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Serial 6Z/4 – Revenge of the Autons
Revenge of the Autons
An Alternate Programme Guide by Ewen Campion-Clarke
Fifth Entry in the EC Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Canon Fodder

Serial 6Z/4 - Revenge of the Autons -

Aboard the TARDIS, the Doctor and Peri are having a furious, blazing row as Sil the Thoros Betan and Rachel the inflatable woman watch on. The Doctor insists he is a shape-changing alien time traveler who can go anywhere and anywhen in time and space. Peri retorts he is some weird English guy who continually strands her and her sluggy pal in bizarre recreations of England's history.

Having had enough, Peri demands to be returned to her home time and place: New York of 1984. The Doctor responds by piloting his time machine towards Singapore of 1988 – and is, admittedly, somewhat put out when the police box materializes and the scanner screen shows the Statue of Liberty. After a last, foul-mouthed tirade, Peri turns and leaves the TARDIS and its bewildered occupants forever more.

However, she is stopped short when she discovers that the police box has arrived in a Singapore garden composed entirely of vacuum-formed plastic statues – the Statue of Liberty, Nelson's Column, Venus de Milo, Dr. Zaus from Planet of the Apes, and Phantom Peak. The Doctor, Sil and Rachel emerge from the TARDIS, the former congratulating himself on his amazing navigational skills.

As the trio join up with the morose Peri, they pass a rather strange-looking gypsy woman and violin-playing bearded man. Cackling evilly, the two street players retreat inside their caravan. Inside, the truth is revealed – it is the Bastard and his wife, the Rani (formerly the Third Doctor's assistant Jo Grant), and the "caravan" is the Rani's TARDIS, cunningly disguised. However, the Rani is rapidly getting bored of the 'holiday' in Singapore, where two of the most advanced life forms in the universe are forced to dress up as buskers and perform to the crowd for loose change.

The Bastard twirls his moustache, relishing the sheer evil of their crime – he uses his brainwashing mind powers to make sure every passer-by makes a donation. "...and the poor fools never realize! Bwa-hah-haha!" the evil Time Lord laughs.

The Rani dryly points out that so far they've managed to scrape together enough cash for a happy meal at the local McDonalds. Clearly, all the rich gits in Singapore avoid this particular back street next to the plastic statue theme park. Frankly, moving their TARDIS would be a smart move, but quitting the whole 'beggar' routine would be smarter. The Bastard awkwardly tries to change the subject, but the Rani turns the tables on him and demands they go out for dinner tonight. The Bastard explains, he'd like to, he'd love to, except... At its simplest, he is experiencing an extreme negative cash flow situation.

"What do you mean, 'you're broke'?!?" the Rani snaps.

"Well, uh, I don't have any money. Dear."

"I don't believe this! We held up a bank on Saurius Major two hundred years from now – and that was just LAST WEEK!"

"That is true. Petal. But, er, Saurian currency DOES consist of hand-woven sachets of KY jelly and I doubt the locals will accept it. And if they do, I honestly don't think that their food is trustworthy."

"Oh, for crying out loud, just swallow your pride and use the TARDIS ATM like a normal time-traveling renegade criminal genius."

"Well, er. Flower. Bit of a problem there."

"Now what?!?"

"The ATM is, er, out of order."

"HOW out of order?"

"Completely out of order. I was just taking out some Zom liquid inflation-proof notes and..."

"Oh no! Not Zom liquid inflation-proof notes?!?"

The Bastard sighs, admits he was stupid enough to dial up the main currency of the one planet in the whole cosmos stupid enough to worship the Doctor and print his face on their money. As the Bastard has never been on a bank note, he got the red mists and used his tissue compression doohickey and ruined the TARDIS ATM. The begging in Singapore was just his unsuccessful attempt to distract his wife while auto-repair kicked in.

