DIY Sheep versus Doctor Who and everybody else

The Enemy Within

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Serial 8A - Doctor Root & The Enema Within
First Entry in the EC Unauthorized Program Guide O' Egyptian Koalas


Serial 8A - Doctor Root & The Enema Within

"It was on the planet Fargo that my ex-wife and part-time pro-wrestling cheese impersonator, the Bastard finally achieved his life-long ambition to become the greatest drag-act in Mutter's Spiral: Florentine de le Palme. They say he listened calmly as the nominations for Sexiest Bearded Woman 30906 and decision made - he had beaten Lavros, Queen of Deep Space by a nose, left arm and two legs. The Dustbins immediately turned on him, vowing to scrub away mascara and nail polish to reveal the balding, middle-aged temporal parasite within. Then he made his last and, I thought, somewhat curious request. He demanded that I, the Doctor, a rival Time Lord, should whistle the theme tune to Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy as he was reduced to ashes. All in all, I still have no freaking idea why he requested it, but I have a sneaking suspicion I shouldn't have granted it..."

The huge, puss-coloured planet lurches past, the twin moons above shifting to become two haggared, cat-like eyes. But the pupil of the right eye is, in fact, the Bastard, standing at a urinal wearing a cycling helmet. A massive shock rips through the Bastard, who explodes, his bloody remains dripping to form the words DOCTOR WHO. This zooms out to show the Seventh Doctor sitting in his chair, eyes wide and face pale.

"ACE!" he shouts. "Have you been putting LSD in the teapot again??!!"

The shaken Doctor, still reeling from this unintentional trip, stumbles around the control room, unsure if it has been redesigned as a gigantic mass of metal, wood and antiques or if he is still hallucinating. A quick check of his 900 Year Diary shows all the pages are blank - all in all, an astonishly accurate and detailed biography since the BBC cancelled the show back in 1989. The Doctor checks the console and finds the TARDIS is caught in San Fransisco traffic. The year is 1999 by the timescale of humans, 5725 by the timescale of Rassilon, and Minus-OOek-Klek-Bar by the timescale of the Minions of Threek. The Doctor collapses back into his plush chair, idly wondering if he will ever escape from this Californian traffic jam and return to life he once lead. He munches on some jelly babies, eying the statues and ticking clocks cautiously in drug-induced paranoia. Finally, he forces himself to calm down and relax. At that moment, his tea cup hurls itself across the control room and ruins his priceless Ace of Base CD collection, and a jar of hair gel explodes, allowing its contents to slurp into the console.

At this moment the Doctor screams hysterically and tries to hide inside a copy of H.G. Well's The Time Machine. After ruining this and several other rare first copies, he notices that the console is sparking and bursting, with various screens saying ILLEGAL OPERATION, CRITICAL MALFUNCTION, and YOU'VE LEFT THE GAS ON! The Doctor runs the console and hauls on a brake lever marked BREAK and the TARDIS grinds to a halt. Immediately, a huge pile-up occurs and the TARDIS is smashed and bashed, thrown straight up in the air and straight down in a back alley way, where Chinese gangmembers are providing an ethnic cleansing service. The fact their victims are fellow Chinese gangmembers show that they are in no way hypocrites and will kill anyone who needs killing. As total professionals, the gangsters are not shaken in the slightest when a large blue Police Telephone Box lands in front of a victim and takes the bullets meant for him. Instead, they merely reload and wait patiently for the door to open and the Doctor to emerge, shouting "Who the hell NEEDS the damned scanner screen anyway?" before he is gunned down like the dog he is.

As total professionals, the villains have fulfilled their kill quota for this evening and head off to a charity ball to provide entertainment. Their intended victim, a Vietnamese juggler Chang Lee comes from behind the TARDIS and blubbers at the horror of what he has seen and how it will haunt him for the rest of his days, but his sobs are interrupted when the Doctor moans that he's ISN'T dead, but is just very badly injured and in quite a lot of pain. Chang Lee ignores him and begins to loot his possessions, insisting that this is what the mysterious stranger would have wanted. The Doctor babbles that he bloody well would not and requests Chang Lee both flag down the ambulance and watch out from the hairgel leaking out of the TARDIS lock. Chang Lee pretends not to hear him and begins to take off his trousers when the ambulance arrives and Bruce Astbrad demands to know what in tarnation is going on here. Chang Lee frantically explains that they were just passing by when the Doctor's trousers fell down and the others fell heavily onto bullets. He gives the Doctor's name as Dr. John Root on a release form as they arrive at the Wanker General Hospital. The hairgel shuffles unconvincingly after the Doctor as he is checked and discovers the bullets have caused no damage and the Time Lord has simply sprained his ankle. In order to get back at the Doctor for wasting their time they decide to book him for dangerous and illegal keyhole surgery in the cardiology department.

