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Serial 8N - Vogon Cutaway
Thirteenth Entry in the EC Unauthorized Program Guide O' Pathetic Freebies


D O C T O R W H O

Serial 8N - Vogon Cutaway -

The TARDIS materializes in Sydney the night of the opening ceremony of the 2000 Olympic Games. The Doctor and Charley, despite having detected an interspatial disturbance in the main stadium, are far more interested in getting tacky Olympic merchandise so that they can jump forward six years and sell it at profit. On the way back to the TARDIS, the Doctor and Charley encounter two Vogons - Captain Steptow and his subordinate, Sonn - doing a survey to demolish the stadium for a proposed cyberspace by-pass. The Doctor points out that cyberspace is not a physical realm and would work just as well leaving the Stadium as is. The Vogons reply that they get a real kick out of smashing up sport stadiums and only need the slightest excuse.

Unable to defeat this peculiar logic, the Doctor and Charley return to the TARDIS and leave. Suddenly, two ragged looking Vogons appear, insisting that the destruction of the Olympic Stadium will release a huge pulse of inverse nuetrons that will ultimately make all other stadiums impervious to Vogon attack. The two newcomers are Steptow and Sonn from this horrible future, who have traveled back in time to change the course of universal history. Sonn believes this immediately, dismantles the bombs and heads off home.

Steptow is suspicious that, having changed time that the future Vogons haven't immediately dispersed into chronons, but the future Steptow insists that Sonn will now become a historic hero as he is attending a poetry slam and will easily win if Steptow is not there to beat him. Steptow replies that he hates poetry, but by a curious twist of fate most Vogons are brilliant at talents they hate, and thus concludes that this is the right course of action and heads off after Sonn.

The two Vogons remove their heads - it's the Doctor and Charley, who congratulate each other on their acting talents and suggest that a bit more dressing up might be fun. The Doctor mocks the Vogons for believing that they had ANY kind of impact in ANY kind of history. At that moment, the whole stadium blinks out of existence and Earth is rendered a barren wasteland.

"Ain't that a bitch?" Charley sighs.

Book(s)/Other Related –
Doctor Who & The Opening Ceremony
Football Is A Funny Old Game by Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz
The Truth Behind Fatso The Fat-Arsed Wombat

Fluffs - Paul McGann seemed unAustralian during this story.

I'm sorry, how can anyone be threatened by aliens with French accents?

Goofs -
I'm pretty certain I would have noticed the causal nexus around Homebush. Or at least Roy and HG would have.

It seems to have escaped Big Finish's attention that this WASN'T a one episode story, but episode one of a story that they never got round to recording episodes two, three and four??


Fashion Victims –
Charley's Olympic-Ringed "Baby On Board" T-shirt

We see the Doctor keeps two sets of Vogon outfits robes amongst some leather, chains, gingham dresses and a schoolgirl uniform. Normally, this wouldn't bother me, but they've all been tailored to the Doctor's vital statistics.

Technobabble –
"The moment the disturbance expands outward, the finkydons will react with the pre-stabilized molecular atavisms! The subsequent irwoof pulses will split the Negative Creetalong Barrier and flood the atmosphere of this planet with Z-beams of hitherto-impossible delboytrotter rays!"
"And this means?"
"You are SO screwed."

Links and References -
The Doctor complains that he was beaten by Charley's embryo at a game of Mortal Kombat II.

Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor was the one driving that golf-cart that demolished the Olympic closing ceremony. Hah, I bet you thought it was scripted, huh?

Groovy DVD Extras -
A sequence where the Doctor lights a cigarette as he passes the Olympic torch to Cathy Freeman.

Dialogue Disasters -

Charley: Oooh, do I have to dress up as a nun again?

Sonn: Nice threllips, lady!
Charley: Doctor, what are threllips?
Doctor: Oh, a slang word for norks.
Charley: Doctor, what are norks?
Doctor: Oh, a slang word for tits.
Charley: Doctor, what are tits?
Doctor: Oh, a slang word for boobs.
Charley: Doctor, what are boobs?
Doctor: A slang word for your mammary glands.
Charley: Doctor, what are --
Doctor: THEY'RE BREASTS, RIGHT! BREASTS! THE TWO BIG WOBBLY THINGS THAT GIRLS HAVE ON THEIR FRONTS! THE THINGS THAT GO INTO BRAS! CHRIST, I LOVE THE DAMN THINGS!!!!!


Dialogue Triumphs -

Doctor: Well, here they are, Homo Sapiens. Hairy, smelly creatures with no dress sense.
Steptow: Um, do they have the three working orifices?
Doctor: Sure. Why else do we hang around this planet?

Doctor: My god, we're stuck in a temporal paradox!
Charley: Doctor, what's a temporal paradox?
Doctor: A slang word for a causal hiccup.
Charley: Doctor, what's a causal hiccup?
Doctor: Oh, no, not again!

Steptow: What on Earth does that do?
Doctor: It's a door.

UnQuotable Quote -

Charley: Ow! Oo! Stupid baby! It's kicking my bladder like its Rodney King!

Viewer Quotes -

"Another freebie from those good people at Doctor Who Magazine and Big Finish - and I like that very much!"
- Cheapskate Who Won't Subscribe (2003)

"The idea of bulk-buying genuine Olympic merchandise to resale at a profit is evil, immoral, and despicable. It cuts right at the heart of the Australian soul, making a mockery of 200 years of Federation and the idea of a fair go. It is the most sinister and degrading concept I have ever witnessed in my life. Why the hell didn't I think of it first?" - Andrew Beeblebrox (2003)


"It might be fun to see Charley's threllips again. Hahahahahaahah. "Might". Who am I kidding?" - Nigel Verkoff (2004)

Psychotic Nostalgia -
"I gave birth to a pterodactyl once. It's not something I like to brag about but, you know, I'm pretty proud of Angus. He's cheap to feed, too - only sixteen hamsters an hour. Who could resist that, huh?"

Paul McGann Speaks!
"Ah, Australia! The wide brown land of the free, the sun-drenched country of gum trees and wombats; the Harbor Bridge, the Opera House, the Botanical Gardens, King's Cross. A land of peace, culture, democracy, tolerance and love. Oh, how I hate the place."

Trivia -
In the muppet sci-fi extravaganza Farscape, it is frequently suggested that Vorgon urine makes wonderful cocktail beverages.

Rumors & Facts -
Don't ask.

Please.