hot chick off Stargate, decides to kill Van Dyke in a suitably-ironic fashion and so rips out all of his teeth with the harmonica he toyed with earlier. Whether the end of Van Dyke is simply the beginning of the evil Denture Man is not yet known at time of writing, but I wouldn't rule it out.

Back at the TARDIS, the Doctor sets the machine in motion as he berrates Rose for using her feminine wiles on, well, just about everyone. From now on, he insists her outside uniform consists of a Burqua and, if she picks up any more pathetic stray hormonal teenagers, there will be trouble.

It is then he notices Adam standing beside him and swears loudly.

Book(s)/Other Related
Doctor Who - Dustbin
Doctor Who - Dustbins
Doctor Who - Dustbin3
Blake's 7 - Dustbin Resurrection
Dustbin Versus Cyberman
Doctor Who And The Hot Date of the Dustbins
Dustbin Umpire: Doctor
Hormones and Whore Moans in Sci-Fi
"Of Course They Can Climb Stairs, What A Stupid ****ing Question!" by Terry Nation and Roy Cusack.

Fluffs - Eccleston seemed a bit naughty in this story
During the torture scenes, the Doctor seems unable to do anything but gasp the word "Fantastic" in a variety of falsettos. He is also foaming at the mouth on at least four separate occasions.
Rose can be seen karioki-ing along with the Dustbin's dialogue

Goofs -
Dick Van Dyke is amazed to discover that the Doctor has two lungs. Jee-zus.

Rose claims she is in Utah, when clearly in Cardiff. Is Rose in denial?

Untelivised Adventures -
The Temporal Difference of Opinion gets its weekly mention, with the Dustbin insists that they were not offside in the penultimate battle

Links and References -
The Doctor tries to set Dick Van Dyke up on a date with Lavros

Dialogue Disasters -

Doctor: Hey, if you need love to get laid, Dustbin, you're a bigger sissy than I thought!

Doctor: What's the nearest city?
Van Dyke: Cardiff, Wales.

Doctor: The Dustbins are genetically engineered, to remove every emotion apart from the desire to clean things. It genuinely believes in tidiness, and in that sense, the Dustbin is better than you, Van Dyke.
Van Dyke: Dustbin?
Doctor: Yes, Dustbin!
Van Dyke: Are you referring to the Metalsaltshakeron of Doom? Because if you arse referring to the Metalsaltshakeron of Doom, please call it the Metalsaltshakeron of Doom so we know what you're talking about.
Doctor: You're really giving me the ****s, you know that?

Van Dyke: I just wanted to check your bridgework!

Dialogue Triumphs -

Adam: I can fight Dustbins!
Doctor: What are you going to do, Adam. Throw your Star Wars figurines at it?
Adam: Only the duplicates!

The last words of Captain Spoketoosoon -
"Thank you for your advice, Doctor, but I think I know how to deal with a homicidal, sex-driven bio-mechanoid cleaning machine out for revenge."

The Dustbin's first, chilling words:

Doctor: Population?
Van Dyke: Two thousand.
Doctor: How many of them are grubby?
Van Dyke: 83%.
Doctor: They're all cleaned up - unless we stop this thing.
Van Dyke: Why do you care?
Doctor: Uh... Never really thought about it like that.

Adam: We are not the same! What can we possibly have in common?
Adam: OK. That's fair.

Van Dyke: So, the next president - Bush or Cheney?
Doctor: Bush.
Van Dyke: Why?
Doctor: Just slipping Jon Culshaw a back-hander.
Van Dyke: I like you, Doctor.

Doctor: I'm the last survivor of the Temporal Difference of Opinion. I guess that makes me the winner.
(long pause)
Doctor: YA-HOOO! YES!! He shoots, he scores!! In your face, Spock!

Viewer's Quotes -

"Well, it appears I'm better hung than a radioactive mutant. I don't know about you, but I'm feeling confident in my sexual prowess."
- Nigel Verkoff (2005)

"Dustbin? D'you Believe This with all the interesting bits cut out, more like. Still, if you're gonna rip off someone, always choose someone who won't complain. I learned from that simple mistake."
- Helen Demidenko (2006)

"Dude, the bit with the Cybermen head in a glass case. True brilliance. A moment in culture with no comparison of any sort. Everything after that was a waste of film, though." - Dave Restal (2005)

"Adam is a new companion. OK, Rusty, over here - Father O'Malley has a bollocking to give you!" - Father James O'Malley (2005)

"This new Doctor Who is crap. Utter crap. It's just not up to the standard set by Big Finish. Dustbin was not a patch on Dustbin Umpire or D'you Believe This? OK, it was practically the same story with most of the same cast and script, but heck, if we used that as measure of quality, who knows what could happen? The new Doctor Who might not be crap all of a sudden, stuff like that."
- The Eye of Horus (2004)

"Tonight's episode may not have the zany, off-the-wall buggery associated with the ones written by Russell T. Davies, but Robert Shearman's script -and I can't believe that I'm about to say this - seems strangely original. It concerns the last surviving Dustbin trapped in the grip of an insane dentist. Amid all the excitement, tonight's episode manages to sneak in a message about the redemptive power of human kindness and the way in which victims can turn into oppressors, and also that Billie Piper looks dead hot in a white T-shirt and no knickers. This new Doctor Who is an unqualified triumph." - The Times, five minutes into watching the episode

"Robert Shearman's script bamboozles expectations, offering a fresh take on the famous metal drama queens, here both more formidable and sympathetic than we've ever seen them in the past. Claustrophobic and suitably melodramatic, this should hopefully show today's kids what was always so wonderful about the iconic image." - DWM Cover Review

"For 30 pant sh*ttingly wonderful minutes BBC1's new Doctor Who was the best thing on telly. Ever. The remaining 20 minutes was some crap about an evil rubbish bin and travelling through time and space in a police box. What a heap of ****. Still, Billie's hot."
- The Chaser (2005)

Christopher Eccleston Speaks!
"The thing about the Dustbins is that you've got this deadly cleaning matic machine, but inside this tiny, vulnerable, insecure little thing. And who wouldn't want to waste a ****er like that? Anyone?"