At the Grand Metropolitan Opera House, Dr. Grace Holloway is throwing popcorn at the performers in Madam Butterfly, and dumps her boyfriend Brian in order to perform unnecessary surgery on a Scotsman. At the operating room, Grace asks a nurse to play a CD of hideous screams and chainsaws to relax herself and also get the Doctor's hearts fibrillating at 300. The Doctor - who has not been given anaesthetic in order to save costs - urges her to stop, he babbles about himself not being human, how he is not like her, and how he's not insured. Grace explains she wants to see how many organs can be removed from a Scotsman before he drops dead, and the Doctor relaxes, challenging her to kill him. She promptly picks up a machete and pulverizes his midsection in an insane bonzai-type mashing maneuver. The hospital administrator enters, showing potential investers around, and the surgeons boast that the machine that goes ping is working perfectly. Satisfied, the administrator and co leave, slipping slightly on the ever-expanding pool of blood. Grace feels dTja vu - remembering the last time she brutally murdered a healthy Scotsman, and decides she shall change her irrational hatred to all things donkey related. Grace wins the staff lottery and thus gets to break the news to Chang Lee, who steals the Doctor's possessions and runs off into the night - typical behavior in San Francisco, so no one stops him.

Meanwhile, the Doctor is wheeled into a mortury by two overseers, Bill and Ted, who are forced to work in Wanker General Hospital ever since their air guitaring went out of fashion six months ago. Upon learning that the victim used a time-travelling phone box, they decide to commandeer it and change their dull present into a fantastic future. However, they are booked to appear at the New Year's Eve party and so decide to finish that before doing anything else. The Doctor is put in an ice box and, at midnight, the Doctor's Time Lord Flair For the Drammatic kicks in and his body glows with electricity, shifts, contorts changes and he slumps back, new in body but just as dead. At this point the new Doctor remembers about breathing in and out and soon recovers consciousness.

Meanwhile, Bruce the paramedic decides to dress up as the Terminator for the New Year's Eve party, and adds some hairjell to his dirty locks. Immediately, Bruce Astbrad becomes the Bastard for tax reasons! Finally back in the mortal coil, with a new body that fits like a glove, the Bastard shags Bruce's wife to death in a scene deemed too intense for television. Indeed, Gay Russell's novelization consists entirely of this sequence in extreme and graphic detail. Which I can't honestly complain about.

Bill and Ted are passing the time by telling the "Knock, knock"-Doctor Who jokes and, furious, the shroud-wrapped Eighth Doctor punches his way out of the ice box and snaps their necks. As they die (again), gasping "Party on, dudes..." the Doctor spits in their faces, steals their fancy dress costume and eats their popcorn before dozing off next to a curly-haired man in a long scarf, who offers him a jelly baby and introduces himself as the Doctor. The dazed Eighth Doctor checks his toe-tag and finds his name is "John Root" and so the two exchange conversational pleasantries before going their separate ways. The Doctor returns to the scene of the crime where a bored Grace can't be arsed calling the cops about two dead stoners and so dumps their bodies in the ice box and decides to harvest their organs in future. As she heads back home, "John Root" chats her up and offers to show her REAL fribrillation. As the new Doctor no longer resembles either a Scotsman or a donkey (as far as we know), Grace accepts.

Just at that moment, the Bastard arrives and asks the man in the scarf what all the flap is about. The man explains that a dead body last night has vanished, but has made up for this for providing two fresh corpses. Sensing the insane generosity of the Doctor behind that, the Bastard decides to go back to the TARDIS and lay an ambush. The man in the scarf reminds him that he doesn't have any way of getting inside, and so offers him a spare key. The Bastard thanks him and enters the TARDIS just before Chang Lee enters with a bottle of parrafin and a match - but his insurance scandal dreams are temporarily scuppered as he realizes that the time machine is BIGGER on the INSIDE than it is on the OUTSIDE! Yes, he'll definitely need more parrafin for this job. The Bastard suggests that rather than simply setting fire to this mysterious machine, he might actually do something sensible and find out, for example, what the **** a bigger-on-the-inside police box is doing in the middle of San Francisco, 1999? Chang Lee thinks about this for a while, gives up, and begins dousing the control room in petrol. Sighing, the Bastard uses the mysterious Hypno-Coin to hypnotize Chang Lee to hand over the Doctor's stolen possessions. When Chang Lee says that the man he stole them from was some passing Frenchman, and the Bastard hisses "HE'S NOT FRENCH!" He grabs the boy by the throat and tells Chang Lee that the Doctor is a total arsehole and they must beat him with rubber tubing. Chang Lee is allowed to have a quick smoke and asks, "What's the capital of Alaska?" The Bastard taps his cheek, "You know."

