DIY Sheep versus Doctor Who and everybody else














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DRAMA AND EXCITEMENT AT SHEEP CENTRAL
 
Andrew writes:
 
These Big Finish guides of yours are unimaginative filth and are simply not amusing. I hope no genuine BF workers read this crap - its just sickening and I hope the author is ashamed of himself for mocking their fine work.
 
It is not just filth. It is sickening filth. Ah that sort of nastiness takes me back to a time in Doctor Who fandom when if you even mentioned Paul McGann you could legitimately be set on fire and left to die in a gutter.
 
But I think Andrew is right. If Paul McGann ever read those guides he would be sure to cry like the big girly Scouser he is. 
 
 
EWEN CAMPION CLARKE: RIGHT OF REPLY...

These Big Finish guides of yours

Are you talking to me or DIY Sheep, there, Andy?
 
Definitely Ewen there Andy - I have absolutely nothing to do with them - at all. Never even read them. Ewen who?

are unimaginative

They are parodies. Of course they're unimaginative. Otherwise they would be original work and named as such.

...filth...

Oi, Sheep, I thought you were downloading them from OG? In which case all offensive words are bleeped out? If he is referring to the content, well... you warn him, don't you?

...and are simply not amusing.

Sheep? Are you amused? I know Charles Daniels sniggered at some of my stuff, and that's good enough for me. I think "Andrew" is just jealous he didn't think of it first!

I hope no genuine BF workers read this crap

Look, keep quiet, but Rob Shearman said he'd read my stuff. And he seemed not too annoyed. Amused, possibly. Definitely not offended (and he'd have cause if anyone does...)

- its just sickening

Well... WHY THE HELL ARE YOU READING SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOU SICK!!

and I hope the author is ashamed of himself for mocking their fine work.

Hey, I like their work! Imitiation best form of flattery and all that? Besides, has "Andrew" heard Zagreus?

Got any other critiques, Sheep?

Basically, Andrew, it is a laugh - and a far more sophisticated one than Daleks and stairs. Why else write these things?
 
Hey - personally I always liked the Dalek/stair joke?
 
 
BUT FOLKS - IT DON'T END THERE.... Dun dun dun dun...
 
Andrew counters with a nasty left hook... with comments by the handy sheep.
 
I notice you have not noted my comments.
 
Do you know how long it takes to update a webpage? I am a bloody lawyer you know and it plays havoc with my nails. Er - thats the updating thing, not the lawyer thing. I am not the editot of Doctor Who Magazine. I don't get paid to be mean to Doctor Who full time.
 
Clearly "Sheep" you are a coward. Can't you cope with criticism?

No I can't. I generally go away and cry in a corner.

It strikes me this "Ewen Campion-Clarke" character is just some fictional creation of yours. I sense a sheep theme (Ewen = ewe). Obviously you're too scared to put your name to the excrement you post under the banner of "alternative".

Yes, well personally I had a bit of trouble believing anyone was called that too. Didn't see the sheep connection though - well spotted. I did always wonder why he kept bleating on the phone.

To say that Colin Baker is gay, Robert Shearman a hack writer and Paul McGann having an adult relationship with India Fisher is totally abhorant.

Did you know by the way that Peter Davison was having it off with Sarah Sutton.

Do you get some sick satisfaction from this titilation!

Yes.

Apart from all the homophobic abuse and childish name calling, the sequence where Charlie gives birth seems written by someone whose entirely gynacological know-how rests on a trailer from Species II!

Well Richard E Grant is a wanker.

This drivel is unlike your own mildly diverting material

Mildly diverting!

Right that's it - you are going down!

and I suspect this "Charles Daniels" (I have yet to risk that link you have placed) might be the author, only understandably too ashamed to put his name to it.

Oh dear - sorry Charles... incoming 

And IF this Campion person DOES exist, his introduction shows him to be the most arrogant, obnoxious and pig-headed creatures it has ever been my misfortune to read material by. The crude character of Mr. Kit Eccelstones is just another insult.

But he's brilliant!

I pray you come to your senses and divorce yourself from the material and/or its creator forthwith.

Actually this has reminded me that I must pop up his fifth Doc stories. I don't think you should read those either.

Not happy, Sheep.

Sheep hangs head in shame.
 
