DIY Sheep versus Doctor Who and everybody else

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Serial 7C/G – D'you Believe This?
D'you Believe This?
An Alternate Programme Guide by Ewen Campion-Clarke
An Extract From The EC Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Disbelief!

Serial 7C/G – D'you Believe This? -

As a historian, Evelyn is infuriated when the Doctor screams hysterically that her profession can never reveal the truth; one man's past is another’s present, and "history" is just a filtered,
sanitised story with which people separate themselves from the unforgivable atrocities of the past. She's even more annoyed this argument began when she insisted that "anything before the Strangler's hit single Golden Brown ISN'T ancient history"!

The Doctor decides to prove this and sets the TARDIS to land on Earth in 1903, for some bizarre reason expecting the time machine to refuse and announce nothing existed before the release of Golden Brown.

To his immense annoyance, it lands perfectly sensibly in London. Upon emerging, the blue police box cuts its losses and abandons the Doctor and Evelyn. The latter is quite started and worried about this development, but the former is desperate to check out the Tower of London gift shop and maybe watch a fake execution.

Oddly, the chapel of St John is dusty and deserted, as though no one had visited it in years. It is, however, a British tourist attraction and so the Doctor and Evelyn do not suspect anything has gone wrong.

Evelyn discovers the gift shop contains countless BBC postcards of the TARDIS and close-ups of Colin Baker's face and Nicola Bryant's bust. The Doctor decides to ransack the gift shop, but cautiously. An agonized electronic squealing can be heard from a tree house nearby, but the Doctor's tinitus is playing up. Or is it? Actually it is, but the Doctor and Evelyn decide not to take the chance.

Heading for the tree house they encounter blood-spattered "pain technicians" (the unionized name for torturers) Lector, who notices they bear an uncanny resemblance to the main characters in national institution Doctor Who and decides to take them to President Grade. Evelyn is troubled – she can't remember England ever having a president. The Doctor points out that Evelyn can't even remember her own name half the time and tells her to shut up.

Michael Grade, President of the English Empire, is delighted to meet the Doctor and Evelyn and begs him to take his wife, Thatcher, and throw her into a pond. Then, he threatens to kill both the Doctor and Evelyn, before suddenly falling on love with the Doctor's patchwork coat, proving him to be a psychotic of the first order. He then offers them all tea but when the Doctor announces he'd prefer his tea black with no salt he is dragged off by the guards to the tree house.

When Evelyn asks about his bizarre behavior, Grade simply says, "All leaders are under stress. I cope better than most but if only I could control these ****ING MOOD SWINGS!!?!?!"

The Doctor is thrown into the tree house where he finds himself locked in with an extremely battered and rare 1963 Dustbin from Serial B!! Unfortunately, this is back when the Dustbins were able to simply paralyze their victims, not kill them and so, after a crudely-inserted cliffhanger moment, nothing happens.

The Dustbin recognizes the Doctor and begs to know if he brought a packet of cards to play. He did. After two games of black jack (which the Dustbin wins), the Doctor has a hissy fit and escapes. Lector creeps in and offers the Dustbin freedom in return for secrets of enduring public relations and merchandizing deals. The Dustbin wants the Doctor brought back, not freedom, and then it will teach Lector all about Dustbinmania.

Evelyn meanwhile is shown Grade's ludicrously-large collection of Doctor Who and Dustbin memorabilia including crates of Dustbin Cola – made from pan-fried Distbun mutant and not only tastes delicious but is also perfect for cleaning out the microwave. Evelyn thus begins a long speech about the thoroughly evil Dustbins being trivialized to for use as merchandising tools, before leading the rest of the cast in an up tempo chant of "The Nation Estate Are Wankers!"

This song-and-dance number gets a bit out of hand, finally ending with an army of Dustbin trans-solar discs forming the words YOU HACK, NATION!!! across the London skyline as children in home-made Dustbin outfits gang-bash their teachers and parents and Mary Whitehouse is burnt at the stake by Jon Culshaw in a scarf.

Normality restores itself and Evelyn wanders into the tree house and the Dustbin offers her a game of Gin Rummy. The Dustbin considers itself an equal with Evelyn; they are both recurring characters introduced, abandoned and then brought back for nostalgia and ratings, and idly asks Evelyn her star sign. Evelyn has already forgotten most of the plot and concentrates on trying to win the card game.