The Doctor is amazed that Grace has an amazingly detailed and accurate portrait of him in her front room, and is rather put out when Grace explains he's just looking in the mirror. The Doctor explains he has shock-induced amnesia, probably brought on by his near-failed regeneration. Grace asks how the hell the Doctor could know this if he can't remember anything, and the Doctor quickly changes topic by noting her truly awful CD collection of FOX sound effects volume 4: Chainsaw-Killers on the Loose. Grace is sceptical, but he tells her he has 13 lives and he knows bad musical taste when he hears it. She tells him that no matter what he says, the dead stay dead and you can't turn back time. He says, "What on Earth are you on about? I was talking about your choice of music not Frankenstien, you wierdo!"

Aboard the TARDIS, the Bastard is shocked to learn that the Doctor's personal possessions are all nicked from him! Even his sonic screwdriver, pocket watch and bags of liquid cheese in case of Cyberman attack. A bored Chang Lee points out that there must be SOMETHING of the Bastard's the Doctor hasn't pinched, but the Bastard has a nasty feeling that his arch-nemesis nicked his wallet - which is where the Bastard keeps his spare regenerations. Following this train of thought, the Bastard concludes that the Doctor was in fact Genghis Khan. Chang Lee finds that kind of cool, and considers teaming up with this hellion. The Bastard changes tact, insisting that the Doctor is pure evil, but this only impresses Chang Lee further! Giving up, the Bastard hauls Chang Lee by the earlobe to the TARDIS Cloister Room, named after Cloister the Stupid because it features no Cloisters in any way, shape or form. It contains a whacking great staircase and is teaming with Batman logos dangling on string. The 57 Chevy of Rassilon is here and it is the device that powers the entire TARDIS, power from the heart of the structure. If they can open it, they'll get the satisfaction of a job well done. In a boring bit of Arthurian plagarism, the Bastard makes Chang Lee pull the staff out of the stone and use it to check the oil levels of the 57 Chevy. Chang Lee is electrocuted and flung across the room as the ancient engine rumbles into life, wobbling the set dangerously.

Wasting no time, the Doctor quickly makes himself at home, eats all the foot, steals Brian's shoes (clubbing him unconscious beforehand) and starts to relax on the sofa. Grace decides to take him into the park outside her house and drown him in the fountain, sick of his godawful name-dropping and arrogance. On the way the Doctor brags about how cool he was on Gallifrey, a real trend-setter and no one at all dared call him "Ape Boy" or "Monkey Molester" for his deep abiding love for human females. When Grace begins to point out the Doctor shouldn't be able to remember this, the Doctor suddenly screams, "THESE SHOES! THEY FIT PERFECTLY!" and starts doing cartwheels. He then falls flat on his arse as the vibrations from 57 Chevy reach him, and he gasps that he's suddenly remembered the Bastard's evil plan. Grace finds the "amnesia" excuse more and more suspect, so the Doctor screams, "I remember who I am! I'm a PINBALL WIZARD!! IT'S A MIRACLE!" and kisses Grace passionately - at least until he remembers how vile humans taste, and retches.
The Bastard is surprised that the windscreen mirror does not reflect him, but the Seventh Doctor. He is more surprised when the reflection changes to that of the Eighth Doctor. His surprise mainly stems for the fact there is absolutely no reason for this to be happening and he wasn't intending anything like it to happen. This plot hole damages the Bastard's psyche even further - and he suddenly announces that the Doctor is half apricot! This revelation is neatly sidestepped when Grace appears in the mirror and the Bastard gasps, "Day-AM! White woman's got some BIG boobies! Must be one o' them Doctor Who companions!" The Bastard decides that the need to find the Doctor before the Doctor finds a baboon, and the battered Chang Lee begins to suspect that the Bastard is a total nutter.