Mr Ewen 'baa baa' Campion Clarke assures me that he A: Not a sheep or B: a figment of Charles Daniel's imagination, but who can tell in this existential age.
 
 
THE CONTINUING SAGA: EPSIODE FOUR - A NEW HOPE!
 
 
ANDREW WRITES:
 
I apologize, Sheep for mistakenly assuming you were refusing to post my views. I suppose, what with all the material on this site and the obvious amount of free time you have, I assumed there would be quicker service.

You have posted the replies of the "author" (assuming that is who actually wrote these, and that the author is not yourself already).
Just what does the "youth of Australia" have to do with this situation? I doubt that anyone involved cares about the foul, twisted depravity of these "alternative" Doctor Who entries. (I use "alternative" in the same way that pedophiles and rapists have "alternative lifestyles" and am convinced that, if real, Campion is a very sick person). Your lighthearted (?) denial of having never read the entries or knowing the author shows you have a higher moral standard than I'd thought. I urge you not to read that muck and delete it right away. Whatever hold this "Ewen" has on you, you are your own person and do not have to put up more of his so-called material.

The "replies" are nothing more than brainless retorts of "So what?" that someone clearly finds so amusing as to inflict on the innocent public. The author even agrees at the sheer paucity of their own imagination, unable to come up with a single original thought and just mock those that can! They actually believe that replacing Anglo-Saxan vulgarity with asterikses somehow makes this worthwhile and simply resorts to the old "If you don't find it funny there is something wrong with you" and actually accuses me of WANTING to write such pornographic vulgarities (the constant pregnancy references made me physically ill at one point, with references to Charlie's bladder proving the last straw).

"Ewen's" claim that he is on speaking terms with Robert Shearman is clearly a bald-faced lie. How the author who can't even be googled can somehow get a fine writer like him (who is at present working hard on the new series of Doctor Who, remember?) is probably the funniest thing this foul-mouthed sicko has ever written! It narrowly beats the idea Shearman would actually be AMUSED at this garbage, which is a mixture of slander and abuse on the whole of Big Finish and loyal Who fandom!

"Ewen's" insistance he likes Big Finish's work seems similar to the assassination of John Lennon by a psycho fan. An art critic burning the Mona Lisa. Heaven help the poor BF production "Ewen" DOESN'T like!

Your own half-hearted replies (which seem to be "if all else fails, call Richard E Grant names") suggest you are trying to avoid taking sides. Clearly, you have realized the truth but this hold the author has over the content of your site is a strong one. Until I know more facts I cannot suggest a way of taking control of your own webpage - however, it seems "Ewen" is editing your remarks (more slander about Shearman and actors private lives or private LIES to be more accurate). I suggest you do not put up any more of his material for as long as possible. I pray that other visitors to your website will agree with my comments and post accordingly.

Finally, I came across this site while visiting the Doctor Who web guide and I was charmed by some of the insightful fan fiction. Your stance that Doctor Who can take self-mockery is sound (although can be taken too far by that oaf Tom Baker) these "alternative" guides are not mockery but out-and-out venom for a company that was instrumental in keeping Doctor Who alive. The Big Finish crew are saints compared to "Ewen" and deserve far better treatment than they are given. Amused as I was by your work, reading "The Enema Within" was the most baffling, pointless and agonizing things I choose to remember. Indeed, I have been trying to cope with this dross, wading through page after page of twisted quotes and double entrendros in the hope of finding something FUNNY. Something that made it worth putting these things up on your website. I have yet to focus on the Shalka parody, but I suspect it is this and only this that prompted you to add outside material to diysheep.tripod.com.!

It has clearly all got out of hand.
Your fellow bastion of Who and good taste,
Andrew (Proving I can take more criticism than some)


Dear Andy

I stand by my view of Richard E Can't, but I have put up a warning that Ewen's collection ia naughty and rude and should not be viewed by people who wear sandals or Gary Russell (because it might make him cry).

Ewen 'I really do exist' Campion Clarke is a very talented writer who, although uses his talent for evil instead of niceness, has currently roped Rob into helping him with something involving 'vampire real estate agents' (don't ask).

I too have corresponded with Rob here and there, but unfortunately am one of the few Doctor Who fans who have never had it off with Paul Cornell (although I have berated him several times regarding Scream of the Shalka).

Sucked in Ewen - he liked my stuff! And I like him - he thinks Tom Baker was an oaf!