The Dustbin explains its just a sociopathic cleaning machine, it has no idea WHY it wants to clean the universe of life itself, it just seems better than watching Coronation Street. It complains bitterly at the rust forming on its joints - it has been kept alive for 40 years, unable to clean and unable to attend personal hygiene. But it mustn't grumble.

Evelyn gets bored and wanders off.

Meanwhile, Grade has cornered the Doctor, explaining that everyone but him is under the control of the evil "Ray-Tings", an ancient and deadly force that can undo reality like a surreal light bulb joke. The Doctor agrees to help Grade – on the condition the statue of Nelson is removed and a Doctor with bulging muscles, dressed in the uniform of an English Empire storm trooper is put in its place. Ideally, this statue will be visible from space.

Grade agrees, the Doctor gets bored, and wanders off.

Evelyn encounters Grade's wife – really, John Satan-Turner in drag. JST explains that he and the others are preparing a coup to free England from the control of Grade and the Ray-Tings, but they need Evelyn's help. Thus, they scurry over to the local pub, where Tom Baker is, quite literally, legless – said limbs being hacked off by a mob of rabid fans when he tried to leave in Season 18.

Actually, they only cut off the one leg then. The other one was for daring to suggest that the fifth Doctor might have been a woman.

JST explains if they can show the public that Tom Baker is an alcoholic megalomaniac with all the acting talent of a goldfish on heat, as well as the Dustbins being nothing but a rip off of H. G. Well's famous Trashcans from "The Time Machine", then Grade's hold over England will be ruined forever.

OK, it might not, but there's one hell of a documentary to be made here and JST intends to be the one to make it, no matter what. Golden Emmy, here he comes!

Grade catches up with the Doctor and explains that, in this version of history, George Lucas never got his fat ass and make Star Wars, and thus Doctor Who eventually took over the entire world. How the hell Grade knows this, or even that history is changed, I do not know. But a guy who enjoyed the Peter Cushing movies is clearly on a level of intelligence completely alien to that of normal human beings. The Doctor is slowly but surely coming to the conclusion that talking reason to a madman is difficult. Like... DUH!!!

JST fits the Dustbin with an 80s-style Kill-O-Zap blaster on the pretext it will make a better photo shoot, but instead plans to have the ceremony end prematurely with Michael Grade writhing in the fatal blast field of an alien destructor weapon...

...oh, if only...


...sorry. Back to the "plot". As hordes of scarf-wearing, anorak-clad wankers (and Doctor Who fans) head for the Bloody Tower as dawn breaks, and the Dustbin reveals the true nature of merchandizing potential – screaming 'EXTERMINATE!' over and over, and zapping speaking parts to death with gay abandon.

Breaking free, the Dustbin heads for Tom Baker and asks him what the hell they should do now? The Dustbin, without generic Terry Nation rationale, has no idea what to do, merely it needs to follow a self-absorbed, destitute drunkard. Frankly, it could do better than Tom Baker, but the cast list is short this month. Tom Baker proves totally useless, the only orders he gives being things like "Another ale, please." The Dustbin, enraged, threatens to exterminate him.

"If you think you can intim- int- scare me, Dustbin, I've faced down much worse than you on the ..."


"That... is a WOMAN'S threat, Dustbin! I'll wager you never tried to threaten your way past fierce bartenders out for your blood with THAT!"


"Well, you might scare a rather nervous goose with that..."


"All right, that was a tad worrying but..."


"Ok. I'm officially terrified now. What's your problem?"

Together with JST and Evelyn, Tom Baker takes the Dustbin to the Tower where the Englishmen are cheering, crowing and selling novelty mugs. The Dustbin follows Tom Baker's advice and does everything except stick to the script and soon the crowd is in pandemonium.

Tom Baker takes the podium and launches into an incredibly erudite speech about how the British public have mistreated the only half-decent TV series they've ever made, and he no longer cares whether the Dustbins kill them or visa versa – he just wants more liquor.

