DIY Sheep versus Doctor Who and everybody else

those wacky quacks

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Lein presents his super spiffing spoof of The Five Doctors.

Along time ago, in the year of our lord, nineteen hundred and ninety-three AD, the world was celebrating the 30th anniversary of Doctor Who.  It was during that year I saw the 15-minute special for charity “Dimensions in Time,” and I was forever scared.  Well, they also happened to be showing a Dr. Who marathon on TV at the time called “The Best of Dr. Who!”  Where they counted down the top 10 most popular stories from Dr. 1 through to Dr. 7.

Then, they got to number 1, which also just happened to be, “The Five Doctors.”  I couldn’t believe it.  I never knew it ever existed.  I grabbed a box of popcorn, a rum & coke, and wedged my arse into the couch for a prolonged stay!

It was after it was over, that things got hazy.  Very hazy.  No, really I mean that.  A fog bank rolled in that night. 

To describe this movie, I'm going to give you an analogy. It's Christmas morning. You see this giant, wonderfully wrapped box with your name on it. You're all excited. Unfortunately, the only thing inside it is 4 giant bags of horseshit.

Point? It was awesome to find this movie, but once I watched it, I realized the anticipation far outweighed the utter pile of crap the 20th Anniversary Special for Doctor Who actually was. I had a long history for buying the most boring, horrible movies ever, but this one takes the cake. And I own Operation Burma, so that's saying something. This movie isn't just bad, it's bad to the point where it's surreal.

10 years later, the Five Doctors finally came out on DVD, and I was all excited again, why?  Because this was the ‘Special Edition,’ and I figured that It might be an improvement.  Boy was I in for a surprise.  Same old story, same old stupid plot holes, only this time it had a few updated special effects.  After a blinked at the screen a few times, I pulled my arse out of the nicely formed wedge from the couch, and sitting down at my computer, I thought about the whole f***ing thing, and started making jokes about this and that to a chartroom pal.  He laughed at them and said that’d make a great story. 

Then, one dark and cold and stormy night, I jumped from my bed, and hit my head on the desk.  After I’d finished reciting every swear word known to man, I then sat down at my computer and started typing.  The result is what you see before you.  Those Wacky Quacks.  Enjoy!!

Summary: Here it is, ladies and gentlemen! Possibly the ONLY spoof of the bizarre 20th anniversary special for Dr. Who, ‘The Five Doctors.’ It should be advised that any humour you may glean from this story will be purely coincidental.


Disclaimer: As Jud Crandall once said in Stephen King’s ‘Pet Cemetery’: “What you own will come back to you.” Seeing as how no characters from Dr. Who have turned up on my doorstep in recent times I think I can safely assume that I don’t own them.


Before we begin, let’s have a prologue to this saga, staring our dearly departed, William Hartnell:


We are first faced with nothing but a blank screen. After a second or two this is replaced with a close up of William


Hartnell’s ugly mug. He is speaking into a log terminal.


Dr.1 (really deep voice): Hunnnnnnhhh…in the great big boom voice world of my life, it doesn’t get more boomsome than this…


Voice: Uh…sir? The camera’s on…


Dr.1: WHAT?! Can you erase what I just said?


Voice: I’m afraid not.




Ready? Then let’s begin!


Chapter 1: The Five Doctors (Minus One)


We open up in a barren land that looks a lot like a rock quarry in Wales, with a huge scary looking tower in the distance. We then shift inside the tower, where the halls are dark, forbidding, and abandoned. We see numerous shots of empty halls. Fading from one location to the next, until we see a shot of the backstage area, where a man and woman are kissing passionately on a large desk.


Voice (Angry): I SAID SWITCH TO CAMERA 8, NOT 14!!!



Meanwhile, outside the TARDIS…


Dr.5: Well, I’m back from my not-at-all pointless fishing trip at the Eye of Orion. But for the life of me, I can’t help


feeling I’ve forgotten something though…


Cut to the forest to show Turlough half buried under a fallen tree.


Turlough: HELP!


Cut back to Dr.5.


Dr.5: Meh. I’m sure it’s nothing.


Dr.5 enters the TARDIS.



Meanwhile, at a secret hideout…


We see a mysterious man in black working at a computer, and eating a slice of pizza. He works a mouse while looking at a picture at the evil tower of death we saw before. He takes a bit from his pizza and some sauce squirts onto the panel.


??? (Angry): Oh fuck, that’s the fifth time this week that’s happened to me. We’re supposed to be Timelords, the most advanced beings in the galaxy, and we haven’t invented anti-mess computers!?! Yeesh!



Meanwhile, at a nameless spot…


Dr.1 walks quietly among some plants, trees, and shrubbery.


Dr.1: Gee, it’s such a lovely day; I hope nothing earth-shatteringly bad happens to spoil this beautiful day.


Just then, he looks up to see a spinning black triangle of doom. He tried to run, but it easily catches the old codger, and transports him to some distant dark, stormy, and scary location.


Dr.1: I really should’ve seen this one coming!



Meanwhile, back at the TARDIS…


Dr.5 suddenly cries out in pain, as he clutches his heart.


Tegan: Is something wrong, Doc?


Dr.5: I just cried out like I suffered a heart attack, and clutched one of the hearts, no, everything’s dandy. Of cause something’s wrong, you little twit!



Meanwhile, at UNIT H.Q.


The Brigadier is having a drink with his nameless replacement, who will never reappear ever again.


Replacement: So where on Earth are we exactly?


Brigadier: We are in UNIT’s incredibly top secret, super stealthy stronghold! BEHOLD!


With the push of a button, the Brigadier activates the external cameras to show off the base. We can see that it’s a giant, difficult-not-to-spot-even-if-you’re-blind mansion and a huge painted sign on the front, telling the whole world what this place really is.


Replacement: Hmm…a four story mansion in the most visible part of the countryside with an equally large sign plastered just outside the entrance. Oh yeah, I can practically FEEL the stealthiness of this place.


Brigadier: Laugh while you can Captain Snark. As of right now, I’m retired, which means all the horrible, nasty and scary stuff that’s happened to me since ‘The Web of Fear,’ will now happen to you!


Replacement: Crap!


Just then, the door opens up, and in walks a funny little man with a bowl haircut, and chequered pants. The Brigadier gasps and drops his drink.


Brigadier: By the ludicrously large trophy room of Manchester United! It’s YOU!!!


Dr. 2: Hello Brigadier


Brigadier: What in the name of my grandmother’s underpants are you doing here!?!


Dr. 2: Well, I was just jetting around the time stream with my hommies, and decided to drop in on you, pay you a visit, and see if you wanted to come on any more adventures with me?


Brigadier: The hell I am!


Brigadier picks up a phone and talks into it.


Brigadier: This is the Brigadier, I have an unwanted man in my office, get rid of him at once!


Dr. 2: To late my dear chap, for you see, I didn’t come alone.


Dr. 2 then opens the door, and another black triangle of doom appears and sucks up both the doctor, and the Brigadier.


The Replacement watches in wide-eyed amazement as this happens. He is silent for the next few minutes, and then slams the desk in frustration.


Replacement: Damn, there goes the twelve pounds he owes me from our last poker game!



Meanwhile, Back at the TARDIS…


Tegan rushes into the main control room as Dr. 5 screams out.


Tegan: Doc! What’s wrong!?!


Dr. 5: Fading! It’s all fading!


Tegan: What? Chunks of your past?


Dr. 5: No! My Internet connection to the Bodachus Blond’s web site! It took we five weeks to find that site, and now, I can’t get to it anymore! It says that I don’t have enough RAM! I own the freak’n TARDIS for crying out loud! The most advanced piece of equipment in the galaxy!


Dr. 5 pushes another button, and the monitor flickers with an error message. It says, ‘Windows XP has discovered an error, Would you like to (A)bort (R)etry, or (P)anick.’


Dr. 5 thumps the keyboard in frustration.



Meanwhile, somewhere nameless…


Dr. 3 drives along a country road in Bessie.


Dr. 3 (Grumbling): Why am I always the one who has to go out and pick up the pizza? I’m smarter than all of UNIT combined, and I still can’t come up with a good excuse for not doing this!


Just then, he looks up in surprise, as another black triangle of doom descends form the sky.


Dr. 3 (Exaggerated tones): Great Balls of Fire!


He slams on the breaks, and fish tails around to face the opposite direction.


Dr. 3: Now to get out of here. Good ‘ol Bessie will speedily take me to safety.


He puts the car into first gear, and it stalls. He tries to start the engine but it fails.


Dr. 3: Oh you fucking piece of shi…


The triangle sucks him up.



Meanwhile, Back at the TARDIS…


Tegan walks back into the control room, to find Dr. 5, laying spread out on the floor.


Tegan (Sighs): He’s been into the Schnapps again.


Dr. 5 (Moaning): I’m being diminished, wilted away, piece by piece.


Tegan (Confused): Excuse me?


Dr. 5: A man is the sum of his memories, you know. A Timelord even more so. I must find my other selves.


Tegan: Other selves? Riiiiiight.


She then picks up the phone.


Tegan: Hello? Funny farm?



Meanwhile, at Sarah’s house…


Sarah Jane Smith walks out of her door and towards the gate.


K-9: Mistress! Mistress!


Sarah leaps so high into the air that she bangs her head on the lamppost.


Sarah: GAH! K-9! How many times have I told you not to sneak up on me like that!


K-9: Sorry mistress, but I have to warn you…


Sarah: is it going to rain?


K-9: No, Mistress, it’s…


Sarah: Am I going to get mugged?


K-9: No, Mistress, if you just let me finish…


Sarah: I’m going to get laid today?


K-9 (Shouting): Would you just shut your stupid pie-hole for one second and let me say what it is I have to say!?!


Sarah is silent for about five seconds.


Sarah: I’m going to get fired today? That’s it, isn’t it.


K-9 fumes on the spot, and then sees the black triangle of doom spinning towards Sarah.


K-9: Uhh, yeah, that’s it!


Sarah: I knew it! Those boys are always trying to get into my pants! Well, I’m going down to that office, and I’m going to…


The triangle sucks her up, and vanishes. K-9 stands there for a while, watching the scene, then turns about and heads back inside.


K-9: All right! Time to make some long distant phone-calls!



Meanwhile, somewhere else…


Dr. 4 and Rommana 2 are sailing along in a gondola, discussing a very important topic.


Dr. 4: I’m telling you for the last time, Rommana, it would’ve been the Professor and Maryann who would’ve gotten married.


Rommana 2: No way, Doctor, Gilligan was her true love, everyone knows that!


Dr. 4: Bug off! He was a geek!


Rommana 2: You’re a geek!


Dr. 4: Get a life, Rommana!


Rommana 2: Well, that’s just…


Suddenly, Dr. 4 cries out in alarm, as he is lifted into the air, hanging sideways, and flailing about in panic.




Meanwhile, at a secret hideout…


The mysterious man in black is looking at the view screen as this is happening. He scratches his chin in thought.


???: Funny, that shouldn’t be happening. What is causing this to…


He turns around to see an 18-month-old infant chewing on a doll of Dr. 4.