And thanks for the feedback. There is nothing wrong with expressing an opinion.

Love

DIY 'I am not possesed by Ewen Campion Clarke' Sheep.
 
 
EWEN STRIKES BACK


I apologize, Sheep for mistakenly assuming you were refusing to post my views.

So you bloody well should. And instantly leaping to the conclusion Sheep is a coward, scared of your critique of someone ELSE'S work was out of line as well.

I suppose, what with all the material on this site and the obvious amount of free time you have, I assumed there would be quicker service.

She seems pretty busy to me. Count yer blessings.

You have posted the replies of the "author" (assuming that is who actually wrote these, and that the author is not yourself already).

Not this again. I am real! I exist! Sadly.

Just what does the "youth of Australia" have to do with this situation?

My username. Apologies for not realizing you couldn't connect the two.

I doubt that anyone involved cares about the foul, twisted depravity of these "alternative" Doctor Who entries.

Well, YOU care about them enough to bitch.

(I use "alternative" in the same way that pedophiles and rapists have "alternative lifestyles" and am convinced that, if real, Campion is a very sick person).

I'm not the masochist checking out every single entry that makes me feel sickeningly ill.

Your lighthearted (?) denial of having never read the entries or knowing the author shows you have a higher moral standard than I'd thought. I urge you not to read that muck and delete it right away.

Where do you get off telling website owners how to live their lives?!

Whatever hold this "Ewen" has on you, you are your own person and do not have to put up more of his so-called material.

No blackmail involved. I assumed she enjoyed them. Others have. Unlike you, of course.

The "replies" are nothing more than brainless retorts of "So what?" that someone clearly finds so amusing as to inflict on the innocent public.

Well, the effort I put into retorts clearly shows how much I rate your opinions.

The author even agrees at the sheer paucity of their own imagination, unable to come up with a single original thought and just mock those that can!

Yeek. You think agreeing with a critic would get them off your back. How else does one parody stories, Andrew?

They actually believe that replacing Anglo-Saxan vulgarity with asterikses somehow makes this worthwhile and simply resorts to the old "If you don't find it funny there is something wrong with you"

Oh, I don't think you're wierd for not liking my work. Its the plethora of evidence you have given me that suggests you're wierd all around the clock and not liking my work is the sanest thing you've done.

and actually accuses me of WANTING to write such pornographic vulgarities

Your obvious relish of the phrase suggests I'm right.

(the constant pregnancy references made me physically ill at one point, with references to Charlie's bladder proving the last straw).

But... you kept reading. Besides, what was in the guide was nout compared to what really happened...

"Ewen's" claim that he is on speaking terms with Robert Shearman is clearly a bald-faced lie.

What makes you think that? If I was lying, surely the whole BF team would have OKd it and DWM was pestering me for rights to publish! Only one author has seen it - rather odd lie, surely!

How the author who can't even be googled can somehow get a fine writer like him (who is at present working hard on the new series of Doctor Who, remember?) is probably the funniest thing this foul-mouthed sicko has ever written!

More abuse. I'm glad I can make you laugh as you clearly know nothing of the Outpost Gallifrey opinion forum that Gary Russell, Rob Shearman, Steve Moffat and maybe even RTD have frequented. And give your last name so I can google YOU buster!

It narrowly beats the idea Shearman would actually be AMUSED at this garbage, which is a mixture of slander and abuse on the whole of Big Finish and loyal Who fandom!

Slander? Do you think TV Zone or something is going to stumble across my work and scream "Oh, my god! The truth at last!"? You think that they'd actually CARE full stop?

"Ewen's" insistance he likes Big Finish's work seems similar to the assassination of John Lennon by a psycho fan. An art critic burning the Mona Lisa. Heaven help the poor BF production "Ewen" DOESN'T like!

You clearly weren't paying attention during The Creed of the Kromon. Or Zagreus. Or anything with Nick Briggs.

Your own half-hearted replies (which seem to be "if all else fails, call Richard E Grant names") suggest you are trying to avoid taking sides. Clearly, you have realized the truth but this hold the author has over the content of your site is a strong one. Until I know more facts I cannot suggest a way of taking control of your own webpage - however, it seems "Ewen" is editing your remarks (more slander about Shearman and actors private lives or private LIES to be more accurate). I suggest you do not put up any more of his material for as long as possible. I pray that other visitors to your website will agree with my comments and post accordingly.