Trying to upstage that incredible performance, the Dustbin proposes to Evelyn. Oh, he also exterminates JST and Grade as well. Evelyn points out that if the Dustbins ever DO succeed in cleaning the whole universe, they'll go stir crazy after a few minutes of nothing to do.

Taking this on-board, the Dustbin decides the only way for its race not to end up as pathetic as humanity is to destroy themselves; the only way for Doctor Who to be any good is only if it was a niche show cancelled in 1989, the only way this STORY can improve is if it all stops right now!

The Doctor and Evelyn suddenly appear in the TARDIS – the last four episodes never happen, precisely proving the Doctor's point: anything before Golden Brown was a hit just isn't worth knowing.

Book(s)/Other Related -
Doctor Who – Someone Is Taking The Piss
Fourth Wall Mockery, Fifth Wall Respect
English People Are Freaks by James "Spike" Thompson

Fluffs - Tom Baker lists Deep Roy as one of the 'giants' he has known.

Goofs -
How come Doctor Who has continued to be a ratings winner since Tom Baker was crippled in 1981 and hasn't made an episode since?

Considering how lucid Tom Baker is in this story, it has to be asked: just how damn plastered does he need to get before he stops talking?

If Doctor Who is fictional... How come the Sixth Doctor and Evelyn are in it? I mean WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING??

Technobabble -
The Doctor refers to the Dustbin as a "Creature of Lies". Not technobabble per se but one creepy prediction of the Ninth Doctor extravaganza and it scares the pants off me.

Links and References -
The drunken Tom Baker tells the Dustbin to take him somewhere wild, ideally the central location of "Nightclub of the Dustbins".

The Dustbin at one point dubs itself "Jimmy Carter" a nod to the notorious... notoriety of The Jimmy Carter Menace.

'Meet the Dustbins' is sung at an annoyingly loud volume.

The Sixth Doctor doesn't think Michael Grade is half as sexy as the Sheriff of Nottingham in The Maid Marian Conspiracy.

The suggestion that the Doctor's adventures are crap TV shows for sad spam-eating fans harkens back to The Spam Museum.

Tom Baker: A mysterious wheelchair-bound man in a Dustbin story, eh? Hmmm! Got it! It's Lavros, isn't it!
Dustbin: NO.
Tom Baker: Oh. Is it Mrs. Lavros?
Dustbin: NO.
Tom Baker: ****.

Untelevised Misadventures -
Well, this is apparently one of them.

Groovy DVD Extras -
Rob Shearman appears on Blue Peter, deemed 'too good for the grass-munching brain-dead retard public' of 2005.
Dialogue Disasters -
As with most of Robert Shearman's stories - none of it. But here's some of the stuff that didn't make it into the Dialogue Triumphs section.

Grade: We call it the Doctor's Column!
Doctor: No, no, no, it is the Doctor's Willy! It is a huge erected phallus, penetrating the sky in the hope of a union creating a NEW Doctor!
Grade: Are you just sex-mad?
Doctor: Sex-mad? Who would not be sex-mad in a country like this?

Terry Nation: Anything with a Dustbin on sells millions - especially during the Jubilee Year. Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaa!!

Evelyn: Dustbin, I cannot fit - the cavity is too narrow!

Fan 1: The Doctor from the movies was so much better. I love the Movie Doctor. What an honour it is to be able to watch such classy productions and bask in the true talent of Peter Cushing's brilliant Doctor, a gauge by which all other Doctors should be graded. He's just fantastic, don't you think?
Fan 2: Peter Cushing's crap.

Dialogue Triumphs -

Grade: Who would have guessed victory would be so tasteless?
JST: What do you mean, tasteless? This tastes just like Dustbin juice! You can't call THAT tasteless, can you?
Grade: No, but I often wish I could.

JST: It will be a bloodless revolution.
Evelyn: Oh, good.
JST: There will be a lot of bodies though.
Evelyn: Oh. Oh, well, **** happens. DEATH TO THE ARISTOS!!

Subtlety is not a word in Shearman's vocabulary bank -
"Love you? But we're fandom - that would feel weird!"

Tom Baker: What is this? Crème de menthe?! I ordered lager!
Tom Baker: Well, all right. That's fair, but if you forgot the peanuts your metal butt is going down...