???: Herbert, NO!!! Bad baby, baaaaad!


He walks over and picks the baby up. He looks at the doll of Dr. 4. It is covered with saliva.


???: Eeewwwwww! That’s disgusting! No way am I touching that! Eck!


He then kicks the doll into a crack just under his computer.


???: You little trouble maker. (Sigh) Of all the days I agreed to baby-sit for my brother, it had to be when I’m right in the middle of an evil plan.



Meanwhile, Back at the TARDIS…


Two men in white suits are placing Dr. 5 into a straight jacket.


Dr. 5: But I’m telling the truth! My other selves have been kidnapped and are being held hostage!


Goon1: Riiiight, pal, and if they’re out there somewhere, we’ll find ‘em.


Goon2: But first, we need to get you someplace safe, so you won’t be kidnapped as well.


They hall Dr. 5 to his feet and walk him struggling towards the TARDIS door. It suddenly is flung open, and in walks


Turlough. The two goons are crushed by the weight of the door.


Turlough: Well, it’s nice of you to come and get me.


Tegan: Turlough, quick, subdue the Doc. He’s gone nuts!


Turlough: Tell me when has he ever had all of his marbles to begin with.


Tegan: No, I mean he’s lost the plot for real this time! He’s acting crazier than before.


Dr. 5: Oh, for crying out loud.


They both turn to see Dr. 5 getting out of the straight jacket.


Dr. 5: Look, for the last time, Tegan, I’m not crazy. I’m perfectly ---


Suddenly Dr. 5 stiffens up like a statue before dancing a frantic polka.




Almost as suddenly as he began Dr. 5 stops and looks at Tegan as if nothing had happened.


Dr. 5: --- Sane.


Tegan (backing away slowly): Yes, well I’ll be heading off then to…


As soon as they’re at a safe distance away, Tegan and Turlough run off, leaving Dr. 5 to send the TARDIS on yet another dangerous adventure.



Meanwhile, On Gallifrey…


The Lord President walks through a garden, then walks through a hallway, up a flight of stairs, through a door, and comes out on a balconing.


Borusa: I am so lost.


Guard: The room is this way, my lord.


Borusa: I knew that. Just testing you, that’s all.


Borusa is lead into the chamber meeting hall, where Castellan and Flavia are waiting for him. They do no look pleased.


Flavia: You do realise that the actions you have undertaken can be over ridden by the council if we are unanimous.


Castellan: Which we are. That means that you’re decision can be overturned.


Borusa: I am well aware of your objections, but we are in a time of crises, and the both of you can kiss my arse!


Castellan (Bangs fist on the table): Damit, Lord President, your latest regeneration has left you as senile as Texas




Just then, the master enters the room.


Master: Hi-diddly-do-diddly!


Flavia & Castellan: Stupid Master.


Borusa: Sit down, Master, we’re discussing business.


Flavia: Again, I must implore, Lord President, This is madness!!!


Master: What’choo guys talkin’ ‘bout? Me?


Castellan: No, not you! We brought you here to save the doctor.


Master: Even thought I’ve killed, maimed, cooked, and insulted millions of intelligent beings? Then what are you both unhappy about?


Flavia: President Borusa has authorised the use of Netscape Nanny on all computers on Galafray.


Castellan: I can no longer access the Bodachus Blond’s web site anymore!


Borusa: Silence! I will no longer tolerate the fact that people much younger than me can look at naked female blonds while I can’t!


Castellan: You should’ve thought about that before you went and got married to a burnet!


Master: Now wait a minute, you guys want me to rescue the Doctor? My arch nemeses?


Flavia: What? You’re still here? Get going you poor excuse for a BBC actor!


Master: Aren’t you the least bit afraid that I’ll do something nasty to all of you, or betray you and destroy the doctor, or…


Borusa: Look, We’ve already promised you a new life span if you sussed, now go!


The master gets up and walks out of the room. He comes back in a few seconds later.


Master: How do I get to the doctor? And make it snappy, my TARDIS is double-parked!


Castellan: Do not worry, Master. We have a power-boosted open-ended Trasmat-beam!


Castllen points to a flashing platform.


Master (Confused): A what?


Castellan: I said, An Op---


Master: No, what the hell is that jumble of words? It doesn’t make any sense. It’s just a mix-match of scientific jargon that makes no since what so ever. I know this story was written in 1983, but God Damn, this is pathetic. And another thing, I know I’m the bad guy, but must the bad guy always wear black? Come now, surly we can be creative? Why not green? Or purple? The Joker wears purple.


Castellan (Sigh): Guards!


Two big guards come up to the Master, and hurl him through a porthole.




Chapter 2: Is there a Doctor in the House?


Meanwhile, In the Dead Zone…


Dr. 1, has just been transported to a place that looks like something Walt Disney might have dreamed up, if someone loaded him up with LSD and gave him a blank cheque.


Dr. 1: This funky experience reminds me of the time I accidentally drank that canister of Napalm.


Just then, a woman wearing a trench coat appears from off-stage.


Susan: Grandfather?


Dr. 1: Susan?


Dalek: Hey, you out there, help me!


Susan: A Dalek!?!


Dr. 1: We must be on Skaro.  Run, Susan!


Dalek: No, wait, comeback, please, you must help me!  I don’t now how to drive this thing.


The Dalek tries to follow them, but crashes face first into the wall.


Dalek:  Damn it!  Why the hell dose this thing have SIX peddles when there’s only FOUR directions!!!  Maybe this will do something.


The Dalek’s death ray fires at Dr. 1 and Susan.


Dalek: Oh fudge it!  Now it’s stuck on Auto-Fire.


Dr. 1 and Susan run away from the widely firing Dalek, through the maze of corridors, which looks exactly like the same one, shot from a different angle.  Eventually, after running around in circles, they run into a dead-end.   Certain death looks like it’s not far away, but quickly, Dr. 1 gets an idea.


Dr. 1: I know, I'll make a combination air freshener AND power outlet!


No... not that idea....


Dr. 1: Oh! Right! Uhmm...maybe if I move quickly enough, I'll be able to push the Dalek into the dead-end room, make it fire it’s ray gun and the energy it fires will bounce off the mirror like walls, and destroy the Dalek!


Dr. 1 tries out his idea and surprise, surprise, pulls it off, so he and Susan are able to get to safety.  However, the explosion blew a hole in the wall that shows a huge scary looking tower in the distance.


Susan: Grandfather, look! 


Dr. 1 (Exaggerated Tones): That is the Tower of Rassilon!  We’re in the Dead-Zone, my grandchild!


Susan:  Dead-Zone?  Where’s that?


Dr. 1: Just around the corner from the Gallifrey Pick ’N Mix. Anyway, this means that we’re not on Skaro, but Gallifrey it’s self!




 Dr. 1(turning off the stereo): Sorry.



Meanwhile, Elsewhere in the Rock Quarry at Wales…


Dr. 2 and the Brigadier are walking around aimlessly, waiting for their que.


Dr. 2: And so, I says to Mavius, I says…


Voice: You’re on!


Brigadier: This is another fine mess you’ve gotten us into, Doctor!


Dr. 2: Don’t blame me Brigadier, blame the location people.  It’s not my fault that this is the one-millionth time we’ve used a rock quarry in Wales as an alien planet you know.


Brigadier: By the many curvaceous models in Playboy!  What’s that!?!


In the distance, a strange looking figure is moving about.


 Dr. 2: Hmmmm, it looks like a Cyberman, it acts like a Cyberman, and it sounds like a Cyberman…  I wounder what it could be?


Brigadier: While you figure it out, I will kneel down by this conveniently placed hole in the wall here, and hope nothing bad attacks me through it.


Brigadier kneels down, and surprise, surprise, a Cyberman reaches through and grabs his arm.


Cyberman: I say old chap, could you spare a shilling?


Brigadier: Doctor, help, it’s asking me for spare change!


Dr. 2 then grabs a metal bar, and hit’s the Cyberman’s hand.  It lets go after squealing like a little girl.  The Brigadier gets up, and then both he and Dr. 2 run away.


Cyberman: Wait!  Perhaps 2 Bob then?


Brigadier: Doctor, it’s still coming!


Dr. 2: Don’t worry, Brigadier, I’ll take care of it.


Dr. 2 then reaches up to his bowl haircut, and reveals that it’s a wig.  He takes it off, and like Odd Job from Goldfinger, hurls it like a Frisbee.  It slices the Cyberman’s head off.  The wig then bounces of a few walls, before spinning back to the Dr. 2.  He catches it, and puts it back on top of his head.  Brigadier watches in stunned silence.


Brigadier:  Have you always been able to do that?


Dr. 2: Only on weekends and at drinking parties.


At that very moment…


Dr. 3 blinks as he looks about.  He is no longer on Earth, and tries the engine.  It starts.


Dr. 3: Oh, now it bloody works.  Only after I’ve been transported to some horribly dangerous place.  How convenient!


He then starts off, down the road; however, he can hardly see a thing.  Suddenly, there is a loud thump, and a scream. 


Dr. 3 (Exaggerated Tones): Good Golly, Ms. Molly, I’ve hit someone!


Dr. 3 looks out and down a short incline to see Sara Jane Smith rolling down a hill.


Dr. 3: Oh dear!  I’d better rescue her!


Dr. 3 then pulls out some rope, and ties it on to the end of Bessie.  Meanwhile, Sara gets up, and walks back up the hill, after all, it’s only a short incline. 


Sara: It’s okay!  I’m fine no--!


Dr. 3: Hang on, Sara!


He throws the rope towards her, and hits her square in the head, and knocks her back down the hill.  She rolls all the way down.


Dr. 3: Grab the rope, Sara!


Sara gets up in a daze, and grabbing the rope, climbs back up the hill.  She looks about in dazed confusion.  Then, sees Dr. 3.


Sara: Doctor!  It’s you!  I mean, you, you!  Before…!


Dr. 3: All Teeth and Curls?


Sara: No, childish behaviour, and a bad fashion sense.  What’s going on now, Doctor?  Where are we?


Dr. 3: My dear Sara, we are in a place that exists, yet, doesn’t exist.  You could say we are everywhere, and yet, nowhere. 


Sara: You haven’t the fucking foggiest.


Dr. 3: Just get in the car.



Meanwhile, at the TARDIS…


Turlough walks into the control room.


Turlough: Doctor, I think I might have some idea as to where we are now…


He stops in mid sentence to see that Dr. 5 is lying on the floor, constantly fading in an out of existence.


Turlough: Woah!  I’m tripping out again!


Tegan: It’s not you, something’s wrong with the Doc.


Just then, Dr. 5 farts rather loudly, and stops fading.  He sits back up, clutching his stomach.


Dr. 5: Damn burritos! That’s the last time I eat anything made by Tegan again.


Once the pain has subsided, Dr. 5 gets up and stands by the control panel, but he stops, looking puzzled.


Dr. 5 (Confused): I must…  What is it I must do?


Tegan decides to see how far she can push him.


Tegan: Ummm, redecorate my room, do the washing, and cook a nice Ham and Pea soup dinner.


