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D O C T O R W H O

 

Serial 8O - The Actual Mystery of Beer

 

Three people are walking into a school hall to sit some exams. The people in question look and sound like the Doctor, Charley, and C'rizz, but they are about to do something for the common good - deliberately failing the exam to lower to the grade point average in order to make it easier for future generations to pass their exams...

 

Part One

 

In the ladies toilet of a TV station, the Doctor sits reading "The Completely Incomplete Graham Chapmen" while Charley sits in a cubicle screaming in agony at the result of one of the Doctor's "food experiments" which was "fibre-enriched"... with sandpaper. C'Rizz enters, desperate to use the facilities as he is nervous at his birthday treat: appearing on the cable TV game show Mind-Bender, an extremely tacky production hosted by the Kro'ka. C'Rizz ducks into a toilet with a kinky Dutch porn mag to 'study', as he has been for 'some considerable time'. Indeed, it is his specialist subject.

 

The show begins and Charley and the Doctor take their place in the audience alongside two old ladies, a twitching tramp and four thousand toy penguins. C'Rizz joins the other contestants: Jackie Downtown-Tokyo III, an English teacher of Japanese migrants, and William Patrick-Jonathon-Thomas, the Fifth Earl of Warrick. C'Rizz is put out when the Kro'ka skips him completely in the opening intro and he demands to be included. However, when it becomes apparent that C'Rizz is an unemployable wretch with an obsession for hardcore Dutch erotica, things rapidly go down hill. Indeed, by the time of the third round William is in the lead with 43 points, Jackie has 33 points and C'Rizz has got minus 208 points. As the ad break begins, the Kro'ka despairs of the useless morons he's stuck with today, especially "lizard boy", who gets quite violent on this point. The Doctor and Charley move to intervene but, when reminded by C'Rizz that it's because of this cheating baracuda they will never get the Star Prize African Safari, they join in beating up the quizmaster as well.

 

With the break nearly over, a calm logical argument allows the Doctor to become the replacement for the Kro'ka. Well, that and some punches. However, "Flamingo Jones" (as the Doctor calls himself) takes offence at the criticism from the other two contestants and C'Rizz beats them unconscious. Charley becomes C'Rizz fellow contestant and her sycophantic drooling soon gets her even further ahead of C'Rizz's negative score. The Doctor decides to give C'Rizz a final chance to win the holiday: how many pints of absinthe did the Time Lord drink the previous night? C'Rizz thinks this isn't a proper question, but Charley points out only a complete ignoramus would be unable to answer the question. This is when the Doctor reveals the sheer volume of alcohol has wiped his memory of its exact number - he doesn't know what the answer is. As the Doctor doesn't know the right answer, he cannot know what the wrong answer is and so C'Rizz wins the booby prize by default. However, C'Rizz perverse joy at this is diminished when he discovers the booby prize is, in fact, a two-month period at the "Gunther Gruber Geschnellkopf Fitness & Health Kamp".

 

"Oh, ****," C'Rizz cries. "Where are all my gorgeous, ample-breasted, panting sex-crazed bitches?"

 

"Oh, they'll all be around at our place while you're getting force-fed old prunes and running 50-kilometer obstacle courses in the nude," the Doctor replies mockingly.

 

Suddenly, TV station security storm the set and the picture turns to static.

 

Part Two

 

Weeks later, the Doctor and Charley are chilling out watching Parliamentary Question Time at their bachelor apartment when there is an ominous knocking on the front door. Charley, who is high on crack and riddled with paranoia, suggests that it is the TV detector people and that the Doctor should set off the atom bomb and "take as many of the bastards with us as we can!". The Doctor replies by calmly shoving his foot through the television, rendering its vacuum tube inoperable. The Doctor heads for the front door to discover C'Rizz - wet, unshaven and furious that the first thing his old pal does upon seeing him is accuse him of smashing the TV which even now lies in pieces on the floor. C'Rizz explains he has escaped from the health camp which was four whole weeks of sheer, evil torture at the hands of hairy, sweaty, mustachioed Germans with big whips and enormous, smelly muscles...

