DIY Sheep versus Doctor Who and everybody else

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It is amazing type 'Paul' + 'McGann' + 'total' + 'tosser' and you are back here like a boomerang. Kids these days, that's all I can say.

Bad fan fiction or hello Mary Sue: No, really - it is meant to be bad...


It is all about sex!
‘Who are you Doctor?’ she asked.

He stopped and came back to her. ‘You know like what we were saying about brothels in Amsterdam?’

Billie looked puzzled. ‘No.’

‘Oh well never mind. I must have been thinking of Tegan. It is like when you have done too much hash and the world is spinning and spinning and you have this incredible urge to eat those little rinse aid tablets that look like sweets.’

He took her hand. ‘Basically it all comes down to sex. I have shagged men, women and little fury things from Alpha Centari… and cor Jabe – wasn’t she sex on a stick: literally.

Tegan, Turlough, K9, that cute violinist Karl from The Year of Intelligent Tigers. I wasn’t that rapt in Charley though – but I still shagged her rotten. Because I’m the Doctor and, like they said in Zagreus, the Doctor never ever gives up cos he has a supply of cheap Viagra. And that is the beauty of it Rose - I can feel it… sometimes two or three times a good night depending on if Fiona Bruce is on tele – Whoah!’

So forget me Rose Tyler… cos I like older women and I am currently having an affair with the entire Fullham football team and seeing Rupert Everett on the side… and no you can’t keep the vibrating plastic fist. It’s mine.’

And then, he was gone as mysteriously as he had come. Only the faint echo of Britney Spears lingered in the air as Rose slowly turned and walked away.

Mary Sue
'Oh Mary Sue'

'Oh Doctor' she said, her love mounds quivering at the sight of his small, but perfectly formed question mark that sat so provocatively on his collar. How many sentences had it 'punc tu ate ed' she wondered?

'You are so closed and mysterious. Why won't you let me in? Why won't you take off that battered Panama hat for just one minute,' she sobbed.

He turned abruptly away from her. 'I can't. It is important that I remain shwouded in mystery. And I know that if I get too attached, while I will go on changing from one sexy body to another you will wither and die a horrible old deformed crone.'

'But can't something be done? You have all this technology at your disposal. Can't you - The Doctor - time's champion, find a way.'

He stopped his harried pacing and looked down at her. 'Yes, yes I suppose I could... no it's not right.'

'Oh please. You know I want to be with you - anything.'

He looked deeply into her eyes. 'Well I could stuff you. I am a dab hand at taxidermy.'
Love and Lust With Doctor Number Eight
I just want to jump on him, wrestle him to the floor and shag him till bits fall off him.

As Mr Humphries may or may not have said: 'Oh err'. I have discovered an element of Doctor Who I really do not remember. Jellybabies: Check. Saving the universe: Check. Silly little question marks: Check. Long lustful looks over the console: What the?

Soon they will have him mysteriously falling into every bit of water he comes across so they can recreate the Colin Firth shirt thing.

'Oh look a duck pond Doctor.'- Splash, 'Sorry.' ..

'Do you really want to go to Water World again Sam?' ..

'I just can't understand it? Why has the TARDIS been homing in on soo many wet T-Shirt competitions lately? There must be a problem with the space time continuum, eh Charlie?'

'Er yes - yes there must be.' ..

All I can say is that I am very glad they didn't start all this palaver with Sarah Jane and Number Three. That would have just been too weird. ...

'I am far more than just another Time Lord.'

She looked into the big gooey dewy puppy dog cute fluffy white kittens in a basket full of roses and photographed in soft focus then sold as cheap calendars slightly off blue/green/turquoise/aqua marine eyes that were staring unblinkingly into her own girk brown ones.

She crossed her arms, pouted in an annoying way and hurumphed. 'You're still not getting any you know!' she said determinedly.

He didn't seem to get the message. In fact he didn't seem to have a clue. This just made him all the more jumpable. He merely looked puzzled in an amazingly gorgeous manner, cocked his head adoringly and waggled his crooked fingers in a really cute way.

'Sam Sam Sam, Charley Charley Charley, Mary Sue, Mary Sue, Mary Sue.. I am just confused, so very confused and I don't know about what. whatever it is I am meant to be confused about. And it is all so very confusing. So perhaps I am confused, but perhaps I am not. But then again perhaps I am actually confusing myself into believing I am confused when I don't have to be. It is all very confusing,' he said with an endearing, yet surprisingly beatifically innocent look on his face.

She looked at his crumpled smile wrapped up in his bottle green jacket and silly haircut.

'Oh stuff it,' she said.

Then she leapt on him.

It Was a Dark and Stormy Night

Oh the cruel ironies of the seven galaxies of Forgesterea Prime. Of all the badly lit caves in all the multi trans-dimensional universes inhabited by hyper intelligent shades of the colour blue, why did he have to walk into this one?

"Sharez, You know - you wear that leather face mask so well. Forget Peri. Yes she has great breasts, but she's got the brain of a particularly uninspiring and malformed turnip. I can show you things to do with celery that you have never dreamt of in your wildest imaginings," he said as he threw back his mane of manufactured golden tips and laughed as if to the gods of some small, but exotic world with wild purple seas where being a god involved carrying a really big hammer and wearing a hat with horns on it all the time, even when having tea with your mother in law.

Orrible or wot?


In honour of the 'delightful' influx of new fan fiction (or as some call it the after effects of drinking too much Red Bull and then attacking your keyboard with your elbow) that has popped up since the new series started I present a Doctor Who song fic based on the song Sk8ter Boi by Avril Levine.




Time Lord Boi



He was a Time Lord boi, she was a ditsy chav,

What more can I say?


He said see you later Rose, by the way there is a nasty green alien monster about to eat you Rose,

If it was good enough for Tom Baker it is good enough for me,

5 million years from now, she sits alone,

Holding a twig,

watching her world explode

He said come with me, but ran off to have sex with a tree,
And he never called

So she isn't a fan,

She just sits there wishing it were still Paul McGann