Serial 7F/B – Fist-Fight
An Alternate Programme Guide by Ewen Campion-Clarke
An Extract From
The EC Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Quirky Ways
Totally illegal use of the story "Attack of the Quarks" from 9 Lives
mercy on me – I have been ill)
Serial 7F/B – Fist-Fight -
The Seventh Doctor and Mel are aboard
the TARDIS when they spot the space yacht on a leisure cruise of supreme comfort and luxury and in absolutely no danger or
trouble. So they decide to gatecrash it.
The TARDIS lands in the leaky warehouse cargo bays – demonstrating that
the yacht isn't COMPLETELY luxurious. I mean where are the waitresses serving luggage chilled champagne, eh? Answer me that!
Doctor and Mel emerge to discover a curiously-shaped marital aide sitting in the middle of the bay, which promptly explodes.
If that wasn't bewildering enough, two chainsaw-wielding robot Quirks enter the bay and advance on the time travelers in the
least threatening manner possible – a mean feat whenever chainsaws are involved.
Suddenly the Quirks stop moving
and Mel announces she can no longer see them, despite the fact they're right in front of her. Two cross-dressing Dullasses,
Kieran and Gladys, enter and explain that they work for the oxymoronical "Dullass Entertainment Division" and have been torturing
and reprogramming Quirks to fight robot wars for their sadistic entertainment.
The Doctor acidly comments that the
Dullasses are becoming nasty – perhaps even interesting! Kieran welcomes them to the space yacht Mango Crusher and offers
to show Mel his "really heavy but especially interesting artifact". Meanwhile, a Dullass called Dully arrives and is delighted
to meet the Doctor again, and is rather displeased to find he no longer travels with Zoe. The Doctor screams very loudly he
has never met ANYONE called Dully and can he sod off and die please?
The Doctor and Kieran wander off and stumble across
an old fridge which Kieran is utterly fascinated by and suspects it is, in fact, another Quirk. The Doctor rolls his eyes
and explains mistaking fridges for Quirks is a common mistake and that he really should get a life. However, he agrees to
try and reactivate the ship when Kieran double-dares him not to.
Meanwhile, Mel watches on as Gladys forces the Quirks
to beat the electronic crap out of each other at the behest of another marital aide. Gladys explains they have been collecting
derelict robots from various planets where the Dominatrixes simply can't be bothered keeping their wacky comic relief servants.
After a while, Mel gets bored and wanders off in search for something even remotely interesting. On her quest, she encounters
a spider and begins screaming.
The Doctor inexplicably manages to turn the fridge into a Quirky armored-plated robotic
killing machine which – shockingly! – immediately tries to kill them. Unfortunately, it fails and promptly wanders
off looking for something more killable. It gets bored and frees its fellow Quirks from their robotic bondage. This has the
effect of driving the Quirks criminally insane and they go on the rampage.
Dully desperately warns his fellow Dullasses
that the Quirks are not going to lure them into 'kinky games' but instead reduce them to tomato paste. They ignore him. The
Quirks prepare to humiliate the Dullasses and the Doctor – who is now bored rigid – decides to sit back and watch
in the hope this might be vaguely interesting.
The efficiency of the Quirky killing machines is quickly proved when
Mel drop-kicks one and renders it totally useless. This demoralizes the Doctor so utterly he decides to sod off in the TARDIS
While the Quirks force the Dullasses into oiled Greco-Roman wrestling for their entertainment, the Doctor
visits the planet Puxatornee and mucks about with history until he can steal a lump of kryptonite to wipe out the Quirks with
extreme prejudice. By now, the randy little robots are so turned on they plan to sexually dominate the galaxy!
dream is ruined when Mel manages to seduce one of the Quirks and then drop-kicks it to death. The Doctor yawns and activates
the kryptonite, blowing the Quirks into a million pieces.
