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Serial 8D - Sick Morning
Third Entry in the EC Unauthorized Program Guide O' Tough Love

D O C T O R W H O

Serial 8D - Sick Morning -

Left alone in the TARDIS, the Doctor is catching up on his reading of various cheap porn novels and the zero-gravity karma sutra. However, he is distracted when the police box lands on an icy wasteland where baby seals are being clubbed to death by hunters for their fur. The only possible defense the seals have against their enemies is that frankly irritating look they give you just before you smash their skulls open. The Doctor is all for joining in, but when his victim, Serge, wails that his parents have been brutally murdered, the Doctor finds himself on the receiving end of a submachine gun. The Time Lord meekly explains he is just a passing time traveler incognito and that all the other fun-loving mass-murdering mammal-bashers are to blame. Serge goes mad, seeing everyone before him as the cruel patricidal/matricidal/homicidal lunatic and thus, kills every single one of them. Finally, to make sure that he's got the bastard, Serge turns on the Doctor...

Part One - Sick Morning

After a frankly pathetic title sequence showing a doodled police box swinging backwards and forwards to the sound of Tarzan's jungle calls, we find the Doctor has bought his life from Serge in return for taking Serge away from this lethal land of clubbing and raving. The Doctor points out that no one in his right mind would want to leave a world of clubbing and raving until Serge points out a) the clubbing refers to seals; b) the raving refers to lunatics doing the clubbing; and c) he is out of his mind, so watch out, BUSTER!!!

The Doctor takes Serge aboard the TARDIS for a holiday and sets controls for one of the few holiday cruises he has not ruined with his presence on countless occasions in different (and, sometimes, the same) body. According to his diary, it is The Titanic on its maiden voyage and the Doctor is troubled at that vaguely familiar reference to Earth history. After brooding about it for five hours, he decides he's probably mixing it up with The BRITTANIC and he and Serge stride out of the TARDIS - the latter mucking about with his pouch to make them bigger on the inside and stuffing them with grenades.

The Doctor still finds the ship naggingly familiar and meets a man who looks suspiciously like Ben Elton. When the Doctor asks him why the Titanic is so famous, Elton suggests that God knows but he won't tell anyone else. The Doctor remembers from the tattoo on his left buttock that the Answer to Life, the Universe and Everything is 42. Stumped as to how this can help, the Doctor decides this is a CLUE - the answer is in the 42nd cabin of the Titanic, do you see?? The Doctor bursts into the cabin and finds a Sowth Efricen man called Wishbone who tells him to piss off as he's got really rather urgent things to do with the young steward in his bed. When the Doctor suggests a bit of a threesome, Wishbone screams he is the main character from A Tale of Two Cities (but he refuses to name himself) and that the Doctor can go suck on a hamster before they'll sleep together.

Put off, the Doctor wanders off and tries to find Serge. Serge seems that the kindly old man in a deck-chair looks uncannily like the tall, long-haired figure in Edwardian clothes he was sure killed his parents. A psychotic episode comes and goes, and a cliffhanger is bluntly inserted between violence and destruction. The resolution, in true Republican style, shows the cliffhanger never happened, so the Doctor and Serge wander off to get sloshed.

Part Two - The Telephone Massacre

In the bar of the Titanic, Serge spots the Chief Steward and is about to gun down who he thinks might be responsible for the death of his family. However, not even Serge's hallucinations can work out if he is about to kill a man or a woman. The Doctor defuses the situation and leads Chief Stewards Barbara the Transsexual out of danger. Barbara explains hir is looking for a missing crewman, a young man called Charley. The Doctor agrees to help hir search, explaining directly to camera that, even though there are hundreds of crewmembers aboard the Titanic, if one leaves their place of duty for too long, a terrible disaster could happen. Barbara fears that the ship could go out of control and strike an iceberg, but the Doctor simply bitch-slaps hir and tells hir to lighten the hell up.