The Rani is furious, indeed, SO furious that as she peers out the window and spies the Doctor wandering past she deliberately avoids telling the Bastard, knowing too well this will start a truly pathetic 'terrible revenge' that will be very embarrassing for all concerned.

At that moment, a hail of glowing crème eggs plummet out of the sky and land at strategic points across Singapore. The Rani recognizes the crème eggs as Nestle energy spheres, which she created during a dull long weekend at Winchester. She and the Bastard created the alien menace, not only for fun, but created an ouroborotic time loop that lead to their first meeting in the first place. They watch on proudly as the plastic statues in the park are brought to life by the alien intelligence and promptly go on a rampage.

The Bastard admires the fact that the Nestles have chosen to go right to the 'destruction of civilization' phase of the plan straight away rather than create a ludicrous human go-between and invent chocolate factories that will no doubt attract human attention. As he applauds the aliens' subtlety, he and his wife watch Queen Victoria and a bust of Napoleon slaughter awestruck tourists trying to pose with them.

The Doctor suspects the Nestle influence has reached Singapore – not only because of various plastic and chocolate items murdering innocents in sight, but because Rachel has been possessed by the evil aliens and tries to throttle him. However, due to various cop-outs like respiratory bypass systems and improper grip, the Doctor survives. He decides he will never be truly defeat an insidious menace like the Autons on his own. He thus decides to run for government, take control of the country and outlaw the substances with which the Autons will conquer the universe. He might also get into the pictures for free.

While Peri and Sil begin an advertising campaign – "Vote the Doctor For King!" – the Rani and the Bastard watch on with a spiraling sense of bewilderment. Normally, they would side with either the Doctor or the Autons to fight the other and control the Earth but this sudden segue into politics unnerves them. They decide to get in contact with their "true master", whom they know only as "Fearless Leader", High Lord of the Brotherhood of Evil, the Corporation that Secretly Runs The Universe. They communicate with Fearless Leader via an old Bakelite television set in the corner of the room.

Fearless Leader – a cardboard cut out of a comic strip panel showing super-villain in a balaclava – talks to them in a sickening Russian accent. In faltering English he explains that, in order to convince the universal governments of his power, he is deciding to allow the Nestles to conquer Earth and they HE will conquer the Nestles by 'conwerting' the Nestle Consciousness to 'EWIL'! When the Bastard timidly points out that they will simply be foiled by the Doctor like every other week, he and the Rani are electrocuted by Fearless Leader's power. He explains he already has an operative working in the field...

At that moment, a B29 bomber reappears over the Bermuda triangle, piloted by a crazed, cigar-smoking Ninth Doctor in a ten gallon hat along with his deeply-fried co-pilot Rose. Taking the wrong turn at Albuquerque, they end up in Singapore and the Ninth Doctor rewires the in-flight television. They then get a credulity-straining info dump via Singapore television, as a newsreader comments that if the alien lust replicas don't shape up pronto, they will use their nuclear warhead. Said warhead is cunningly concealed in the deserted warehouse district. The Ninth Doctor and Rose dismiss the news bulletin as "Tokyo Row Taiwanese propaganda" and decide to steal the warhead and make President Truman a proud man...

Meanwhile, the Sixth Doctor is rehearsing his inauguration speech while Peri and Sil prepare his broadcast to the nation. With the government slaughtered by Autons, the Doctor has assumed control of Singapore with his 'One Time Lord, One Vote' policy. Already he has designed The Reverse Polarizer, a complicated causal-nexus device that involves toasters popping, wheels spinning, burning fuses; the end result firing a cross-bow. With this he has already killed thirteen Autons during the last cutaway sequence.

As the Doctor admires a caricatured poster of himself in the background he is taken aback as a UNIT jeep smashes through the wall, carrying the Third Doctor, Jo, the Brigadier, Benton and Yates. The Brigadier – guessing the Sixth Doctor's identity via his disturbing wardrobe – explains that UNIT has been sent to Singapore to provide security for the forthcoming election. Peri is put out that the highly trained anti-alien force hasn't noticed the Autons invading outside.

