Serial 8N - Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass
Fourteenth Entry in the EC Unauthorized
Program Guide O' Men For Emily
D O C T O R W H O
Serial 8N - Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass -
The story so far:
The Doctor's decision to shag the adventurous
young Charley Pollard has had unfortunate consequences for his reputation, movie collection, sofa, and sanity - in that order.
Finally, returning to Gallifrey for Charley to give birth to their foul lovechild, the Doctor encountered the bathetic inhabitants
of the universe of unmade sequels. The so-called Nowhere-People attempted to send an invasion force of fanwankery to Gallifrey,
shattering the credulity of Doctor Who and unleashing chaos upon the Universe. Luckily - and inexplicably - Charley's childbirth
provides a dues ex machina to save Gallifrey, the web of time and also drive the Doctor insane by the magical powers of retroactive
continuity. As such, he has taken on a new identity, that of the legendary Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass, a beatnik poet who doesn't exist.
Like you do.
Part One - Underpants
Part Two - Fart Spam
Part Three - Waistband
Hooo boy... Okay, here we go...
Charley cowers away in hiding as the Doctor,
or Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass, or whoever the hell Paul McGann is playing, storms through the TARDIS altering the very nature of time.
Already the cut-and-dry nature of his timeline is distorting: the three minutes his fifth incarnation spent with Peri Brown
before his untimely regeneration are now four years, crammed full with adventures and a new Egyptian Pharoh, Eminem, as a
companion; his Sixth self was not only accompanied by a three-foot penguin but also a sour-face octogenarian called Evelyn;
and he changes and re-makes the fate of his former self and Ace so many times he gets confused and gives up, leaving Ace a
burnt, dead Frenchwoman in leather and shades answering to the name of Dorothee McShane, Time's Viagra.
Charley struggles to understand what's
happening, and promptly goes insane. She starts to run around the TARDIS after Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass, wielding knitting needles,
screaming "Mother! Mother!" before stopping by a room marked "Thinking Room". The room inside is totally empty bar a poster
marked I'M WATCHING YOU. Upon entering, she sees a familiar figure whom Charley recognizes as Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart
molesting something she recognizes as a marrow. Hastily, the Brigadier explains he is just a ghostly-form acting as a disguise
for the disgusting subconscious of the TARDIS itself, which has been devastated by the retcon explosion and tells her to be
grateful he isn't Borusa, the Doctor's grandfather. Charley, however, refuses point blank to accept that this is a holographic
projection generated by the TARDIS out of Charley's own memories, and the Brigadier transports Charley into another historical
projection; this time, her mother is confronting the head of Charley's boarding school kicking her heels in joy that Charley
managed to slip away from the school without being noticed. As Charley watches, she is taken aback to realize just how much
her mother resented her sexual independence. She then finds herself back aboard the TARDIS, where the Brigadier explains that
the damaged ship is creating these holo-projections so that Charley may observe historical events which may have some bearing
on whatever has happened to the Doctor, and also employ a bunch of hack actors as it's the fortieth anniversary and Big Finish
don't want to go against the grain.
Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass, meanwhile, has fled into
a room marked "No Vacancies" to find a long, long, black tunnel with a blinding light at the end of it. Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass compares
it to either a near-death experience or a near-sex experience. His libido returning, for a moment, the Doctor's mind clears
enough for him to be appalled by what Charley's done to him and swears that he will not let her seduce him a second time.
Well, maybe a second time, but definitely not a third. Unless it's really good. Not just your usual "true nature of ecstasy"
but TOTALLY fantastic, supreme, dynamite sex, as well. And certainly not a fourth. At this point, the ghost of the third Doctor
arrives, who has been having fun scaring the crap of the Doctor's more gullible companions. An echo of his Super-Disco incarnation,
the third Doctor is distinctly unimpressed by this unfashionable Gollum-style nutter. The Doctor hopes that Charley isn't
being spared any of this high-minded philosophical claptrap from the TARDIS. Sick of this badly edited crap, the Doctor leaves
the tunnel and finds his old hardcopy collection of internet pornography and begins to wade in happily. Already, all thoughts
of Charley have been banished from his mind.
