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The Last or as some like to call it - total toss!

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Serial 8T – The Lust
An Alternative Program Guide by Ewen Campion-Clarke
Twenty-First Entry in EC Unauthorized Guide O' Jules Verne Porn


Serial 8T – The Lust

Part One – After The Lay Has Lied

The planet Chumran is under siege from their neighboring planet Tranzekshual-Transilvainya, who have released an evil heap of gibbon snot known only as 'the Lust' to destroy their ancient enemies.

Leader of the people of Chumran is the distinctly frigid Excelis, a frumpy woman with a voice like an albatross. She naively assumes her people will have as little libido as she does and thus they will survive the onslaught of the Lust.

"Just where does this woman hide all her sexual frustration?" wonders her make-up assistant, and gets the answer when she rips open his throat and tears out his internal organs.

Excelis decides that she shall retreat to her private concrete-lined bunker and await for the Lust to die out from lack of cooperation with her subjects. Her toadying PR lackies, Lies and Denial, are too terrified to tell her she's just doomed her people to a horrible fate.

"**** happens," Excelis retorts. "Only the pure shall live!"

"Oh, we are SO completely screwed," mutters Denial. "Literally."

Meanwhile, the Doctor, Charley and C'Rizz are awaiting their final Double the Fist challenge from Steve Foxx, who takes the Doctor aside. He reveals if the Doctor does not win the next challenge, then he is going to have to remove Charley and C'Rizz.

The Doctor is overjoyed and tells Foxx so, until he is shown their replacements – Katarina and Adric. The horrified Doctor tries to convince himself that these are nothing more than illusions created by Foxx, but apparently these are the Katarina and Adric from THIS universe. Unfortunately, they have the exact personalities and bodies of the ones the Doctor met in Troy and Alzarius, respectively.

Foxx also advises the Doctor to consider the nature of his friends' faith in him. Their next mission will involve fundamental questions of faith, life, death and TV show tunes.

"The end of one relationship is the beginning of another..."

"You WAIT to end a relationship?" exclaims the Doctor. "What are you? A girl?"

"It would be a mistake to underestimate me, Doctor," Foxx replies.

"Oh, for crying out loud, there you again – mistaking me for someone who gives a damn about you at all! It's bad enough that I'm stuck in this awful 'extreme lifestyle' **** hole without completely gratuitous companion cameos that are calculated to boost sales!"

So offended is Foxx that he transports the team straight to their destination without even telling them where they are or what they're supposed to do.

"We seem to have arrived in one of the most inhospitable places imaginable," the Doctor explains to his companions. "A Jules Verne theme park. How often have I feared ending up in such a place as this? God, even the mascots here are crap."

The planet the theme park is on has been ruined, mummified bodies lie everywhere, stained with mysterious bodily fluids – even plants, animals and cars have suffered similar fates. This is the result of an extremely pornographic war.

To a normal person, the site of such carnage would be literally soul-destroying, but the depression that falls onto Charley and C'Rizz is more put down to the kitch brass rockets and over-priced gift stores of the Jules Verne theme park.

The Doctor tries to revive their optimism and manages not to reveal he only wants to win this challenge so he isn't stuck with Adric and Katarina for the rest of the season.

Unfortunately, a huge hunk of gibbon snot knocks over a wall, knocking the Doctor out and swallowing Charley. C'Rizz takes one look at this and runs for his life, screaming hysterically.

Back in the bunker, Lies and Denial are struggling to put a good spin on the fact there are only a dozen people left alive after the coming of the Lust and rendered the planet uninhabitable.

Excelis is now swigging hootch and watching re-runs of Happy Days, singing Spice Girl songs and no one is prepared to disturb her.

However, they are taken aback when the doorbell to the bunker rings to reveal the Doctor and Charley – the bunker can be accessed from the back of the ticket booth in the theme park.

Lies and Denial quickly realize that Charley was infected with the Lust, a strange goo that possesses and individual and makes them go on a sex rampage, triggering lethally good orgasms before they too finally die. This viscous cycle has wiped out the world population, but they all went out smiling.

However, it appears Charley's libido burnt out the Lust before it could consume her. But it has spread her legs so far apart she is now paralyzed from the neck down, and will never walk again.

As this is a dull cliffhanger, the episode ends with a still-panicking C'Rizz tripping in his flight of terror and spraining his ankle.