The Sixth Doctor is certain his past self can come up with some ludicrous last-minute solution, and instead tries to show Peri the big picture by taking her outside and pointing up at the stars.

"What do you see, Peri? Tell me."

"Space? Stars? The cold, vastness of infinity? The star-studded canopy of celestial spaces?"

"Wrong, Peri – it's real estate. Real estate! And we've got to keep it safe for the middle classes. For too long has local government been screwing over the little man – it's about time *I* had a go."

As Peri despairs at the Doctor's sudden infatuation with power and position, the Rani politely opens the door of her TARDIS and lets in the Auton leader, the Nestle calling itself Peppermint Patty, for a respectable dinner party. The Bastard is on his best behavior and is even wearing a tie, but cannot stop himself giggling every time he looks at Patty – who is unfortunately in the shape of the Statue of Liberty. Nevertheless, after an awkward start and with much grinding of teeth from the Rani, they have a pleasant meal with Patty and discuss a possible merger over the future of the dominion of Earth.

Although Patty doesn't realize it, this is in fact a trap and the Bastard and the Rani intend to 'conwert her to ewil'. To do this, they immediately trick Patty into a sculling competition with illegal homebrew. The dazed patty immediately agrees to stay for some after-dinner entertainment:

"Now," the Bastard grins, "Patty, the Nestle Consciousness has been colonizing worlds for half a million years – so I suppose you've never actually got round to experimenting with... car sickness pills?"

In a neighboring warehouse, the fifth Doctor, Adric, Nyssa and Tegan are preparing their assassination of the Sixth Doctor. Tegan is surprised that the wishy-washy blonde Doctor could stomach the idea of gunning down another living being in cold blonde, but the crazed cricketer explains that he has taken up the assassination gig after Colonel Sanders appeared to him and told him to kill the badly-dressed nutter. He locks and loads his rifle and prepares to find a handy book depository to get a clear shot. Adric, Tegan and Nyssa are sent to deal with UNIT, who are providing the security arrangements.

Back in the Rani's TARDIS, the Bastard and the Rani have strapped Patty into A Clockwork Orange-style torture chair and are showing it endless silent porn flicks with flashes of PlayBeing centrefolds.

The Sixth Doctor is being interviewed by Sarah-Jane Smith, and deliberately ignoring the Fourth Doctor, who is sulking in the corner, playing with his yoyo and complaining he never lets himself ever have any fun like conquering the universe. At that moment, the Second Doctor and Jamie appear, explaining they have been sent by the Time Lords to stop the deranged Fifth Doctor from assassinating his future self. The Sixth Doctor doubts that the Second can save the day, but the little anarchist has a cunning plan – he has wired himself to explode.

"Don't you see?" the little man complained. "If *I* explode into soggy little pieces, that means that the young chap in the cricket gear will never have existed and, thus, can never harm you."

"Uh... but that will mean *I* will vanish as well!" the Sixth Doctor protests. "Doesn't that defeat the purpose of trying to save me?"

"We've all got to be prepared to make sacrifices, smartarse!"

The Second Doctor moves to press the plunger when a B29 bomber strikes the warehouse, knocking everyone over. The Ninth Doctor and Rose emerge and quickly locate one of the Autons in the guise of a bust of 19th century novelist Evelyn Waugh – it is, after all, a Waugh Head and so they assume it to be the ultimate weapon of mass destruction. As they mingle between the startled Doctors and companions, the Ninth Doctor and Rose mutter awkward apologies as they collect the device.

Suddenly, a small man with a question-mark umbrella and a panama hat arrives and snarls that such a device is immoral, inhuman and distinctly unsightly. Disgusted, he lists the horrible atrocities that will occur to millions of innocents if the Ninth Doctor uses the bomb. "Is this Waugh?" he demands. "Is this honor? Are these weapons YOU would use? TELL ME!"