Lector: It's his heart - as if someone has stabbed him but there is no wound...
Doctor: And exactly how would you spot that if there isn't one?
Lector: With difficulty.
Doctor: Oh, very bloody clever.

Tom Baker: Ladies and Gentlemen, I must say what an honor this is, to appear before you all like this. The last time I said anything even remotely interesting, you cut my legs off. Well, I guess that's why they say "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you shorter". One would think that, after having one's pedestrian organs hacked off with butter knives would have put me off this sort of thing, but, well, where would the surprise be, hmmm? Yes, over the years on Doctor Who I've had the privilege of working with giants... giants of heart, mind, warmth, intellect and bank accounts... But now, sadly, they're all gone. And England is now run... by PYGMIES!!! [points into the crowd] LIKE HIM, AND HIM... AND THAT BITCH OVER THERE!!! Arrogant, anodyne androids with the intellect of a cheese burger and the humanity of advertising executives! What happened, eh, to magic? And dreams? And free beer to anyone whose initials are TB, hmmmm? You lot don't deserve Doctor Who – even if it went away now, you wouldn't even KNOW what you were pretending to miss! Screw all this for a game of ****ing infant teachers! K9! My usual at the Red Lion, and no ice this time! Pah! Foul, impure, non-alcoholic liquid...

Evelyn: Not on my watch, bee-yotch.

Viewer Quotes -

"I'm not the conspiracy theory type, but look at this - the 40th jubilee year for our show and to kick it off Big Finish issue their 40th audio play, which just happens to be called - Jubilee! Whoooah! I mean, whoooaaahhhh!" - Clive "Conspiracy Nut" James (2005)

"Yet another nonsensical time paradox trips over itself."
- C. S. Lewis (2003)

"I was horrified at the amount of graphic violence that had found its way into the production and had essentially ruined an otherwise interesting adventure. A severed head, cutting into someone's throat, leg amputation, and most horrific of all, the slicing of someone's hand complete with squirts of blood! No! No! NO! This was unacceptable and totally gratuitous. These scenes did not further the story nor enhance characterization. They were there merely for shock value. Disturbing scenes such as these are not characteristic of the Doctor Who I know and love. My enjoyment of this story was ruined, not enhanced, by the inclusion of these scenes and makes me question whether or not to purchase other audios that have been reported to be dark and violent in style. I mean, there's no harm in a bit of rape, but this is TOTALLY out of line!" - Terrance Dicks (2003)

"A story set in an unreal environment full of grotesque characters who hate each other and repeat stock phrases over and over and over until the symbolic child is murdered and everything vanishes into the void leaving Doctor and companion the only survivors... One word, Shearman, one word. Palimpsest."
- Nigel Verkoff and the Thesaurus of Mortal Terror (to be published)

Psychotic Nostalgia -
"This is the perfect Doctor Who story. If you like black comedy you'll love it, if you like a great story, with great characters, with top-notch production values, you'll love it even more! It never drags, it's always interesting, and ends up a terrific, if bizarre, place to spend a few hours. If you want a story with even one foot on the ground and even a tenuous grasp on reality, this probably isn't your cup of tea."

Colin Baker Speaks!
"Terry Nation would probably have hated D'you Believe This? His creations are spoofed and mocked for much of the story, not to mention presented sympathetically. But worst of all... worst of all... worst of all is the fact he hadn't already written this."

Tom Baker Speaks!
"Ah, yes, I remember that. Doctor Who and the Dustbins Blow The **** Out of the Fourth Wall And Show Terry Nation For The **** He Is, I think, was the working title. It was definitely what the writer called it... Well, it was all he said, really. To me, at least. Very loudly. I remember that bit when the Dustbin gets all sort of lost and lonely and has to go into a pub. Bollock-tighteningly good that. I often feel the need to go into pubs after running out of people to kill. Yes, Doctor Who and the Dustbins Blow The **** Out of the Fourth Wall And Show Terry Nation For The **** He Is was a great story, but a bit over long if you ask me. Oh, for a copy of the script and a red pen. Don't mock me, I'd do better than Gay Russell, you know I would."