The Doctor explains to Grace that the 57 Chevy of Rassilon is the power source at the heart of the TARDIS, which is his ship that carries him through Time and Space and the Bastard is a rival Time Lord, whose remains he was talking back to Gallifrey from Fargo after his final incarnation had died, or so they thought, but the Bastard isn’t dead and has set up a trap and he wants the Doctor to shove his head into the Chevy's engine, and if he shoves his head into the Chevy's engine, his soul will be destroyed allowing the Bastard to steal his body and inhabit it for his own life and furthermore, if the Chevy isn't switched off by midnight, the planet will be run over and in order to stop it the Doctor must fix the timing mechanism on the TARDIS with a beryllium atomic clock. All of this is explained in less time than it took you to read the previous sentence and screamed in an annoying high-pitched whine.

Grace responds by calmly kicking him in the nuts and running into her house, vowing never to complain about "Cheese-Breath" Brian again. The Doctor runs after her and explains that the horrible vibrations from the Chevy are changing the molecular structure of the planet. To prove this, he walks through a window. This does not impress Grace, who had been meaning to add some glass to the window for some time. Sighing, the Doctor walks through another window, which warps and snaps around him. Grace explains that she covered that glassless window with cling-wrap two months ago. Annoyed, the Doctor asks Grace to find him a window with actual GLASS in it and so walks into that, smacks his forehead, and collapses unconscious with a bloody nose.

Grace prepares to kick the Doctor out onto the street, explaining that she has a party to attend at the Institute of Technological Research and Advancement, where a beryllium clock is being started. "They're celebrating the start of a new year, century and millennium by starting an atomic clock?" the Doctor replies. "What a bunch of gaywads!" However, he remembers that a beryllium clock is exactly what he needs to repair the TARDIS, and explains this whacking great plot contrivance by saying he PLANNED to come to San Francisco, 1999, just because there was one available. Grace points out that he was already in San Francisco BEFORE the Bastard sabotaged the TARDIS, to which the Doctor starts screaming about pantylines. After a while, he explains that he deliberately chose San Francisco 1999 and not, say, Vancouver, 2034 (where beryllium clocks are available at any corner shop), because he is a man on a mission. A mission to gatecrash every New Year's Eve party in the cosmos! Twice! At this point the Bastard and Chang Lee arrive and drag the Doctor away into their ambulance, and Grace hitches a lift.

Unfortunately, the ambulance quickly gets stuck in the pile-up caused by the Doctor in the first scene of the film. As the characters brood over this dramatic irony, the Doctor grows suspicious of the EMT, whose strange lizard impressions and boasts that he's slept with the Time Lord suggest he's really the Bastard. However, the Bastard seems allergic to the new Doctor's outfit and so sneezes violently, covering Grace in what could either be snot or hairgel. Screaming hysterically, the Doctor runs out of the ambulance and is about to steal a motorcycle when a traffic cop pulls a gun on him. The Doctor considers doing the old "pull the trigger, end my life" gag, but realizes that the "traffic cop" is a gangster who has already shot him today. He thus offers the cop the LSD soaked T-bag, saying, "C'mon Ponch. Taste the rainbow." As the cop freaks out and starts dancing, the Doctor shoots him through the heart, steals his bike and drives off.

Aboard the ambulance, the Bastard screams, "Hey, Yamaguchi! Take off the damn skates and step on the gas!!" and then goes on to explain that, as he and Change Lee are villains - distinctly EVIL villains! - it is a bit difficult to maintain an evil personas if they have the windshield wipers on. Chang Lee sighs, switches off the wipers and guns the engine, causing even more destruction and mayhem, but not half as much as the Doctor, who is driving like a maniac and trying to do some "Gone in 60 Seconds" stunts as he does burn-outs, wheelies around cars, passes cars, goes down a hill, up to another road, over a man repairing his tire. All of which prompting him to scream, "Yes, I AM giving up rock'n'roll! Right after my next tour! And my reunion tour with Elton John! And my farewell tour! YIPPE-KAI-YAY-HAY, MOTHER****ERS!"

