DIY Sheep versus Doctor Who and everybody else

Sherzo
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Serial 8R - Schizo

Sixteenth Entry in the EC Unauthorized Program Guide O' Two Handers

And much thanks to Colin Campbell.

 

D O C T O R W H O

 

Serial 8R - Schizo -

 

Part One - Rejoicing. Not.

 

The TARDIS has entered a new universe, a plane undreamed of by mortal perceptions. And the Doctor's passed out in his own vomit after the 23rd tequila slammer. Charley frantically tries to wake up him up as various alarms go off and a strange blackness begins to corrode the edges of the control room set. The Doctor recovers, having no real idea where or even who he is. Charley frantically explains that the Doctor is a Time Lord and part time sci-fi TV star as a professor of quantumn mechanics and time-warp mutations. The Doctor replies he has no idea what the blazes Charley's on about, but it sounds like a bunch of New Age crap. Charley thus simplifies her explanation to the Doctor being a swollen-headed, conceited arsehole. The Doctor asks Charley (or "you heap of ferret droppings" as he refers to her) what her name is and Charley is forced to explain the plot of the last two seasons, and the Doctor remarks that his life sounds like the waiting room of rehab-admittance.

 

Charley fears that the TARDIS cannot survive travelling through the mighty forces of spiritual energy that fill the new universe, and gets told by the Doctor to shut up or she too will become floating spiritual energy. Already, the huge maze of corridors outside the control room is dissolving into nothingness, so the Doctor decides to jettison the diseased architecture and jump-start the TARDIS at the same time in a complicated maneuver he refers to as "Ctrl+Alt+Del". Running out of time to save their miserable skins, the Doctor finds the huge TARDIS manual propping up a nude sculpture of Felicity Kendal and quickly begins to read it.

 

"Let's see... 'Congratulations on your purchase of the Type 40 commercial time travel capsule. If problems should occur with the lateral balance cones or you should have any complaints with temporal pressurization in general, please contact our home office in Southern Gallifrey, coordinates 04-41-76 by 09 from Galactic 0 Centre..."

 

"Skip a bit! Skip a bit! Time's running out! Get to the important part!"

 

After flipping through the pages, the Doctor discovers that all you have to do to gain control of the main drive is access panel 8S-44 and reverse the polarity of the neutron flow. The Doctor checks the specifications and lures Charley to "8S-44" which looks suspiciously like the door control, telling Charley to activate it while he finds some where safe to hide. Charley, while delighted at all the rather high-tech, super-cool stuff, is suspicious at the fact the control board she is using consists of a little light-up button marked 'OPEN/CLOSE'. The Doctor hastily explains that 'OPEN' refers to the activation of the drive system.

 

"Ah, yes," Charley replies, activating the scanner. "And such a scenic locale for such a handy little device. Right next to the scanner control. What a lovely day it is! Oh look, there's Wales and Cardiff and Beckett Street. Oh, and there's Mrs. Merrick walking her Pekinese. Hello, Mrs. Merrick! Yes, I was just saying, it is a lovely day! How is little Ciscero? Oh, getting his little ding-dong done up so as not to upset the other little lovelies in the neighbourhood in case he strays off, is he? Good! And how's your Pekinese? What you mean, "That's rather personal!"? Christ, someone would think you were hiding something, wouldn't they? Good, just bugger off then, ya fossil! And take your 'Magic-Mop' with you! That's right, we've known for quite some time that it's not a real dog!"

 

The frustrated Doctor urges her to press the red button, but Charley cannot believe the nerve of a respectable old woman whom she admires and tried to engage in polite conversation. She then calls Mrs. Merrick 'an old bitch' and asking the Time Lord if it's illegal to contract a hitman out to a non-functional member of society these days. "WHAT? Charley, we are in another universe! How is it that you can see Wales, let alone a 78 year old woman walking a dog and suddenly have a polite conversation with her at 100,000 000 feet from about 1800 billion parsecs away??!!?"

 

Lost for words, Charley looks at the scanner in desperation. "Oh, darn! Clouds just went over."