 

"And the men were much worse!" he adds, before comparing the whole scenario to being "back at boarding school".

 

Charley points out that C'Rizz did not attend boarding school and the Doctor has his old school reports to prove it. But the Eutermisan's excuse that the "Coal Hill School" logo is a one-off-typing error quickly becomes a tirade that at least he went to a PROPER school and not a "special one" like the spastic Doctor and Charley, who were taken out of Coal Hill after they got appallingly drunk and were found making out during assembly in front of the whole school. Charley points out that this was a moment of madness, and C'Rizz reminds her that they did this every day. The Doctor defends himself, saying that he was misunderstood - mainly because he was too drunk to talk half the time.

 

C'Rizz decides that the last month of hell has transformed him into a newer, tougher lizard and decides to write to Points of View and complain about his treatment at the hands of Mindbender. He explains this will lead to him becoming a media celebrity and become a tower of attractiveness to women. He thus orders Charley to take a letter voicing his concerns to the BBC:

 

"Dear Sir or Madman, I've been to a Nazi health camp where butch, hairy women with whips force-fed me prunes and sprouts and made my arse sore from farting. Please go there and beat them up like you usually do and get me on the TV, so I can have tons of huge-breasted amazons to shag.

 

Yours and stuff, Cecil Rizz Esquire.

 

P.S.: Just send a few babes round now for me to test out, OK?"

 

 

The Doctor doesn't believe C'Rizz plan is worth the paper it's written down on, and points out an obvious flaw: their TV is smashed to bits. C'Rizz tells Charley to post the letter and the Doctor to 'acquire' a new television set. The Doctor does so, with the aid of a note to the shop owner claiming that the Doctor is in fact a lucky winner of the best TV in the shop. C'Rizz points out that this doesn't make sense, but nevertheless it works and soon they are watching the latest episode of Points of View - which totally ignores C'Rizz letter. In a rage, the Eutermisan kicks the **** out of their new TV and bemoans the cruelty of fate - before twigging that Charley never actually got round to posting the letter. Suddenly, there is a knock at the front door, and the Doctor speculates it might be the camera crew arrived to do the interview.

 

It is, in fact, five huge, hairy, mustachioed German lesbians with swastikas delicately tattooed on their foreheads - guards from the Gunther Gruber Geschnellkopf Fitness & Health Kamp who have come to collect C'Rizz for the rest of his 'vacation' and they do so in a quite unnecessarily painful and violent way. As they drag him out, the Doctor reveals that he set up C'Rizz to be sent to the health camp in the first place and lizard boy screams he will have his revenge.

 

Two years later, the Doctor is enjoying a slice of pizza on his own when the door is kicked in by a bizarre cowled figure calling itself Injiltiprahura, disciple of the all-knowing one who has come to make the infidel pay for its insults - or rather, C'Rizz is back and he's is a meaaaaan mood. The Doctor backs away in horror as C'Rizz leaps through the air at him, feet-first...

 

Part Three

 

This stunning Bruce-Lee-style attack ends when the Doctor ducks and C'Rizz smashes through a window, breaking every bone in his body. After months of painful rehabilitative surgery, C'Rizz falls in love with Ruth, his physiotherapist, until the Doctor spots her in the street and shouts that C'Rizz's herpes have just been confirmed by two separate specialists.

 

Later, at Guy Fawkes' Night, Charley tries to mediate between the pair, but only ends up with C'Rizz threatening to beat in the Doctor's skull with a chair leg. The doorbell rings and Charley goes to answer it, leaving the others to fight to the death. At the door is Kro'ka, their wacky neighbor, dressed as a ghost - or, rather, is utterly drunk and wearing a sheet, believing it to be Halloween. The duo return to the living room to find the Doctor watching TV and C'Rizz lying in a pool of his own blood. The Doctor explains C'Rizz attempted to "attack a table leg with his face and lost".

 

The concussed companion C'Rizz regains consciousness under the misapprehension he is in hell - but quickly learns the truth: the Doctor, Charley and the Kro'ka have been invited to an exclusive fancy dress party without him. In order to shut him up, they agree, and C'Rizz decides to cancel a non-existent prior engagement to go with them.