Smashing his way into the ITRA base, the Doctor demands to be allowed to tinker with the atomic clock as he is British and better than anyone else in the whole world. It doesn't work. Niether does his magic hamster dance. Suddenly, Dr. Wagg, creator of the clock arrives and begins to chat the Doctor up. He will not hear of allowing "Dr. Root" closer to the clock. The Doctor asks him to bend the rules and tells Wagg his big secret: "My grandpa was Dutch-Irish, and my grandma was lesbian, that makes me quarter-lesbian. On my mother's side." Wagg laughs this off and goes off to be sick. The Doctor, having nicked Wagg's security pass, runs up to the huge clock and cuts it down with and axe. As he drags it towards the exit, a suspicious security guard decides to have a chat with him. The Doctor is saved at the last minute when a man with curly hair and a scarf arrives and distracts the guard with a jelly baby. Just as the Doctor escapes ITRA, the Bastard arrives and accidentally sneezes over most of the guests, drowning them in dripping slime. The Doctor activates a fire alarm to cover the dull incidental music and escapes in the confusion.

After ANOTHER ludicrous bike chase, this time with the Doctor tying sixteen tonnes of circuitry and glass to the back wheel, the situation returns to the TARDIS. The cloister bell is ringing, even though the Seventh Doctor ripped the batteries out when Ace linked it up to his alarm clock. There, however, the Bastard, Grace and Chang Lee are waiting. The Bastard point out that they only needed a tiny chip from the clock and not the whole damn thing, and the Doctor defends this by adding the huge timepiece to his meagre clock collection of three broken sport watches and an egg timer. Grace, however, is in fact a temporal physics genius when it comes to interdimensional transference threshold, and easily repairs the TARDIS. She explains she only ever took up surgery to cover her insane hatred of the Scottish. However, the cloister bell continues to ring - the Earth is so damaged it will collapse in six minutes. The Bastard frantically shuts down the 57 Chevy of Rassilon, but it doesn't help. All these idiotic cliches and plot contrivances are the cause of this mutally assured destruction - the universe's credulity buffers can no longer take this crap. The Doctor suggests they reverse the polarity of the neutron flow and channel energy from the console directly into the 57 Chevy - a giant, time-space enema! The Bastard suggests they just get the hell out of there and leave Earth to its fate. The Doctor refuses. Not on moral grounds, but just because he automatically gainsays everything the Bastard does on principle. Bored, Grace bludgeons the Doctor unconscious with a handy neutron ram. The Doctor tries to reason with her, and, sick of his ever-changing excuses, Grace kicks him in the ribs repeatedly.

The Doctor recovers consciousness in the Cloister Room as Grace slaps him awake and then slaps him unsconcious again. Chang Lee explains that they are all very lucky and that the Bastard's special evening is about to occur. The Bastard himself enters flamboyantly in a ballgown and fishnet stocking, leading a rousing chorous of "Let's Reverse The Polarity Again!" The Doctor suggests that the Bastard is slowly but surely going round the bend, and calls him "Acid Queen" when he doesn't listen. The ever-increasing insanity of the Bastard makes him snog Chang Lee, claiming he is "the unicorn I have never yearned for." The Doctor reminds everyone that the world is about to end and he should really be let free to fix it when Grace begins to hammer six-inch nails into his skull - ostensibly for acupuncture reasons.

The Doctor is dragged towards the bonnet of the 57 Chevy of Rassilon, screaming that the TARDIS has always been his and Grace is possessed by evil, not good. The Bastard reminds him he stole the TARDIS and Grace is acting of her own free will. Chang Lee inexplicably shouts out that he knows the truth and walks out of the Cloister Room. Not really sure what do with this plot development, the Bastard ultimately decides to stick to the old plan and opens the bonnet to shove the Doctor's head into the whirring engine. The stereo cranks up and the decrepit corpse of the Bastard grows younger, stronger, hairer... Until suddenly an exact copy of the Doctor stands wearing the wierd drag queen outfit. An impromptu performance of "YMCA" breaks out and the real Doctor screams "Stop this, please... STOP!!!!!"

Chang Lee is ransacking the control room when the man in the scarf and hat arrives and begins operating controls on the console. The time rotor grinds into life and the police box vanishes from the Earth in a flash of lightning. On the scanner, the Earth implodes as this implausible escape destroys any credibility left. The mysterious stranger then begins to program the time-space enema which will unwrite the plot of the movie and thus restore everything to normal. Awestruck, Chang Lee asks the man his name. "Call me... Rasputin," he sneers.

The Bastard is on the ropes as Grace finds the opportunity of torturing TWO Doctors irresistable, and has already chained both of them up and is attacking them with hot pokers. Suddenly, the 57 Chevy of Rassilon slams into reverse in a cheap negative effect. The set shakes violently as the Bastard returns to his former, American body and the invigorated Doctor frees himself and throws Grace off the balcony. The Bastard frees himself and together they begin to attack Grace with the Dipstick of Omigod. Grace kicks them both into the open engine of the 57 Chevy and only the Doctor escapes alive as one of the walls falls over.