Part Two – Twilight's Last Creaming

C'Rizz remembers he has an exoskeleton and thus is unharmed, and continue to run for it as other Lust blobs wobble after him unhurriedly. It begins to rain and lizard boy starts to blubber, the wuss. The Lust blobs are embarrassed and wobble off.

Pleased to hear that someone has survived the Lust, Excelis decides to go to the medical unit for a photo-opportunity with Charley, who she assures to be the most perfect virgin ever.

There she finds the Doctor refusing to accept the fact Charley is paralyzed – after all, he could have a wheelchair-bound companion as very few places he goes have stairs. He also thinks that being a quadriplegic will merely slow Charley's sex life down than stop it.

Hastily changing the subject when it becomes clear that Excelis is psychotically violent when it comes to sex before marriage, the Doctor explains that he and Charley are innocent contestants on Double the Fist and chats idly that they are the twelve best-dressed people in the world – what with the rest having perished in the war.

Up on the surface, C'Rizz composes a poem when he discovers the Lust has not only wiped out all the humans but also all the animals and plant life and dry-humped the planet so much it is on the point on imminent collapse.

He is so pleased at being able to rhyme 'buggery' with 'skullduggery' that he decides to go back to the Doctor and Charley and tell them what a fantastic poet he is. Oh, and maybe mention the planet is about to explode – we'll have to wait and see how the conversation develops.

Back in the bunker, the Doctor repeatedly tries to turn the conversation back to escaping the doomed planet while Charley flirts with the oblivious Excelis. Finally the Doctor gets bored and shakes Excelis violently by the neck and screams at her that the planet is doomed and everyone else is dead and DEAR GOD that dress she's making gives her the hips of an emaciated rhinoceros.

Just then, the internal plumbing explodes as the guarantee is invalidated in the occurrence of Armageddon.

Lies and Denial urge Excelis to evacuate, but she refuses to let him push her into giving an order before she's ready to do so herself. So, the Doctor, the nurse, Charley and the ministers run for it and leave her behind as the bunker flood.

Unfortunately, Excelis manages to follow them to safety.

On the surface, C'Rizz returns to the theme park and starts to fantasize about being in charge. He soon patrols the park like he owns the place, patronizing some customers and kung-fu kicking other customers he doesn't like.

This behavior ultimately saves his life as the Lust blobs refuse to touch him and decide to shag each other to death instead.

As the lift ascends to the surface, the Doctor and Charley (in a special Y-shaped stretcher) make it very loudly clear they think Excelis is completely ****ing insane. But Excelis got similar abuse before she got into power – indeed, even in her childhood and mostly from her parents and teachers – and doesn't rise to the bait.

C'Rizz is pontificating and posturing when the party reaches the surface and then suddenly the nurse collapses in a... happy moment that literally blows her mind.

"Whoa," says Charley. "I'll have what SHE's having, please!"

Part Three – All Things Must Shag

The Doctor realizes that one of them must be infected with the Lust, and Charley immediately admits she is. The Doctor correctly guesses Charley is lying in a warped attempt to improve her self-esteem.

Lies immediately accuses Denial and Denial quickly insists it wasn't him. Lies responds by running behind the candy floss stand and hiding. Excelis goes after him to tell him to be a man.

Instead, they find he too is dead, literally blown away.

C'Rizz simply suggests that it must be the Lust blobs at work, despite the fact the last of them died with a post-coital cigarette in its pseudopodia.

The Doctor decides its time to cut their losses and escape the doomed planet Chumran, and Denials reveals that the rocket-ship ride is, in fact, a fully-working space hopper kept for just this sort of emergency and is powered by a nuclear warhead. They'll use that to escape the planet AND Steve Foxx's stupid Double the Fist TV show. Who cares about the TARDIS, anyway?

The Doctor and Denials head off to prepare the good ship Phallic Symbol for launch while C'Rizz stays behind with Charley to recite his poem. When she tells him the poem is crap, he starts making numerous cripple jokes at her expense.

Excelis arrives and believes that an asexual nerd lizard like C'Rizz would have a good chance of being her new valet. Insulted, C'Rizz wanders off to loot the claw machine, and pretends not to hear Charley begging not to be left alone with "the frigid loon".

The planet is starting to come apart at the seams, but the Doctor believes this is, if anything, improving the look of the theme park.