 

However, the only real "do" is happening at the local park - which C'Rizz was banned from after he poured petrol into the pond and threw in a lit match. C'Rizz protests that no sensible person would call such a jesting, schoolboyish prank as setting fire to ducks a banning offence, however the judge did, mainly due to expert testimony from the Doctor. Since their daggy friend is stuck at home, the others prepare to leave. C'Rizz suggests that he pretend to be a Guy Fawkes and get wheeled around in a stolen shopping trolley collecting charity money. The others agree to go along with this plan - but it appears this just a ploy to put C'Rizz in said shopping trolley and throw it down the stairs.

 

The next day, the police spot the suspicious sight of a Eutermisan inserted half way through a wall and investigate. The Doctor and Charley blame the Kro'ka for this misdemeanor, and escape while the coppers beat the living **** out of him. At the hospital, C'Rizz's concussion is not being helped by the nurses, who react to his continual demands for bedbaths by twatting him in the head with kidney dishes. C'Rizz continues in the hope that at least ONE of the nurses will have seen The Singing Detective. His reaction to his flatmates isn't enthusiastic.

 

"You've have a nasty knock on the head, C'Rizz. And I'm not talking about the self-inflicted ones. Don't worry, I'm not offended. It's hardly surprising that you're not remembering things straight, is it?"

 

"I remember EVERYTHING," C'Rizz replies coldly.

 

"Go on then," Charley prompts

 

"You don't believe me, eh? Well, you, the Doctor and that other little idiot were off to a fancy dress ball on Guy Fawkes Night and you didn't want me to come along. So, instead of saying, "C'Rizz, we'd like to go on our own since you are so obviously our superior and lave lots of other parties to go to," you attempt to kill me! Charming attitude you've got there, Charlotte, I must say. Charming!"

 

"Oh, come on, C'Rizz - forgive and forget. It was ages ago."

 

"It was yesterday!"

 

"No, it wasn't."

 

"It wasn't?"

 

"It's nearly two years since you went into a coma," lied the Doctor ponderously.

 

"Oh," said C'Rizz quietly, voice turning to ice. "Oh Christ. I’ve missed so much... That Teletubby marathon. That cartoon series of Buffy. ****! I never got to vote Howard out of office! I bet Hilary Duff is probably married by now, the slut! Doctor, did I get anything from her in the mail? No? Typical. How hard can it be for that atonal noise polluter to pop a pair of used underwear into a self-addressed envelope, huh? Huh?"

 

Shocked beyond measure, the dazed C'Rizz quickly comes to the conclusion that the nurses have been gang-raping him during his coma. As Charley says, that's either very good karma or very bad, but she's not sure which. Meanwhile, the surgeons find C'Rizz's clipboard which the Doctor has altered so their companion is given a wide course of anti-insanity drugs, fifteen enemas and a blood transfusion. The Doctor is boasting his own cleverness when he trips and ends up face-first in a bucket of C'Rizz's bubbling bodily fluids...

 

Part Four

 

Tempers are getting frayed in the apartment. Amidst the traded insults, the Doctor announces he is inviting his long time friend and mentor, "Meathook" Kro'ka around, explaining he is a prison worker who has left the place after ten years. C'Rizz confides in Charley his suspicions that "Meathook" is, in fact, a hired assassin to kill him and Charley cannot fault his logic. C'Rizz decides to get his own back and orders a passing school kid to contact Uulungid Caloovin, the Mad Pirate King, and sent his main goon, Napalm Nick McShane The Hydrogen Bomb Chainsaw Maniac of Olde London Town, to beat up the Doctor with his extra-large cattle stunner. Charley comments that such stealth and subtlety is what makes her companion so endearing.

 

C'Rizz then collects a shotgun and tries to kill "Meathook" but inexplicably blows up the TV instead. Taking a dim view on televisionocide and murder attempts in general, "Meathook" is about to break the Eutermisan's neck when he loses control of his bodily functions, which puts a real dampener on the proceedins. C'Rizz tries to talk his way out of it, but makes a fatal mistake - he believed that "Meathook" was a warden - he was actually a prisoner! Sickened, "Meathook" throws C'Rizz onto the railway line and heads off home.

