DIY Sheep versus Doctor Who and everybody else

Audio is the perfect medium for flogging wild kinky sex to the kiddies

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Ewen Campion Clarke looks nothing like this. This is in fact a picture of Christopher Eccleston

Many people have come up to me, asking how I managed to gather together such disparate comedic ideals and plaster them all over Paul McGann's Big Finish audio adventures and I would just like to state, here and now, that the choices I made were simple.

Because I am brilliant.

Yes, I am.

God, I'm brilliant. Sometimes I even surprise myself! God, I'm BRILLIANT! I wonder, if they cloned me, which one would be smarter? Me, of course - because I'm brilliant!! I mean, look at the character of Charley Pollard - making her a compulsive nymphomaniac stalker... That was just brilliant! It was so brilliant only I could have thought of it!

You know, some people think, in the new series of Doctor Who, the Ninth Doctor should get Rose pregnant and have an illegitimate love child - I thought of that idea BEFORE the show was revived! THAT is brilliance! But, you know, if RTD does something similar, fair enough. I like RTD. He's brilliant. Almost as brilliant as me, but not quite. No one is as brilliant as I am, because I'm fantastically brilliant. I'm so brilliant, I know what people are thinking. They're thinking, "Wow! He's brilliant! I wish I was as clever as him! Only HE could have taken the mickey on three whole seasons of Eighth Doctor adventures!"

More of my brilliance can be found in the Scream of the Shalka section. Many people say dumping this Unbound REG Doctor in the middle of the Eighth Doctor's canon is useless - whoever put it in must have a brain the size of an ant's contact lense. But, however, it is a masterstroke. You're just not brilliant enough to see it like I am.

All that's left is to remind everyone that the guide makes a lot more sense if you've seen Charles Daniel's insanity beforehand in his quest to show the TRUE Doctor Who to the world, and that I've also got sixth and seventh Doctor stories in the brilliant pipeline. Now, do I need to actually say that? Of course I do, otherwise this introduction would be just empty webspace. Actually, that would be cheaper, I suppose...

Well, that's the introduction over and done with, thanks to a brilliant idea of mine.


Ewen the Genius

Actually he looks a bit like this

Just humour him...

WARNING! DANGER WILL ROBINSON! This collection contains naughty bits and may be offensive to people who wear socks with sandals and live with their mum. Yes I'm talking about you - Richard E Grant.

The Enema Within: The television movie

Shagged'er II: This Time It's Finished (that's Shada by the way)

The Tarrants of Time (the one that started it all)

Richard E Can't

Scream of the Total Piss Poor Monsters (You know the one I'm talking about)

Paul McGann bloody well can

Sick Morning (Storm Warning)

Bored of Ironing (Sword of Orion)

The Stoned of Venice (even I can get that one)

the real reason the Doctor tried to escape to the spooky universe

Inuit in Hell (although personally I don't remember any Native American Indians in Malebrogia)

Evaders From Bars (Invaders From Mars)

The Crime of Fright Night (The Chimes of Midnight)

Vogon Cutaway (Actually that is The Living Legend - yes I know - he has been watching far too much Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy)

Reasons to Care (Season of Fear)

Encase the Arseholes (Embrace the Darkness)

The Rhyme of the Dustbins (the one with the Daleks)

Nowhere Land (never never ever say never again)

Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass (I know, isn't he rude)

Schizo (the lovey dovey one)

The Credo of the Moron (presumably that is a dig at the writer)

The Actual Mystery of Beer (God I love beer - so cold, so tastey, so beer like)

The Twice-A-Night-Kingdom (That was the dreary one with the caves)

Faith Dealer

The Lust (It is all about sex baby)

Cardiff (It wasn't Rassilon you know. It was Charlottle Church)

The Best Life (yeah - Zagreus, but without the good bits)

The little fellow is perfectly all right: Sylvester carries on

Go Book A Room (Bing a bam a boom boom boom! The Deep Space Nine Rip off)

Fist Fight

The Fans of Vulcan (no, not the one with the pointy ears)

Excelsior Bouquets (the one with Sylvester - I think)

The Jazzocise Machine (think Daleks)

Hands up who likes the fat one in the stupid coat?