 

"DAMN IT, YOU BLOODY IMBECILE! Can't we get ANYTHING done around here without having to hear a commemorative collection, 17 volume set of your mindless drivel!" shouts the Doctor, pressing the button himself. "There! Now get out of–-"

 

The doors open and both the Doctor and Charley are sucked out of the TARDIS and the Doctor's plan for Charley to unintentionally commit suicide goes awry as they plunge into the darkness of this strange dimension. As the final shreds of the TARDIS dissolve, the Doctor lands roughly in utter blackness. He concludes from this that he has died and is doomed forever to remain in his private little Hell. However, has he has ensured he carried an unlimited supply of jelly babies about his person and so is unconcerned - until he realizes he's eaten all the orange ones. The Doctor screams "Damn it all! ****!" and breaks down in sobs. Suddenly, he hears Charley's voice and this seems to confirm his eternal damnation.

 

As they finally reach each other, the Doctor complains that not even he deserves this. Charley points out that being stuck with each other in a pitch dark maze doesn't seem very realistic as hells go, and so they conclude that they are, in fact, still alive. The Doctor tells Charley to stay where she is while he runs off in one direction so they don't get lost. Charley, however, quickly finds the Doctor, who tries to look of the bright side about their entombment on a lifeless planet in the middle of another universe. Sadly, this is far more difficult than it appears and she idly wishes that they'd gone to a Guy Fawkes celebration at Ravenscourt Park. Charley likes the idea of watching a municipal fireworks display, sitting by the open fire, toasting marshmallows, singing campfire songs, but the Doctor cuts through her ramblings, and coldly reminds her that she was banned from Ravenscourt Park by its keeper. Charley believes that the park keeper was simply being vindictive - she didn't do anything wrong apart from set fire to the swans and she hardly calls that small prank a banning offence. The judge, however, did - thanks to some impressive testimony from a certain Time Lord as chief witness. With this particular conversation run its course, the two of them walk off into the endless night, when the Doctor trips over something.

 

Part Two - The Mutha

 

It was a wheelbarrow.

 

The Doctor and Charley walk in silence for some time, and the Doctor suddenly begins to croon the haunting love melody, "The Super-Slippery Fudge Fit". At least until Charley smacks him in the mouth and demands to know how long they've been silent, and is amused when the Doctor says it's been half an hour. Charley explains that they have been walking for six months, totally ignoring her companion's protests that he's been counting his heartbeats and it's definitely just thirty two minutes. It is at this point they find a hideously mutilated corpse that has scrawled out in its own blood the word "Witnail".

 

It quickly becomes apparent that they are not alone on the mysterious planet - clearly it is shared by the as-yet-unseen alien mutation with a critical atomic mass. Charley wonders how big such a mutation could be - one or two perhaps even THREE apples high? The Doctor deduces from the footprints and bloodstains that it is at least seventy feet. "Three apples high with seventy feet!" exclaims Charley, "Must be a quick little bugger!" Charley decides they must do their duty in the new universe and control the situation, despite the threat of the creature's machete-like claws. The Doctor reminds Charley they have no weapons of any kind. However it is all academic as the creature is almost certainly stalking them and is trying to understand their final bantering with a glimpse of them depositing a much browner representation of that morning's kippers into the lower half of their clothes.

 

Suddenly, the maze ends, revealing a ruined city, with broken sky scrapers and wrecked streets. A billboard advertisement for a toothpaste called Target with a large bullseye has been used as a makeshift dartboard with the needle-tipped fighter-planes acting as darts. Whatever has torn apart this city is clearly looking for a vast amount of alcohol - as evidence by the demolition of the Tizermakuru Monitika asa Komitakon building, presumably under the mistaken belief there was Tizer hidden somewhere within.

 

Suddenly, the monster makes itself apparent:

 

Doctor: Ghastly!

Charley: Amazing!

Doctor: Horrible!

Charley: Stupendous!

Doctor: Disgusting!

Charley: Beautiful!

Doctor: WHAT?!?

 

It's Richard E. Grant... 

 

Part Three - Breaking The Fruit-Loop

 

The Doctor would, all in all, rather keep looking in the hope there might be some other creature responsible for the destruction, an adjacent, prehistoric reptile or insect, for example. Charley does not share his artistic frustration, and can't see anything wrong with facing off with their evil bastard lovechild. The Time Lord however, doesn't want to be associated with REG. "Look at him! He's a disgrace! It's not really a potential, shining moment in the history of this universe to be affiliated with, now, is it?"