 

Later, the Doctor and Charley drag C'Rizz's mutilated body back to the apartment, where the Time Lord reproached C'Rizz for assuming he'd hire an assassin. Like he'd want someone ELSE to have the fun for killing C'Rizz!

 

Charley goes to answer the door, and gets smashed into the floor by Nick McShane's cattle stunner.

 

Book(s)/Other Related –

Doctor Who And Friends Go A Bit Loopy

A is for Assassins, B is for Bastards, C is for C'Rizz

Mind-Bender Finalists: The Weirdo years

 

 

Fluffs - Paul McGann seemed slightly Hawaiian in this story. (Personally I would have thought ‘Paul McGann seemed slightly homicidal in this story’ might have been more appropriate, but what do I know – Sheep)

 

"One's name is now Injilti... Injiltaprje... Jiltpra... Look, I'm here to convert heathens and chew bubble gum and I just ran out of bubble gum!!"

 

Goofs –

Forgive me but am I the only one who noticed this ISN'T ****ING DOCTOR WHO?!?? ...well, obviously, I am.

 

So, pointing a gun barrel into someone's face and pulling the trigger is perfectly safe as long as the telescopic sights are mis-aligned??

 

The final episode is set on a Saturday, so why was that girl going to school? Her "If I don't get there before the end of lunch today, the deputy said he'd make me squeal like a pig during assembly!" explanation is either a lie... or, worse... the truth!

 

How come the Doctor, Charley and C'Rizz are able to watch proper Doctor Who on their TV but we aren't? Charley claims that watching Doctor Who is much more interesting than her current life!

 

It is unlikely but not impossible that both C'Rizz and Charley have been banned from the same park on the same offence by the same 'retarded park keeper'.

 

Fashion Victims –

C'Rizz's neon pink I AM WHAT WOMEN WANT T-shirt.

 

Technobabble –

"There's always fish inside a TV, C'Rizz. Fixing the damage from the bullets was easy, but it scared that guppy into the horizontal hold and it got stuck there."

 

Links and References –

Each episode begins with the characters watching episodes of Doctor Who, before being interrupted by plot details: Nowhere-Land Part 4, Vogon Cutaway Scene 24, The Creed of the Moron Part 1 and Schizo Part 1.

 

Untelevised Misadventures -

C'Rizz mentions that the one thing their time with the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers was always to wear gloves when dealing with gigantic mutated pot plants. Charley points out this is not exactly a useful skill in their current predicament, but C'Rizz keeps bringing it up.

 

Groovy DVD Extras -

A choose-your-view selection on the scene where C'Rizz is forcefully given an enema.

 

Dialogue Disasters -

 

Kro'ka: Pornography is such an unpredictable process.

 

Charley: What are you, a man or a munchkin? I mean what would a real man do in this situation? What would James Bond do?

C'Rizz: How should I know? Order a Vodka Martini and shag the nearest good-looking chick. I mean, that idea has its appeal, but we don't have any of those around. Too bad.

 

Doctor: My job is to act on what is currently canonical.

 

Charley: How do you feel after your enema?

C'Rizz: Feckin... awful... How'd'ja think... I'd... feel?

Charley: It doesn't count, you know.

C'Rizz: What doesn't?

Charley: You're still a virgin.

 

C'Rizz: Right, shush, you too and listen! All I need to do is write to the BBC and tell them about my nightmare experience with evil Kraut Kamp and – bang!

Doctor: [confused] He shoots you?

C'Rizz: No, "Bang! I'm a media celebrity". And you know what the means, don't you? No, of course you don't. God, I expect too much from you two, don't I? Can you at least nod your head so that it appears, to an alien being watching us, that you actually sentient?

(The Doctor and Charley start nodding their heads.)

C'Rizz: Good. Right. Where was I? You can stop nodding you heads, guys. Guys? For god's sake, guys, I...!

(C'Rizz goes ape)

 

 

Dialogue Triumphs -

 

"And now, on BBC1, a new series: Fergie And Di - Undercover Call-Girl Duchesses. The BBC would wish to warn viewers of an erotic nature, to relax and enjoy the graphic scenes of violence, torture and Satanism."