Charley and the Brigadier find themselves
in another holographic environment, this time an army barracks sometime in the 1950s. The Brigadier complains loudly that
this isn't exactly what he'd thought he'd see when he plugged in "Earthshag Part Three" and realizes that all pre-McGann era
Who has been corrupted horribly, and Charley points out this is not necessarily a bad thing as long as Seasons 14 and 15 remain
similar to the way they were. The Brigadier advises against seeking help from the Time Lords, lest they also become infected
with the unfashionable anti-canon inside the TARDIS. Instead, he and Charley must examine these recreations of significant
historical events to find out what's happening and, most importantly, pad out this mother of a three parter. The people in
the simulations will be given form and voice from the TARDIS' memories, and will believe the Brigadier and Charley to be a
part of the scenario, mainly so there will we little need to rewrite the scripts.
As the Brigadier speaks, young Captain
Vislor Turlough arrives and greets him and Charley, believing them to be a man from the Ministry and his driver, Bob. This
is, in fact, not due to the TARDIS' program, but because of a psychotic condition Turlough possesses, believing that everyone
he meets is a man from the Ministry and his driver Bob. As the Brigadier is insubstantial and cannot interact with his surroundings,
he needs Charley to investigate for him and risk her life in the most gross danger that stalks the barracks. Charley does
so, noting that a hell of a lot of people have told her similar things and she is always being sent into danger by those who
are unable to interfere. Maybe she's just got that sort of face? Passing the doors marked "Secret", "Top Secret", "Not at
All Secret", Charley tries the "Ever So Secret" door and spots Turlough trying to snog his co-worker, Miss Nyssa, and though
they're surprised to find the man from the Ministry and his driver in the room, the Brigadier reminds them that he's been
granted full access to the base and if he wants to watch them make out on top of the filing supplies he bloody well will!
Turlough accepts this explanation, and asks Nyssa to escort the Minister and his driver to the local elephant graveyard.
Even the Doctor feels the strength of the
explosion, but he doesn't know...
Oh, all right. I give up. I don't know
the rest of the story past this point. I just gave up. Unlike some people (yes, YOU, Jean-Marc Lofficer) I have a life and
so didn't waste three months trying to listen to it and work out what was going on. Besides, I think there is a level of cosmic
appropriateness that the longest-ever Doctor Who story receives the shortest program guide. Hah! Eat that, Gay Russell! I
have, however, just for this program guide, listened to the final few tracks and so:
Back in the mists before history was real
lived a man called Nicholas Briggs.
Briggs loved Doctor Who and wanted to BE
him. And so he constructed a Stargate Wormhole that allowed him to travel back to the dawn of time and manipulate the primal
foundations of existence until Gallifrey, the Time Lords, the Dustbins and the Cybermen came into existence. There were a
few false starts (detailed under "Doctor Root & The Enema Within") that were sealed up and dumped in whole new universes.
Since then, Briggs has adopted the guise
of 'Rassilon' and manipulated and stalked Theta Sigma, making sure that he fled Gallifrey in a TARDIS, that the TARDIS became
stuck as a police box, that he would have countless human companions and regenerate seven times. Apparently, this universe
is a warped, kinkier and filthier version of the show Briggs loves, but it's pretty damned close and indeed, makes a lot more
sense on some occasions. Now, Briggs has tricked the Eighth Doctor into become Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass and can now rewrite his own
history with impunity. Briggs wants Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass to unwrite time and make Briggs himself the Doctor for all eternity. The
Eighth Doctor knows that he stands at a fork in the road.
Should he continue on his path, regenerate
and finally get it on with Rose Tyler? Or should he surrender his existence to Briggs, with every previous incarnation retconned
out of reality and no cameos or anniversary appearance?
Here, in the Dark Tower of the Tomb of
Nicholas, safe in the heart of a continuity barrier, the Fifth, Sixth and Seventh Doctors, Charley, her Offspring, Romana,
Leela and K9 Mark 2 watch on in horror as the Eighth Doctor/Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass makes his choice. To remove himself from continual
Doctor Who production, he will be left at the mercy of the fans. To stay on his path will lead to him looking like a prat
in a leather jacket. But, and this is the clever bit, there is a THIRD choice.
The Doctor/Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass summons up all
of his mighty temporal energies and promptly fires them at...
...his bastard child, which becomes THE
RICHARD E GRANT DOCTOR!