The Doctor forgets all about this important plot point 2.3 seconds after he finishes a beer and thus finds himself heading around, looking for a toilet. The only one in order is engaged - mainly because of the blimpish Lord Woolworth is stuck in their with a young man answering to the name of Charley. The Doctor, watching this sheer homosexual perversion for six minutes suddenly remembers just what the Titanic is famous for - striking an iceberg and sinking. Woolworth, determined to avoid this catastrophe, squeezes out of the toilet and runs for the poop deck - sadly, his bowel complaint makes this name horrifically apt. Meanwhile, the Doctor begins to reprimand Charley for wantonly endangering others in the search of a quick shag, but rapidly realizes he has no moral high ground in this particular battle. Depressed beyond all measure, he begins to sing every Bob Dylan song he knows...

Part Three - The Kiss of Charley

This cliffhanger ending is resolved by Charley kissing him to shut him up - she is, in fact, a busty blonde with a fetish for disguises and is all but finished sleeping her way through the crew. Just turned sixteen, she is determined to make up for nearly two decades of nun-like activity. The Doctor, reminded of his own centuries of sexual frustration, decides to see how close he can come to dying of sex without going the full way. Events really hit a standstill until the beginning of part 4, wherein the shagged-out, dazed Doctor tries to pay attention while the insatiable Charley continues her quest to sleep with more people than the Doctor - ah, ain't she cute?

Meanwhile, Woolworth and Wishbone try to make a happy ending by making more space in the lifeboats. Together with Serge, they achieve this simply by killing everyone they meet, including the Ben Elton-lookalike who manages one last nob gag before meeting his maker. The Doctor drunkenly tries to point out that they have screwed up history, rather, and that the Titanic is now so light there's no way it could just accidentally bump into an iceberg and crash.

Serge acknowledges this point calmly, shoots Woolworth and Wishbone dead, screams abuse at the captain and pilots the ocean liner straight for the nearest iceberg, screaming "FREEDOM! I am a DONUT! FREEDOM! I AM a donut! FREEDOM!" in a falsetto voice...

Part Four - On The Rocks

At the last minute, Charley takes Serge from behind and the Doctor is given a chance to warn the seals, penguins and polar bears to get the hell out of the way. Using the Titanic's life-boats, the wildlife escape safely. The Doctor and Serge relax in a nice sort of warm feeling as they run for their miserable lives towards the TARDIS as the ship sinks around them. Once safe and sound, they watch the DVD of Titanic and laugh evilly.

Serge decides to hang around and fire his machine gun into the survivors, the Doctor spots Charley looking as green as a Pertwee extra and decides the slut must have caught an STD. But did she pass it onto him? Terrified of his social standing amongst the Time Lords dipping below that of Michael Jackson's latest public affairs ploy, the Doctor hauls her aboard and checks her over before giving her a thorough-going medical with the TARDIS's advanced surgical unit which comprises of a bottle of medicinal alcohol and a nurse's hat.

Charley doesn't have an STD.

She's PREGNANT!
 
Book(s)/Other Related -
Doctor Who and Mr. Iceberg Get It On
Doctor Mysterio Pregnancy Test ia Positiv!
"Some Paradoxes To Avoid" by JFK (1997)


Fluffs - Paul McGann seemed darned fertile for this story.

"Oh, Christ. This IS in the script, isn't it?" the Doctor demands just before the final credits roll.

"OH MY HAIRY ARSE!" screams a passenger in episode two for no apparent reason.

Goofs –
The Doctor's copy of Karma Sutra has the last page missing, leading him to despair he will never know how to come properly. However, it has been proved more than enough throughout his life that he can manage it all-too-easily.

One of Charley's aliases is John Prescot. This is just wrong - and not just from a historical perspective, either.

The Answer To Life, the Universe And Everything is actually 47.

At one stage in part one, the Titanic splits into two and sinks. However, the next time we see it, it is fine and dandy.

The Doctor doubts that his sinking of the Titanic will be noticed by anyone at all - despite the fact he has been watching the movie on the TARDIS' DVD player when the story starts.

Frailing wonders what Charley looks like naked. For the love of Led Zeppelin, are you blind? She's never fully dressed in the whole damn SERIES of Doctor Who and this guy doesn't notice. What? Does he think that her naked body resembled full radiation armor or something?

