The Alternate Big Finish Guide

DIY Sheep versus Doctor Who and everybody else

Audio is the perfect medium for flogging wild kinky sex to the kiddies

Many people have come up to me, asking how I managed to gather together such disparate comedic ideals and plaster them all over Paul McGann's Big Finish audio adventures and I would just like to state, here and now, that the choices I made were simple.

Because I am brilliant.

Yes, I am.

God, I'm brilliant. Sometimes I even surprise myself! God, I'm BRILLIANT! I wonder, if they cloned me, which one would be smarter? Me, of course - because I'm brilliant!! I mean, look at the character of Charley Pollard - making her a compulsive nymphomaniac stalker... That was just brilliant! It was so brilliant only I could have thought of it!

You know, some people think, in the new series of Doctor Who, the Ninth Doctor should get Rose pregnant and have an illegitimate love child - I thought of that idea BEFORE the show was revived! THAT is brilliance! But, you know, if RTD does something similar, fair enough. I like RTD. He's brilliant. Almost as brilliant as me, but not quite. No one is as brilliant as I am, because I'm fantastically brilliant. I'm so brilliant, I know what people are thinking. They're thinking, "Wow! He's brilliant! I wish I was as clever as him! Only HE could have taken the mickey on three whole seasons of Eighth Doctor adventures!"

More of my brilliance can be found in the Scream of the Shalka section. Many people say dumping this Unbound REG Doctor in the middle of the Eighth Doctor's canon is useless - whoever put it in must have a brain the size of an ant's contact lense. But, however, it is a masterstroke. You're just not brilliant enough to see it like I am.

All that's left is to remind everyone that the guide makes a lot more sense if you've seen Charles Daniel's insanity beforehand in his quest to show the TRUE Doctor Who to the world, and that I've also got sixth and seventh Doctor stories in the brilliant pipeline. Now, do I need to actually say that? Of course I do, otherwise this introduction would be just empty webspace. Actually, that would be cheaper, I suppose...

Well, that's the introduction over and done with, thanks to a brilliant idea of mine.

DEAR GOD, I AM SO BRILLIANT!

Ewen the Genius

Just humour him...

WARNING! DANGER WILL ROBINSON! This collection contains naughty bits and may be offensive to people who wear socks with sandals and live with their mum. Yes I'm talking about you - Richard E Grant.

Paul McGann bloody well can

the real reason the Doctor tried to escape to the spooky universe

The little fellow is perfectly all right: Sylvester carries on

Hands up who likes the fat one in the stupid coat?

Cricket Boy takes the crease

'If you click on sad.pathetic.wanker@doctorwho.co.uk you actually get the Big Finish site.'

'The Doctor - asexual? Get real, I don't care what the fans - sick little anoraks - want to believe, but I'm a shag magnet.'

'I'm feeling strangely horny.'

'What, these are spoofs? I just thought the series had gone down hill.'
Tom Baker

Richard E still can't

'Yeah well EWEN, you don't have your own brigade now do you luvvie?'
Paul McGann

'People say that Paul McGann is very private person and is terribly camera shy. And that is why we have so much trouble getting him to pose for Big Finish publicity photos. Well let me just say that is total nonsense. Paul is just an uncooperative pratt.'

'Sex, orgies, unlimited sandwiches on the refreshment trolley. It wasn't like that in my day - damn it!'

'Some called it an exploration of the intricate relationship between the Doctor and Charley that brought tears to their eyes. Others called it total toss. And that was just Paul and India. God knows what the fans will think.'

Rob "Sheer Brilliance" Shearman

'We could just pretend we were drunk when we wrote it?'

'And that the cast were actually dead when they recorded it!'

'Actually Jon was dead at the time.'

'Absolutely no one mention Huxley or Orwell and we may just get away with it.'

'I like to record all of my audios wearing an eyepatch. Why? Well I'm just a bit kinky. I also like to go shopping wearing women's underwear.'

EMPIRE OF THE DALEKS XVII

(THE ONE WHERE THEY TRY TO TAKE OVER SOME PLANET - AGAIN AND SHOUT A LOT ABOUT HOW THEY ARE GOING TO TAKE OVER SOME PLANET AND JUST DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT TRYING TO STOP THEM)

Written by Nick Briggs

Directed by Nick Briggs

Starring: Nick Briggs

Sound Designer: Nick Briggs

Dalek Emperor: Nick Briggs

Every other Dalek: Nick Briggs

Every other character: Nick Briggs

Richard E never could

'By Rassilon, she's a hot little filly'

The Doctor on seeing Charley

'I'm the only Time Lord in this universe'

Richard E Grant eats babies

'Personally I thought that Scream of the Shalka really did counterpoint the surrealism of the underlying metaphor.'

Idiot Doctor Who fan

'Audio is the perfect medium for when the actors get old and fat and can't remember their lines. We just wait for all the appearences on The Bill to dry up and then they will do it for a fiver and a scotch finger biscuit.'

The real reason Christopher Eccleston left: Richard E Grant!

Sometimes I regret not playing the Doctor longer. But then again sometimes I regret not shoving that piece of celery up John Nathan Turner's arse.

This is apparently the youth of today's Australia. A right dodgy looking bunch if you ask me.

Well we thought it might be nice to pop in a little link to Charles' site. I mean he is such a nice boy and he does try so hard. And it is funny... in an 'undergraduate' sort of way if you know what I mean. Got to give the little chap a bit of encouragement or the next thing you know he'll be doing somthing odd, like the time they found him naked with that rubbish bin in East Harrow (he claimed it was research, but sadly the judge didn't agree). However, as I said - lovely chap... just no sudden moves okay!


				DIY Sheep versus Doctor Who and everybody else Audio is the perfect medium for flogging wild kinky sex to the kiddies



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