Dr. 5 snaps his fingers.  Thanks Tegan and leaves.  Both Tegan and Turlough look at each other in stunned silence.


Turlough: I wonder how long it will take before he realises the truth?


Five hours later…


Dr. 5: Well, the soup will be ready in five minutes, and that will be everything done.  There, another dangerous disaster averted by me, the Doctor.  Now, where to for our next hazardous adventure?


Turlough: Say, what did you use to substitute the Ham?  We haven’t had any meat on board for nine weeks?


Dr. 5: Oh, I just used this strange hairy animal I found wondering the halls.


Just then, Tegan enters the room.


Tegan: Have any of you blokes seen my Dog, Fluffy?


Dr. 5 turns on the outside monitor, to look at the scene outside.


Dr. 5: Never mind that, Turlough, did you find out were we are?


Turlough: I think I might have some idea.


Dr. 5: Geez, that was quick.


Turlough: That’s what happens when you force someone to work non-stop for nine straight hours. I’d better get that overtime pay you promised me.


Dr. 5 (crossing his fingers): Oh, absolutely!


Turlough: Um, you’re supposed to do that behind your back.


Dr. 5: Do what?


Turlough: Yeesh. Anyway, long story short, we may be in another rock Quarry at Wales.


Dr. 5: Again?


Turlough: Could be, but I have no solid evidence.  According to the computers, we aren’t on Gallifrey, like you said we would be.  The best they could come up with, was they were in no place, and at no time.


Dr. 5: Mexico!?!


Turlough shrugs. 


Dr. 5: Never mind where we are, the point is, I must contact my other selves.


Dr. 5 walks over to the control panel, and activates a switch.


Tegan: What did that do?


Dr. 5: It sends out a strong telepathic message, that only regenerations of myself will be able to pick up, and understand.


Meanwhile, not to far away, Dr. 1 and Susan are walking along.  Suddenly, Dr. 1 stiffens up like a statue, as he receives a strong message via telepathic means.


Voice: Free Nacho’s for all!!!


Dr. 1: Susan, we must head this way, at once!


Susan (Pointing): Look, Grandfather, the Tardis!!


Dr. 1 and Susan walk over to the Tardis and open the door.  To their surprise, it’s a real Police Box.


Dr. 1: What the hell is THIS doing here?  (Sigh) Might as well make the most of it.


Dr. 1 activates the phone.


Woman: Hello?  London Police, how may I help you?


Dr. 1: My dear woman, I am a 900-year-old alien, stranded on a planet over 1000 light years away from Earth, and an unknown villain has kidnapped my other regenerations. 


There is a long silence from the other end of the line.


Woman: Oh-Key-Do-Key!  Just stay right were you are, sir, I’ll send some help right away.  (Turns away from the phone)  Jill, trace this call, we’ve got a real fruit loop out there.


ET (Taps Dr. 1 Shoulder): Are you going to be long in there?



Meanwhile, In the Zone of Missing Tax Returns…


There is a flash of light, as the Master suddenly materialises in the dead-Zone.


Master: That wasn’t so bad.


Just then, he realises he’s materialised 50 feet up in the air.  He then plummets all the way to the ground.




Sometime later…


The doors to the REAL Tardis open up, and in walk Dr. 1 and Susan.


Dr. 1: I swear, if this is another police box, so help me I’ll…


Tegan: Who the hell are you?


Dr. 1: I am the Doctor


Tegan: Yep, and I’m Janet Fielding.


Dr. 1: Uh, no really…I am the Doctor.


Turlough: Yep, and I’m Mark Strickson.


Dr. 1: For the love of…! Look, I’ve got a bad fashion sense, I have this bizarre sixties style haircut, and I’m ten times as sexist than anyone here! Who the hell else could I be? I AM THE DOCTOR!


Tegan: Yep, and I’m John Nathan-Turner.




Dr. 5: No, wait, he really is me!  He’s the original Doctor.


Turlough: How can that be?  I thought William Hartnell died back in ’75? 


Dr. 1: Through the clever use of recasting, you can hardly tell the difference.


The gang look back at Dr. 1 who now looks like Mr. T.



Meanwhile, back outside…


The Master walks around, aimlessly, while light bolts strike the ground behind him in the thousands.  He stops and turns around.  Almost as soon as they start, they stop.  He turns around and continues walking.  The moment he dose this, the bolts start striking the ground again.


Master: What is causing that?


Up in space, an alien is floating outside his flying saucer, and he is throwing pennies at the atmosphere on Gallifrey.


Alien: I could do this all day!



Elsewhere, back in the zone of Un-restrained Hippies…


Dr. 2 and Brigadier are walking along.


Brigadier: so where exactly are we, anyway?


Dr. 2: This is the Dead-Zone, an area where the most unwanted scum of Gallifrey’s society are sent to live out a horrible, meaningless, and uneventful life, for the remainder of their natural existence.


Brigadier: Oh, you mean like London’s East End?


Dr. 2: Yes, except without the prostitutes.


Brigadier swipes in frustration at the air.


Brigadier: Well, since we ran into some Cybermen, are we most likely to run into anything else that will want to feed us our legs for merely looking at them sideways?


Dr. 2: Well, in the early days of the Dead-Zone, my people kidnapped other beings and put them here.


Brigadier: Sounds intriguing.


Dr. 2: I wouldn’t worry about it, though. The whole reason why will probably be unimportant to the stories plot, by the next episode.



Meanwhile, back at the TARDIS…




Dr. 1: You’re talking nonsense my boy!


Tegan: What are you two arguing about now?


Dr. 1: He plans to send the signal to our other regenerations without having Nacho’s ready to present to them!



At that Moment…


Dr. 4 and Rommana 2 are wondering about.


Rommana 2: Look, Doctor, the Tardis!


Dr. 4: Maybe we’ll find out why we’re here to begin with…


Just then, a woman in a police uniform taps Dr. 4 on the shoulder.


Woman: Excuse me?  We’re looking for a man who claims to be 900 years old.


Dr. 4 (Trademark Smile): That would be me.


Woman:  Thankyou so much!  (Blows a Whistle) Get ‘em!!!


Dr. 4: Hey, what the--!?


Camouflaged policemen suddenly spring out from hiding places and grab both Dr. 4 and Rommana 2.  They are then handed over to some men in white suits, who have straight jackets.


Woman: They’re all yours, boys.


Dr. 4: What’s going on!?!  I demand an explanation at on…


He passes out after given a needle. 



Meanwhile, Just down the road…


Dr. 3 & Sara Jane are driving along, when suddenly; a sexy looking female leg, wearing red high-heeled shoes, pops out from behind a rock, and shows of its sexy curves.


Dr. 3: Hot dog!  What a babe!


Dr. 3 pulls over, and a black cloak falls down over the leg, and out from behind the rock steps…


Dr. 3: The Master!?! 


Dr. 3’s mouth falls open, as he looks from the covered leg, to the Master’s face.


Dr. 3 (Shudder): Oh… my… God!!!!


Sara: Do you know him?


Dr. 3: Unfortunately, yes!  A long time ago, back when I was at the Academy, he and I were the best of friends.  Then, one day, when we were eating dinner, he loosened the top of my saltshaker, and when I used it, it spilt salt all over my meal.  We’ve been trying to kill one another ever since then.


Master: Doctor!  I come with some news for you.


Dr. 3: Oh, so you’re finally ready to admit you’re wrong?


Master (Angry): Never!  Judy would never leave Michael for that twit Jordan!


Dr. 3 (Sighs): For the last time, Master, ‘Days of our 13 Lives,’ has been over for 600 years.  It was revealed in the second last episode, that season’s 134, through to 356 were a dream!  There for, Judy never returned to Michael.


Master: Ahhh… but that’s what they wanted you to think!


Dr. 3 (Sighs): Do you have anything else plot worthy to tell me?


Master:  Oh yeah, you see, I…  (Pause)  Now, what was it?  Don’t bother me; I’m sure it will come back to me if I concentrate.  Now, let’s see… it was something important…


Dr. 3 rolls his eyes, and quickly drives off, leaving the Master standing by the side of the road in a ‘Thinker’ pose.



Meanwhile, back at the TARDIS…


Dr. 5 is showing of a piece of paper with some carryon scribbles on it.


Dr. 5: Right, now, here is the tower of Rassilon.  There are three entrance’s into the tower.  One at the top, one at the bottom, and straight through the front door.


Dr. 1: So which one are you going to use.


Dr. 5: It doesn’t really matter, I’m sure the writers will find some other way for me to get inside without much fuss.


Dr. 1: I still think we should wait for our other selves to arrive.  We’ll be much more stronger, united.


Dr. 5: But, if we unite too soon, then we’ll be able to defeat the bad guys much more quicker, and then we won’t have much of an anniversary special.  So instead, I’ll go wondering off in a reclass, and impatient manor, and maybe something dangerous will happen to me, in order to boost the excitement.



Back at a conveniently placed road…


Dr. 3 and Sara are walking away from a smoking Bessie.


Dr. 3: You know, Sara, I even though we are the Time lords, the most advanced beings in the galaxy, I still can’t believe the stroke of luck that I was abducted in Bessie, and transported to a section of the Dead-Zone that has paved roads for ground traveling Auto-mobiles, even though we did away with ground transportation over 10 000 years ago.


Sara: That’s interesting, Dr. but what are we going to do about transport?


Dr. 3: Oh, don’t worry.


Dr. 3 then whistles loudly, and a police box coloured like a Taxi materialises out of nowhere.  They then walk inside.


Taxi Driver: Were to ‘gov? 


Dr. 3: The Tower of Rassilon, and step on it!



Chapter 3: Who Washes the Wash Men!?!



Meanwhile, On Gallifrey…


The Lord President is looking at a monitor, of Dr. 4 and Romana 2, in a white padded room, wearing straight jackets.  Beside Borusa, an extra is busy operating the computer.


Borusa: Is there anyway you can get him out of there?


On hearing Borusa's voice, the extra closes down his game of The Sims and brings up a few schematics.


Extra: No sir, Apparently Tom Baker is no longer interested in playing the Doctor, and therefore, we'll only be stuck with never seen before footage of both him and Lalla Ward.


Borusa: I see.


Castellan then enters the room.


Castellan:  No word from the Master.


Borusa: That's no surprise, considering the recall device you gave him, doesn't allow him to talk to us, you bloody twit!



Back in the Zone of Imported Booze…


Dr. 2 and the Brigadier are looking at the Tower of Rassilon.


Brigadier:  You know, I swear this is exactly the same painted backdrop we were looking at just last scene.


Dr. 2: I wonder, could we be playing the game of Rassilon?


Brigadier:  Oh?  Is it anything like strip poker?


Dr. 2:  Must you compare everything to strip poker?


Brigadier:  Have you ever played it?


Dr. 2:  Hmmm, good point.


Meanwhile, back at the TARDIS…


Dr. 5 and Dr. 1 are trying to look like they are doing something intelligent.


Dr. 5:  By going directly to the tower of Rassilon, I can shut down the force field generator that is keeping the TARDIS immobilised, and we'll be able to warp out of here.


Susan:  I'll go with you.


Tegan:  So will I.