Fashion Victims –
Everyone on the Titanic is wearing clothes that not even the Dynasty wardrobe department would dare consider wearable.
Notable are the mandatory capes, high necklines and strange barbed wire shoulder pads, Woolsworth's bat wings, Wishbone's studded leather suit and Charley's luminous underwear.

Technobabble –
"Oh, Wishbone, you FOOL! You've inversed the trajectory of the iceberg flow! Have you any IDEA about the chaos you've unleashed?"
"Yes."
"Oh. Well. Fair enough."

Links and References -
The Doctor compares Charley to Rose - not the character from Titanic but his future companion Rose Tyler ("Boy, I got to FIFTH base with her before I even found out about it!"). The Doctor also mentions the last time he indulged himself so much (The Tense Planet) he ended up roggered to death, with a new face and believing himself to be a penguin. Charley wants to 'top' that. He gets her to dress her up as one of the Robots With Breasts.

Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor reminisces again about the month-long sexcapades he enjoyed with Mary Shelly, Lord Byron and a bucket of fish. He screams 'Geronimo!' regularly throughout the adventure, and mentions picking up tips from John Lennon. He has met several Efricens and thinks they are weirder than the lobster people from Venus. The last time he saw a pregnancy testing kit, he thought it was a paddle-pop (which led to some very disgusting misunderstandings).

Groovy DVD Extras -
An edited scene where Charley notes that the TARDIS is bigger on the inside than it is on the outside. Why this vital plot point was cut out of the finished product remains a complete mystery to this day.
 
Dialogue Disasters -

Doctor: It's like I say - if I remember my Earth history correctly, the Titanic
set sail on her maiden voyage...
Charley: Yes, and?
Doctor: ...and... Look, who gives a **** about this?! Fancy a shag?

Woolworth: I need you, Frayling. Your Prime Minister needs you. Your King and your country need you to be stout, dependable and strong! Now, where is the whipped cream, anyway?

Doctor: Breath in deep, Charley. You feel that pounding in your heart, that tightness in the pit of your stomach, the blood rushing to your head? Do you know what that is? Neither do I. Maybe we shouldn't shag in such confined spaces from now on...

Charley: How To Be A Complete Slut, by Charlotte Eh Bah Gum Pollard. Chapter One. First, find a cruise ship full of uptight gits, lower your standards, and wheh-hey!

Doctor: They're breaking through! They're... Damn these cheap condoms! Damn them.

Doctor: There are a million planets circling a million suns, Charley, where the starlight makes colours that human eyes have never seen.
Charley: Yes, but why's this pregnancy test green?

Dialogue Triumphs -

The first meeting between a Time Lord and his new bitch -
Doctor: If you said I had an extremely beautiful body, would you rub up against me?
Charley: ...Yes. Yes, I would.
Doctor: I'm the Doctor by the way.
Charley: I'm Charlotte, Charlotte Pollard. "Nurse" to my friends.

The new Doctor's catchphrase -
Doctor: Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid... Um, what was I talking about again?

Charley: Well, I'm quite nauseous, my breasts are swollen, I vomit every morning, I swear I'm getting fatter and I haven't had a period for three months.
Doctor: Interesting symptoms. Tonsillitis, do you think?

Serge: Oh, my god that's disgusting! What do they teach you at band camp these days, anyway?

Doctor: I am a master of the karma sutra - and most other things before you ask. Maybe I could give you a demonstration...?

UnQuotable Quote -

Doctor: Incredible. Leonardo DiCaprio drowning. And again. And again! DAMN IT, I LOVE DVDS!!!
 