 

"Well, he IS destroying the planet in quite a hurry, isn't he?"

 

"Yes, but... mmmmmm He's not QUITE the mythological standard you might expect from a pan-dimensional mutant freak (personally, I don't think he's going to work out)."

 

At this point, the Doctor and Charley simply sit back, legs crossed in a contemplative position, chewing their fingernails like some theatre producers or directors. Charley quickly deduces that the Doctor would prefer something with a little more 'zing' for his dollar.

 

"I don't think that Kroll's due back in this universe until February. And Garm's in Betelguise for three months doing a rampage for a Throxillian community production."

 

"That's a step down, isn't it?"

 

"Apparently he's getting back to some proverbial roots. A bit of soul searching, so to speak."

 

"Well, good for him, unfortunate for our causes, though. Wasn't Lew Grade planning a series of appearance in the Western Galaxy in a double-billing with Paddington Bear?"

 

"Yes, Bear hasn't actually been in the spotlight for quite some time now. Not since those falling-outs with the American Galactic Technocratic Federation Of Pure Evil And Greed. I think Grade is repaying an old favor for him, in that he's offering a mention on the Marquee. I think he's only playing three solar systems with him in Cassiopea. Bit of a heart condition now, these days, last legs for him, sadly, yes."

 

"Dustbins?"

 

"Taking some time off now - retreated back to the peanut of Spiridon for an aeon, but I suspect they'll be back for the last run of Eccleston's new season. Troopers they are, always career first. Well, those were all our options. Think we can work with what we've got?"

 

"I think he has some great potential - not quite a show-stopping giant gillamation, but maybe, with some time... What do you think we should call him? Vagranteon?"

 

"Bolloxian Maximus?"

 

"Flatulenzong?"

 

"Titanus Titmonger?"

 

"Bukesilvannia?"

 

"****faced Megalomaniac-Man?"

 

The two finally decide on "Vomitron" when drinking a lake's worth of lighter fluid has the curious effect on R.E.G., er, "Vomitron". However, by the time they've settled on a moniker for their foul offspring, it has wiped out the last survivors of the indigenous life-form and is now cruising for chicks amongst the ruins. Depressed, Charley considers simply dropping their uncertain moral ground and just joining the monsters once and for all. She wants to just sod it all and join the universal council for death and destruction and all the cash, booze and sex-crazed interns that comes with it. The Doctor agrees, but reminds her that they are stuck in a completely different universe with sod all to help them against the encroaching "Vomitron."

 

"I mean," the Doctor continues. "Is it... us? Are we... y'know... EVIL?!!"

 

"I don't follow you, Doctor."

 

"I mean cuh-mon, Charley! We're always ill-intentioned about our plans. And they never-EVER seem to come out right, do they? Maybe we were never intended to be 'sneaky bastards'! I bet if, just for once, if we went into a situation on our best behavior, worked hard at it, and no funny business... we could probably come out ahead! Mind you, it might take a few tries!"

 

"You think so?"

 

"Yes! Slow and steady win the race and all that ****."

 

"And when do you feel this golden opportunity might arrive? Before or after they sift our remains out of the gigantic mutant turd?"

 

The Doctor realizes that they are still doomed and demands to know why Charley is still in such high-spirits. She thinks of it this way: if the people of this dimension live fuller, richer lives on account of their sacrifice, they will have done their part for the cosmos. However, when pressed, Charley admits that all she can really think is "****! BLOODY HELL, NO! I WANT OFF! HELP! HELP! JEEPERS H. CHRIST ALMIGHTY!!! HELLLLLLLLLLP!" but her first statement still stands and she plans to somehow, someway defeat "Vomitron" the way it deserves.

 

They head for the giant "Vomitron" where the Doctor insists that if Charley can guess his lucky number, that means fate wants them to run for their lives and hide. However, she doesn't guess 9A-76.7872343687625 right away, suggesting that they are well and truly doomed...