 

Kro'ka on C'Rizz:

"Someone has let the wanker out of his cage."

 

C'Rizz: A citizen does not use questions. A citizen does not enjoy freedom. Only the deviant use questions. Only the perverse crave freedom...

Charley: Hey, are you implying something, lizard boy?

C'Rizz: YOU have enjoyed freedom.

Charley: Once. But I didn't inhale!

 

Doctor: Hmm. So, let me get this straight. We've MISSED Halloween?

Charley: No, we didn't. We dropped around your place and got wasted, remember? C'Rizz got randy and tied himself up in leather restraints, so the Doctor decided to try to chop his head off under the pretence it was a bondage game, remember?

Doctor: Oh, yes, I remember that.

Kro'ka: I don't. I don't remember ANY of that!

Doctor: Kro'ka, you don't even remember your wife's name!

Kro'ka: I'm married?!!?

 

C'Rizz: Right, my plan, yes, the plan of the century... Now, what I'll do is write to good old Auntie Beeb, tell her what horrid things happened to me and I'll become a TV star, appear on tons of talk shows and stuff. I mean, look at that David Hicks guy - what did he do to get on TV? Hung around terrorists until he got arrested. Pah! A rank amateur!

Charley: Yeah. And he had a beard.

C'Rizz: That's right! He had a big beard! Never trust ANYBODY with a beard, that's that I say... Oh! And when I've become a star and written my best-selling autobiography, there'll be million of girls wanting to shag me to death, won't there?!?

Doctor: I think that's just a wee bit too hopeful, C'Rizz.

C'Rizz: All right, then. I'll scrap the book.

 

C'Rizz: You... scum. You... set me up... ya arsehole... According to the surgeon... they hadn't put me down for any enemas... There's only... one bastard here... who coulda done that...

Doctor: Well, it was just a joke!

C'Rizz: You're a real... party animal, aren't you? Give... all your friends... enemas and have... a good giggle... makes you Mister... ****ing Popularity... I'll be bound...

 

 

UnQuotable Quote -

 

Doctor: What shall I do now? I know - drive myself into another dimension by causing an aneurysm in my brain! Coooooool!

 

 

Viewer Quotes -

 

"A somewhat unique story, quite absorbing, very well-crafted, and written with skill and panache. But if I want one of those, I'll watch The West Wing or The Exorcist. I watch Doctor Who for one reason and one reason alone: seeing Charley's tits. So how come we were not allowed to zoom in on the shower? This is just screwed up! Who gives a **** about this altered dimension crap - four weeks without seeing Charley's nipples! How can the production team sleep at night?"

- Nigel Verkoff, fckmecharleyplse@imprimus.com.au (2004)

 

"The mindless proles are continually doped into submission by constant reruns of the Doctor's adventures, killing all originality, humor and thought. If there's a subtext to this, I'm buggered if I can find it."

- Jeff Mud (2003)

 

"Its nature means that it never plays the same on a second viewing, because we KNOW absolutely everything that's going to happen. Why do people watch things again? Are their memories crap or something? I mean, you must have seen all those Doctor Who videos? Why keep them? You know what happens? Give them to me and I'll put them to a good purpose!"

- the lying, no-good son of a bitch pretending to be a mormon in order to steal my Doctor Who collection and sell it at a profit (2003) I'll get you one day! You can't escape! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU IF IT'S THE LAST THING I'LL DO!!!!

 

"If scratching your head for two hours is your idea of a good time, The Natural History of Beer is the thing for you. But it's hugely derivative of previous (and superior) situation comedies." - Adrian Edmonsen (2005)

 

"The story made no sense, was pointless as a whole and had no place in Doctor Who canon. The acting was appalling, the special effects made my pine for the wonders of The Pleas of Fairness and direction implied that the editors were dead from heroine overdoses. The best Eighth Doctor audio adventure by some way thus far, all the same." - The Eye of Horus (2007)

 

Psychotic Nostalgia -

"'It is a criminal offence to copy or attempt to copy any personality or memory-related article shown or displayed in this public theatre, including this warning. Punishment or conviction is an unlimited reduction of authorized overtime hours and total personality revision. You are not permitted to bring any jukebox or recording equipment into this public theatre. This will be treated as an attempt to breach copyright. Any person doing so can be ejected and the Editor may confiscate such articles.' Yeah, my uncle used to tell me that story every night during bath time until he got arrested by the Local Conscience."