Viewer Quotes -

"Sick Morning holds something of a unique position in Doctor Who canon. It occurs between the telemovie and Bored of Ironing like no other story I can think of."
- The Whovention 2003 Stater Of The Completely Freaking Obvious again

"I think I was misrepresented in Sick Morning, because I've never to my knowledge... Wait a minute! IT WAS YOU! Hahahahaha! Publish this in obituaries! The best ink is blood! Deadline approaching!"
- Serge, when killing my interviewer (2003)

"Wishbone was a terrible depiction of the Australian mentality. We will decide who we will throw overboard in this country, not let some Time Lord from Guilford do it for us!"
- John Howard (2003)

"Something of a mid-air collision."
- Nigel Hawthorne on the Eighth Doctor and Charley's first sexual positions (2000)

"Serge the little seal cub
He liked to laugh and play
And frolic with his family
In a land so far away
But trappers killed his parents
Serge was saved by a hair's breadth
By the Doctor, the film industry critic
Of death!"
- album "My Day With An Amoral, Over-Fertile Gallifreyan" (2001)

"Unlike The Enema Within, this is defining Doctor Who: Part One introduces the main characters and has them shag each other; Part Two becomes more interested in the adventures of a psychotic sea-bound mammal; Part Three is heavy on sex, and this is no bad thing, requiring less concentration on the part on the viewer. I liked Part Four the best; the story returns to Charley concluding with a scene as chilling as if you were consigned to death to make history all right again: the results of Charley's all-over body examination (which was so cool). The questions posed in the audience's mind are intriguing ones - who is the busty blonde shagging the crew? Just what sexuality is Barbara? And how the Doctor and Charley escape the fate of breeding a creature not entirely unlike Sil the Mentor?"
- Andrew Beeblebrox (2000)

"Pregnant?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" - Homer Simpson (2000)

"The production of Sick Morning is flawless. It's everything ELSE that sucks. I mean, I love doors being knocked down by copulating couples, seals pumping bullets into passers-by, monsters growling from the shadows and the TARDIS being thrown off large cruise ships. God, I'm the target demographic for crying out loud! Maybe I hate it just because I can't take part? Either way, this story leaves me aroused and frustrated simultaneously and everyone involved deserves a good kick up the arse."
- David Brent (2001)

"There's really a boat called the Titanic? Wow! Doctor Who IS real!"
- Paris Hilton (2011)

"Respectable Doctor Who reviewers have dismissed the first full story starring Paul McGann as the Doctor with a script specifically written for that incarnation as being of no significance whatsoever. And they're right. Who cares? We have Charley! She is only reason to watch it, and the best defense to anyone who dares ask, 'What's so good about this Doctor Who crap anyway?' She's got terminal nymphomania and, judging by the reaction to Sick Morning, it's infectious. The last few minutes of episode four have me further aroused. But come on - the Doctor's the one person in the story that USES protection and is supposed to get her up the duff? That's either very bad scripting or very bad karma... Yes, Charley is a nice addition to the mythology. Or, to be completely accurate, the mythology is a nice addition to Charley."
- Nigel Verkoff (2003)

"I'm with Serge the Seal; cut this Doctor and you smell warm bull****."
- Daphne Ashbrook (2005)

"Wishbone's one of those horrible wankers that crops up every now and again, someone with sod all to like about him. His accent is laughably bad. He is racist, sexist, rude, arrogant and nasty. How I wish he was the Foreign Affairs Minister."
- Mark Latham (2004)

Psychotic Nostalgia -
"Oh, yeah! Charley. Now we're into the good stuff. Oh, yes, indeedy. Sweet, sweet candy! But watching the Doctor - SHUT UP, YOU STRANGE PERSON! You're distracting me from Charley! I've eaten embryos for less, you know. Wanna see my scar?"

Paul McGann Speaks!
"I can't honestly say I'm surprised to be playing Doctor Who again. There's a kind of perverse sort of logic to it - playing a randy Gallifreyan going through an eighth childhood has to be the single most ridiculous role that I have ever been asked to play. Therefore, I end up signing up to this cult for life. Except most cults have some interesting sidelines and generally are less scary than those nutters in scarves. I remember saying to Gay Russell the day we recorded Sick Morning, "So when are we doing the next series?" Many people mistake that for enthusiasm or enjoyment. I was actually hoping he'd tell me and I'd say, "Oh, no! I'm fully booked up then. Oh dear, what a pity, never mind, is that the exit behind you?" But the runt's amazing perceptive and just kept saying, "I'll explain later" like he was quoting Oscar bloody Wilde. Now, I'm stuck here. I thought Whitnail and I was total ****e, but this is much more degrading. It makes a mockery of the acting profession and I have to thank Doctor Who for slow, disease-ridden death of my career. Thank you so very much."