 

Part Four - Pollution

 

The Doctor and Charley find a battered old shuttle in working condition and the Doctor suggests they use it in their battle against "Vomitron" but is dismayed to discover there are no weapons aboard the shuttle, not even laser-gun-sights or machine gun turrets! This is because the ship was not a futuristic, death-star space rocket but instead the seniors' transit from a retirement home to Akizum and back three days a week. A fully-armed, flying death-machine is totally unnecessary for taking old people out for their physical therapy to clinics - indeed, the most advanced technology aboard the craft is an inoperable, in-flight pay-phone (with several components missing due to improper installation) and about two dozen empty electric bib dispensers. Foolishly, the Doctor points out a lever that starts the engines and with a shout of "Banzai" Charley sets the shuttle hurtling up into orbit.

 

The shuttle levels off at 10 thousand feet and the Doctor berates Charley for lack of traditional space cadet etiquette called a "countdown". Depressed, the Doctor wishes he could have been accompanied by a handsomer, beefier, more canonical companions. However, each one has its faults. Steven Taylor boasted a silicon chin and his biceps were mail-ordered - the Doctor found the plain brown wrapper in the bin next to some of Mike Yates' sheared nylons. Yates wears them because he has a foot fetish and he likes to look at himself without having to take his stockings off. Polly raided the wine cellar late at night when the TARDIS Crew were asleep, and the Doctor found her passed out at four in the morning on the basement floor, having gone through two crates of cooking sherry and a half a bottle of almond extract. Turlough fancied Nyssa, and when the Doctor spied on them during their secret stay at a country-inn in Martinque, he was taken aback when Hex turned up. And he doesn't even want to think about what Adric and K9 got up to.

 

The Doctor however, quickly becomes annoyed when he realizes that Charley's "steering" of the shuttle is a ridiculous charade - they're travelling on a pre-programmed trajectory course which is impossible to change. Even the steering mechanism isn't attached to the controls! Charley was trying to capture a sort of Roger Moore "Moonraker" feel about the situation. With no time left to change for the better or abandon ship, the Doctor and Charley hurtle towards REG, who shouts indistinguishable obscenities at the tiny buzzing ship. As the Doctor and his offspring exchange furious drunken discourse, Charley notices that their combined activities have already ruined an expensive hotel. She decides to lead him out of the city and away from all the innocent people, through the business district, down the freeway access, through the high class, middle-class and lower-class suburbs, past a Gothic Revival church and out via a district comprised entirely of orphanages, pre-schools and petting zoos. However, the drunken "Vomitron" knocks down four sky-scrapers; crushes several moving cars as he moves about on the freeway complex and destroys part of that too; tramples several expensive homes, crushes non-expensive houses and recreates a stock-clip scene from Shogun; crushes a lavish cathedral; then, in a drunken stupor, collapses on the final district and destroys everything.

 

The Doctor takes a look at the trail of rubble, flame, smoke and debris leading back into the heart of the city, a path of lengthy destruction caused entirely by Charley and REG. He then decides to write a legendary ballad about himself, a harrowing spiritual melody snappily entitled "And That Doctor He Did Save Them All From The Dreaded Monster's Tyranny". Charley, meanwhile, has come up with a cunning plan: they will set the automatic controls to collide the shuttle with REG's head while she and the Doctor escape via the ejector seats. There is, however, a small problem.

 

While the eject rockets on the chairs work perfectly, the ceiling doesn't open up - so the Doctor and Charley are banged against the hard metal roof continually, like human pogo sticks, until they are flung into the controls, changing the course and jamming the shuttle into the ear of their huge, radioactive son. A dazed REG rips it out and shakes it, cracking a fuel line and inexplicably flooding the cockpit with Guinness rather than your run-of-the-mill rocket fuel. The Doctor and Charley escape from the open parachutes as REG pops the cockpit and pours the contents down his throat. Our heroes are swept out of the ship with the rest of the liquor and falls into REG's giant mouth...

 

After a caption reading "SCENE MISSING", the Doctor, Charley and their normal-sized child are returning to REG's TARDIS, commenting on how lucky it was that the precise mixture of hops and alcohol undid REG's atomic mutation at the hands of his robotic Bastard butler, and managed to save all three of them in an unbelievingly contrived fashion. The Doctor and Charley are heading off, but REG wants them to have a last drink with a bottle stolen from the Bastard's supplies. However, the 53 Margaux proves not enough to detain the time travelers, who are determined to avoid this gooseberry as soon as possible. The duo duck into the TARDIS, heading for a new world to see if something remotely interesting might happen there.