Rumors & Facts -

There's paranoia in abundance. There's severe loathing. There's fear and dread. There's also compassion. Rob Shearman has written another story. D'you Believe This? is the first proper pairing of Colin Baker and Robert Shearman, two of Big Finish's star (or at least most overused) performers so obviously expectations are extremely high.

We never EVER learn, do we?

The aptly-named D'you Believe This? is written by master manipulator Rob Shearman, who takes expectations and twists them via a knife in the gut – a manic condition he is now being treated for. It also bombards the responder with unnerving questions - Is the Doctor a racist? Does he have the right to judge? Is the Doctor a flawed hero in every respect? Have I just been ripped off, yet again, by Big Finish?

D'you Believe This? was originally entitled Dustbin Exploitation, and was inspired when Big Finish got a complaint from the Terry Nation estate that, not only were the human soul royalty payments clearly pre-loved, but Big Finish clearly weren't using the Dustbins with the due care and attention needed. The Nation estate made it clear that the portrayal of Dustbins in The Mutant Phrase, The Rhyme of the Dustbins and the Dustbin Umpire series was unacceptable and bordered on the point of sending the aliens up.

This was on the same day they authorized the use of a Dustbin in a kit-kat commercial where the mechanical nasty's infatuation with cleanliness and racial purity was swayed by the promise of a chocolate snack.

A reasonable man, Rob Shearman took one look at this, kicked in his television and went around throwing molotov cocktails into the canal. This didn't aid his case against the Nation estate but did provide him with free fish for up to six months.

Shearman then decided to outline a proposal for a Big Finish webcast entitled You Hypocritical Scum, but blew several arteries upon trying to express his total disgust at the trivialization of one of the most evil concepts in humanity. Ultimately, Shearman decided to re-use the idea in his proposal for a regular Big Finish, and added in a time paradox for good measure – JHH has a recognized grandfather paradox fetish and it's useful facts like that that can get YOUR submission accepted and makes this guide so fricken valuable.

Shearman's ploy worked like a dream – a strange, distorted and inappropriately erotic dream but a dream none the less. Dustbin Exploitation involved the Doctor and Evelyn arriving in 2003, deciding it was crap, visiting it 1903, and eventually saying 'Sod this,' and listening to Stranglers records (a band Shearman though would appeal to the Sixth Doctor's murderous nature).

Unfortunately, Gay Russell had just accepted Reasons to Care by Paul "Shagger" Carnall and his girlfriend, which was pretty much the same thing except for the choice of Doctor (Eighth), companion (Charley), enemy (Blackadder) and monster (Leonard Nimoy). Yes, Carnall had plagiarized Shearman's work yet again. Also, it was felt that the theme of temporal screw-ups and merchandizing had been thoroughly explored within the Eighth Doctor's series and it would be best to keep the Sixth's separate.

Shearman defended his paradox format for the reason it was left with the open-ended conclusion that Evelyn would end up abandoned in the past and die in mysterious circumstances, which HAD to be a first! Russell nodded his head sagely, nicked the idea and crudely inserted it into the webcast Mealtime, which had now replaced Shearman's proposal.

The outline was re-written, and Shearman added the idea of the Doctor landing on a planet he is already a cultural icon and a famous actor who played the Doctor in a TV series kidnapping the genuine article for daring to challenge his work. Shearman boiled this down by suggesting Tom Baker kidnapping Colin Baker, but a confused PA thus rung Tom Baker up and gave him this proposal. Tom was impressed at this novel idea, and did just that. Finally, Colin was able to break free of his bonds and explain the mix-up, and Tom apologized profusely and offered to appear in Big Finish by way of recompense.

Yes, Big Finish had managed the impossible and brought back Tom Baker. Gay Russell immediately set out to trick Tom Baker into appearing in his own stories, but Tom was wise to this and had to be restrained and sedated. The side effect of this was Tom was temporarily paralyzed from the waist down. Since he was prone to ab-libbing, it was decided Tom's character would be legless for the whole story.

This put the dampeners on Shearman's kidnapping plot, since Tom could barely move his arms, let alone carry out a complicated capture and retrieve mission dressed as a ninja. Dustbin Exploitation was now increasingly confused, with the time paradox plot as yet not edited out and the story now ended with the Sixth Doctor materializing via TARDIS into a young Gay Russell's bedroom, bemused at the DWM centrefolds, before throttling the child and saying it was the good of all humanity.