Bloody hell. A conspiracy nut. Who killed JFK, Andrew? Did the bad voices! That stuff about Shearman and Davison is not me and probably Sheep herself. You can't go round saying anything she says you don't like is just me being evil!

Finally, I came across this site while visiting the Doctor Who web guide and I was charmed by some of the insightful fan fiction. Your stance that Doctor Who can take self-mockery is sound (although can be taken too far by that oaf Tom Baker) these "alternative" guides are not mockery but out-and-out venom for a company that was instrumental in keeping Doctor Who alive.

They started in 1999. Don't you think the books might have helped?

The Big Finish crew are saints compared to "Ewen" and deserve far better treatment than they are given.

Treatment? You're suggesting I beat them up or something? Compared the reviews PROPER people damn them with, at least I'm consistant in taking the mickey out of a "parallel universe" version.

Amused as I was by your work, reading "The Enema Within" was the most baffling, pointless and agonizing things I choose to remember.

OOh! You edit your own memories! How very Natural History of Fear of you! Nice to know that you remain totally objective and conveniently forget everything that you don't want to. Why you haven't forgoten reading my work I don't know. Maybe you have and you accidentally keep reading them again...

Indeed, I have been trying to cope with this dross, wading through page after page of twisted quotes and double entrendros in the hope of finding something FUNNY. Something that made it worth putting these things up on your website. I have yet to focus on the Shalka parody, but I suspect it is this and only this that prompted you to add outside material to diysheep.tripod.com.!

It has clearly all got out of hand.

Your fellow bastion of Who and good taste,
Andrew (Proving I can take more criticism than some)

Ewen added something here that I thought I'd edit out in the pursuit of niceness.

 
EPISODE SIX: Everyone Goes Home
 

Clearly I have not made myself clear. Here I am, desperaturely trying to purge this low mediocre website of degenerate scum and I am simply laughed at. I tried to help, Sheep, I really did.

Goodbye forever!



Sheep waves mournfully and shouts Heathcliffe like over the moors 'Goodbye Andrew... goodbye'

 

And a big thankyou to Andrew for being the historic first 'hate mail' on the DIY Sheep versus Doctor Who. Your contribution will be valued highly for as long as the free website provider keeps the site up. Many thanks

 


 
 

Sir Nigel Anonymous takes the opportunity of the response form to reveal some personal information. Just like Kramer in that Seinfeld episode he is ‘not wearing any underwear’ and flying fancy free so to speak, as to maximize his ability to have offspring. Well I think Nigel should be applauded. Yes there are too many kids in the world today, but what the heck – what’s one more.

'I just wanted you to know that.'

 

Thanks Nige!

 

 

Moray is a man, or a woman, or a rabbit with remarkable literacy skills and access to the internet who doesn’t mince their words.

 

WARNING THE NEXT BIT IS A BIT RUDE:

 

‘Fuck’.

 

I don’t know if this is a direction, an invitation or just a general comment on life in general. But I do know that it rhymes with duck and I think this is important as ducks have been sadly overlooked in our modern day society. Many think it was Thomas Edison who invented the light bulb, but this is not so. It was in fact his pet duck Barney. Barney the duck was in fact a pioneer inventor of the 20th century and went on to invent the spork, spandex, and Martha Stewart.

 

Some may say Moray's comment was the result of far too much cooking sherry, however I disagree. I think it is just nice to see Doctor Who writers interacting with the fans. 

 

But 

 

But

dw060.jpg
Phoar! Sexy Doctor!

Rellan from a small blue green planet somewhere in the outer eastern rim of the galaxy says ‘I like your 'hello' pic. That's a very groovy t-shirt. And is that a kangaroo in the background?’

 

Yes Rellan. That is a kangaroo in the background. DIY hails from that mysterious country called Australia, where people ride Kangaroos to school through the streets of Sydney while hurtling prawns onto passing barbecues and singing Peter Allen songs.

 

And like that other famous Australian export, Dame Edna Everage, DIY Sheep has always been a devotee of the colour purple (didn’t mind the book either).

 

 

Sharla proves herself to be a very perceptive lass by her comment: ‘I think Mr. McGann is quite handsome. :)’. And isn’t she a respectful one too – Mr McGann indeed.