"Hell, yeah," the Ninth Doctor. "We're still toe-to-toe with the Moxx of Balhoon and I ain't gonna let the Gallifreyan way of life be indoctrinated and consecrated by some ugly midget in a spacesuit."

Unable to find a flaw in the Ninth Doctor's argument, the Seventh offers to help carry the Waugh Head back to the plane.

Meanwhile, the Nestle Consciousness has been conwerted to ewil. It drinks up to seven bottles of scotch an hour and has already cheated the Rani and the Bastard out of all of their hard-won cash as it deals another round of marked cards. Upon realizing this, the furious renegades surround Patty with heaters and watch the bastard melt.

Meanwhile, the First Doctor desperately tries to establish order as his future selves: try to blow himself with explosives; reverse the polarity; perform a tricky double loop; assassinate his next incarnation; run for government; carry a warhead; and pilot the plane. As various incarnations shout, why should they listen to the first Doctor? He's the oldest-looking, but he's also the youngest and most inexperienced Time Lord there – how come he's supposed to know better?

Depressed, the First Doctor sods off and the Eighth Doctor arrives wearing only a dressing gown and irritable as 'Charley' is still on the boil. Furiously, he arms the Waugh Head and tells the others they can do whatever the hell they want to do now. "You might all cease to exist before during or after the bomb explodes, but I'm sure as hell not wasting my time here. Rot in hell, you maggots!"

Just then, the Bastard enters with the melting remains of Patty on his head and takes control of all the attacking Autons. At this latest development, the Sixth Doctor just shakes his head and enters his TARDIS along with Sil and Peri. It dematerializes.

The remaining Doctors, companions, enemies and UNIT troops wonder what bug crawled up the Sixth Doctor's ass moments before they remember the bomb, which promptly explodes, wiping out Singapore forever before the Earth and finally the universe implode around it.

Book(s)/Other Related -
Doctor Who – Yellow Fever And How To Die From It
Doctor Who & The Fanwank Implosion
Drop the Plastic Donkey

Goofs -
This story got beyond the discussion stage without complete revision.

The Sixth Doctor says that he Sil and Peri survived the collapse of the astral plane because they were swingers. How the hell does Sil survive then? Is he a swinger because of his adventures with the Doctor?

The Earth is destroyed in the final scenes of this story and this is conveniently forgotten for the rest of Doctor Who.

Who are these "ladies of ill-repute" that Adric speaks of so fondly? And why the hell aren't they in the story? Everyone ELSE is!

Whatever happened to Rachel? One minute she's throttling the Sixth Doctor, the next... Did one of the other Doctor's kidnap her? Come to that, the respective fates of everyone bar the Sixth Doctor, Peri and Sil remain unknown. They just sort of disappeared from the entire latter half of the story once the Mara showed up.

Just what are the "failures" that the Bastard is shouting about in the TARDIS? Is he impotent? And why would he want to piss off the Rani when he must know she'd rip him apart? Didn't he learn anything from the ATM disaster?

Who took the TARDIS away? And why did they put it back later? Was it just to worry the Sixth Doctor? If so, it was a pretty stupid idea!

Technobabble –
The Bastard uses a Null Matrix Inducer to try and repair the ATM.

Links and References -
Melanie Bush promises to consider taking up traveling with the Doctor – once he dumps the slug and whiney American. He promises to call her.

Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor hasn't been in such a confusing adventure since James Joyce tried to take over his mind with cocktail umbrellas.
It is also implied that the Bastard and the Rani's "Fearless Leader" is, in fact, James Joyce.

Groovy DVD Extras -
An explanation, justification and apology by JST for this story.
Dialogue Disasters -

Patty: I am the Great Peppermint Patty.
Rani: Not THE Great Peppermint Patty?! Roommate of the Dreadful Delores? Cousin of the Semi-Terrifying Fred? Neighbor to the Inoffensive Bob?
Patty: The very same.