 

REG watches it vanish, swigs down the whole bottle in one go, slurs a bit of Shakespeare, then falls flat on his arse and is copiously and violently sick.

 

Book(s)/Other Related –

Doctor Who Waits For Godot

The Shearman Master Plan: Phase 2

Charley Pollard And The Sound of Two Hands Clapping (Canada Only)

 

Fluffs - Paul McGann seemed a multiple personality disorder in this story.

 

When the Doctor tries to save the TARDIS by reversing the neutron flow's polarity, Charley suggests he "increase the vealtiaj". The Doctor giggles insanely and uses the pronunciation countless times afterwards while Charley swears under her breath

 

Goofs –

Despite all reason, this was scripted, paid for and everyone seemed to think it would go down well.

 

Although it's made quite clear they have no control over the stolen shuttlecraft, Charley is able to reprogram its automatic pilot without breaking sweat. Lucky slut.

 

Fashion Victims –

The Doctor's faithful velvet coat suffers disgusting damage in this story

 

Technobabble -

Doctor: I shall incwease the vealtiaj to myaxmimyum - SYIX HYUNDRED YAND HIFTY!!!

 

 

Links and References -

In the final episode, REG warns the Doctor to keep an eye out for any giant insects, sluggy foes, 1984-style hellholes or a She Devil in a basement being ruled over by a Blake's 7 character. Which did sort of spoil the surprises in the following stories The Credo of the Moron, The Actual Mystery of Beer and The Twice-A-Night Kingdom.

 

Untelevised Misadventures -

The Doctor and his companions attend a Christmas Supper outside continuity. The Doctor plans to show off some photos of Hex, Nyssa and Turlough in an extra-marital affair at a crucial point for the next Christmas Supper which will "get 'em all good".

 

Groovy DVD Extras -

A special extended sequence for REG - and a warning that not all televisions are built to stand more than sixty-five seconds of his... 'acting'.

 

Dialogue Disasters -

 

Doctor: I was in court once.

Charley: Yeah, I can guess what for, you filthy little pervert! You should be hanged!

Doctor: No, I was a witness.

Charley: You despicable bastard, Doctor! Imagine, grassing on your fellow man!

Doctor: The judge thought it was very public spirited of me...

Charely: I hope you're ashamed of yourself.

Doctor: ...when I saw some idiot filling the pond with petrol and throwing in a lit match.

Charley: YOU BASTARD! YOU BASTARD! YOU GRASSED ME UP!!!

 

Doctor: C'mon yah huge, swarthing beast! I'll make an example of ya for all yer loser, mutant mates! Ya hear that, ya freak of super-nature??! I'm about to do a bit of land development on your noggin, but first, I have to clear away some unnecessary extrusions - LIKE YOUR FRONTAL LOBE AREA! Ha-hahahahahahaaaaa!!!

 

Charley: Doctor? Can you hear me? Come in, tango! Tango, this is Alpha Force! Go Alpha Force! Delta Omega two, standby...

Doctor: Charley?

Charley: Go, Doctor 8, over!

Doctor: Oh, no, not you here too. Talk about overkill. Only I would be unlucky enough to get a stalker in the afterlife.

Charley: Roger, Doctor 2! Stand by for further communication on this channel! The next voice you will be hearing will be none other than myself from the central location of...

Doctor: ARGH! I don't deserve this!

Charley: Doctor?

Doctor: What?

Charley: Can you confirm that, Bingo 12?

Doctor: I give up.

 

Charley: Doctor! Get down behind the console with me...

Doctor: Not now, Charley, I've got a headache.

 

R.E.G.: I have of late, but wherefore I know not, lost all my mirth and indeed it goes so heavily with my disposition that this goodly frame the earth seems to me a sterile promontory; this most excellent canopy the air, look you, this mighty o'rehanging firmament, this majestical roof fretted with golden fire; why, it appeareth nothing to me but a foul and pestilent congregation of vapours. What a piece of work is a man, how noble in reason, how infinite in faculties, how like an angel in apprehension, how like a GOD, I NEED A DRINK!