Dr. 1:  I'm afraid not, young lady, you'll stay here with me. It's far too dangerous.


Tegan:  I see, so you're not afraid to send out your only grand daughter, even though it's 'too dangerous' yet you nearly have kittens because I want to go out.  Oh yeah, you're just the absolute model for parental figures.


Dr. 1:  (Blocks the TARDIS door.)  No buts!  You're not getting past me.


Tegan:  Twinkie?


Tegan holds it out, and Dr. 1's eyes light up.  She throws it through the other door, and he chase after it, allowing Dr. 5, Susan and herself to leave.



In the Zone of Really Bad FanFics…


Dr. 2 and the Brigadier arrive at the base of the Tower of Rassilon.  Dr. 2 is humming a tune.


Brigadier:  That's a rather interesting tune you're humming Doctor.


Dr. 2: (Groaning) What tune, I'm in pain!  I really shouldn't have eaten those mushrooms I found a few miles back.  Ooohhhhhh!


Brigadier:  So how do we get inside this tower?


Dr. 2:  Well, I suggest we grab one of those conveniently placed torches, and go in through that cave.


Brigadier goes to pick up the flaming torches, when Dr. 2 slaps his hand away.


Dr. 2:  No, no, no!  I mean, THOSE torches!


He then walks past the flaming torches, and over to a rack containing flashlights.  He then takes one, and gives one to the Brigadier, and they enter the caves.





Through the bellowing fog, a troop of Cyber-Men are marching along.


Cyber-Men: (Singing)  Hi Ho!  Hi Ho!  It's off to work we go!  With hand grenades and Razor Blades, Hi Ho!  Hi Ho!


Cyber-Lt.: (Speaking into Walkie Talkie) It's no good sir, the ship isn't parked in this sector ether!


Cyber-Leader:  Well keep looking!  I know we left the ship parked in Sector G.  Damn it, I told you we should've looked at the lot number of were we parked, before heading off to the Gallifrey Pick 'N Mix!


Cyber-Lt.:  Well, you were the one in such a hurry to get the last 'Speaking Bob the Builder' doll.


Cyber-Leader:  You leave Bob outta this!  I mean, come on, he's Bob the Builder, how could you not love those handsome slacks.


The sound of a string being pulled follows over the radio.


Bob:  We've got a lot of work to do.


Cyber-Lt.:  (Sighs) Maybe we left it in sector S.  If we don't fine it, maybe we could steal The Doctor's TARDIS?


The sound of a string being pulled follows over the radio.


Bob:  That sounds like a great idea.





Dr. 5, Susan, and Tegan walk along.  Suddenly, they come across the Master, still standing by the road, still in a thinker's position.


Tegan:  (Shocked) Dr, look, it's the Master!


Dr. 5:  So it is.  He must be behind all this!


Dr. 5 walks over to the Master.


Master:  (Muttering) Now, it had something to do with finding someone…


Dr. 5:  Hello old bean.


Master:  (Waving at him.)  Don't bother me now Dr, I'm trying to remember that I was sent you rescue you.


Dr. 5:  (Confused) Rescue me?


Master:  That was it!  Rescue the doctors!  (Looks over and sees Dr. 5)  Oh, it's you, the latest version.  As hard as it is to believe, I'm actually here to help you.


Dr. 5:  Like Alice, I try to believe three impossible things before breakfast.


Master:  (Confused) Huh?  Are you sure you've been reading the right script?


Dr. 5:  I was trying to sound witty, you fool!


Master:  Oh, I can be witty too!  Ahem!  How much wood could a wood-chuck, chuck, if a wood-chuck could chuck wood!


Dr. 5:  Dear God, you suck.


Suddenly, Tegan's voice tears through the air.


Tegan:  Doctor!  Look out!  It's…!


Dr. 5:  The Master, yes, Tegan, I already know.


Susan:  No!  She means…!


Cyber-man:  Exterminate!


Dr. 5:  That's a Dalek you fool!  You're a Cyber-man.


Cyber-man:  Sorry.


Dr. 5 suddenly pauses, as he realises what he just said, and sees that both he and the Master are surrounded by Cyber-men.


Dr. 5:  This just really isn't my day.


Dr. 5 turns to shout at Tegan and Susan to run away, but sees that they're already running away.


Dr. 5:  Well, at least they're safe.  Shall we then take… (Notices that The Master is already running away)  …HEY!


Dr. 5 starts running after the Master.


Cyber-Lt.:  Stop!


Dr. 5:  Pfft.  Yeah right, pal!


The Cyber-Lt. Then fires a rapid burst of laser at Dr. 5 and the Master.


Master:  Hah!  You missed!


Cyber-Lt.:  Oh, did I?


Suddenly, the master trips in a hole caused by the Cyber-Lt. and falls over, knocking himself out.


Cyber-Lt.:  Oh yeah!  Who's your Daddy!?!


Dr. 5 leans over to see if the master is carrying anything that could be used as a weapon.  Instead, he spies a small round thing with a button on it.


Cyber-Lt.:  You shall come with us!


Dr. 5:  Sorry, must dash!


Dr. 5 pushes the button… and nothing happens.  He looks about nervously, while the Cyber-Lt. Taps his foot impatiently.  He pushes the button again, and nothing happens.  He then franticly starts mashing the button with his thumb, before looking at it.


Dr. 5:  Battery Power low?  God Damn it!


Cyber-Lt.:  Got any more tricks up your selves, Timelord?


Dr. 5:  Well, since you asked…


Dr. 5 then shows the Cyber-men his left sleeve, and then whips out a red table cloth from his sleeve.  He then shows off both sides, and throws it over him.  Nothing happens for five minutes, before the Cyber-Lt. Walks over and yanks the cloth off Dr. 5.  They all gasp to see that Dr. 5 is no longer there.


Cyber-Lt.:  Man, that guy is GOOD!


The Cyber-men all start clapping, and then suddenly stop, when they realise that he no longer available for interrogation.


Cyber-Lt.:  Crap!


The Cyber-men all look down at the Master, as he moans, and gets up.


Cyber-Lt.:  This is not the Doctor!


Cyber-man:  Of cause not, the real Doctor just left a few seconds ago, or are you blind?


Cyber-Lt.:  Whatever!  (Cracks cyber knuckles) Since the Doctor escaped, I need something to take my frustration out on.  (To the Master) I'm gonna lay the smackdown on your lily-white ass!


Master: Actually it's more of Pinkish Hue.


Cyber-Lt.: Shut yo' mouth!




With an annoyed sigh the Cyber-Lt. takes his mobile out of subspace.


Cyber-Lt.: Always when I'm striking down my foes or doing my hair…


The Master watches as the Cyber-Lt. takes the call.


Cyber-Lt.:  Uh-huh… yes Cyber-Leader, I'm at the spot where the scout saw the Doctor… yes, there's a Timelord, but it's only the Master… what…? oh geez… just a sec… (to Master) You wouldn't happen to have a pen and paper on you would you?


The Master reaches his hands into his cloak, emerging with a pen and a scrap of paper a few seconds later.


Cyber-Lt.  (Taking the paper and pen):  Thanks.  (To Cyber-Leader) Okay, what was it again…?  A quart of milk… six value sized Twinkies… three gallons of Pepsi… and the latest edition of 'Baked Bean Bombshells'.  All that along with the Doctor's TARDIS right…? OK, I'll see you later Ralph… (Sigh) I mean Cyber-Leader.


The Cyber-Lt. flicks the phone off while the Master gazes at him in thought.


Master:  So, you're after the Doctors TARDIS, hmmm…?


Cyber-Lt.:  So?


Master:  I can help you get the Doctor's TARDIS.  For you see, I am the Master, and… (Bows to the Cyber Lt.)  …Your ever faithful servant.


Cyber-Lt.:  Really?  Hot Dog!  I've always wanted a butler!


Master:  Wait!  That's not what I…!


Cyber-Lt.:  (Lifts up left foot and points to it.) You can start my scraping this intergalactic toe-jam out from between my toes.


Master:  But you don't have any toes!


Cyber-Lt.:  (Holding out spatula.) I said start scraping!


Master:  (Shudders)



Meanwhile, back at the TARDIS…


Susan is having her ankle bounded, because she accidentally tripped and sprained her ankle while running back to the TARDIS.  Again.  But while we ignore over-used plots, and sexist attitudes, let's go back to the story.


Dr. 1:  And then what happened?


Tegan:  Well, the Doctor suddenly vanished, and…!


Dr. 1:  Shut up you!  (To the phone.)  Please, continue.


Phone Sex Whore:  And then, I took of my bar, and draped a piece of yellow silk cloth over my breasts, while I dance about.  And then…


The phone is suddenly cut off, as Turlough walks into the room, and accidentally trips over the phone line, pulling the cord out of the socket.


Turlough:  Opps.


Dr. 1:  BWAAAAHHH!!!


Tegan:  Well, now what are we going to do?


Dr. 1:  That phone call was costing me 25 pounds a minute!!!


Susan:  Well we can't just sit here and do nothing.  The TARDIS is still being held in place by the force field generator in the Tower of Rassilon.


Dr. 1:  (Choking Turlough) I KILL YOU!!!!


Tegan:  Well, someone will have to go out and call for help.


Dr. 1 pauses in the middle of Choking Turlough and looks over at the two girls.


Dr. 1:  Call!?!  (Drops Turlough and straightens himself up.) Well, as the only Doctor left, it will be my civic-minded duty to brave the Dead Zone and fine a phone to call for help.


Tegan suddenly jumps up, and into Dr. 1's face.  However, as she doses so, she thrusts out her bosom, giving Dr. 1 an ample view of her cleavage.


Tegan:  And I'll go with you.


Dr. 1:  (In trance like state.)  Oh yes, of cause…  Whatever.



Meanwhile, in the council Chamber…


Dr. 5 appears on the flashing platform, and sees Castellan, Flavia, and Lord President Borusa.


Dr. 5:  So, the Master wasn't lying.


Borusa:  He's been trying to kill you for quite some time.  I doubt leaving him to the mercy of deranged killing machines is going to make him any more of a threat to you than he already is.


Dr. 5:  Then if the Master isn't behind all this…  Then, it must be a Timelord.


All:  (Exaggerated tone) A Timelord!?!


Dr. 5:  And a very important one at that.


Castellan:  But we're the most important Timelords on Gallifry.  If one of us is the culprit, then by telling us that piece of information, you've just informed us that you are on to us, and we can start covering our tracks or organise a method to do away with you!


Dr. 5:  Oh, shit!


Dr. 5 suddenly bolts for a horse, and leaps onto it's back.


Dr. 5:  (Shouting.) You'll never take me alive!


He rides out of the room, but the door is too low, and he smacks his head on the frame, and falls off.  The horse gallops away without Dr. 5.


Borusa:  And one of us is supposed to be behind all of this!?!  Such accusations would require proof.


Dr. 5:  (Getting up) The Cyber-men!  Even in our most corrupt times, our ancestors never allowed them to play.  Like the Daleks, they cheat too well!  Don't forget we're still paying of Lord President Ghad's poker debts to Skaro.