 

But she will get no argument from his multitude of fans – a lovely group of ladies called the ‘McGann Mafia’, who at the mere mention of anyone being mean about Our Paul will whip round and break a few limbs in the name of art. The Paul – MOB can be found at this address… http://p092.ezboard.com/bthemcgannlibrary48661, but mind you don’t say anything nasty about the Doctor Who telemovie on that web site or it’s cement booties for you. This site is also a great place to meet girls, especially if you have a passing resemble to Paul McGann.

 

 

Chee’s comment shows that he is looking to the future, not the past: ‘I rather think Mr. Eccleston will be a good 9th Doctor.’ (Mr Eccleston! Aren’t the kiddies polite nowadays?).

 

And I’m sure that the lovely Chris and his remarkable ears will all do the tradition of Doctor Who proud. Prince Charles also had rather remarkable ears and look at how well he turned out… oh dear – best forget about that one loves.

 

But hasn’t everyone put their two cents in about the new series…

 

‘Oh it won’t be as good as the Tom Baker years.’

 

‘Why oh why didn’t they get Paul back.’

 

‘Well all it appears to be about so far is some blue midgets trying to take over a department store in Wales.’

 

Etc, etc…

 

But I thought we needed to get an expert opinion on this strange new Doctor. I interview the Doctor’s old friend and sometime lover Iris Wildtyme.

 

INTERVIEWER: Hello Iris.

 

IRIS: Hello Chuck.

 

INTERVIEWER: So you have known the Doctor for many years.

 

IRIS: That I have Chuck. I ‘ave known him from way back – if you get

my drift.

 

INTERVIEWER: And what do you think of this latest incarnation.

 

IRIS: Well I have to say that I did fancy that last one. All velvety and

‘tactile’, if you know what I mean. But this one, with that skin head

haircut and that dead sexy leather jacket looks all dangerous and

doable in a rough trade sort of way.

 

INTERVIEWER: Yes, but do you think he will have the universe

saving abilities and more importantly will he be able to get the

ratings?

 

IRIS: Oh who cares love. As long as he’s got a waterbed and some

five dimensional chocolate sauce.

 

 

Erunor appears to be an individual after my own heart.

 

“I have seen the sheep...

(No, seriously, I had this vision, where there was this sheep, and... (well, it bounced))”

 

Yes Erunor, sheep often appear to people in visions. In fact many a time the image of a sheep has been found in a tortea.

 

“How the hell did the Doctor Who/Sheep connection evolve?”

 

Ah, yes. Many a time I have been asked this question. What you want me to answer it?

 

Well many years ago somewhere southwest of Brigadoon, Tasmainia there was a little sheep in a purple jumper. He lived in the big paddock with all his little sheepie friends. All the sheepie friends would wander around the paddock, nibbling grass and looking for holes in the fence to climb through. But not the little sheep in the purple jumper. He wanted to implement economic reform according to strict capitalist principles, abolish public services like welfare and the public hospital system and sell off public owned utilities and then blame the whole mess on unwed teenage mothers. He dreamed of a day when even water would be privatized.

 

So one day the little sheep packed two jam sandwiches in a handkerchief and set off for the big smoke. He found a small milk crate and stood on top of it and began to tell people of his theories. Day after day he stood on his box espousing tougher penalties for parole violators and more funding for casinos, but no body listened. They thought he was another crackpot.

 

So one day the little sheep had a good idea. He went to find the biggest boss of the biggest newspaper and showed him a photograph that his uncle Errol had given him many years ago. The biggest boss took one look at the photograph and immediately gave the little sheep a column in his newspaper. And now when the little sheep says its all the fault of the bleeding heart liberals and the nig nogs and the unwed mothers everybody listens.

 

“Or are you just another crazy Dr Who fan (like me, I suppose)”

 

No nuttier than Tom Baker I suppose.

 

“Thanks for making the world a brighter place for those of us who are seriously deprived of entertainment(mean to say I don't have no sat dish and can't watch DW anymore)”

 

As Jon Nathan Turner used to say before he would hit Sylvester McCoy over the head with a brick – ‘bless’.

 

But my advice to you is to do what I do. Combine a little ambition, ingenuity and a powerful high speed connection and steal it off the net. For years I didn't realise Big Finish actually was a company. I just thought it was a subsidary of Bear Share.