Second Doctor: You go find Victoria, Jamie, while I find the equipment.

First Doctor: My dear woman, that's the trouble with technicians. They focus all their energies on tests, on numbers, and other such minutiae; meanwhile, the world -- or a man -- passes by unnoticed. No sense of the larger view, that's their downfall. And, by the way, might I say what a packed bra you seem to be wearing tonight?

Sixth Doctor: You tried to assassinate me! Assassinate ME!?!?
Fifth Doctor: It was horrible. That monster changed and used my body for his evil purposes!
Sixth Doctor: You're not fooling anyone, blondie.

The bizarre poetry in certain scenes:
Fourth Doctor: Oh, for a screwdriver, sonic or plain!
Oh, for some luck, maybe now and again!
Oh, for a rescue both simple and quick!
Oh, for a robotic canine to kick!

Dialogue Triumphs -

Bastard: You will die a death that will span CENTURIES of agony! Every nerve in your body will suffer pain BEYOND your imagination!!
Patty: It's just a game of Fish, Time Lord.
Bastard: Which you cheated! You DID have a king!

Fourth Doctor: Romana! My wine seems to have gone missing!!
(...maybe you had to be there.)

Ace: Don't talk down to me, girl!
Adric: Who you calling 'girl'? I'm not a girl, I don't have breasts!
Ace: You don't need them.

Dustbin: I couldn't quite make that out. Enunciate! ENUNCIATE!

Susan: What do you and Grandfather do?
Charley: Mostly shag each other senseless.


Second Doctor: Make any request, and I'll play it for you.
Fourth Doctor: Any request? Stop playing.

Nyssa and Tegan, after the latter has emptied another round of ammo into the bodies of Adric and the UNIT gang -
"They were already dead."
"Did it matter?"

Ninth Doctor: OI, the seven of us are going to have a game of Monopoly. Fancy joining in? We'll let you be the Scotty dog!
Jamie: Are you taking the piss?

Cyberman: Why did you release the girl?
Third Doctor: Why is it always "the girl"? Don't villains know a woman when they see one?
Adric: I AM NOT A GIRL!!

Sixth Doctor: You see, Melanie, the TARDIS has been my only home for longer than some civilizations have existed. Without her, I become trapped, constrained, a mere vestige of myself. She has cradled me in death and in rebirth, been my doorway to wonders and horrors than break the soul or heal it.
Melanie: Yes, but I'm sure we can make do without it, Doctor. I mean, it's just another emotional crutch, really, isn't it? You've got to learn self-sufficiency in this day and age!
Sixth Doctor: Melanie, you don't understand! The TARDIS and I... We exist in symbiosis. If that ever stops, one of us becomes a parasite. A vampire, a dead thing sucking the life out of the other. A travesty of what once was.
Mel: Oh, Doctor, you're just being melodramatic now.
Peri: Uh-huh. You should see him when he gets enthusiastic. That's downright f*cking terrifying.

The Second Doctor (covered in sticks of dynamite) to Ace:
"Feeling... insufficient?"

Peri: Doctor, I honestly don't think that running for government is going to stop the Nestles!
Sixth Doctor: I suppose I'm a hard one to convince, but frankly, I don't care what you say. I'm a madman at heart.

Nyssa: So just WHY are you trying to kill your future self?
Fifth Doctor: The light that is in me is darkness.
Nyssa: Just that?
Fifth Doctor: Well, I suppose the outfit is good enough reason...

Leela: People who wave guns around have this bad habit of getting shot. That's why I prefer using knives.

Sixth Doctor: I do so hate it when racism comes into these death threats. Couldn't you just kill me because you hate my outfit or my hair or something, and leave the Time Lords out of it?
Fifth Doctor: See, Nyssa? All the justification I need!