Rumors & Facts

In planning the story arc for the first season of the new Doctor Who series, executive producer Russell T Davies envisioned a crucial role for the Dustbins in that they would be shown to be crap, useless, and powerless against the might of the Moxx of Baloon.

Davies was then shocked to learn that viewers and fans of Doctor Who in general actually wanted the Dustbins to appear in the new series at some point and not simply be a punching bag for a monster of his own design. Despite his offer to make every single stroy revolve around the Moxx of Baloon, it seems that the activities of a blue midget with man-boobs just doesn't compare to Fargo's metal meanies.

Davies was certain that the public were just sheep and simply hadn't yet realized how damn cool the Moxx was. So, he presented a season outline to the Terry Nation Estate saying that Dustbins would only ever be used as hatstands or condom vending machines in the new series. The name 'Dustbin' would be abandoned, and the Doctor would only refer to them as 'the overrated butt-monkey man-bitches of Fargo'. The suggested Dustbins-destroy-Gallifrey plot was immediately abandoned in favor of a Dustbins-offer-people-Kit-Kats plot instead.

The Estate did exactly what Davies expected and told Davies to shove his new Doctor Who up his big same-sexual arse.

Davies was delighted and made huge publicity campaigns to show that Dustbins were out and the Moxx of Baloon was in. Then he got a phone call from the Nation Estate saying 'Only kidding.'

Thus, the Dustbins were immediately downgraded to only appear in one episode.The writer assigned the task of reintroducing the Doctor's archfoes and proving them to be crap was Robert Shearman. Shearman, still sobbing after the death of his plum pudding, was ordered to give a 'derivative, unoriginal one-parter that makes Dustbins look SO uncool in comparison to the Moxx of Baloon.'

Shearman's work had largely been for an invisible rabbit called thumper, although he had made a name for himself writing a number of critically-acclaimed Doctor Who audio plays for Big Finish Productions - and under this name he defrauded millions and ultimately Rob Sherman was arrested and send to Devil's Island.

Rob SHEARMAN, meanwhile, had written The Unholy Error (where the Sixth Doctor and Frobisher bitch at each other in an unreal world), The Crime Of Fright Night (where the Eighth Doctor and Charley bitch at each other in an unreal world), D'you Believe This (where the Sixth Doctor, Evelyn and a Dustbin bitch at each other in an unreal world), Schizo (where the Eighth Doctor and Charley bitch at each other in an unreal world and then get eaten by Richard E Grant) and Headline (where Robert Shearman is attacked by a creature who exists in photographs while in what might be an unreal world).

The Doctor Who production team had been impressed by D'you Believe This? -- which featured a lone, damaged Dustbin and an even lonelier, more damaged Tom Baker -- and originally suggested that Shearman craft a revised version of that adventure as Shearman's work only requires a quick find & replace to change from last year's critically-acclaimed masterpiece to this year's critically acclaimed masterpiece.

Ultimately, however, it was agreed that Shearman would draft a new story while maintaining some of the same key aspects.

The outline by Davies, entitled simply Fargo, revolved around two scrap-metal dealers on the SS Sigourney Weaver who come across a battered Dustbin which they decide to keep waste paper in. The Doctor and Rose insist the Dustbin is, in fact, death incarnate and to prove his claims the Doctor revives the Dustbin. The metal device opens and a hideous zenomorphic monster leaps out and uses the dealers as dental floss. It then returns to the Dustbin and makes a collect phone call to the Dustbin Empire via the TARDIS. Rose then kills the Dustbin with a remote control and insists it wasn't half as impressive as the Moxx of Baloon. The Doctor agrees and the episode ends with the caption THE DUSTBIN UMPIRE, 1963-2005, WHAT A BUNCH OF LOSERS.

The third production block for the season included Arthur's Day and Shearman's story, which had gone through the titles “Museum Piece”, “Creature Of Lies” (referring to the Dustbin's lying text messages) and “The Creature Inside” (referring to the nudist Dustbin mutant) and was now called simply Dustbin.

The director assigned to these episodes was Joe Ahearne. Ahearne had earned directing and scripting credits while killing vampires and dealing with supernatural mysteries armed only with a small army of mercenaries and an anti-tank rocket.

Production on the third block began on October 26th, including filming at the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff, and ended around the start of December when the crew found the exit and bolted.

Various Christian groups were up in arms when they dreamed about a scene where Van Dyke mentioned his name, and the Doctor was crucified. The production team calmly responded to this criticism by fire-bombing a church and announced, "There you go, NOW you've got something proper to complain about. Now, shut the **** up or else."

On the night of broadcast, Dustbin was not only the top of its time slot for the evening, with an average viewership of 7.83 million viewers and a 42.73% viewer share, but was in fact the most watched British television show on Saturday, day or night! It was beaten at dusk with the test card, but apart from that, it kicked arse.

RTD's dreams of Moxx of Baloonimania were slipping through his fingers...