Suddenly, there is a crack of thunder and
a strange, orchestral choir as the cataclysm in the subspace universe. With the roar of "I am the Scarlet Pimpernel! Sorry,
the DOCTOR!" the REG Doctor dives into a TARDIS tailored specifically to contain his ego and heads off into the wide blue
yonder. Briggs is horrified - ALL Doctor Who canonicity has been ruined by this new incarnation. The barriers protecting the
Dark Tower collapse and hoards of Spider-Dustbins and Cybs storm the fortress, killing all the supporting cast in a dramatically
The Doctor takes this opportunity to set
the Stargate to a totally random universe - and by that I mean a COMPLETELY different universe, not just the ordinary one
painted green but a ****ing Lovecraftian realm - and hurls Briggs into it to face the wrath of the creatures that live there.
The Doctor prepares to flee in the TARDIS and this time he refuses to take Charley with him, even if there IS lap-dancing
involved. Charley is shocked and horrified at what the Doctor has done to Nicholas Briggs - who knows what torture he is suffering,
in a new and unfamiliar universe without Time Lords, Cybermen, Dustbins, companions or continuity.
The Doctor suddenly announces that he's
had a change of heart and, leaving Charley to the mercy of the Seagullified monsters, prepares to pilot the TARDIS into the
new universe. However, unbeknownst to Charley, the Doctor has reset the Stargate so he will end up in any universe EXCEPT
the one with Nicholas Briggs. As the Doctor prepares for his new life, he seems to hear the echoing voices of his past selves
bitching at him for not having thought of this sooner. However, the Doctor is unaware that Charley is hiding nearby, waiting
for the opportune moment to grope the Time Lord...
Book(s)/Other Related –
The Doctor, Doctor Who & Dr Who Versus
Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass To The Death!
Doctor Mysterio Il Hetero Rectum Criss-Cross!
How To Boil An Egg 2: This Time, It's Edible!
"It's A Better Exit Than I Ever Had - A
Bang On The Head, I Ask You!"
Fluffs - Paul McGann seemed non-canonical
for this story.
Sylvester McCoy seemed pedophilic for this
Colin Baker seemed vampish for this story.
Peter Davison seemed agnostic for this
Tom Baker seemed absent for this story.
Jon Pertwee seemed drunk on cheap cider
for this story.
Patrick Troughton seemed as dead as corduroy
for this story.
William Hartnell seemed forgotten for this
"Again you never I Doctor, I'd thought
see!" cries Charley.
The Doctors refuse to accept that Rassilon
created the question mark, and claims it was THEM, and that no pan-dimensional copyright laws will stop them. Will they never
Leela has somehow managed to keep her good
looks after over 500 years on the most boring part of the most boring planet in the universe with the most boring man in the
entirety of creation. But she dumped him after he misplaced his red hat. Although billions of tie-in novels and fan fiction
have provided explanations for this, not a single one is used here. Does that mean that The Invasion Of Tim has been rendered
non-canonical? My God! I'm already quivering with delight at the thought...
During the anniversary cut-and-paste from
Death to the Dustbins, Charley ridicules the whole concept and demands to know why such an obvious bit of padding in an already-gargantuan
plot. Therein follows seventeen minutes of total silence as a tumbleweed rolls
across the set.
Maxil is credited as "Whichever Wanker
Russell T Davies Chooses Next" and "Matthew Kopelke" on alternate episodes.
Fashion Victims - The Offspring's question-mark
The Brigadier explains his libido is an
"agitated protoplasm". A very BIG, MANLY agitated protoplasm.
"Rassilon has created regeneration, by
reversing the polarity of the self-replicated contact molecular flow! It's a better exit than I ever had - a bang on the head,
I ask you!"
Links and References -
Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass has read the BBC novel
"The Dominatrix of Vendetta Street", the DWM comic "Bolivian", BBCi webcast "Beth Comes to Rhyme" and the Telos Novella "Rip
Wide" and, frankly, prefers the Big Finish continuity - thus proving that, although he may be the epitome of darkness from
the depths of evil, he does have some taste.
Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor insists that not a single one
of him was responsible for Kennedy's assassination, as they were all too busy sitting at home watching The Unruly Child.
Groovy DVD Extras -
Cut scenes showing Tony Hancock, Richard
Hearne and Douglas Adams playing the first through third Doctors. These were deleted when it became apparent that all the
artistes were dead and their acting talents too limited to impersonate William Hartnell, Patrick Troughton and Jon Pertwee.