India Fisher Speaks!
"I can honestly say that all of the characters I've played so far, Charley is my favorite. Mainly because I don't so much play the part as just be myself. Luckily, a lot of British laws don't cover fictional characters or the things they do. I know what I want and I go out and get it with little regard for anyone else's safety or opinions. You see, for Charley and I, the orgasm is paramount. We immediately recognize the same lust for life and sense of insanity in the Doctor. Here is a man who has seen body parts and molested secretaries in places you could only dream about until now. I think it's her ability to seduce things at a moment's notice and not be fazed by them that I love about her. She just wants to **** it all - the bigger they thing get, the better she enjoys them. Charley Pollard. India Fisher. Is there a difference?"

Gareth Thomas [A.K.A Roj "The Cabin Boy" Blake] Speaks!
"I thought it was about time I did a Doctor Who, ten years after it stopped being made by the BBC, and was left in the hands of a bunch of wide-eyed, question-mark clad psychotics. But at least it's better than Blake's 7. I never expected it to be quite so much of a sex-marathon. I don't think I've enjoyed a blowjob as much in years! Well, there was that time with Jeremy Brett, but we both agreed that that particular night NEVER happened..."

Trivia -
The opening credits of this season were just plain crap.
 
Rumors & Facts -
"The Enema Within" hadn't wowed America - indeed, it had disturbed America quite badly and aroused it even more, but it seemed that Doctor Who was not welcome in the States, perhaps for fear of repeating the disaster of the TV Movie, perhaps for fear it wouldn't. The option held by the co-production partners BBC and Universal were quickly sold up for a Happy Meal and it would be up to a completely different team of optimistic weirdoes to try and make a new series.

Sadly, it did.

Deep down, no-one really thought that Paul McGann would be stupid enough to play the Eighth Doctor again. But he did. So there. Of course, signals from the actor had been mixed with the aid of the latest Liverpuddlian synthesizing equipment to keep the fans guessing but, more importantly, at arms' length as he tried to live his life. After the seemingly combined debut and swansong of the TV Movie, McGann remarks he didn't mind losing out at Doctor Who, and was indeed quite relieved that things hadn't worked out. He was however passionate that there was a future of Doctor Who, more specifically, one without him in it. Later that same day, he held a press conference announcing his intention to retire from Doctor Who permanently, and sarcastically wished luck to his unfortunate successor. For a while it looked like the Eighth Doctor would be a one-off, blink-and-you-miss him incarnation but McGann petitioned strongly that even THIS was a bit self-indulgent and anyone who really cared would burn the master tapes of the movie and retconn him out of existence forever.

Although any sensible actor would have had similar views in this situation, the fact that McGann's agent was Janet Fielding (who regularly planted bombs at DWAS meetings) had made him sign in blood that he wouldn't fall for any tricks by the production team: mythical loads of cash, his own costume choices, intelligent scripts, jelly... It would be lies! All lies! So when Big Finish approached McGann they were promptly arrested for stalking and a restraining order placed on them, which would ultimately make recording the new adventures with McGann extremely difficult and awkward. However, when Janet Fielding mysteriously disappeared, leaving only a farewell note to McGann saying "Paul, I am the Mara! Do not resist!", negotiations between parties began once again.

McGann was told he would be given enough cash to buy the Outer Hebrides, choose the colour scheme for his costume, scripts written on computer and three bowls of Airplane Jelly in any flavor he so desired. Two sample scripts, The Stoner's Lagoon and Doctor Who Strangles Encyclopedia Salesmen For Fun And Profit were handed over, with the promise of a story featuring an orgy on a sailing boat and an appearance by the Brigadier. After swearing on a copy of 'The Making of Doctor Who' by Terrance Dicks that the latter two ideas would not be related, McGann agreed on the condition he could have total script input. Taken aback when they agreed, McGann allowed himself to be taken to the production offices to record the script specially suited to his demands, The Stoned of Venice. McGann promptly announced he never wanted ANY kind of editorial control over Doctor Who again and was tricked into signing a contract for another three seasons of adventures. Immediately, a new theme tune was composed, a new cover style for Doctor Who merchandise was drawn up, and the logo redesigned. Such was the efficiency of Big Finish it led some to believe that the production office had actually been invaded by one of the show's various alien menaces.