Other alterations included a Blue Peter-style program where voodoo dolls of Big Finish alumni are being burned, a poem called "What did I do to deserve this?", a washing powder commercial where Nick Briggs was drowned in brand A and only badly beaten with brand B, and also an advertisement for a Dustbin nanny, which exterminated any children likely to grow up to work for Big Finish. Also at this point Shearman decided to stop fannying about and propose to the love of his life – the plum pudding. However, the reminder note on the script was easily mistaken for dialogue, leading to the bizarre sequence where the Dustbin tells Evelyn she's the sexiest baked good it's ever seen.

By this point, even Tom Baker had noticed the contrast between the sharpness of the basic premise - that the Nation estate are a bunch of media whores - and the way it's bullied home with all the skill of a blind neurosurgeon working with a jackhammer.

Colin Baker agreed that, to keep the plot of Dustbin Exploitation under the six hour mark they should remove: the idea of Michael Grade and JST being long-lost cousins; Dustbin juice; clockwork Dustbins; an in-depth guide to Grade's memorabilia; the flight over London; the character of Mary Whitehouse, Wicked Witch of Wessex; and the two time zones getting mixed up. Shearman justified that, as the Dustbin juice was a throwaway remnant of an earlier plotline where drinking Dustbin juice turns you into a Dustbin, and that was good enough for him. The rest were only there to provide one liners.

When Ian Farrington gently tried to break the news that the first thirty pages of episode three were word-for-word copies of The Unholy Error, he was only the first to discover that Shearman had, in fact, fled the studio two days earlier, leaving a crude mannequin in his place. Made out of chicken wire with a cardboard box for a head, big smiley face and a carrot for a nose, Shearman had programmed it for all possible contingencies...

Russell: Look, er, Rob, I know you like this abbreviations idea but I don't think it's appropriate for this story. Keep it for another story, maybe.
Russell: Oh. Right. OK. We'll leave it in, then.

Colin Baker: I don't think these clockwork Dustbins are any good, they read like a dig at real-life Dustbin merchandising, but that's a bit of a cosy point and certainly not worthy of what you're doing here.
Colin Baker: Oh, so it is. Well, if you're sure.

JHH: You don't need the epilogue, you're just over-emphasizing something which is already clear. Grade's horrible, fiery death is enough. Let's stop the story there, leave the audience gasping.
JHH: Good grief! It is! Yeah, I knew that all the time. Great.

Jac Raynor: This Lector character of yours just isn't good enough, Rob, make him real.
Jac Rayner: Yes.... Yes, I suppose it is. Sorry, you carry on.

Tom Baker: Rob, in this scene you are moving effortlessly through thought-provoking themes with grace and precision, but in this bit you're just playing with your knob!
Tom Baker: No it isn't! It's crap.
Tom Baker: What *are* you on about, you strange little man?
Tom Baker: Are you eyeballing me?
Tom Baker: Right. That does it. Dieee!!!

At first it was assumed that, in a drunken rage, Tom Baker had beheaded Rob Shearman, and it was not until late 2003 when he came back for his pot plant was the state funeral canceled. At the time, however, it was decided to just record all the material and hope for the best. In order to give it a veneer of credibility, Martin Jarvis was hired – having previously appeared as a Slurpie in The Weird Planet (1964), a pterodactyl in Evasion of the Dinosaurs (1974) and as Grade Michaels in Vengeance on Vetnor (1985).

In a final act of desperation, JHH ordered that Dustbin Exploitation have the warning on the cover ONLY MAKES SENSE TO THOSE WHO HAVE LOST THEIR VIRGINITY. Thus, not only was no one going to admit not understanding the plot, revenue would be increased ten fold by countless Who fans buying it for street cred.

Unfortunately, while the warning was used on the cover, the name of the story was mistakenly changed to 'D'you Believe This?' as the artist was distracted by Tom Baker's one-line review. Reasons of space meant that this title was the one written and the phrase 'distilled whippet ****' was unfortunately abandoned.