 

Paul McGann Speaks!

"The Actual Mystery of Beer was the best script I've read. Not a Doctor Who script, but just as a script. Apart from having to reply to "Doctor", I was free once again. I got to play a goggle-eyed alcoholic tongue-twister who commits GBH on Conrad Westmaas' character at the slightest inclination. No 57 Chevy of Rassilon, not Dustbins, no REG. Just me, India and some flesh wounds to inflict. I remember that wonderful time where I beat him over the head with a child's spinning top. We had to retake that scene seventeen times. I put my all in each time. That whole bit where C'Rizz shaves his head and starts talking gibberish wasn't scripted, it was all down to concussion. I think India and myself adapted brilliantly. No, there was only one problem I had with this story, and that was the fact that it ended with episode four. Tragic."

 

India Fisher Speaks!

"I had a great laugh imagining all the sad Who fans and their heads imploding trying to work out the plot to this one. I had the script and stage directions, and I had no idea. It was just a continual excuse to beat the **** out of Conrad. Of course, if we'd done the OTHER stories before this one, Paul and I would have made the most out of these scenes. The bastard would never have walked again if we got a chance to remount that bit in episode four. I really was impressed when I managed to trick Conrad into drinking a pint of salt water. He thought it was for some trailer wild track, but it was just me making it up. Yech. Then I made him clean ALL of it up. So there."

 

Conrad Westmaas Speaks!

"We didn't record this season in order - if, indeed, there IS an order - so this was the first one I recorded as the new companion. Uh... I can't really say much more than that, um, as C'Rizz doesn't technically exist in The Actual Mystery of Beer. I was actually playing a 18-year-old virgin with bad breath in this story, which was lucky because that sort of role really plays to my strengths. Paul McGann has taught me loads. Especially telling me to shut up while he and India make out in the green room. Neither me nor my earlobe is going to forget that lesson in a hurry."

 

Trivia -

Colin Baker frozen in carbonite can clearly be seen propping up a poster of Judge Dredd

 

 

Rumors & Facts -

I was completely baffled by this story when I first saw it. I didn't understand the thing and was fairly certain I was watching a light-entertainment sitcom set in a students' flat. Indeed, it was only the continual violence meeted out to C'Rizz that in any way connected the show to Doctor Who I know and annotate. So, I watched it again. And although the plot moved quicker and smoother this time round, I still had no idea what the hell it was FOR. So, I checked it out for a third time, it was even more rewarding, and I marveled at the structure and the production, producing a level of comment unheard of between fans, as I admire the way it made me think. On a fourth viewing, I decided it was completely baffling crap and switched over to Buffy.

 

The Actual Mystery of Beer was borne out of a conversation between producer Gay Russell and grease monkey Jim Mortimore, when the latter asked what kind of stories Big Finish were after for the first Eighth Doctor/new universe season and then showed Russell his notes for a Samuel Beckett-inspired play of two stoned wasters contemplating the absurdity of existence and then robbing the local branch of KFC. After a couple of weeks of long, hard discussion and rigorous debate, the story was commissioned as the final story of Season 30. Since it was unlikely that ANYONE would be paying attention by that end, Mortimore could include whatever he damn well pleased. It wasn't like anyone was going to be interested enough to complain.

 

Most of the inspiration for The Actual Mystery of Beer came from Mortimore's life of acid, speed, electro-stimulation and really, really, really, really sordid sex. Real life does nothing for him, apparently. In fact, his script was commissioned in 2000 but it took three years to write 90 minutes of material because he was far too interested in India Fisher's boasts she could have two sorts of orgasm simultaneously and promptly tried to beat her record. He was thus rendered barely able to speak or even think for days at a time, but did provide Big Finish with a worryingly-realistic Bonnie Langford impression from India Fisher, which replaced the theme music at the conclusion of part one.