Ninth Doctor: Ah, Singapore! It's so wonderful here.
Rose: It's hot.
Ninth Doctor: But in a wonderful way.

Seventh Doctor: Something's wrong, Ace. With the universe. Can't you feel it? It's like an orchestra with one instrument out of tune?
Ace: It's just that Beatle with the recorder, Professor, nothing to get all worked up about.
Seventh Doctor: What do you mean nothing to get worked up about? He's mangling Hey Jude like there's no tomorrow! That music is the little sleep that brings death to us all!
Ace: Just take the bloody recorder off him if it's such a big deal!

Melanie: I'm sorry, Doctor, but I won't set foot in that TARDIS until you get rid of Sil here.
Sil: Why? What's wrong with me?
Melanie: What's wrong with you? Doctor, he's a money-grubbing slug!
Sixth Doctor: Well, nobody's perfect!

The First Doctor about the Sixth:
"So there are nine of me now. You beat the rest hands down in terms of sheer homosexual deviancy. Yes, I should say so. Hmm."

Sixth Doctor: This situation seems to me to bear all the tell-tale signs of my old enemies - the Dustbins, the Cybermen and the Bastard!
Peri: But, it's the Autons invading Singapore!
Sixth Doctor: That's just what they WANT you to think, Peri!

Eighth Doctor: Now, in order to more effectively combat this menace, I think we should pool our information. I'll go first... All right, now you go.

Viewer Quotes -

"It started off well enough, with the Time Lord/Nestle war, then something just...happened. I don't know exactly what DID happen, but it was bad, baby. I mean, it had FANGS, that's how bad it was."
- Paranoid Cult TV Monthly (1998)

"Fearless Leader and his evil cohorts were rather a nebulous but intriguing enemy, so why the hell were they replaced during episode three with the Mara, which makes little to no sense unless we assume there was a last-minute justification for the Fifth Doctor going all postal worker. But would even he have taken the word of that paper snake monster that his sixth self was the antichrist? I know I would have! Just look at him! Those question marks are really the numbers of the beast! Evil! Evil from the dawn of time!"
- Father James O'Malley (1987)

"The morality of the Bastard's actions is questioned, but all too quickly rationalized away. I mean, I bet HE has cheated at Fish once or twice, huh? Huh?"
- Mickey "Blue Eyes" McDoon (1993)

"An excellent build-up, with suspenseful events and realistic characterization, and an ending that is disappointing to say the very least. Quite like sex with me, if I'm honest."
- Nigel Verkoff (2000)
Psychotic Nostalgia -
"Yeah, turning people into Autons is a mighty delicate piece of work. You can't just, for example, shove a hose pipe down their throat and pump in liquid plastic and hope for the best. Trust me on that one."

Colin Baker Speaks!
"I don't really have much to say about this story. I mean, just watching all that now... Whoa. That's all I can say. All I can say. I mean, I didn't know half of that happened, let alone FILMED! The script was nothing like that, seriously. It was actually about this race from a alternate Earth that was destroying parallel universes in order to protect their own dimension from their vile enemies, the Anarchs. Luckily this universe, which is 263 by the way, is saved because not another universe has a Doctor like me in it. Weird how things turn out during filming on location, huh?"

Rumors & Facts -

For the next season of the Sixth Doctor, producer John Satan-Turner was determined to make the six-part mid-season blockbuster the ultimate fan masturbation story ever, beating even Atari of the Cybermen. It was to be written by Sherlock Holmes at gunpoint, after his sanity-sapping exercise on The Even Doctors. The touching tale of the Second and Sixth Doctors teaming up to confront the Fourth Doctor as he attempts to conquer the universe starting from Seville was, at the end of the day, nothing more than a limp justification for JST to go overseas, enjoy himself, and demand payment from the BBC.