However, as there is still an episode to go, the Mango Crusher
is immediately boarded by a Dominatrix cruiser and a fresh army of Quirks. The Dominatrixes, Dildo and Strap-On, enter the
yacht and begin to talk dirty. The Doctor announces that, as he is wearing a hat, he is different from the others and should
be allowed to go free. Dildo decides instead to take him onto the popular game show Wheel of Tyranny. Strap-On seems rather
attracted to Mel, proving the sheer depravity and perversity of which the Dominatrixes are capable.
Kieran sets off
the fire alarm and the sprinklers douse the aliens' libidos. Despite the fact they have a handy weapon of mass Quirk destruction
ready to use at a moment's notice, the Dullasses decide to pad out the episode by tackling each of the Quirks individually
and battering them to death with marital aides.
The Doctor is, disturbingly, finding the experience of being fused
to an operating table wearing only a hat oddly exhilarating. Mel is rather alarmed and the Doctor attempts to try and set
her up with Gladys. However, when Gladys himself turns up and frees them, the Time Lord seems to go right off him.
another chase sequence, the Doctor's party ends up in Wheel of Tyranny where the Doctor prepares to reverse the polarity of
the neutron flow. Strap-On demands the Doctor cease or he will execute every Dullass on the Mango Crusher, but these seems
only to encourage the Time Lord further.
The Dominatrixes are totally taken aback when the Quirks begin to sing "YMCA"
– a bewildering side-effect of the Doctor's sabotage. The Dominatrixes respond by destroying their own ship and everything
on it. Which is a pretty stupid move as the Doctor, Mel and Gladys weren't even on board at the time. However, they are about
to storm the bridge of the Mango Crusher when they meet the spider and promptly fall over.
The Doctor immediately gives
up on this adventure and, after a final awkward snog between Mel and Gladys, leaves in the TARDIS before Dully can wake up
and start talking at him again.
Book(s)/Other Related -
Doctor Who – Attack of the Quirks
Sounds A Bit Rude
Dullass Empire (the proposed spin-off audio series that even Nicholas Briggs thought was a bit too excessive
for Big Finish)
I don't know about you, but the wacky history-changing crap on Puxatawnee in 3012 sounds
a lot more interesting than this crap aboard the Mango Crusher... I know which story I'd prefer to see.
"Well, if I've correctly assessed your work here, you've built an ultrasound capacitor and transmitter that is entirely
compatible with the Quirk technology. Every piece has been assembled accurately and properly, with relativistic functionality.
But I generally like to use spoons. They're so much better suited to this sort of thing. Oooh! Look! Computers and flashing
lights! This MUST be it."
Links and References -
This story is a sequel to Serial TT, The Dominatrix – a
story which the Seventh Doctor seems to compulsively deny ever participating in.
Untelevised Misadventures -
Doctor hasn't been this embarrassed in an adventure since he was mutated into a cartoon dwarf – a fact Mel continually
reminds him of by calling him "Doc".
Groovy DVD Extras -
Comments by the Creator of the Quirks on Doctor Who, script
writing in general, and the status of the Middle East. Sung by Michael Palin.
Dialogue Disasters -
will submit to us! We have many ways of dominating the will of others. You will submit! You will submit to us! You will submit
to us!! YOU WILL SUCCUMB TO THE WILL OF THE QUIRKS!!
Kieran: Think of what we could learn from re-activating the fridge!
Please, if you help me, I'll see that you are richly rewarded.
Doctor: I would be richly rewarded?!
I can see to that.
Doctor: I would be held in high regard?
Kieran: Second only to my own!
Doctor: I could have my
face on television, be known as a celebrity throughout the galaxy and have ticker-tape parades in my honor?
be honest... no.
Doctor: Oh, well, who cares? I'll help you anyway.
Dominatrix Dildo: Strap-On! With me!
Scum! Idiots! Pathetic, subnormal, malformed milksops! What is this when a Dominatrix cannot apply his own lubricant?!
You're getting warmer, Dominatrix. In fact, we both are.