Denials begins to clean out the coin machine and detach the padlocks while the Doctor realizes that only three people are allowed on the ship per ride and, after a few minutes with an abacus realizes that, with five people, two will need to be left to their horrible fiery demise. He cackles insanely until he notices Denial staring at him and retorts "What?!"

C'Rizz has composed an anguished haiku called "All Things Must Shag" and recites it to Charley. He is puzzled by her lack of reaction, and notices she's stripped herself naked again. But he only gets suspicious when he remembers she is permanently paralyzed.

The Doctor pops back to reveal all they have to do is leave Excelis and Denial to die and they're laughing. He then realizes, to his horror, that the Lust has finally killed Charley.

Worse – he might now have to travel with C'Rizz and Adric!!!!

Part Four – The Lust

Shaken by Charley's death and the thought of Adric as a companion, the Doctor wonders who could possibly be infected by the Lust and could have killed her. C'Rizz points out he did leave her alone for a long time with Excelis, but it could just be a coincidence.

C'Rizz has heard dark legends from the Doctor about the horror of Adric and, despite the fact they have a fifty-fifty chance of getting Katarina instead, suggests they abandon Denial and Excelis and take Charley's body with them.

"Think, C'Rizz! What would you want? To be left on this doomed planet to explode? Or to be taken with us as a combined necrophiliac sex doll and draught excluder? Leave her here. Charley Pollard would have wanted it this way."

"No she ****ing wouldn't!" C'Rizz points out.

The set... er, PLANET begins to shake itself apart and the Doctor and C'Rizz wail like babies and run for it. They race into the Phallic Symbol to discover Denials has also been rooted to death and, together with Excelis, prepare for blast off.

At the last moment, C'Rizz has a childish complaint about where he sits and goes outside to have a sulk. Although the ground is giving way outside the rocket, the Doctor refuses to take off without him – if he did that, he would almost certainly end up with Adric as a companion.

C'Rizz finally decides to stop being such a drama queen, dives inside the Phallic Symbol, which immediately takes off. The rocket reaches the upper atmosphere, where Excelis reveals SHE is the one who was the Lust all the time! She was in fact a double agent working for the Tranzekshuals from the very beginning! Chumran is dead, and now, she plans to take the Doctor and C'Rizz.

C'Rizz tries to strangle her, but this auto-erotic-asphyxiation proves to increase Excelis' power and soon the Doctor is forced to watch as his remaining companion suffers death by sex.

C'Rizz dies claiming that he can see a naked Alyson Hannigan looking down on him and damn it she's hot!

Excelis rounds on the Doctor, but the Time Lord has had ample practice resisting Charley's sexual advances which were far more numerous and subtle than Excelis screaming "GIVE IT TO ME!!"

He instead drop-kicks her and throws her out the airlock.

By a miraculous chain of coincidences, Excelis survives the exposure to hard vacuum, the blistering plunge through the atmosphere and the near-fatal 98 million mile fall onto hard ground.

It's Chumran exploding that finally kills her.

Aboard the Phallic Symbol, the Doctor sighs and steals C'Rizz's black leather jacket, which the Time Lord always liked. Just then, Steve Foxx appears inside the TARDIS with Adric and Katarina.

"Well, Doctor, it's a Full Fist for you. You managed to wipe out the remnants of a very pathetic planet of weak dogs AND ditch the two moron companions. Now, Doctor, you not ONLY have won back your lovechild's customized TARDIS, but also two brand new companions!"

"Bollocks to this," the Doctor says, shaking his head and detonating the nuclear warhead in the rocket.

The Phallic Symbol explodes...
Book(s)/Other Related –
Doctor Who In The Lust, Sorry, Last Adventure
Doctor Who: Charley On Heat
Doctor Mysteria ia Lust-Monger
The Return of Adric 7 – Just DIE Already!

Fluffs – Paul McGann seemed totally libidinous during this story.

"I'm disappointed. I tried to teach you to understand.... something or another, but, as I've forgotten exactly what that was, I'll let you off this time... But I'm watching you!"

Goofs –
Why the hell does a fairground ride have a 500-megaton nuclear warhead built into it? The designers of Jules Verne theme parks must SERIOUSLY have too much time on their hands.

Fashion Victims –
Excelis victory gown. Yeeeeeeeuck.

Links and References -
This story finally reveals just where the Ninth Doctor got his cool leather jacket. OK, it also cancels out the Ninth Doctor's existence, but, after all, you can't have everything.

Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor has an indescribable phobia in regard to Jules Verne theme parks caused by a traumatic incident so disturbing he doubts even Charley could understand.

Groovy DVD Extras -
The original ending whereupon the Doctor wakes up, having dozed off while Foxx outlines the real challenge they have to do. This was edited out by Gay Russell who refused to countenance such a cheap, cop-out ending under his editorial control.

Dialogue Disasters -

Charley: We're all going to die.
Doctor: We're NOT going to die! Keep telling yourself we're not going to die. Every day, wake up in the morning and think 'Today, I am going to live!'
Charley: And if we die?
Doctor: Well, on that day, think this: 'You failed, loser!'

Excelis: What are you trying to do, you scaly idiot? Strangle me with my own face or something?
C'Rizz: Actually, miss, I was just trying to strangle you. It's kinda like my "thing".

Steve Foxx: The power of the Fist-Worthy is greater than you realize.
Doctor: What? The super ability to talk about yourself in the third person? I'm quaking in my boots. Wanker.

Excelis: Remember who you are ministers, cause I sure as hell don't!

Doctor: You built these weapons to defend your homeland. Those same
weapons have destroyed that homeland. DAMN IT, I JUST LOVE

Dialogue Triumphs -

C'Rizz: War? HUH! Good God, hey! What is it good for?
Doctor: Productivity? Unemployment? Industrial advancement? Male bonding? The free expression of man? Ab-sailing? Not to mention Jules Vern Porno Theme Parks!!
C'Rizz: Nah, nah, nah, Doctor. War... is bad. It's really, really bad. It's really, really, REALLY bad. It's really, really...
Doctor: Really bad. I get it! I GET IT!!

Lies: Little by little we have been brought to our knees.
Charley: You're just playing hard to get.

Doctor: You killed Charley?
Excelis: It was for the good of society!
Doctor: **** SOCIETY!!!
Excelis: My good man, what do you think I'm trying to do??

The hear-breaking final scene between the Doctor and Charley -
Charley: Doctor, for all your amazing skills and talents you can't perform miracles. There's a limit to what you – or, indeed, anyone for that matter - can do.
Doctor: You are NOT helping.
Charley: It happens to all men. Apparently.
Doctor: Damn it Charley, I'm only one thousand, four hundred and ninety-eight... and seven months... I'M NOT EVEN FIFTEEN YET!!
Charley: You want to wait half an hour and try again?

UnQuotable Quote -

Adric: Hello, sailor!

Viewer Quotes -

"I found myself rather under-whelmed by The Lust, truth to be told. Not a patch on Faith Dealer, to be sure.
What I don't like about Matthew Hopkins in general is that he just doesn't go far enough IMHO! :P
'Father James O'Mally. A great Catholic priest. A terrible human being, but a great Catholic priest.'"
- Father James O'Malley, Outpost Gallifrey Forum (2004)

"This story could have just been so much better. Imagine, if you will, that now famous line – 'Hmmm... Bollocks to this!' – turn the key, push the button, BANG!!, theme music. Wouldn't that be one massive cliffhanger into the next adventure?
'*I* am what women want.'"
- Nigel Verkoff, Outpost Gallifrey Forum (2004)

"Um, yeah, it would. And, it sort of, well, did. It WAS one massive cliffhanger into the next adventure. Did you not listen all the way through?
'I may not be dead or intoxicated, but I'll manage one of the two before the day is out.'"
- Dave Restal, Outpost Gallifrey Forum (2004)

"Oh. Well, er, of course I listened to the whole thing! What are you implying, shortass? I was... was just suggesting that The Lust would be rewritten as a more devastating kind of gig that ended the 8th Doctor's era. You know, leave a whole mystery between the end of McGann's run (where he presses the bomb switch) and the start of Eccleston's.
'Give in. Give in to your cravings, bitch.'"
- Nigel Verkoff, Outpost Gallifrey Forum (2004)

"WHAT?!?! Dude, we've got a bad enough situation at the moment with a 'whole mystery between the end of McGann's run (where he starts tripping in the TARDIS) and the start of Eccleston's'! Don't make a bad situation worse, you moron! At least until you've actually listened to whole damn thing!
'I could be right. I usually am. Except when I'm wrong of course.'"
- Andrew Beeblebrox, Outpost Gallifrey Forum (2004)