 

Thus, with only a cut and paste of "Alex Sorne" with "Doctor Who" and "Josephine March" with "Charley Pollard", the script was recorded quite rapidly. Indeed, in editing it was remembered that a third regular character had been included. After scanning the actions of Norman Yanker, an arrogant, self-obsessed, un-charismatic retard, it was decided to dub the name "C'Rizz" over the top of the finished product. Surprisingly, this story contributes a hell of a lot to the character of C'Rizz - and provides more characterization here than any other story in which he appears, and especially those in which he does not.

 

Ultimately, one has to wonder, just what the hell was going on in this story. Why have the Doctor, Charley and C'Rizz taken up residence in a studio flat? How come the Kro'ka assumes the role of three different characters but all are addressed as "Kro'ka" and look identical? What happened to the whole Double the Fist plotline? The only clue is involved in a sequence in episode three which excised under the editorship of Greg the cleaner. I have decided to type out whatever wild, spurious crap comes to mind and, what do you know - it makes total sense of the story and also gives a vague justification for the title:

 

 

Excerpt from "Doctor Who Gets Abso-****ing-Lutely Sloshed" Episode 3:

 

(Setting: a corner pub, the Slug & Sandwich late on a Friday afternoon. There aren't many people around, so we soon find C'Rizz and the Doctor sitting at a small round table drinking beer. Soft jazz plays in the background. They are in varying stages of inebriation, continuing a conversation already in progress.)

 

Doctor: I got a theory, though. You wanna hear it?

 

C'Rizz: (Laughs drunkenly) Yo...

 

Doctor: (Laughs) This is an experiment. Somebody's messin' with my mind. Tryin' to see which way I'll move next.

 

C'Rizz: Sort of like a... 'rat in a maze' kind of thing, huh?

 

Doctor: That's right. I am some alien's personal science project.

 

C'Rizz: I so know how you feel. You know; life's a bitch and so was that dominatrix with the man boobs! Let's get another drink.

 

Doctor: I got a plan, though... cause they're testin' for reactions to the freak show?

 

C'Rizz: Uh huh.

 

Doctor: I'm not gonna react! (Triumphantly) Let em deal with that!

 

C'Rizz: YEAH!

 

Doctor: Yeah!

 

(Charley looms over them, as menacing as its possible to be.)

 

Charley: (Coldly) C'Rizz... Have you been using my computer?

 

C'Rizz: That's a very... interesting... philosophical question.

 

Charley: (Angry) Answer the damn question, C'Rizz! Have you or have you not been logging onto 'Insecurities.Com' as ME and running up over three thousand messages under MY NAME?!

 

 

(C'Rizz peers at her, and then mouths the question. He moves his head from side to side as though trying to remember.)

 

C'Rizz: Maybe. What's your name, anyway?

 

Charley: What? You've forgotten?

 

C'Rizz: No. Must check, though. May have put someone else's name in there. So, uh, why do you want to know?

 

Charley: Because you are using my stuff without permission.

 

C'Rizz: Uh... What's the question again?

 

(He finally slides off his stool and falls to the ground. The Doctor laughs at him before falling off his stool as well. Charley picks the Doctor up and the latter stares at her.)

 

Doctor: Hey, you don't fit the pattern! You got not Halloween costume - got no assumed name - you're not playing a role... You're the sick bastard behind all this!

 

Charley: (Confused) What?

 

Doctor: Well, fine! Either let me out or watch me go mad!

 

C'Rizz: Dude, we've been doing that for years.

 

Doctor: (Paranoid) You're not real! Either that or you're part of the plot! For the love of Led Zeppelin!

 

(He swings and tries to punch Charley. He misses and falls onto the ground, groaning. C'Rizz manages to rise enough to fall down and use the Doctor as a couch. He peers up at Charley.)

 

C'Rizz: Uh, why were you looking up Insecurities.com anyway?

 

(Charley is about to answer when she suddenly looks embarrassed and runs out, wailing like a baby. C'Rizz giggles and passes out.)