 

Doctor: I doubt anyone at the philharmonic would release our footsteps on CD.

Charley: What about Big Finish?

Doctor: Yeah, those wankers would, I suppose...

 

 

Dialogue Triumphs -

 

Doctor: We're not dead!

Charley: Terrific!

Doctor: At least not yet. We should keep our options open.

Charley: What about our legs? Should we keep THEM open, too?

Doctor: Damn it, Charley, didn't you learn from last time?!?

 

REG: I must say I do find my continued virginity very frustrating.

Doctor: I find your continued existence very frustrating.

REG: I'M GONNA BE A STAR!!

 

Charley: I am all you have in the world. We are all each other has.

Doctor: [breaks down in sobs] Oh, God, please, no...

 

The heart-breaking final scene -

R.E.G.: The beauty of the world, paragon of animals; and yet to me, what is this quintessence of dusk. Man delights not me, no, nor women neither, nor women neither... Sigh... Christ, I'm horny.

 

UnQuotable Quote -

 

Doctor: I think he takes after you, dear.

 

Viewer Quotes -

 

"Once upon a time, in a land not too dissimilar to ours, there was a double CD adventure from Big Finish. And it was very expensive, so for all my great sanity, I decided to spend fifty bucks of my hard-earned cash on this, this... ARSE!! And I was not pleased! Not pleased at all! Each episode starts with the Doctor reading a fairy tale about kings and kingdoms and music. I wonder why it's there. Then I twigged - THERE IS NO REASON! IT'S JUST ARSE!!! What is it? Oh, yes. I remember. ARSE!!! Schizo comes in a shorter length than virtually all Big Finish stories. AND I STILL HAVE TO PAY FOR THIS... ARSE! THAT'S WHAT IT IS, AND THAT'S WHAT I'M CALLING IT! ARSE!! DO YOU HEAR ME?? *ARSE*!!!" - Gabriel the Cherub (2003)

 

"I wouldn't like all Doctor Who to be like this, it's just not brilliant destruction."

- Toyko Reconstructionist Monthly (2003)

 

"Paul McGann and India Fisher have formed possibly the closest companionship ever seen between Doctor and companion. The last twelve stories have seen a gradual building of this friendship. What results is a relationship that Doctor Who has never ever seen in its intensity. It's interesting to speculate whether this is the result of a master plan by Big Finish, or more likely, a result of the mixed drinks the 2 actors have together. Fact - Paul McGann and India Fisher work brilliantly together and I just wish I could get in between them for a bit of a vegemite sandwich, if you get my drift. Hahah." - Nigel Verkoff (2004)

 

"Richard E Grant? You call THAT a hideous alien downtown destroyer?? What about Mothra? Gamera? Baragon? King-Kong, even?!? Heck, I could have done a better job! This is ARSE!!" - Godzilla (2345)

 

"It was about halfway through Schizo that I started to think about moments in the series when the Doctor spied on the naughtiness of his companions. There's Susan and Romana II of course, and little Jo and perhaps even Ace in some twisted way. It shocked me to realize that I had never considered what Hex, Nyssa and Turlough got up to. Now I consider it all the time. I have devoted several fanzines to the topic. I think I'll just pop outside for a good hard think on this... horny topic. Bye."

- Nigel Verkoff (later the same day)

 

"Schizo reminds me of the Peter Davison era in all the wrong ways. I mean, it doesn't have Peter Davison in it, or regular appearances of the Bastard, Tegan, Kamelion or the Ergon. And it was made twenty years afterwards. Actually it sort of reminds me of the Paul McGann era in all the right ways. Yeah, Schizo is exactly the sort of adventure the eighth Doctor would have. A bit like that other adventure he had, Schizo."

- The Stater of Extremely Obvious Things At Whovention 2004

 

Psychotic Nostalgia -

"I can totally relate to this episode. I too have large chunks of my life completely missing and filled in only by dodgy exposition. Like that time Wincing Tom Quiggly bet me I couldn't juggle seven meat-cleavers and a live kitten all in one ago. I remember the starting whistle, the next thing you know it's 20 years later and I'm tied to a trolley in a mental institution, covered in blood, being fondled by three Mormons... Marvelous."