Borusa:  Don't remind me.


Castellan:  Do you have any other proof?


Dr. 5:  Well, there was this homing beacon thingy I found in the Recall device.


Flavia:  A homing beacon!?!  Of cause, it all makes sense.  The Dead-Zone is such a big place, it's the only way the Cyber-men could've found the doctor so fast.


Dr. 5:  Huh?


Borusa:  Yes, you're right, and since Castellan gave the Mast the recall device…


They turn to look at Castellan, while Dr. 5 looks confused.


Dr. 5:  Wha-!?!  I don't get it.


Castellan:  (Panicking) It's a trick!  The Doctor is trying to set me up!


Dr. 5:  (Confused) So, who's the bad guy again?  You're all talking so fast for me.


Borusa:  Guards!  (Guards enter.)  Search Castellan's office and room.


Guard:  At once, Lord President.


Castellan:  I've been framed!  I'm innocent!


Dr. 5:  I'm confused.  Who has the homing beacon?  Why where the…  (Rants on endlessly)



Meanwhile, back in the Zone of Sheep…


The Cyber-men are all gathered around the Master, who is talking with the Cyber-Leader.


Cyber-Leader:  I do not believe your lies!


Master:  But I'm telling the truth.  You guys are getting a whole new make-over for the new Doctor Who TV Series.


Cyber-Leader:  We are superior as we are.  We don't need no stink'n make-over!


Master:  Oh, really?  If I recall, it took quite some time for you guys to look the way you do now.  Why if I recall your first appearance in 'The Tenth Planet' you guys looked so gay!  Hell, even in the second episode of that story, it can clearly be seen that your helmets were held together with sticky tape!


Cyber-Leader: Why you little…!


Cyber-Leader starts choking The Master.


Master: ACK! Wait! Cease! Hold your horses! I can help you escape this place and get revenge on the Timelords who brought you here!


Cyber-Leader (Letting go of The Master): Oh? And how do you plan on doing that?


Master: I've got a sure-fire, not-a-chance-in-hell-this-will-fail plan that will get the Timelords out of your metaphorical hair for good, and get you out of here as well.  In return, you let me live.


Cyber-Leader: Hmm… agreed.  Just so I know, your plan doesn't consist of merely poking them in the eyes and kicking them repeatedly in the crotch does it?


Master: Not anymore!



Meanwhile, Somewhere near the top of the tower…


A Taxi coloured TARDIS materialises out from nowhere.  The door opens, and Sara Jane walks out.


Dr. 3:  (From inside the TARDIS) 25 pounds!?!?  That's an outrage, I won't pay it!  What!?!  You wouldn't!  You would, wouldn't you.  Well, no tip!


Dr. 3 exists the TARDIS slamming the door shut.  It then vanishes.


Dr. 3:  (Grumbling) Of all the nerve…!


Sara:  Well, now where do we go?


Dr. 3:  Up there, see?  We can climb up there, and get into the Tower through there.


Sara:  No way am I going up there!  You'll look up my dress.


Dr. 3: (Under his breath) No durr.


Sara:  What was that!?!


Dr. 3 suddenly looks horrified, and pushes Sara behind a boulder.


Sara:  What's wrong now?


Dr. 3:  Look, there!  Can you see it!


Sara looks through the swelling mist and spies a quite, big-brown-eyed bunny rabbit.


Sara:  Awww, it looks so sweet…!


Dr. 3:  Don't be fooled, Sara Jane.  That things a deadly killing machine.  It'll tear your head off before you'll ever see it leave the ground.


Sara:  Don't be ridicules, Doctor.


Dr. 3:  I'm being serious, Sara.  Just look at the bones lying around.


Suddenly, a group of Cyber-men walk around the corner.


Cyber-man1:  Hey, what's that?


Cyber-man2:  It's a cute helpless and harmless fluffy animal.  Watch me make road kill out of it.


Suddenly, the rabbit leaps into the air, taking off the head of the lead Cyber-man.  The Cyber-men all start firing in panic, but the rabbit leaps from Cyber-man to Cyber-man taking off their heads.


Dr. 3:  See!  I told you so.


Cyber-man:  (Panic) Run away!  Run away!


The remaining Cyber-men flee.


Dr. 3:  Come on, now's our chance.


Dr, 3 and Sara quickly sneak past the rabbit, and into the cave



Chapter 4: Who are you Gonna Call!?!  Someone else.


Meanwhile, in the council Chamber…


Castellan, Flavia, and Lord President Borusa are all sitting around.  Dr. 5 is still standing by himself, thinking.


Dr. 5:  So, if Castellan had the homing beacon, then that would mean… (Rants on endlessly)


Just then the doors open, and in comes the guards.  One of them is holding up a severed phone cord.


Guard1:  (Hands to Borusa) We found this, in Castellan's private quarters.


Borusa:  A secret security by-pass Internet connection cord!?!


Castellan:  All right, I confess.  I was using that to by-pass Netscape Nanny, and look up the Bodachus Blond's web site.


Dr. 5: (Looks interested) Really?  You actually got through?  I couldn't get through!


Borusa:  Because I put Netscape Nanny on all computers, so that no one could access the Bodachus Blond's web site.  It is now strictly forbidden.


Dr. 5:  (Shocked) You're the reason I couldn't get access to that web sight!?!


Borusa:  (Holding up severed cord) Castellan, this is forbidden technology, giving you access to forbidden knowledge.




Dr. 5 leaps into the air, and delivers a fly kick to Borusa's head.


Dr. 5:  BANZAIIIII!!!!


Dr. 5 and Borusa begin rolling around on the floor.


Guard1:  What do we do now?


Guard2:  Let's shoot someone.


The guards then pull out their guns, and aim them at the doctor.


Castellan:  Hey, what ever happened to Guilty until proven innocent?  And you really shouldn't be pointing guns around like that.  Somebody could accidentally get hurt…


The guards, tired of Castellan's whining, then turn their guns on Castellan, and vaporises him in an instant.


Guard1:  Hey, yeah, you're right!


Guard2:  That's why I always vote Republican.


Dr. 5 and Borusa stop struggling, get up, and look at Castellan's ashes.


Borusa:  Damn it, you two!  I just had this floor washed.


Dr. 5:  Well, It seems you've been saved the embracement of a trail, Lord Borusa.


Borusa:  With Castellan gone, it would ease the burden on your other selves.


Dr. 5:  All of them?


Borusa:  No, your fourth regeneration is stuck in a mental asylum.  I'm working through the paperwork to get him out even as we speak.


Dr. 5:  Then I must go back and help the others who actually wanted to appear in this anniversary special.


Borusa:  I'm afraid not, Doctor.  For you see I need you here to help me.


Dr. 5:  With what?


Borusa:  A random task that you'll never end up doing.  So, Flavia, would you kindly escort the Doctor to my room and leave a guard outside to make sure he doesn't find a way to connect to the Bodachus Blond's web site.


Flavia: Oh, I've been demoted to a guard now, have I?



Meanwhile, back in the Zone of Funky Drug Experiences…


Dr. 2 and the Brigadier are wondering through the caves.  Suddenly they here a horrifying roar.


Brigadier:  What on Earth was that?


Dr. 2:  (Stops singing) Me.  Sorry.


Suddenly, a Yeti comes around the corner, holding out a clipboard and a pen.


Yeti:  Would you be interested in saving the Environment?


Brigadier:  Oh, shove off!


Yeti:  It wouldn't take a moment of you time!  Just take a look at the wonderful prizes you can win!


Dr. 2:  No thanks, we're not interested.


Yeti:  But…?


Brigadier:  Beat it, you bum!  Get a real job!


Yeti:  (Diving and latching onto Dr. 2's leg) Awwww, come on!  This is our Environment I'm talking about!  Have you no decency?  HAVE YOU NO SHRED OF GOODNESS IN THAT DANK PIT YOU CALL A HEART?!?!?


Brigadier & Dr. 2: …


Yeti:  (Bawling like a Hollywood prima donna) How can you sleep at night? HOW?!?


Dr. 2:  (Shaking his leg desperately to get the Yeti off) Get off!




Finally, after much leg shaking Dr. 2 managed to kick the Yeti away before he and the Brigadier start running to a very small hole in the wall.  The Yeti follows them.


Brigadier:  Damn it, Doctor.  There's no way out of this place!


Dr. 2:  Don't worry, Brigadier!  I'll use my intelligence to get us out of this mess.


Brigadier:  I'm going to die.


Dr. 2 starts pulling things out of his pocket.  Like a rubber chicken, a signed photo of Richard Nixon, a bazooka, the entire volume of the Encyclopaedia Britannica…


Brigadier:  Hurry up, Doctor, it's trying to dig us out!


Dr. 2 then pulls out a match, and smiles.  He then lights it, and turning around, sticks his ass at the Yeti, and farts.  A huge ball of fire engulfs the Yeti, turning it to ashes.


Brigadier:  I always knew you were full of hot air, Doctor.


Dr. 2:  That was a Yeti.


Brigadier:  Oh really?  It's taken you THIS long to figure THAT out?


Dr. 2:  (Thinking) Hmmmm…  That fireball was helped along by wind.  (Turning around.) Well I'll be, this hole in the wall we ran into, conveniently has an exit.


Dr. 2 and Brigadier walk down the newly discovered tunnel, and come to a small door in the wall.


Dr. 2:  Whatever is guiding us, wants us to go through there!  After you, Brigadier.


Brigadier:  On our way here, we've run into Cyber-Men and a Yeti, do you honestly think I'll go in first?


Dr. 2:  Hmmmm…  You're right.  Tell you what.  Why don't we…


Dr. 2 then suddenly grabs the Brigadier, and hurls him through.




Dr. 3 and Sara Jane are walking along, carrying metal rope, and arrows.


Sara:  I can't believe our luck of finding all these arrows and rope can you, Doctor?


Dr. 3:  Not only did we steal all the extra arrows and rope of that robot guard, but I also stole his wallet as well.  (Holds it up.)


They then come to a cliff, over looking the Dark Tower.


Dr. 3:  Hmmm…  To get across to the tower is going to take some skill.


Sara:  Doctor!  Cyber-men are coming up the cliff side, along with the Master!


Dr. 3:  Take care of them, Sara, I'm busy.


Sara:  (Thinking) Take care of them?  How?  I could use these really-awesome-looking arrows which I've seen take out a whole squad of them or…  I could pick up a pathetic looking rock, and throw it at them?  Hmmm…  Decisions, decisions…


Sara picks up a pathetic looking rock, and hurls it at the nearest Cyber-man.  It bounces of his head, without so much as a scratch as if it were a cotton ball.


Cyber-man:  (Looking around) Hmmmm…  Must be raining.


Sara:  Doctor, it didn't work!


Dr. 3:  Don't worry, I'm nearly done…!


He then uses the rope and hurls it across to catch on a Gargoyle.  Using the other rope, he then slides down to the tower.  He nearly falls to his death, but manages to climb up to safety.  Dr. 3 marvels at his marchioness.


Dr. 3:  Now you, Sara J…


Sara Jane is nowhere to be seen.  He looks around, and screams as some one taps him on the shoulder.