Eric Saward was on record as thinking JST was "pushing it" after he had tricked the BBC given them three months' paid vacation at Blackpool Pleasure Beach on the flimsy justification they were filming Doctor Who. JST, however, considered this the perfect moment for a surprise attack, and so he and his boyfriend hauled ass to Singapore to, er, 'scout out suitable locations' in person.

Returning to England with a deep tropical tan and several interesting infections, JST showed Holmes and Saward three seconds of location footage that he had managed to film at great personal risk before a piece of hot meteorite struck the handheld camera and rendered it useless for the rest of their stay. Saward and Holmes were under-whelmed at the few, out-of-focus frames that showed a fountain at a ninety-degree angle when JST said the magic word, "Autons!"

While, as a rule, Holmes preferred creating new situations and characters, he did have a soft spot for ones HE'D invented. The Autons had been invented by Holmes in fifteen seconds one sunny afternoon in 1969. While thinking of possible monsters, he decided to use all the types and just stick one name to it. Thus the Autons (and their controlling force, the Nestle Consciousness) are: a secret government conspiracy, evil doppelgangers, sweet-tasting confectionery, unstoppable plastic robots, everyday objects gone bad, and huge Lovecraftian monsters all within the space of twenty-five minutes.

However, Holmes couldn't think of any even remotely plausible explanation for why the Autons would be in Singapore, or even if they were then he doubted they'd be doing anything interesting or broadcastable. Holmes point out that the monsters had barely appeared in their second (and, until now, final) appearance, all the interesting and important stuff being centred around another one of Holmes creations – the Bastard, an evil, moustache-twirling villain that had taken Holmes even less time to create than the Autons.

However, JST took this the wrong way and believed that Holmes was suggesting the new story feature the Bastard re-joining the Autons in Singapore and was delighted at the idea. Saward caustically pointed out that a six-part serial needs a bit more meat to it than that, and JST nodded vigorously. He remembered the last story they'd done with the Bastard had had him team up with his wife, the evil augmented Jo Grant, now referring to herself as the Rani. As Holmes had created Jo Grant, JST found the idea of a second story featuring the Autons, the Bastard and Jo Grant nicely symmetrical. Rolling his eyes, Holmes sarcastically demanded why they didn't include Mike Yates, the UNIT captain he had also created in that serial, and so JST insisted that Yates appear in the story as well.

JST officially commissioned "The Overabundance of Continuity" that day, now featuring the Sixth Doctor, Peri, Sil and Rachel teaming up with the Third Doctor, Jo and UNIT to fight the Bastard, the Rani AND the Autons while at the same time repelling a surprise counter-strike by the Snotarans, Wirrn, Sharaz Jek, Q-tip, Wong-Jing and the Munsters. Even as Saward and Holmes were sent out of the room to write up a script, JST had an epiphany and immediately changed his trousers. He suggested that, by simply using the law of averages, the Sixth Doctor arrived in Singapore at the exact moment every OTHER Doctor and monster combination possible could also be done.

Holmes shook his head and immediately decided to abandon his initial plot of sex shops being overrun by Autons. The story was renamed "Laid in Singapore", and featured most of the main characters beating the sh*t out of each other between insulting JST for going overseas for his own sexual gratification and not giving a fig about poor writers like Holmes. The abuse was of such intensity JST saw through the subtext and demanded the material be altered. Saward changed the story to Yellow Fever and How To Die From It, suggesting to Holmes if they said "Yellow Fever" long enough JST might contract some horrible terminal disease via weird voodoo forces.

However, disaster struck mere hours into recording. Singapore's bizarre local laws prevented anyone from using video cameras or similar recording devices, which is why JST had only been able to film three seconds on his handheld camcorder (or so he claims). Furious, Saward demanded to know just how JST planned to record a six-part serial in a country when they were not allowed to use cameras. JST replied he had hoped that Holmes would think of something, but, quite clearly, the idea of location filming in Singapore had to be scrapped.