 

Paul McGann Speaks!

"Once upon a time, in a land not too dissimilar to ours, there lived an actor. And he was a good actor, in an age where such people were an unfashionable rarity. His work was lauded, and people who mattered marked him down for great things. Believing it would do no harm, he allowed himself to bypass his talents and appeared in a failed revival on an old British science fiction series. As soon as he did this, he realized he was trapped. He was forced to mimic one performance he'd bull****ted while high on cheap Andromedan cocaine, and, before he realized it, the actor was trapped in the rapture of an audience that made Man United supporters seem sane and composed in comparison. Eventually, the actor decided to stuff it all and just read out the lines, knowing his mere presence was enough to secure a standing ovation. Then Richard E Grant turned up, and, for form's sake, the actor struggled to act yet again..."

"Okaaaaaaaaay, Paul. I think you may've had enough to drink for tonight."

"Oh, what would YOU know, you thick-headed, miniature swamp reptile??"

 

India Fisher Speaks!

"Love. It hurts, it makes you smile, it brings tears to your eyes, it gives you moments of intense, intoxicating pleasure. Love is all around us, inside us, enslaving us. You cannot predict when love will strike or when it will lose its grip. But love, above all things, is why we exist. Failing that, of course, a quick shag will do me."

 

Richard E Grant Speaks!

"What? Doctor Who? What's that? Paul McGann? Never heard of him. Piss off and get a life!"

 

 

Trivia -

This story proves "I Scream Boom-Shaka-Laka" was total crap. Without a doubt.

 

 

Rumors & Facts -

In it's own way, Schizo is just as radical and deranged as Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass, only much shorter and with slightly more of a point to it. I can recall nothing remotely like it in any Doctor Who, but then, my memory is not what it used to be. Have I already said that? Oh. Does Schizo work? Is it a bold experiment that really came off? Do we care? I'm not quite sure I can endorse the thing whole-heartedly, but I have to commend Big Finish for trying something different and getting that ****wit Gay Russell's hands off Doctor Who for all of five minutes.

 

With the revelation that Doctor Who would be returning to terrestrial television, half of Big Finish resigned and used their severance pay to buy huge bags of dorritoes to eat while they watched the new series. The idea of making a new series in a dimension beyond all that of human comprehension appealed to Gay Russell and Jason Haigh-Ellery, who realized that they could show any old crap they wanted as no one in this universe could prove them wrong. Russell decided that the first two stories would be exhaustingly traditional before becoming so avant garde reviewers would suffer epileptic fits simply trying to note the story titles. JHE wanted exactly the same thing, only in a different order. Jacqueline Raynor was the one who came up with the master stroke of alternating them so that Season 30 would become a 1936 roller coaster - rusty, dangerous and illegal in three counties.

 

When asked during an interview to cite the one script that made them piss themselves laughing at the sheer lunacy inherent in believing this crap was suitable for actors to record, both Paul McGann and India Fisher had no hesitation in saying that it was The Crime of Fright-Night "by" Robert Shearman. Indeed, in 2003 sufferers of Doctor Who Magazine not only voted The Crime of Fright-Night as the most plagiaristic script they'd ever had the misfortune to come across, but Shearman actually took poll position as the most overrated human being ever. Therefore, sickened by the fact McGann and Fisher seemed to have lives outside the office, Russell decided to make sure their lives INSIDE it would be sheer, unadulterated, guilt-ridden hell. JHE commented that this wasn't aiming too high.

 

Shearman was still recovering from the nervous breakdown he had suffered when the Big Finish team blackmailed him into writing every single script for Season 29 and then changed their minds at the last minute. Indeed, it was during this period of mental instability Shearman penned the Doctor Who Unsoiled play Headline about an insane man forced to write Juliet Bravo script after Juliet Bravo script for the evil Small Whimper Productions and also featured the vengeance of an evil entity that lived in photographs. Although utter **** of the first order, it is undoubtedly the most original material Shearman ever presented.