Sara:  Hey Doctor.


Dr. 3:  Sara!?!  But…  How did you get here?


Sara:  The bridge!  (Sara points to a nice safe looking wooden bridge that spans the tower to the cliffs)  Isn't that how you got across?


Dr. 3:  (Grumbling) Upstage me, will 'ya!


Dr. 3 starts slapping Sara Jane around.



Meanwhile, at the base of the tower…


Dr. 1 and Tegan stand before the front door.


Tegan:  You know, it's amazing how long it's taken the others to get to this tower, and yet, we arrive in no time flat.


Dr. 1:  Well, now that we're here, I wonder how we get inside?


Tegan:  I don't suppose we're to knock it down.


Dr. 1:  An excellent idea, young lady.  Now, stand back!


Dr. 1 takes a few steps backwards, and then runs at the door with his head lower.  He slams headfirst into it, and knocks it down.


Tegan:  You did it!  You got us inside.


Dr. 1:  (Eyes rolling around) Is that you mother?


Tegan then helps Dr. 1 to his feet, and together they walk inside.  Suddenly, they come to a part of the floor that looks like a giant chess board.  Just off to the side, is one of those ACME signs with a giant pointing hand that reads "Safe passage, this way."


Tegan:  That looks like a trap.


Dr. 1:  Nonsense, my dear child.  (Starts walking across the board.) Why it's perfectly sa…


Suddenly, when Dr. 1 reaches halfway, the board suddenly electrifies, and fries him.


Tegan:  DOCTOR!?!?!


Dr. 1 staggers back, smoke bellowing from his jacket, and his hair is in the Einstein fashion.


Dr. 1:  (Moaning) It would appear, that once you reach halfway, the entire board becomes a death trap.


Master:  (Walks out from behind them.) Oh, I was just waiting for someone to fall for that.  (Kicks away the sign.)


Tegan:  The Master!  How'd you get in through here?  Why, just last scene, weren't you and your cronies seen climbing up a cliff?


Master:  (slapping Tegan) Stop pointing out plot holes, you stupid woman!


Tegan:  (Sigh) What do you want?


Master:  I'd advise that you hide!  I've got some rather dangerous allies following behind me.


Tegan:  Oh, so you managed to convince the Cyber-men to help you get to the Tomb of Rassilon, huh?


Master:  Yes, and once there, I'll do away with all of the Doctors, and take the prize for myself.


Tegan:  Wait a second!  If you want to get rid of us, why are you telling us to hide from the Cyber-men?  Couldn't you just get them to kill us, and be gone with us?


Master:  What a smashing idea.


Suddenly, The Cyber-men come around the corner.  The Master, Dr. 1 and Tegan are in plain sight of all of them.


Master:  There they are, boys, kill them!


Cyber-Leader:  Kill who?


Master:  What do you mean, who?  Them!!!  (Points to Dr. 1 and Tegan, quickly hiding.)


Cyber-leader:  I don't see anyone.


Tegan and Dr. 1 are now hidden.


Master:  (Shouting) God, you are so Fing stupid!  How could you not see them!?!  They were right in front of you, just a few short feet away as you came around the corner!!!  Are you Fing blind, you disgusting son of a Labour Politician!?!


At this, the Cyber-Leader's eyes fill with water and his bottom lip begins to quiver.


Cyber-Leader: S-so, you're saying that I'm… ugly?


Master: Dear God, yes! I hadn't seen anything that hideous since the time I stumbled upon a nude Leonard Nimoy website.


The Cyber-Leader bursts into tears at this before running to a corner.


Cyber-man:  Ooohhh, look!  (Pointing at the ACME sign on the floor.)  A safe path across!


Master:  Huh?  No!  Wait that's a…


The Cyber-men all walk across the board and are destroyed.


Master:  And these guys are supposed to be driven by logic?  It's no bloody wonder they haven't conquered the galaxy yet.  (Sigh)  Oh well, At least I don't have to worry about these losers anymore.


The Master then crosses the board.


Master:  You should try it some time, Doctor!  It's as easy as pie.


Dr. 1 and Tegan emerge.


Dr. 1:  Easy as pie?  Hmmmm…?


Tegan:  I know, the Greek Letter Pie, as in the diameter of a cir…


Dr. 1:  NO, we can shield ourselves using pies, to get across.


Tegan:  Huh?


Dr. 1:  Come on.


Dr. 1 then whips out two pies, and gives one to Tegan.  He then holds the pie above his head, and runs across the board.  The electricity is absorbed by the pie, and he makes it across.


Tegan:  (Blinking) Well, I'll be damned.


Dr. 1:  Come along.


Tegan quickly follows.


Cyber-Leader:  (As Dr. 1 and Tegan leave) No, wait! Don't go! I get so terribly lonely…


Cyber-Leader bows his head sadly as a tumbleweed drifts by.



Meanwhile, in the council Chamber…


Dr. 5 is fed up with trying to get Borusa's Internet connection working, and decides to go talk to Borusa.  He enters the council chamber with a guard.


Dr. 5:  Lord President…?


The room is completely empty.


Guard1:  (Scratching his head) Strange, he was in here a second ago.


Dr. 5:  Do you remember anything?


Guard1:  Well, I remember hearing something like a harp being played, then the sound of a wall moving, then nothing.


Dr. 5:  Damn, no clues what so ever.  (Walks over to a large harp)  Nope, not one single clue.  (Leans on the harp)  Better inform Flavia that Borusa is missing.


Guard1 then clacks his heals together.  However, when he dose this, there is the sound of bones braking.


Guard:  Arrrgghhhh!  When will I ever learn to stop doing that.


Guard1 limps away, leaving Dr. 5 to stare at the harp.


Dr. 5:  Not one clue…



Meanwhile, Inside the Tower with no lights…


Dr. 3 and Sara Jane are walking down the stairs.  Sara Jane's face is black and blue from Dr. 3 hitting her before.


Sara:  Doctor, I need to rest.  That beating you gave me took quite a lot out of me.


Dr. 3:  Serves you right.  Nobody upstages me!  Very well, I'll scout out any possible danger up ahead, while you rest there.


Dr. 3 walks down a corridor, and looks around.  Seeing nothing, he turns about to leave.


Yates:  Doctor!  Hold up!


Dr. 3:  Captain Yates?  Is that you?


Yates:  Yes, and Liz Shaw is here also!


Liz walks around the corner.


Dr. 3:  How did you all get here?


Liz:  Same way you did, Doctor, by way of a black spinning triangle.  Oh Doctor, I'm so glad to see you; I've been so frightened here.


Yates:  Come on, we've found the tomb of Rassilon, it's this way!


Dr. 3:  Oh no, I'm not falling for that!  You're illusions!  You're trying to lead me astray!


Liz:  No Doctor, it's really us!  See, We're solid!  Feel us!


Both Yates and Liz thump the walls and themselves.  They are solid and real.  They really are Yates and Liz.


Dr. 3:  You're both phantoms!  Illusions of the mind!


Dr. 3 pulls out a very large and very sharp machete from his coat.


Yates: GAH! Doctor!  We are the real Yates and Liz!




Dr. 3 leaps at both Captain Yates, and Liz Shaw and starts to hack and slash them to pieces.  Blood and bits of limbs, goes flying everywhere.


Dr. 3:  (Getting up.)  Well, that was easy!  No phantoms will fool me!  (Looking at the blood soaked machete.)  Wow, this blood feels real.  The power of Rassilon must be great.  Hmmmm, I wonder why those corpses haven't vanished yet?  Oh well, no time to think about that now, I must get going.


Dr. 3 heads back to where he left Sara Jane.





Dr. 2 and Brigadier are walking up some steps, when they here a girlish scream.


Brigadier:  What was that.


Dr. 2:  I have no idea!


There are a few moments of silence, while Dr. 2 is listening.  Brigadier places his hand on Dr. 2's shoulder, and this scares him.  Dr. 2 jumps, and screams like the same girl they heard before.


Dr. 2:  Would you stop that!


Brigadier:  I suggest that we go and find out what that was.


Dr. 2 and Brigadier walls down the corridor, and turn a corner to see…


Dr. 2:  Jamie!?!  Zoe!?!


Jamie and Zoe are standing on some steps, looking very frightened.


Jamie:  Stay back, Doctor!  There's a forces field keeping us in place!


Brigadier:  Well, maybe we can find another way around, Doctor.


Jamie:  Yes, Doctor, the Brigadier is right!


Dr. 2 is suddenly puzzled.  He smiles, then steps towards them.


Zoe:  NO, Doctor don't com…!


Dr. 2 steps into the spot that they are standing.  Nothing happens.


Dr. 2:  I was right!  I can't kill you because you're illusions!


Jamie:  But…!


Dr. 2:  When the Timelords returned you to your proper places in time, they erased your memories of us.  So how would you know who we are!


Brigadier:  Now, hold on a sec, Doctor, that doesn't make any sense.  If you recall the final episode of 'The War Games,' the Time lords DIDN'T erase their first journey with you from their minds, so they would know who you are!


Dr. 2:  But…!


Brigadier:  And another thing!  How come you're here, huh?  If I recall, you have your memories of the end events of 'The War Games,' yet there was never a moment you had free.  At the very end of that episode, you were immediately transformed into John Pertwee, and started off 'The Spear Head from Space.'  So how could you exist at all!?!


Dr. 2:  I…!  I…!  I…!


Dr. 2 suddenly screams, and vanishes in a puff of logic.


Jamie:  Whoa!


Brigadier:  Well, that was wired.  (Looks at Jamie and Zoe.)  You two want to grab a snow cone?


Zoe:  Sure thing, Brig!


Jamie, Zoe, and Brigadier all leave.




Well, this is it.  Next chapter, we'll be wrapping things up, and concluding this awesome roller coaster ride, of a story, that's had more twists and turns than a straight road. We've had to put up with everything, from bad Acting, to Bad fashion sense, and to plot holes big enough to swallow the International Space Station whole.  But after all this, We've survived and the story will be ending with the next chapter.  Hope you can join me then, when we discover the ultimate mastermind behind the whole thing…



Meanwhile, in the council Chamber…


Dr. 5 is still staring at the harp.


Dr. 5:  Not one clue…





Chapter 5: The Episode with a Shock Ending!


Meanwhile, in Rassilon's Stealthy House 'O Wonder…


Dr. 1 and Tegan enter into a room that looks to be the tomb of Rassilon.


Dr. 1:  Well, my child, we've done it!  We're finally here, at the Tomb of Rassilon.




Dr. 1 (Turning off the stereo): Why the hell dose this always happen to me?


Tegan:  (Points at a strange tablet with even stranger writing on it.) Hey, Doc, what's that?


Dr. 1:  Hmmm, very interesting.


Dr. 1 starts to read it, when Dr. 3 enters the room with Sara Jane in tow.


Dr. 1:  Ahhh, there you are, my dear Boy.  What kept you?


Dr. 3:  (Grumpy expression.) Sara Jane needed to go to the little companion's room.


Sara:  I ate some funky looking mushrooms, and I got the craps, all right!  It was all lose and everything came out as water!  WATER!!!