"I *have* listened to the whole thing, you waste of oxygen! And I thought that it would have made an excellent finale story for the 8th Doctor – the way the situation gets progressively worse throughout the story reminds me a little of The Phantom of Androzani.
'It's a Sex-God thing. You wouldn't understand.'"
- Nigel Verkoff, Outpost Gallifrey Forum (2004)

"Uh, in what way?
'I'm entitled to my opinion – AND SO ARE YOU'"
- Ewen Campion-Clarke, Outpost Gallifrey Forum (2004)

"Well, in the way, um... well... that everyone dropped dead. In a quarry.
'Nigel Verkoff – Lust Dentist'"
- Nigel Verkoff, Outpost Gallifrey Forum (2004)

"That could be practically ANY Doctor Who story, Nige! The Phantom of Androzani was about a mad actor, salmonella being cured by bat's milk, and Colin Baker laughing evilly. The Lust is about... well... it's about lust, I guess.
'Jesus died for me. What a fool.'"
- Dave Restal, Outpost Gallifrey Forum (2004)

"Well, now that we've weathered that brilliant intellectual deconstruction from Master Restal there, we can get back onto some SERIOUS discussion!
I thought that The Lust undermined itself – showing the horrors of war effectively, it really undermined itself by playing into the popular facile notion that "war is always wrong". Or "war never solved anything". I hate it when the Doctor talks like that because, well, his knowledge of history should make him know better. While I think we can all agree that war is never good, can we honestly look back at history's wars and say that they never solved anything or never led to a better situation?
'I'm way better than that tool Fabian.'"
- Nigel Verkoff, Outpost Gallifrey Forum (2004)

"Oh, cock-a-doodle-doo, Nigel, what ARE you talking about? There's no mention of war until the fourth episode – whereupon the Doctor extols its virtues to a befuddled C'Rizz! Are you absolutely certain that you've honestly listened to the whole play?
'Nigel Verkoff is a retarded heap of ferret droppings.'"
- Andrew Beeblebrox, Outpost Gallifrey Forum (2004)

"Look, buster, all I’m saying is that when the Doctor goes all mushy and making sweeping generalizations that all war is pointless or bad... ugh. Obviously he's living in a different universe.
'Andrew Beeblebrox – created when God threw up on a pizza.'"
- Nigel Verkoff, Outpost Gallifrey Forum (2004)

"'Obviously he's living in a different universe.'
Eerily accurate.
Yet also eerily obvious for a story in the "Divergent Universe Arc."
You really *haven't* been paying *any* attention lately, have you?
'Seriously. I really DO exist.'"
- Ewen Campion-Clarke, Outpost Gallifrey Forum (2004)

"All right! I admit it! I just fast-forward through any bits where people are talking. Or clothed. Or, indeed, not Charley. I'm only in it for her.
On the bright side, I can get through 98 per cent of the entire 8th Doctor era in one evening.
'I can go all night. All night! Well, once. And possibly twice.'"
- Nigel Verkoff, Outpost Gallifrey Forum (2004)

"Cheers, Nigel.
'Eccentrica Gallumbits? Pah! Rank amateur'"
- India Fisher, Outpost Gallifrey Forum (2004)
Psychotic Nostalgia -
"Heterosexuals... Who need 'em?"

Paul McGann Speaks!
"Yeah, The Lust was my final story as the Eighth Doctor. Well, the Eighth Doctor when he was alive. You know, looking back at the 1996 movie, you can see how much the character has changed. So much so, in fact, I'm fairly confident that the Big Finish Doctor isn't the one from the movie more skittish, lighthearted, knockabout... This is the movie Doctor's manic, oversexed, camper cousin who's covering for him at work today. And I hate that guy."

India Fisher Speaks!
"And so it ends. I'm no longer the current companion, and now people are stuck with Billie bloody Piper – a peroxide blonde with a voice like cats screwing and a mouth wide enough to lose Chris Evans in. Oh, well, at least I now have conventions to go to and, while most of the fans are pretty scary, I haven't noticed any of them stalking me. So they must be very good stalkers. I remember Carolyn Jones suggesting I didn't have a stalker at all. She's still in hospital."

Conrad Westmaas Speaks!
"The interesting thing about the way the Doctor, Charley and C'Rizz are developing is how they react in different combinations. In this story we see how they each cope on their own, in pairings and as a team... The fact they all suffer horrible, sickeningly violent deaths over the last episode proves they are equally useless and doomed."