JST decided instead to relocate YFAHTDFI in Hong Kong, instead, and also set it in the year 1997 so they could make lots of amusing satirical jokes like Leonardo Di Caprio getting a job as an British man pretending to be an American in a film about the Titanic, and Jeffrey Archer getting arrested. Furious, Holmes refused to alter his script and, so, as the production crew filmed scenes in the Furama Hotel, the Castle Road Baptist Church, Tsim Sha Shui, on Hong Kong Star Ferry, inside Poco Loco club, characters constantly claimed that they were, in fact, in darkest Singapore. However, things went pear-shaped as the team left Victoria Peak for the Zhu Jiang estuary, where authorities believing that JST had smuggled in Nabil Shaban (who, in full costume, was mistaken for a strange animal) without going through quarantine.

This lead to the entire Doctor Who cast and crew being thrown in jail before being deported. With little budget left, JST decided to have the Limegrove Studios decked out in a perfect recreation of Victoria Island and the Propaganda club of Hong Kong, but still had the script refer to it as Singapore.

By this time, the so-called plot had fallen to pieces. In blind fury, Saward deliberately made sure the characters and actions went in total tangents whenever JST introduced a new 'blast from the past'. By this time, the first five Doctors and a hoard of companions had returned, along with Dustbins, Cybermen, Ice Cream Venders and Snotarans. JST was running out of old characters to drop in the plot, and after suggesting that the entire situation had been masterminded by the Mara (an ancient origami demon the Fifth Doctor had courted in Kinda and Snakedate at the behest of the Time Lords), he started to invent new and ridiculous characters to drop into the narrative. He thus came up with the manipulative anarchist Seventh Doctor and his explosive companion Ace; the half-Paddington Bear half-Lord Byron Eighth Doctor and his oversexed girlfriend Charley Pollard; and wild bronko Ninth Doctor and his tobacco-chewing sidekick Rose Tyler. These ideas were so utterly ludicrous, so monumentally crap, that when they were ultimately used as real parts of the canon, no one thought twice about a connection with the appalling chaos occurring in this Auton story.

With the costs of the serial now out of control, production of YFAHTDFI abandoned studio and was being filmed in London's China Town. JST decided that, rather than hire the likes of Tom Baker and Jon Pertwee to reprise their roles, the returning characters would be played by anyone who could speak English – age, height, appearance and even gender went out of the window, leading to a deaf, blind old woman playing Adric and an albino bodybuilder as Charley Pollard. The plus side was that the saved money allowed washing to be strategically placed so as to mask any of the more familiar everyday objects.

Unfortunately, no one was sure what counted as unfamiliar in both Hong Kong AND Singapore, and in any case there wasn't enough washing to conceal the lampposts, street signs, or the great British public. What's more, a subplot where the Doctor tried to get the Rani to change her ways by forcing her to meet her younger self (Jo Grant) was scuppered when Saward refused to allow Katy Manning two roles, as this would increase her pay a full six times above his own salary. Thus, with a black midget hermaphrodite playing Jo, the scene became even more confusing and embarrassing – especially when "Jo's" Tourette's Syndrome used up valuable screen time.

Finally, the police arrested the entire cast and crew again and the rest of the budget was wasted bailing JST out of the cells. The story was thus, unfinished and probably never would be. Saward immediately went off to get wasted while Holmes began frothing loudly at the mouth.

JST had the first inklings that YFAHTDFI would not be the best story of the season, despite the fact is was "written" by a well-liked author, featured the return of some old enemies. He thus decided to scrap the yellow fever plot line (which had yet to be filmed) and change the title to The Something of the Autons. When he asked Holmes for a suitable noun, he got the reply:

"I *will* have my REVENGE!!"

Thus, the story was finally named. Ironically, Revenge of the Autons would be the most well received of the season, as few of the fans would admit that the story was a completely baffling fanwank romp and so they applauded it. Those that actually comprehended it instantly abandoned Doctor Who and started watching The A Team instead.