 

It was during the commissioning of a four-part story for the new season that, in a fit of pique, Russell decided to hand over executive control of all Big Finish to Greg the cleaner. Greg immediately decided, from his hour-long association with the televisual phenomenon that is Doctor Who, that was really needed was a hideous monster destroying downtown Tokyo in a rabid lust for alcohol. He also believed that, rather than ruin the whole story through bad special effects, they should limit the carnage and destruction to be shown off-screen and only really involve the monster at the cliffhanger to part two and in episode four. In order to make up for the lack of it, Greg also suggested they focus on the Doctor and Charley getting lost in a maze and reminiscing about various court cases they were involved in throughout their relationship. He also refused point blank Shearman's suggestion that the story be set in a futuristic time capsule powered by the angry spirits of dead animals, believing it was a bit "American".

 

Furious that his reportoire of Sapphire & Steel scripts had been rendered useless, Shearman immediately delved into his files, ran it through Find and Replace and handed it over before marrying his life-long sweetheart, the plum pudding, and leaving for Bermuda. The story, entitled simply "Get Stuffed, Big Finish" was set in a deserted motorway station where the Doctor and Charley discover that the carnage of the evil Wankersaurus Rex has allowed a breech in time to allow Transient Beings to capture the time travelers and conquer the sixth dimension. Greg promptly helicoptered over Shearman's seaside resort and kidnapped him in the middle of his honeymoon, shooting the pudding at point blank range with an Uzi submachine gun. The script was to be written from scratch and, as a compromise to make things easier, Shearman was ordered that it only feature the Doctor, Charley and the Wankersaurus Rex (or REX as it was now known). Shearman was also allowed to contrast the story with its immediate predecessor, Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass, by writing something even vaguely viewable. At this point, Shearman's sanity snapped and began to hurl insults at himself and then take note of his own activities secretly, typing it up when he wasn't looking, denying everything and accusing himself of being paranoid to his own face. It was at this point the story was renamed from "Assignment 712" to "Schizophrenia", and the idea of introducing C'Rizz in the final episode was dropped as an excuse of getting Conrad Westmaas the hell out of the room.

 

Schizo had "different" written all over it in strange, childlike handwriting; a further symptom of Shearman's ever-increasing insanity and resentment. Monologues to proceed every episode were written for absolutely no reason at all, and a detailed outline was given for the fairy tale: In ancient times, God created the world, its people, and legions of flying typewriters to feast on tapioca pudding. God then realizes he is going round the twist and demands the universe stop getting him hack jobs during 2003. God creates man, and man tells God to get back to work and make sure there's a totally gratuitous reference to Romp With the Rani on page 7 or else. Then God eats man AND the typewriter and begins to go cross-eyed until a big purple monster appears before him and he drops dead in a cloud of pathos.

 

Greg decided to try and compose links with Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass and Schizo by resolving the tangled paradoxical web of sadism and cynicism that was Richard E Grant's performance as the Doctor in I Scream 'Boom Shaka-Laka'! Have managed to create an origin story for the blood-drained, hung-over Time Lord, Russell suggested it would be flying in the face of Doctor Who's established tradition of ruining decent ideas before they have a chance to show potential. He also suggested that they should make the Doctor and Charley cold and distant, and found this could be easily achieved by stopping one or the other giving in to sexual depravity. Greg at this point, threw scalding coffee into Russell's face, called him a fascist and ordered him not to interfere in the creative process. When the whole BFP crew burst into simultaneous applause, Russell fouled himself and hid in the corner.

 

However, before Greg could pistol-whip Shearman into writing a resolution for the cliffhanger where REG eats his parents, there was a mysterious power failure and when the lights returned, Greg the cleaner had vanished from the face of the earth. Shearman, twitching dangerously and singing "Praise You" by Fatboy Slim, was deemed too unstable to use by the BFP and so was handed over to Russell T Davies with their compliments. Gay Russell took on the burden of padding out the underwritten, over-thought script with long sequences involving the TARDIS manual, games of I Spy and some of the naughtier things the companions got up to (however the "And another thing, I've seen Adric bumming sheep" sequence was deleted when Russell realized there was a taste threshold even to his work). Since both McGann and Fisher were mentally exhausted after having to participate in this... 'script', Russell decided to force them to make a completely new adventure. Just for a laugh. This explains the dazed expressions and sullen delivery in the one-episode story, Vogon Cutaway.