McGann was partially mollified by the presence of India Fisher, who then made him COMPLETELY mollified and filmed the whole thing for blackmail purposes. So impressed was Alan Barnes, that he offered her the part of the new companion, Charley Pollard, right away. India Fisher, who is regularly spotted emerging from Taiwanese establishments being paid lots of money, was on the shortlist, but her unique... um, talents, led to her becoming 'the obvious choice'. "She's fantastic - everything comes exactly as I imagined," he boasted, while India herself said that making Doctor Who stories was like "inserting a bee's nest into one's genitals - a brilliant experience, but only if you know exactly what you're doing."

The character of Charley was inspired by the nude scenes in Titanic, The Crying Game and the S&M daughter in An Inspector Calls. She was quite tightly outlined and was designed to be an extraordinary person in ordinary circumstances - full of tricks, gimmicks and, indeed, some cast members. Originally, it was decided to save time, effort and piss off the fans by making The Stoned of Venice the first story of the season, cutting out any crap introducing Charley and freeing up the creative processes of the writers. This would imply there were lots of unseen adventures together. Ultimately, both of these unseen adventures would be screened directly before it for the simple reason that absolutely no one wanted Charley to in ANY way resemble Melanie Bush.

Thus, the third story of the season, an emission by Alan Barnes titled Revenge of the Titanic Nightmare Zone 3: Close Encounters of The Kinky Bitch Kind, was adapted to bridge The Enema Within with... well, itself. Barnes was intrigued by the air of great tragic romances, vast projects, men with dreams, and auras of invincibility - all of which was compacted down to thirty seconds in the third episode when the Doctor discovers that the condom broke. Barnes also refused point blank to alter the loose plot of gratuitous sex scenes but agreed to insert ludicrously long speeches for McGann during the afterglows. As such he has as many lines in each of the four episodes as in his long-running sitcom Fish, though admittedly most of the lines consist of "Oh, Christ, that's it, baby! Yee-ha! I'm the Master of the World!"

Rationally, I really shouldn't commend this story. The storyline stops dead for episode three, and the resolutions are fairly unsatisfying (ooh, will the Titanic sink??) we all know the Doctor will escape too, as he is appearing in the next twelve episodes, and the closing dilemma with Charley's fate left me cold and confused the first time I heard it. I now realize that the CD player was broken, which is why everyone was talking backwards. It's difficult to put a finger on what Alan Barnes could have done to improve the narrative as it is - but I have a sneaking suspicion that a mass-murdering seal pup could have had something to do with it. There is also the small matter that Sick Morning contradicts every other Doctor Who story, suggesting that the Time Lord is, in fact, a virgin in every sense. Come on, people!

On the other hand, there is Charley.

India Fisher is one of Big Finish's best catches from their roving mobs of rabid fans as they search the countryside for attractive teenagers with weak ankles. It is impossible to not get wrapped up in Charley's thighs as every character in the story discovers - what a babe! And Sick Morning leaves open the clearly troubling question of Charley's pregnancy which is given a thorough follow up in later stories. Sadly, the end result isn't as half interesting as the Doctor's fears what his bastard child may look like.

Response to Sick Morning was universally positive, praising writer, director, actors, Paul McGann, India Fisher, India Fisher, special effects, India Fisher, the 'We Like Killing Small Furry Things' subplot, India Fisher and, of course, India Fisher. There is a small group of Doctor Who fans who use it to induce vomiting when swallowing poisonous substances, believing Paul McGann is the worst actor they have ever seen and should they ever meet in an informal situation, beat the living crap out of him. However, they have said this about every actor to take the role since 1963, and hated Professor Quatermass before the show had even started. No-one listens to these people because - deep down - they just want Charley. They just can't admit it, like the rest of the human race.