Dr. 3:  Oh God, that was too much information!


Dr. 1:  Never mind, never mind, come take a look at this.


Dr. 3 walks over to the strange tablet, and begins looking it over.  Just then, Brigadier enters the room, eating a snow cone.


Dr. 3:  Leftbridge Stewart?  Is that you?


Brigadier:  Dear God, you too?


Dr. 3 immediately draws a pistol from subspace, looks at it, then put it back. He then brings out a HUGE chain gun and points it at Brigadier.


Dr. 3:  You bastard, you still owe me 6,000 pounds from our last poker game!


Brigadier:  Do I look like I'm carrying 6,000 pounds on me?


Dr. 3:  Oh, that's what everyone says.  Die!


Dr. 3 fires at Brigadier.  As the rounds fly towards the Brigadier, everything suddenly slows down as he tosses his snow cone into the air, and bends backwards, his head touching the floor as the bullets miss him completely.  He snaps upright as time resumes its normal flow, just in time to catch his snow cone.


Tegan:  Well, there's another beloved movie parodied to death…


Dr. 1:  Stop this, this instant.  (To Brigadier)  Where's the little fellow?


Brigadier:  Oh, him!  He ceased to be due to some contingency technicalities.


Dr. 1:  Wonderful!  Now, we don't have a 2nd Doctor!


Dr. 3:  Oh, just leave that to me.


Dr. 3 then pulls out a gun, and shoots Dr. 1.  Dr. 1 falls to the ground, and immediately transforms into Dr. 2.


Dr. 2:  (Getting up.) Well, that's that problem solved, but now we don't have an original Doctor!


Dr. T:  You do now, fool!


They all turn around to see Mr. T standing in the doorway, dressed up in the original Doctor's clothes, Complete with original Doctor's wig.


Dr. 2:  Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me.


Dr. 3:  Well it's better than nothing.  So let's get back to solving this, shall we?


Dr. T:  Yeah, let's, fool!


The 3 Doctors al gather around the tablet and start reading.


Tegan:  Dose this mean our usefulness to the stories plot has ended?


Brigadier:  I'm afraid so, Ms. Jovanka.


Just then, the Doctor's all stop studying table and start talking among themselves.


Dr. 2:  I see…  So that's what it means.


Dr. T:  It changes noth'n, fool!  This don't concern any of us.  I say that we shut down that generator, get the TARDIS out of the Dead Zone, and get outta here, Fools!


Dr. 3:  Must you always say that?


Dr. T:  Are you gonna stop me, fool?


Brigadier:  Would you mind telling all of us, what's going on?


Sara:  Dose that table tell us what's going on?


Dr. 2:  That, oh no, you see that's the old language of the Timelords.  It's known as pure Drunkenease.


Dr. 3:  It explains how to bypass Net Scape Nanny on your computers.  Oh, Baby, this stuff is gold!


Dr. 3 and Dr. 2 pull out a pen and paper and start writing down.


Sara:  (To Dr. T) Hang on, if the other Doctor's are interested in the tablet's words, how come you aren't?


Dr. T:  I'm a super-star, Fool!  I can get any woman I want.  I don't need no stink'n web porn!


Tegan:  But what about the power of Rassilon?


Dr. T:  It seems, that the fool possessed the power of Immortality, and is will'n to share it with any fool will'n to take it!


Brigadier:  How do you know all of that, if it's not written on the tablet?


Dr. T:  (Holding up pamphlet.) I looked it up in the information guide, fool!


Master:  (Stepping out from the shadows.) Thank you, gentlemen, that's exactly what I need to know!  (Holding up a Cyber-man's gun.)  I came here to help you, but you treated me like an American President.  So, I'm just going to help myself to Immortality.


Dr. 2:  Oh, if that's all you want, then go get it, and be gone.


Master:  (Stunned.) What?  Aren't you even going to try and stop me?


Dr. 3:  Look, if it's the immortality you're after, just get it, and get out.  You're annoying us.


Master:  Really?  You don't care?  (Dr. 3 & Dr. 2 continue to ignore him.)  All right!  Immortality, here I come.


Brigadier:  I don't think so!  You won't get by us!


Tegan and Sara join him by his side.


Master:  Oh really, and which one of you scrawny chickens is going to stop me.


Suddenly a large shadow looms over the Master. The owner of the shadow is so angry, his shadow has gone blood red.  The Master stares in fear before trying a sort of half-assed reverse psychology.


Master: Boy, I sure hope Dr. T's standing behind me! (Turns around to discover a very pissed off Dr. T) Aw hell it IS you!


Dr. T:  (Closes his fist around the Masters neck.) I'm gonna make your ass meet your face, fool!


Master:  This is gonna suck.


Brigadier, Tegan, and Sara all shrink back in horror, and the Master is pulled off screen, followed by loud punching, sounds, and loud girlish screams.


Master:  (Screaming.) NOT IN THE FACE!!!  NOT IN THE FACE!!!


Tegan:  Ugh…  He ain't pretty no more.


Suddenly, there is a loud squelching sound, and all three cringe.


Brigadier:  Dear God… that should be illegal.


The Master suddenly crab-walks onto the screen.  He's bent over, with his head shoved up his ass.


Master:  I think it'd be best if I left.


Crab-walks away.



Meanwhile, back in Borusa's house of bad planning…


Dr. 5 is still looking at the large harp.


Dr. 5:  Nope, not one clue.


Dr. 5 sighs in frustration, as he looks at the harp, then looks up at a rather large picture of a man playing a harp.  Next to the man is a score of music.


Dr. 5:  I wish I knew where he went.


Dr. 5 plunks a string in boredom.  Suddenly, there is a loud click.  This excites him.


Dr. 5:  Hmmm…  A musical key.  Now, if I only knew how to work it…


Dr. 5 drifts off as he stares at the spot where painting hung. There, in the painting, is an exact replica of the harp. He then looked at the score of music in the painting. Then he looked back the harp. Then back to the score in the painting. He dose this for a full three minutes before he jumps into the air and clicks his heals.


Dr. 5:  By Gum, I've got it…  (Camera zooms in on his face.)  Dynamite!!!


He quickly rushes of screen, and rushes back, with an armload of dynamite.  He then places it down a the base of the painting, and lights a match.  He then dives for cover, as the dynamite explodes.  When the cloud of smoke clears, there is a huge hole in the wall, that leads into a secret passage.


Dr. 5:  Once again, I've solved another brain teasing puzzle.


Dr. 5 enters the secret passage.


???: Welcome at long last, Doctor!  To the final level of this game!


Hearing a very familiar voice, Dr. 5 turns around to find a cloaked man walking toward him through the darkness of the passage.  As he steps into the light, Dr. 5 he saw that it was…


Dr. 5: BORUSA!?!


Borusa: AAGH! MY EARS!!!


Dr. 5:  Sorry.


Borusa:  You don't seem surprised, Doctor.  Could it be that you suspected me all along.


Dr. 5:  No.  I always thought it was Castellan.


Borusa:  You don't fool me, Doctor.  I should've known you were too clever.  You always manage to figure things out.


Dr. 5:  No, I really do believe it is Castellan behind it all.  I still think so now.


Borusa:  No need to play games, Doctor, of cause, that's what you've been doing the whole time, isn't it.  Playing the game of Rassilon.


Dr. 5:  Are you even listening to me?


Borusa points to a control board that has plastic models of all the major players.


Borusa:  Do you know why I've brought you, and your other selves here?


Dr. 5:  Was it because you've been trying to get into the Dark Tower for centuries, but couldn't get past all the traps and puzzles, so you sent all my previous selves and companions to help me get past all of those traps so you could get access to the Dark Tower?


Borusa:  NO!  That's what I wanted you to think.  No, the real reason I brought you here, Doctor, was I wanted revenge!!!  Revenge on you and all our previous selves for what you did to me!!!


Dr. 5:  What I did to you?  Oh, for the love of God, if your still upset over that ding I put in your TARDIS, I'll be willing to write you a proper check this time, one that doesn't bounce, and then I won't take off while leaving you to pay my drinking tab.


Borusa:  Poor, misguided Doctor.  You still think I'm the REAL Borusa.


Dr. 5:  Say what?


Borusa:  You herd me!  Say hello, to REAL mastermind behind all this!!!


Borusa reached up to his neck, and pulls of a rubber mask, reviling himself to be…


Dr. 5:  ADRIC!?!?!


Adric:  ARRRGGHH!!  MY EARS!!!  Would you stop shouting like THAT!?!  I'm only a few freak'n feet away from you!!!


Dr. 5:  No… no, this can't be! YOU'RE DEAD!!!


Adric:  Yes, but today Doctor is the day… THE DEAD WALK!!!


Adric starts to strut his funky stuff.




Dr. 5 picks up a machete and leaps at Adric.


Dr. 5: BANZAI!!!


Adric: Whoa!


Back at the Light Cottage…


All the Doctor's are gathered around a fuse box.


Dr. 3:  Now, this should do it.


Dr. 3 pushes a button, and suddenly the whole room is plunged into darkness.


Voice:  (Off-Stage.) That's the power to the BBC building, you fucking Twat!!!


Dr. 3:  Oops!  My bad.


The power comes back on.


Dr. 3:  There, this should be the right one.


There is a beep, and Dr. 2 goes to the consol.


Dr. 2:  I'll call the TARDIS.  Hello, is anyone there?


Turlough: (Over the coms) Hello?  Doctor?!  Susan and I need help.  It seems some Cyber-men have attached bombs to the outside of the TARDIS and are getting set to blow them up, along with us as well!


Dr. 2: What?!? When did this happen?


Turlough: Um… about six hours ago.


Dr. 2: SIX HOURS AGO!?! Why the hell didn't you tell one of us about this before?


Turlough: I tried to but every time I used my communicator all I kept getting was a wet squidgy sound.


Turlough holds up his communicator for Dr. 2 to see.


Dr. 2: That's a jam tart.


Turlough: Is it? Wow, so that's what Susan meant when she said "Give me back my lunch you retarded son of British Monarch"…


Dr. 2: (Switching off the coms) Idiot.


Dr. 3:  Well, with the forces field down, the TARDIS can warp into here and out of danger.


Dr. T:  Now, we can contact the latest fool, and bring him 'ere!


Meanwhile, Back at the secret stash of Bill Clinton's Porno…


Adric is getting the last of his machete wounds healed by Dr. 5, who has a fusion cannon aimed at his head to ensure no funny business.


Dr. 5:  (Eyeing fusion cannon.) So, Adric.  If you're taking the place of Borusa, what happened to the real Borusa?


Adric:  Oh, him!  I dealt with him in a clever and witty fashion…


Flashback: Six months ago.  Brousa is standing on a balcony, drinking some tea, when Adric approaches him.


Borusa:  Can I help you young man?


Adric:  Yes, I was wondering if you could…!  Oh, look!  A flock of Turtles!


Boursa:  (Excited.)  Really?  Where?  Where?


Borusa scans the skies for the turtles, while Adric runs away.


End Flashback:


Dr. 5:  Hah!  If I know the real Borusa, he wouldn't have fallen for your trick so easily, and is at this very moment, organizing your arrest!