Trivia -
Each episode begins with a long, boring whinge from Excelis about how decadent society has become and how wholesome family values are the only way forward. Flip the bloody disk, lady.

Rumors & Facts –

After the screwy diversion of Faith Dealer, the continuing story of the Eighth Doctor's participation in Double The Fist takes on the harshest tone so far – unsurprising as it is written by Witch-Finder General Matthew Hopkins.

Hopkins had been involved in Doctor Who fandom on and off since time immemorial until, many moons ago, he went and got a proper job burning witches. However, society now frowns on that sort of thing ever since Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Charmed made wiccas the sexiest thing on television.

In the firm belief that society had collapsed, Hopkins submitted a story to the Big Finish Productions. This was not the first time he had written a script for the program.

In 1986 he had offered his services to Eric Saward to write a story for The Mistrial of the Time Lord, a four-parter entitled Meltdown. This featured the Sixth Doctor, Peri and Sil visiting the Chernobyl nuclear power station which would turn Sil into a giant, radioactive monster who would obey God's will and slaughter the sinful Peri, replacing her with the wholesome Melanie Bush.

Saward replied by telling Hopkins to go forth and multiply elsewhere.

In 2002, Hopkins wrote a new script for the Eighth Doctor and Charley. Called Virginosi, the story concerned sexual fantasies breaking into reality and corrupting the mind of bit-part characters.

There were plenty of moments that seemed too close to the ones in both Faith Dealer and Cardiff, mainly because they were shamelessly plagiarized from the script.

As a Witch-Finder General is not someone you want to have as an enemy, Gay Russell and Jason Haigh-Ellery decided to commission another, less-nickable idea from Hopkins.

Hopkins idea was that the Lord himself should appear before the Eighth Doctor and Charley (whose activities Hopkins had followed devoutly since her debut in 2000) and smite down the sinners with ludicrously-appropriate karmic deaths, to separate the pure from the sinful and restore the balance of the apocalypse.

As he was a genuine Doctor Who fan, however, Hopkins allowed the Doctor to cheat fate by killing himself before the vengeance of the Lord could strike him down.

This idea was a bit extreme, but, as no one was prepared to annoy the religious mass-murdering zealot, he was allowed to outline a story which would end the narrative of Doctor Who forever despite the fact this season was specifically designed to fit into the new Russell T Davies-scripted series starring Billie Piper and Christopher Eccleston.

Despite freely admitting he was gripped in utter megalomania, Hopkins was happy to alter the scripts to suit the needs of Big Finish as long as the Doctor, Charley and C'Rizz were placed into a desperate situation where there was no hope of escape or survival.

Working late at night into the early hours of the morning, Hopkins felt increasing detached from reality, isolated from the bleakness of reality. It was this borderline insanity that greatly contributed to the character of Excelis.

Changes made included changing the name of the planet from Teganjovanka to Chumran, named after the first victim of Godly retribution in Virginosi and revealing the origin of the Ninth Doctor's leather jacket, the lack of imagination in said jacket having caused mass suicides in fandom.

Production of The Lust was steeped in a grim, foreboding atmosphere by virtue of Hopkins having a hand in every aspect of production. Even the mournful sex music in the story is kept to a minimum just in case it annoyed the Witch-Finder General and he slaughtered all involved.

Not even the casting was spared from the sinister influence of Hopkins' power – he suggested that Carolyn Jones, the fanatical missionary zealot in the original 1970s run of Crossroads of Hellfire, be cast as Excelis. Clifford the Big Red Dog was also cast as Lies because Hopkins liked the idea of the fictional character appearing in his play, while Denial was portrayed by Ian Brooker, Un-Unbound Doctor and personal dog's body to Matthew Hopkins.

In fact, the story has more material in it than most six-parters as no one was brave enough to either edit or suggest Hopkins re-format the episode structure. Even Doctor Who Magazine boasted The Lust as one of Big Finish's very best productions out of sheer timidity.

If any further proof were needed that the entire production team were scared stiff of Hopkins is when he demanded that Adric and Katarina (to ex-companions of the Doctor who have ceased to be and joined the choir invisible) be used in the story. And was immediately obeyed.

Although Adriana Hill had died a few years previously, it was easy enough for Paul McGann to imitate her with three helium filled balloons and Trojan handmaiden outfit (not for the character, but for his own personal use). Big Finish had already created a CGI Matthew Waterhouse for a Fifth Doctor story No Phone, No Home, and had ever since been giving acting tips to the CGI Tom Baker constructed for the BBCi Shagged'er II webcast.