At least, when the latter were alive.
Dialogue Disasters -
Sixth Doctor: The first victim of prog
rock in history?? It's a better exit than I ever had - a bang on the head, I ask you!
Sixth Doctor: Driven mad by rage, being
teleported over a cauldron of white miasma and dropped into the bubbling muck by a vengeful companion? It's a better exit
than I ever had - a bang on the head, I ask you!
Every Doctor: We never, ever, EVER have
had any sexual relations with that woman of any sort, any time, any where.
Sixth Doctor: Sucked out of the TARDIS
and into a meat grinder! You should be so lucky! It was a better exit than I ever had - a bang on the head, I ask you!
Charley on the fact the Doctor has locked
himself in the bathroom for eighteen months - "He's probably just a bit excited."
Sixth Doctor: Having your living weapon
turn against you in the ultimate ironic coup de grace and hurling you into oblivion forever? It's a hell of a lot better than
the exit I had - a bang on the head, I ask you!
Brigadier: I shall have the pleasure of
Eighth Doctor: Then... BRING... IT... ON!!!!
Brigadier: Er... I've forgotten what I
was going to say. Aw, you've put me off it, now!
Sixth Doctor: OD-ing from snorting ludicrous
amounts of cocaine off a panda's tits? That's a WAY better exit than I ever had - a bang on the head, I ask you!
Third Doctor: Birds do it, bees do it --
Charley: Let's just do it.
Third Doctor: Wait, I haven't reached the
chorus - OH, MY!!!
Dialogue Triumphs -
Sixth Doctor: And they call ME an egotistical,
arrogant, infantile, infuriating, anodyne and totally vacuous git who is as weak as vegetarian piss!
Peri: Are you saying your future self is
a total arsehole?
Sixth Doctor: Hmm? Hell no, I'm just bragging.
Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass: Awww, I haven't even ravished
the universe yet!
Romana: I've got two hearts. I don't have
to ravish anything!
Charley: Oh. How unlucky.
Sixth Doctor: Skewered by the unearthly
blade wielded by the founder of Time Lord society? Well, it was a better exit than I ever had - a bang on the head, I ask
Sixth Doctor: You know, I don't think that
these eighteen-month intermissions really WORK, do you? It's like giving junkies morphine, making them go cold turkey for
a year and half, then offering them some juicy fruit. Mark my words, this'll bomb.
Brigadier: Oh, shut up, Colin! At least
you're working today!
Seventh Doctor: Trapped in hell for all
eternity with Charley Pollard? It's a better exit than I ever had - keyhole surgery on the lower intestine, I ask you!
Sixth Doctor: Turning to dust after a stake
is rammed up your arse? Well, er... Ah... You know, a bang on the head really ISN'T that bad a way to go, is it? Really? Count
your blessings, that's what I say.
Eighth Doctor: My God... Cut down in my
prime by an eighteen-month suspension in my second year, forced into a season-long story of pain, suffering and gratuitous
continuity, then fired off-screen and replaced by some one I wouldn't spit on if they were ablaze! YOU CALL THAT AN EXIT??
Sixth Doctor: Oh, you get used to it, buckaroo.
UnQuotable Quote -
Brigadier: Welcome to your domesticity.
Viewer Quotes -
"Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass just wrong, sick and I
never want to hear it again. Plus, it doesn't hold a candle to my vastly superior work." - Lewis Carroll, minutes before being
lynched by a mob of rabid fans (1963)
"It is really so satisfying to hear McGann
slot in alongside his predecessors so seamlessly, if you know what I mean - NONE of them sound like they want to be here.
Like the Doctor, you'll probably never want to hear the word 'continuity' again by the time you're done. Just what the hell
is Gay Russell on? Not even my dealer is prepared to hazard a guess - Mr. Sheen, maybe?" - Andrew Beeblebrox (2003)
"I swear, the moment when Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass
turns up, everyone who views it will cry out, 'We waited eighteen months for this tosh?'" - an eerily accurate prediction
by Gay Russell (2001)
"I think I may have OD'd on Doctor Who.
I cannot move. I must stay where I am and not move. I cannot speak, just hum the Doctor Who theme music. I think the CD has
fallen through a crack in the floor. It's down there... in the darkness... breathing." - Nathan Lyons (2004)
"MY GOD, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??!?!?" - Terrance
"I was young. I needed the money. What
more can I say?"
- Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass, from his "Mr. Winkie's
Fun Palace" at the Axis of Insanity (2003)
"Totally ****ed up the continuity I slaved
for months trying to work out. Now, admittedly, *I* would have ****ed it up as well, but these bastards somehow got there
first. That's not something you just forgive, now, is it?" - Laurence Miles (2004)
"Oh Great Prophet Zarquon! Where do you
start reviewing a story like Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass!? Almost any meaningful review is going to include some kind of spoiler, as there
is over three hours' worth of material, spread over 3 CDs, with huge chunks of plot draped across them all, so that any discussion
of Disc 3 will tend to reveal some of the story elements from Discs 1 and 2. So, after thinking this through, I'd decided
just to say 'Sod it' and go home early." - SFX reviewer (2004)
"Special mention must go to India Fisher
who I think has the biggest part of the whole play. Again she brings Charley to the top of the companion popularity tree.
With sheer charm and downright likeability, she carries the story. Charley, and India Fisher, is one of the main reasons I
enjoyed Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass so much. Charley plays a pivotal role in the climax of the story, the relationship between her and
McGann's Doctor being put under the microscope. As with Nowhere-Land, this is the strongest part of the story, the way in
which these two souls interact. Their actions at the end of the disc are both in character and consistent with what has gone
before. The sacrifices that both characters make are moving without being over-sentimental. And I swear that Charley's nipples
can be seen at a distance of ten metres!"
- Nigel Verkoff after his brain rejects
another attitude adjustment (2005)
"Is Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass a story I'd want to
celebrate 40... long... ****ing... years of Doctor Who? Bonnie Langford appearing as three separate characters - has the world
gone MAD?? Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass' main purpose, however, seems to be a story so bad that the Doctor would rather take a running
jump into a dimension gate than suffer Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass 2: Attack of the Killer Nowhereperson. And so, what are we left with?
A randy, stoned but vaguely homosexual man travelling through a whole new universe in a police box bigger on the inside than
out, accompanied with the only person in the universe that shares his starting point. Hmmm. Sounds crap. I wouldn't watch
it." - Ewen Campion-Clarke (2004)
Psychotic Nostalgia -
"I thought that Jon Pertwee was crap in
this story. He can do much better than his weak so-called 'performance'! Anyone who's seen The Monster of Paddington or The
Mootants can tell that! And what was his pitiful excuse for not turning up for work? 'Sorry, I'm slightly dead'? PA-THET-IC!
All we need is his photograph, a lock of hair and the blood of a virgin window cleaner and we'll see what Pertwee makes of
the script! You wait here..."
Paul McGann Speaks!
"My attention span isn't that good. In
fact, it's probably that forgetfulness that has got me through any of this crap. Lord knows you need something to keep you
going. I remember Seagull wanted there to be a very melancholic side to the Eighth Doctor, which is why he forced me to do
it in the first place. So there'd be the underlying feeling of resentment and depression. Which is, you know, good for me
because I can just read the lines on a first take as long as I pronounce the words right. One time I came in feeling great
and revived and having a good laugh, and well, India took one look at me and hid in the corner. Cause of time restraints and
stuff, we had to add this whole sequence when I explain that I'm actually possessed by Sil and had taken a lot of LSD in order
to explain the changes in my performance. You know, come to think of it, I might have dropped some acid before turning up
to work that day. Hmm. Would explain a lot.
I think my Doctor's really separated from
the rest of the boring gits. He wears his background, and he wears his solitude sometimes, but, all in all, he wears a velvet
jacket and a grey cravat. But there is a bit of variation, which is better than the last three Doctors, you've got to admit.
My Doctor is hard to get to know, and does have that real passionate desire to get the hell out of here as fast as possible.