At this very moment…


Borusa still stands on the balcony, looking up at the skies with a hopeful smile.


Back to the Secret hideout…


Adric:  I wouldn't count on it!  You and your other selves won't be ending this story alive, Doctor.


Dr. 5:  Hmmm, well, speaking of living.  You're still alive, huh?  I was just curios, how did you survive, and why do you hate me?


Adric: For the love of… fine! I'll tell you how I survived.


Flashback: Adric is furiously working away at the computer, trying to prevent the ship's bomb from going off.


Adric:  I did it!  I dis-armed the bomb!  Now it won't destroy the Earth, and I'm going to be a hero!


Back in the TARDIS, Dr. 5 has killed the Cyber-Leader with Adric's gold star, and is celebrating his victory.


Dr. 5:  Well, that's another dangerous disaster averted by me, the Doctor.  Now to relax.


Dr. 5 squats down, and sits on the dead body of the Cyber-Leader.  As he does so, he sits on a remote control and activates it.


Dr. 5:  Whoops!  I hope that didn't do anything bad.


Back onboard the ship.  Adric is dancing a jig when suddenly, a secret panel flips up, and a second count down begins.  A count down of five seconds.


Adric:  Aw Crap!


He dives into an escape pod, and blasts free of the ship, before it explodes.  We then see the escape pod hurtling towards Earth.  It starts to go bright red as it re-enters the Earth's atmosphere.


Adric:  (Singing) Feelin' hot, hot, hot…


Dr. 5:  (Voice Over) Oh, now that's just lame!


Adric:  (Voice Over) Quiet you! Anyway…


Eventually The pod ends up crashing in the North Pole.  As it lies there steaming a tribe of killer penguins waddle up to the pod.  The door opens, and out comes Adric, to be meet by the penguins.




(Translation: Let us skin him alive and eat him.)




(Translation: No, first we must bring him back to our lair and boil him in oil.  Then we shall skin him alive and serve him with a lovely mint sauce.)


Adric:  I think I'm going to like hangin' with these penguins.


End flashback.


Adric: And I did!


Pan around to the face of Dr. 5.  He looks slightly worried.  Suddenly, there is a beeping noise from the other room.


Dr. 2:  Hello capitol, this is the Doctor speaking.  Are you there, Doctor?


Dr. 5:  Hah!  You're in for it now, Adric!  I'll call my other selves and we'll pound the living tar out of you!


Adric:  I don't think so, Doctor!  For you see, I shall soon have you under my control.


Dr. 5:  Pfft.  Like I haven't herd that one before.


Adric:  You'll do as I say, or…  (Lifts up shirt.) I'll tell you about my nice little trip to the hospital, and discus the removal of my pancreas.


Dr. 5 turns away at the sight of the horrible looking scar, and screws up his face.


Dr. 5:  All right, all right!  I'll do what you say, just don't point that thing at me.  (Walking over to the control panel.)  Listen up guys, Everything's o-key-doe-key up here.  I'll be joining you in a jiffy!


Adric:  Let's go, Doctor!


Dr. 5 and Adric walk onto the flashing platform, and vanish.


Meanwhile…  Ahh, you bloody know where!


All the three Doctors stand by, as a flashing platform inside Rassilon's chamber glows bright red, and two figures appear.


Dr. T:  What the hell--!?!


To everyone's amazement, Dr. 5 and Adric have been fused together by the transport.


Dr. T:  It would seem that no one can go through the teleported at the same time, and their DNA has been fussed together.


Dr. 2:  Doctor?  Are you okay?


Dr. 5:  Me? Oh, I'm fine. Well, apart from the soul-destroying nightmare my life's become.


Dr. 3:  So, same as always then?


Dr. 5: Pretty much.


Brigadier:  Great, so now what do we do?


Tegan:  Adric?  Is that you?


Adric:  Yes, Tegan, it's me, and the moment I get free from this… abomination, I'll destroy all the Doctors!


Dr. 2:  What's he going on about?


Dr. 5 is about to answer, when they here the sound of an approaching earth automobile.  Suddenly, an ambulance van crashes through the wall, and out step two figures.


Rommana 2:  Your driving stinks, Doctor!


Dr. 4:  So I ran a few stop signs…


Rommana 2:  (Pealing some signs of the front of the ambulance.) Yeah, and here they all are!


Dr. T:  Well, it's about you got here, Fool!


Dr. 4:  It's not my fault.  I got arrested!  (Notices Dr. 5 and Adric.)  Oh, that's an interesting piece of art.  VanGouh?


Adric:  Doctor!  How did you get here?  I haven't finished arranging the paperwork to get you released.


Dr. 4:  I used my charm and whit to get out.  (Trade make grin.) Can you not resist the charm of this smile?


Rommana 2:  What are you talking about, Doctor?  You bit the guard and stole his ambulance.


Adric:  Enough!  Doctor, are there surgical tools in there?  (Dr. 4 nods.)  Good, you'll separate us at once.


Dr. 4: Why me?


Adric:  Well, you are a doctor, are you not?


Dr. 4:  Well, yes but…


Adric:   Then separate us!


Dr. 4 looks at the others, and then shrugs.  He leads the fussed Adric and Dr. 5 into the back of the ambulance, and closes the door.  The others watch as there is the sound of a buzz-saw, when suddenly, a painful ripping sound is heard.


Dr. 4: Oops. I hope neither of them needed that.


A few minutes later, Dr. 5, Dr. 4 and Adric emerge, all normal.


Adric:  Now, you can both get over there with the others.


Dr. 4:  Sheese, someone obviously didn't get their daily dose of caffeine this morning.


Adric:  (Pointing a ray gun) At last, I have all five doctors here, at my mercy…  (Sees Dr. T)  What the fuck!?!


Dr. T:  I'm cleverly cast replacement for William Hartnell as the 1st Doctor.


Adric looks over at the others, who just shrug in reply.


Adric:  What ever…  Very s-soon.  I'm going…  Going to haaaaaaaave…  (Begins to sway.)  Oooohhh, I feel faint.


Adric falls over, to revel that he's bleeding like crazy.


Dr. T:  (To Dr. 4) Hey, fool, when you separated 'em!  Did you remember to sow them back up?


Dr. 5:  (Looks down to see that he's bleeding too.)  I guess not.


Dr. 4:  I told you before, I'm not a doctor, I'm just an actor.


Suddenly, a huge hologram of Rassilon appears of over the Tomb of Rassilon.




Dr. 2:  Oh, shut that up already!


Rassilon:  WHAT…!?!  HOW DARE YOU…!


Dr. 3 then walks over to the tomb of Rassilon, and pulls out a plug.


Rassilon:  WHAT…!?!  NO…!!!  DON'T PULL THAT ---!!!


Dr. 3 pulls out the cord, and the image of Rassilon vanishes.


Dr. 4:  Well, now what?


Dr. T:  I guess this is good-bye then, fool!


Tegan:  Finally.  Come along Doctor.


Dr. 5:  T-Tegan, I've lo-lost quite a lot of b-blood here.


Turlough:  Excuses, Excuses.


Dr. 5:  I'm starting to hallucinate.  Uuuggghhh! (Falls over.)


Tegan:  (Picking up Dr. 5) Forget it, Let's just drag him outta here.


Dr. 5:  I see Elvis!  Go King!





The Master stands in a misty room, fog is everywhere, and a deep bombing voice is speaking to him.


Voice: Master!  You have failed to destroy the Doctors! You know what this means?


Master:  (Fearfully) No Christmas day bonus?


Voice:  Exactly!


Master:  (Turns to leave.) Dang.


Voice: You didn't say it.


Master:  Do I have to?


Voice:  SAY IT!!!


The Master sighs, and shoves his arm into the air.


Master:  Hail Microsoft.


Voices:  (Much louder.) HAIL MICROSOFT!!! HAIL MICROSOFT!!! HAIL...


Elsewhere, again…


The TARDIS is spinning through time and space.  At the controls, are Dr. T and Susan.


Susan:  That was great how you managed to get everyone back to their proper places in Time, grandfather.


Dr. T:  Of course I'm great, Fool!  I'm… (Looks up at the radar screen) HOLY SHIT!?!?!


The TARDIS collides with a DeLorean.


Doc. Brown:  Great Scott!  Watch were your going, idiot!!!



Elsewhere, once more…


Dr. 2 and Brigadier are walking along a jungle path that looks like something from the Jurassic age.


Dr. 2:  Well, that was one whacked out adventure.


Brigadier:  (Looking around) Are you sure we're back in our proper place in time, Doctor?


Dr. 2:  Oh, you have no faith in my abilities, Brigad…


A loud rumbling can be heard behind them.  Turning around they see a large boulder heading straight towards them.


Dr. 2 & Brigadier: …OH SHI-




The impact hurtles both of them, into a tar pit, where they immediately sink below the surface.  On a high ledge a caveman can be seen looking down.


Caveman: …Ug made another boo-boo…


Blah, blah, blah…


Dr. 3 walks into UNIT H.Q.


Brigadier:  It's about time you got back!  Where the freak'n hell is the pizza?


Dr. 3:  Oh, I left it in Bessy, who is parked back in the Dead zone on another planet.


Brigadier:  Well, that's coming out of your salary.


Dr. 3:  Oh, Fuck!


Brigadier:  Say, you haven't seen Captain Yates and Liz Shaw around have you?  I can't seem to find them anywhere.



London, The Present…


Dr. 4 and Romana 2 are sitting at a café enjoying some coffee.


Dr. 4:  You know, even as brilliant as I am, I still haven't been able to answer one mind-boggling question.


Romana 2:  Really?  What's that?


Dr. 4:  If the Fonz from the TV show, 'Happy Days' was so cool.  Have come he never had any friends his own age?


Romana 2 goes to speak, but is silent, and then she nods in agreement.  Suddenly, a large butterfly net is thrown over both Dr. 4 and Romana 2.


Orderly:  There you are!  Thought you could escape from us, did you!?!


Guard:  Careful guys, (Points at Dr. 4) that one there's a biter!



Meanwhile, back in the TARDIS…


Dr. 5 walks into the control room with some bandages around his waist.


Tegan:  Well, it looks like this adventure is over!


Dr. 5:  It's a pity about poor Adric though.  (Sniff) I never got to even tell him I was his father.


Tegan:  Really?  Adric's your Son?


Dr. 5:  (Sniff) No.  I just wanted to screw with him one last time.  But now I'll never get that chance ever again.  (Bursts into tears.)


Tegan:  There, there!


Dr. 5:  (Getting up) Well, no use crying over spilt milk.  Now, at least we've tied up all the lose ends for once.


Tegan:  All the lose ends?


Dr. 5:  Yep!  All the lose ends.  Now, Turlough, let's…  (Looks around) Turlough?  Hey, where is he?


Meanwhile, Turlough walks around through the fog of the Dead Zone.  Suddenly, some shapes materialize out of the fog, and reveal themselves to be penguins.






Turlough:  I think I'm going to like hangin' with these penguins.


And thus we bring an end to an epic tale of stupidity!