When later questioned about why he had given all editorial control to a paranoid fanatic, Gay Russell insisted Nick Briggs had not left his cage. When it was clarified he meant Matthew Hopkins, Russell explained that he didn't mind the return of Adric as it made the Doctor's suicide completely credible.

It is ironic that Hopkins script provides the first decent ensemble piece for the Eighth Doctor, Charley and C'Rizz as the script is merely an excuse to murder the lot of them by the end of episode four. Nevertheless, each of the three regulars is dealt a decent sized part and these lead to their inevitable destruction.

Paul McGann in particular shakes off the resigned, philosophical version he's been portraying recently and return to the more angry and suicidal manifestation last heard in Schizo. As the situation seems increasingly hopeless, the Doctor's casualness towards his act of suicide is absolutely brilliant as it encapsulates the Big Finish characterization perfectly and also demonstrates the Doctor's inherent refusal to hang around Adric at all.

The Lust also provides the character of C'Rizz grounding desperately needed after effectively two different origin stories for two different characters (morose angst-ridden poet in The Credo of the Moron and frustrated arrogant would-be womanizer in The Actual Mystery of Beer) to create an arrogant, would-be womanizer who pretends to be a morose angst-ridden poet to impress the girls.

However, Charley fares less well as she has lost that nymphomaniac enthusiasm that made her so appealing in the first place. No longer the shag-it-if-it-moves bigamist who stalked the Doctor, her matter-of-fact attitude to paralysis suggests she's looking forward to being the passive partner in future relationships doesn't do anything to reinforce the believability of this plot twist either.

It isn't difficult to see that while The Lust works fine as a standalone story, it is nigh-on impossible to fit into the middle of a continuing series of adventures designed to lead to a Ninth Doctor and a new television series.

JHE tried to look on the bright side, pointing out that Big Finish now had total creative freedom as to where they can take the Eighth Doctor and his audio companions.

However, Gay Russell detested such things, as already he was finding it borderline impossible to fit Past Doctor adventures into the TV canon, let alone decide what happened between Survival and the TV Movie and Mickey.

However, rather than negate the adventure and render it a disappointing runaround, Russell decided that The Lust would not returns its characters to a former point in their lives with no knowledge of what they have been through.

Thus, he decided that the rest of Season 31 would be devoted to showing the Doctor, Charley and C'Rizz in the afterlife.

Matthew Hopkins, having left Big Finish to their spiraling panic and insanity, went over to BBC Wales and demanded that Russell T Davies allow him to rewrite the author's own "The Second Coming" into "God Blows The **** Out of Heathens With a Smith and Western .38" which would compose the final two-parter of Eccleston's first season.

RTD smiled disarmingly and pressed a control on his desk.

The trapdoor beneath Hopkins opened and he plunged into a subterranean cavern where Rob Shearman was being kept.

Hopkins' screams were heard for an hour.

Then, they stopped.

Finally, a reproduction of the special musical tribute to the death of Charley Pollard, created by Nigel Verkoff and genetic duplicates of the 1980s reggae band Amazulu replaced the theme tune this week:

"So Much Lust"

Got so much lust
(So much lust!)
Got so much lust
(So much lust!)

Charley, when we're
And the lights
They start to dimmer
I really must
Change that light bulb

Oh, Charley,
When we're together
You move C'Rizz
Right out of view

Got so much lust
(So much lust!)
Got so much lust
(So much lust!)
Got so much lust
For you and I
Know it's not gonna last

Charley, order me a drink
Cause the last one's bout to finish
I can still remember
Richard E Grant

Why did you have
To get knocked up?
That's what I'd like
To know or maybe not

Yes, Charley there were
Plenty of nights to remember
Wiping out Dustbins
Cyber-threats to dismember

Let go of my arm as I
Flee back to the TARDIS
On second thoughts,
This relationship's retarded

Oh, C'Rizz, when you put
Your soft and tender
Hands around my neck...

Dear god, lizard boy,
Are you trying to kill me?
Frankly I'm sick
To death of
Both of you freaks

Got so much lust
(So much lust!)
Got so much lust
(So much lust!)
Got so much lust
(So much lust!)
Got so much lust
(So much lust!)

Got so much lust
For you and I
Know it's not gonna last

Got so much lust
For you and I
Knew it wouldn't last.