I mean, with say Colin Baker, he'll land somewhere and go, 'Ooh, look! Four-headed rocks starving due to cyclone damage! I
think it's worth checking out.' Now, my Doctor will go, 'Oh, look! Four-headed rocks starving due to cyclone damage! Well,
fancy that. Oh, well, I'm off now. Is that the exit behind you?' Yeah, I really brought the character back to the old William
Hartnell days, when he was embarrassed to leave the TARDIS at all, just wanted to bugger off into the wild blue yonder and
get laid. Maybe not in that order, though. I liked reading those scene where the Doctor tells everyone, 'right, look, I'm
off. Don't worry about me, cause I'm sure as hell not going to worry about you. It'll be just great. There's be no tosser
Time Lords and none of their crap rules'. Yeah, that dark, bitter side to him, the spiker side to him. He's under that dynamic,
he's in that mood, he has that feeling, rather than skipping off into some sunset, happy as Larry. I remembered saying and
feeling identical things whenever a season wrapped up - sort of relieved, but dispirited that we were going to come back.
In fact, come to think of it I said EXACTLY those same things to Russell when we finished Inuit in Hull. The bastard just
wrote down the entire conversation and changed, 'You Anorak-Clad Wanker' to 'Romana'."
Sylvester McCoy Speaks!
"It's exciting, it's really great to know
it's still going at... er... wait a minute. Ah yes, 40 years. Handy of them to change the logo of that, Doctor Who, to Doctor
W40. I suppose you could call that DW40. Hahah! Oh, wait, no, I got that the wrong way round. It'd be WD40. Ah, well, humor
never was my strong point. Or drama. Of course, the climax of this story was intense stuff. Richard E Grant taking over from
Paul was fantastic, because I've often said that REG would make a good Doctor. He may be a touch young, but he's definitely
the right kind of eccentric, quirky character. Knowing that people want a younger Doctor, he fits the bill quite well. Of
course, the fact I have just won a large amount of money from Ladbrooke's on REG being the new Doctor is COMPLETELY beside
the point. No Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass is a trial run for Peter's latest career move - a barber-shop quartet of Time Lords! We'd go
town a storm, but not just at conventions. We'd be bigger than that. We could be bigger than Big Brother! Worldwide domination...
It's a thought, isn't it. Bwa-hah-ha-ha!"
Colin Baker Speaks!
"Of course, anyone can tell you that this
is fortieth anniversary of Doctor Who, but how many people are willing to admit that it's the twentieth anniversary of me
starting as the Doctor, hmm? The second half of Doctor Who, most of it down to me. The larger half, as Sylvester here so kindly
said. Yes, I did detect a sort of insulting subtext. Oh, don't my about him, young chap, he'll recover consciousness soon
enough. What I liked about this story was that the hero has to be unmistakable but the bad person can be anyone. What I didn't
like about this story was that most of the cast weren't themselves, so there were three times the possible bad-guys! I mean,
I play the Doctor, a vampire, a ghost of a vampire, a ghost of the Doctor, and a merged ghost of the Doctor AND a vampire.
When I bite Bonnie Langford's head off... who can tell just who is in control? Or even if he's a goody or a baddy?"
Peter Davison Speaks!
"I suppose that 40 years of Doctor Who
is a good excuse to, you know, have a 40th anniversary story. I mean, it'd be rather gratuitous otherwise, wouldn't it? This
story had me, for the most part, playing the Reverend Townsend, or rather the Reverend Townsend in the body of the Doctor.
Or, to be strictly accurate, a hologram of the Doctor possessed by the spirit of Reverend Townsend with a huge dollop of the
Doctor's mind and personality, meaning that he could switch from an assuming German priest to intergalactic temporal lord
with just a cock of the head. Now, for any actor that would be a huge task to really bring across the schizophrenia and multiple
personalities involved, so I really had to go right back, back to my roots as an actor, and I decided to play it as the Doctor
wearing a dogcollar. So, there was this bland indifference to the priest, like he was really only there because the TARDIS
was projecting him to talk to Charlotte. Yes, I sure nailed that part. Laurence Oliver, kiss my Time Lord ass!"
Tom Baker Speaks!
"Yes, I've never had a real urge to avoid
anniversary stories. I mean, I thought turning up and trying to take over the whole universe worked for me. I was more than
happy to appear in this story - ahh, what was it called? Of course, I remember. "Doctor Who Gets Rabies And Goes Completely
Out Of His ****ing Mind", yes, THAT'S the sort of story for me! However, I got terribly mixed up. I thought that they were
recording the play on the 23rd of November, 2003, so I wrote down on this beer mat "Doctor Who, 2003, 23/11." Anyway, I turned
up at Big Finish and they had no idea what I was on about. Turned out I'd arrived on the 11/23/2003. Then it turned out that
it there IS no twenty-third month! I might have missed the recording by quite a lot. On top of that, they weren't recording
it on the 23rd of November anyway. And I'd ended up at the wrong address anyway. Of course, I might have laughed that off,
except I'd mistaken the brewery of the local nunnery for the Big Finish Production Studio. And when the police turned up,
and I'd mistaken the nuns for prostitutes, things went downhill for there..."