Revenge of the Autons

Slip Up (Yeah, I have blanked it out of my mind too)

Whispers of Error

ick (look it up in a dictionary)

The Maid Marian Conspiracy

D'you Believe This? (Jubilee - who doesn't love coloured bunting)

The Soundman

The Inspector of Lanyon Moor (isn't that actually the title? I'm confused)

The one with the penguin

Cricket Boy takes the crease

Omigod (yes exactly)

Fan & Phantasmagoria

'If you click on you actually get the Big Finish site.'
Gary Russell

'The Doctor - asexual? Get real, I don't care what the fans - sick little anoraks - want to believe, but I'm a shag magnet.'
The Doctor

'I'm feeling strangely horny.'
India Fisher

Richard E Can't

'What, these are spoofs? I just thought the series had gone down hill.'
Tom Baker

Richard E still can't

'Yeah well EWEN, you don't have your own brigade now do you luvvie?'
Paul McGann

'People say that Paul McGann is very private person and is terribly camera shy. And that is why we have so much trouble getting him to pose for Big Finish publicity photos. Well let me just say that is total nonsense. Paul is just an uncooperative pratt.'
Jason Ellery Queen

'Sex, orgies, unlimited sandwiches on the refreshment trolley. It wasn't like that in my day - damn it!'
Sylvester McCoy

'Some called it an exploration of the intricate relationship between the Doctor and Charley that brought tears to their eyes. Others called it total toss. And that was just Paul and India. God knows what the fans will think.'
Rob "Sheer Brilliance" Shearman

'We could just pretend we were drunk when we wrote it?'
'And that the cast were actually dead when they recorded it!'
'Brilliant Gary.'
'Thanks Jason.'
'We are geniuses.'
'Darn right.'
A pause...
'Actually Jon was dead at the time.'

'Absolutely no one mention Huxley or Orwell and we may just get away with it.'
Gary Russell

'I like to record all of my audios wearing an eyepatch. Why? Well I'm just a bit kinky. I also like to go shopping wearing women's underwear.'
Nick Courtney

Written by Nick Briggs
Directed by Nick Briggs
Starring: Nick Briggs
Sound Designer: Nick Briggs
Dalek Emperor: Nick Briggs
Every other Dalek: Nick Briggs
Every other character: Nick Briggs

Richard E never could

'By Rassilon, she's a hot little filly'
The Doctor on seeing Charley

'I'm the only Time Lord in this universe'
The Doctor

Richard E Grant eats babies

'Personally I thought that Scream of the Shalka really did counterpoint the surrealism of the underlying metaphor.'
Idiot Doctor Who fan 

'Audio is the perfect medium for when the actors get old and fat and can't remember their lines. We just wait for all the appearences on The Bill to dry up and then they will do it for a fiver and a scotch finger biscuit.'
Gary Russell

The real reason Christopher Eccleston left: Richard E Grant!

Sometimes I regret not playing the Doctor longer. But then again sometimes I regret not shoving that piece of celery up John Nathan Turner's arse.
Peter Davison


This is apparently the youth of today's Australia. A right dodgy looking bunch if you ask me.

Well we thought it might be nice to pop in a little link to Charles' site. I mean he is such a nice boy and he does try so hard. And it is funny... in an 'undergraduate' sort of way if you know what I mean. Got to give the little chap a bit of encouragement or the next thing you know he'll be doing somthing odd, like the time they found him naked with that rubbish bin in East Harrow (he claimed it was research, but sadly the judge didn't agree). However, as I said - lovely chap... just no sudden moves okay!

Charles' Alternative Guide