Not so much bad dialogue, as incredibly disturbing dialogue
Mel: My darling robot, you are the most beautiful thing that has ever been seen by these eyes of mine. I wished to declare
my undying love for you and to tell you that whatever happens, I will always see you as the dearest of creatures.
You think... I beautiful am? Would you submit to me... alone?
Dialogue Triumphs -
Doctor: So, you want to
control the galaxy? What a fantastic idea! I hope you’ve got a good plan to provide food to the Pythions of Crethea.
What about the trade dispute in the Gamma sector? And the Quothoorioon pilgrimage across the Universe to unlock the secrets
of solar construction? Fifty hundred billion microscopic spaceships passing through this system like a majestic, radiant cloud.
Will you be providing them with accommodation?
Quirk: No. We will destroy them all.
Doctor: Oh. Well, that could work
too, I suppose.
Strap-On: The next Dullass to so much as whisper will find themselves on the receiving end of an EXTREMELY
Doctor: I'm trying to think, there may still be a way out of this,
Gladys: What do you propose? A friendly Quirk jamboree knees-up?
Perhaps we could interest them in a few
drinks at the bar?
Doctor: Don't be stupid, Gladys! You know just what violent alcoholics the Quirks can be!
- The Creator of the Quirks (2003)
"Clever, intricate and
interesting. Definitely worth a visit to Puxatornee. Pity we're stuck on that space yacht with those f*cking Quirks, though!
It's just BAAAD! This story seems to be an oxymoron all of its own, disappointingly good or enjoyably bad... take your pick.
In fact, just avoid it and pretend you took your pick."
- Andrew Beeblebrox (2004)
"Sylvester McCoy gives another
lacklustre performance that has led me to the conclusion that Big Finish should, nay, must end his contract. He was always
a bit dodgy on screen, never giving an entirely satisfactory performance in any of his stories. More often it was isolated
gems that left you warming towards his clownish Doctor. But the audios really are exposing his lack of vocal talent. Plus,
not even HE deserves stories like this for the love of Led Zeppelin! What we need is an experienced audio Doctor, a new incarnation
who can face the monsters with nothing but his balding pate and a sonic toothbrush..."
- Nicholas Briggs (Oh, does it matter
"This is as close to Lego Porn as Doctor Who has gone!! Steamy bondage scenes and the odd witty quip does not
make for very interesting drama, not that I give a sh*t about drama! More midget robot sex! More witty quips! More quitty
- Nigel Verkoff (January 2005)
"When a story comes along that doesn't play by the rules or openly
breaks established factors I am rarely displeased. That's not to say I'm NEVER displeased, and the fact I hated this sh*te
with total abandon seems to be the rule that proves the exception!"
- Rupert "Rad" Woosing-Gard (2005)
"Yes, the Quirk story really was depressingly embarrassing. Can we talk about something else?"
& Facts -
Fist-Fight is unique as Big Finish productions go, as the CDs were released in such a way that the listener
could listen to them in any order – it would still be complete crap no matter which CD was listened to first.
this time, Gay Russell was producing and directing every Big Finish story in desperation to keep the evil forces of Nicholas
Briggs (or "Briggoss the Destroyer" as Russell insisted on calling him). Fandom was sickened by the increasingly poor direction,
truly disastrous casting choices and overall odor of Big Finish – and that was before anyone heard Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass.
It demonstrates the spiraling insanity of Russell he accepted the 'return of the Quirks' script that their creator
had been submitting to Doctor Who for the last 31 years rather than Briggs' latest offer - "The Secret of the Slimy Toad".
now, Russell had no time for namby-pansy, hoity-toity artistic crap like assembling plots and being entertaining. As far as
he concerned, the public could take a CD full of mistimed moments and embarrassing scenes or just face the same f*cking oblivion
of Who-void that Michael Grade had triggered in 1989!! IT WAS HIS WAY OR THE HIGH-WAY!!! DON'T LIKE IT? THEN SOD OFF AND DIE
IN A DITCH!!!!
Of course, this was in 2003, when people actually cared about Big Finish rather than filling time between