Jon Pertwee Speaks!
"Ah, yes, this is Jon Pertwee, here. I'm
not in at the moment, but if it's important, feel free to leave a message after the tone. Yes, I'll do my best to contact
you when I'm here. Hah, and you thought I couldn't get through it without saying fuc-BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
India Fisher Speaks!
"Yeah, as stories go, this one truly screwed
me over. I didn't have anyone real to even TRY to go down on until the third act and, well, I think I'd gone off the boil
by then. I remember the script separated me and the Doctor straight away, and I enjoyed the fact my character was really taking
the lead, working things out, and saving the day. It was a bit like being the Doctor, I realized, and then I checked my script.
They'd crossed out the name "2nd Doctor" and just written Charley on top! I mean, seriously! Thank God they edited out all
the stuff with the recorder and the penguin impressions. Not only did it make the blatant unoriginality of the script slightly
murkier, but I don't think that my line, "Oh, my giddy aunt, Jamie" was really as good as it could have been."
Louise Jameson Speaks!
"If you'd said to me in the mid-seventies
that I would still, you know, be earning money and having a good time on the back of a nine-month job that took place when
I was 25, 26, I would never have believed you. If you'd told me it was Doctor Who, I would have crushed your eyeballs with
my thumbs, hacked off your head and scratched 'GET REAL' on the wall of your heart."
Nicholas Briggs Speaks!
"It COULDA worked!"
This story manages to contradict every
single episode of Doctor Who, ever. And Blake's 7. And Star Trek. And Friends. And the Professionals. Come on, you've got
to admit - contradicting the Professionals is one hell of a ballsy move...
Rumors & Facts -
How do you summarize and celebrate the
whole of Doctor Who all in the space of one story? Well, here's a clue - don't do it like this. Don't let the cover in any
way contain the words 'by Gay Russell'.
Zig-Zag-Gay is stocked with so many kisses
to the past its practically hard core pornography. And over three hours of it, which every minute serving three different
requirements: 1) continue or at least involve the events of Nowhere-Land. 2) - have roles for all the leading cast and take
the mickey out of the roles they normally play. 3) - establish that Big Finish has sod all to do with the new series or I
Scream Boom-Shalka-Laka. The result is something that fulfils all these requirements, but more by accident than design. Its
quite clear that the final sequence where Nicholas Briggs tries to take the mantle of Doctor Who is not scripted.
When Gay Russell and Alan Barnes finished
work on Season 29's Nowhere-Land, they took absolutely no notice of the amazing cliffhanger they'd left in their wake: essentially,
the Doctor had been destroyed and Charley was left at the mercy of the mad-as-a-box-of-French Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass. When India
Fisher asked how this situation would be resolved, Russell promised that in his magnum opus, The Revenge of the Macrame Terror,
published on 23/11/2003, would devote a whole three lines to explaining just what happened after Nowhere-Land. However, once
the obligatory seven death threats from BBC Books, Virgin and Boxtree had been received, Russell decided to dovetail TROTMT
into the 50th anniversary Big Finish story, provisionally titled Disappointing ****e.
Barnes, meanwhile, was far too busy congratulating
himself for making a story out of Gay Russell's fanwank shopping list, and tying up an integral plot simply by letting the
characters be themselves to care about resolving the dramatic peak of Nowhere-Land's cliffhanger ending. Russell assured Barnes
that resolving the eighth Doctor and Charley plot would be "someone else's" job, neglecting to explain for the third time
that "someone else" was Old High Gallifreyan for "thicky Barnes over there". Which is odd considering the megalomania that
Russell carried out on the story, co-writing most of it, directing all of it, and producing every eighth Doctor story he could.
Already he had decided that that Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass would be the exact opposite of the fan's expectations, thus meaning that
no fan could possibly be disappointed. Tragically, this decision was made during the great Open-Mindedness Fiasco of 2003
and all the fans wanted was a good story well told. Russell's success in giving them exactly what they didn't want backfired
mightily: he had wanted the story to examine exactly who the Doctor was, what made him tick, his morality and thought processes.
However, Jason Haigh-Ellory reminded Russell that the last 40 years of Doctor Who had sort of worked out the first three and
the fourth had just been resolved in the critically-disgusted Excelsior trilogy. Taking this comment on board, Russell simply
shrugged and decided to simply rip-off Alice in Wonderland for the duration.
All the crew agreed that the audiences
and fans of 2003 were far more sophisticated (and twice as deadly) as the saddoes in 1973 and 1983, so simply doing a retread
of The Tree Doctors or The Even Doctors or even Lame **** just wouldn't work. Thus, there was quite a bit of confusion and
pain when Gay Russell's script was revealed to be a crude cut-and-paste job of The Four-and-a-half Doctors with "Terrance
Dicks" crossed out and "Gay Russell IS a Genius" written over the top of the print in biro. He suggested that they could make
it REALLY radical by not just giving the same actors their old jobs as the Doctor, but swapping the roles around. This lead
to the thought of Bonnie Langford as the Seventh Doctor, and JHE had to be immediately sedated and Russell was sent to rewrite
"his" script. Under strict instructions to ensure that all the cast would be given roles to play to their strengths, Gay Russell
decided to simply change the names of an abandoned sitcom he'd started, "WANK the UNIT: the Great War" to the cast of the
fifth Doctor's era and hoped for the best. Alan Barnes' proposed children's hour "When Animatronic Animals Go Bad" suffered
similar treatment, and the Sixth Doctor's segment was created by releasing Laurence Miles from his cage for all of fifteen
seconds - long enough to have rewritten the history of Rassilon and the Time Lords to an absurd degree.
However, upon reading the story outline
provided by Barnes, Russell began to fear for the latter's sanity: Barnes had begun to see the Doctor through the eyes of
his creation, Charley Pollard, and seemingly had fallen in love with Paul McGann. Indeed, the rehearsal script (which I got
off eBay for the surprisingly low amount of 18/20ths of my earthly soul) is covered in little heart baloons with "Alan + the
Doctor 4 Ever" written in them.
During the intermission between recording
and release, Russell would regularly log onto Outpost Gallifrey and mock the ignorance of those fans brave enough to speculate
on the plot of Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass. He quickly gave this up, however, as it rapidly became apparent that the fans were coming
nowhere near the real storyline, but their inaccurate suggestions were roughly a million times better: one of the most popular
outlines consisting of Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass' deciding to commandeer the listless Dustbin fleet and use it to conquer reality, and
steadily possessing the past Doctors in amazing miniature adventures set in Seasons 21, 23 and 27. Indeed, it is rumored that
Russell plans to use this story in a future submission to the new TV series, "Return of the Attack of the Returning Retconning
Dustbin Army 9". Good luck to him.
It was during the last day of recording
that disaster struck - the BBC had decided to make new Doctor Who on television. Big Finish was now as pointless as The Wank
Machines, dinosaurs to modern man. However, Russell had foreseen this day the moment Big Finish had started and he always
kept his emergency script ready, "Blake by Chris Butcher" and was willing to change the final scene to involve a massive shootout
between Charley and the Doctor which would end with Cybermen gunning down the whole cast as the Doctor laughs insanely. However,
Nicholas Courtney spotted a spelling mistake on page 86 of the script and so this was abandoned in brief order.
After going to such lengths to canonicize
"I Scream Boom-Shaka-Laka", Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass was now forced to de-canonize that, canonize the NEW series (about which nothing
except the presence of Wales was known) and re-canonize itself in the process. Even Russell could not do this convincingly
and so gave up, deciding to return to his "Anything Except What It Is Needed" policy in order to give the fans a surprise.
Thus, Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass explicitly shows that the Big Finish and TV series is not canon, and, indeed, the only REAL canon is
the new TV series. After this, Lance Parkin looked at his revised History of the Universe and burst into tears.
Statistics prove that Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass was
the most eager-awaited, highly-anticipated and highest-pre-ordered and commercial-retailed release Big Finish has ever done.
Nothing else comes close - bar the amount of people, upon learning that the whole thing wasn't canon and that there was a
new series in the pipeline, starting using the Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass CDs as replacement frisbees to their dogs.