In the control room, 'Rasputin' punches in the final commands into the console in an insane manner - blindfolded, over his shoulder, using darts. Already, the Earth has swirled back into existance and time is hurtling backwards. Chang Lee gets sick of this and simply punches a red button on the console and there is a fantastic explosion of trippy-colours that clears to show the Doctor, Grace, 'Rasputin' and Chang Lee on the floor. The Fourth Doctor congratulates himself on a job well done and the Doctor thanks him - the fact they have lived through this several times means the Eighth Doctor can actually look like he knows what he's doing. The TARDIS materializes outside Grace's flat and the Fourth Doctor heads off to gatecrash the Wanker General Hospital NYE ball, deciding to dress in a shroud to mock Bill and Ted, who are alive in this history. The Eighth Doctor considers breaking the news to the Fourth Doctor that the joke won't make sense to them as the story hasn't happened yet, but changes his mind. He'll find out later, which is why the Eighth Doctor already knows this.

The Doctor turns his attention to Grace and Chang Lee, whose puny Earth brains have been effected by the temporal enema and thus have no memory of the last few days. He thus tricks Chang Lee into handing over his possessions and begins to try and chat up Grace. She does not, however, believe that they had 'an adventure of great whimsey and excitement much like The Goonies' and refuses to hang around in the TARDIS for any longer than she has to. The Doctor screams "FINE! Go back to your own humdrum life in San Francisco! Don't worry about all the horrible environmental disasters that'll occur in the next few years! And remember to duck when the terrorists start attacking! Oh, and you DO become famous - when you get run over at a zebra crossing and it gets named after you! BURN IN HELL, YOU BITCH!"

He kicks her and Chang Lee out of the TARDIS, flips them the bird and dematerializes. Scowling with fury, he kicks at all the loose crap lying around and puts on an Ace of Base CD. As he sits down to have some tea, the trippy end credits start and he realizes he forgot to wash out the LSD. As the psychadelia continues, we hear the Doctor moan, "Neeeeeeeeaaaaaat!"
Book(s)/Other Related -
Doctor Who and Grace: 1999
Doctor Mysterio Le Seigneur Du Temps Parties til Dawn
Bill & Ted's All-In-All Rather Mediocre Adventure

Fluffs - Sylvester McCoy seemed mute and dangerous in this story

Although the soundtrack has the Doctor saying "I have THIRTEEN lives, Grace! And I wanna spend about four and a half of them with you" you can clearly say see Paul McGann saying "Dear God, there has got to be some way out of this drivel!"

When Grace complains that Curtis has pulled her corset on too tight, she reacts as though Curtis has apologized to her and not, in fact, snarled, "It's your own fault, you disgustingly overweight whore!"

The Doctor babbles to Grace and Change Lee that he has to get to the "Institute of Technicolodoraymefarsolahtorelogical Advancement and Research" when the the name of the building is quite clearly the organization is clearly called "Institute of Technicolodoraymefarsolahtorelogical RESEARCH and ADVANCEMENT"!

Goofs -
What the hell is the 57 Chevy of Rassilon doing on the inside of the TARDIS?!? Why is it clearly 89 Mitsubishi? The only thing THIS amazing power-source has in common with the 57 Chevy is its name! Of course, only fans would know that, so naming the device the 57 Chevy does sweet **** all apart from annoy the fans... Which is a good enough reason, I suppose.

Several close-ups of the motocycle chase show it is clearly a moustached biker with swastika tattoos riding the bike, with Paul McGann in the bitch's seat.

How does giving the TARDIS an enema stop the adventure from happening but doesn't revert the Doctor back to his Seventh self? Does the enema just have good taste?

In the final scene, Grace is bald for no obvious reason.

How come the Bastard is reduced to ashes but turns into hair gel? And how can the Bastard control people through their hair anyway??!?

In one of the ambulance scenes, the Bastard is clearly being presented as a cardboard cutout out of Reese Witherspoon.

When Earth is being destroyed, we see that absolutely nowhere across the world is New Year's Eve being celebrated at all. Not even in England.

The blonde TV presenter says wild horses couldn't drag her to the San Francisco Mean Time event, but when it rolls around, she's there, stealing the finger buffet.

Chang Lee doesn’t even begin to think that a man who takes over bodies, sprays paralising venom on people, hypnotises unwilling individuals, possess people, steals ambulances and is called 'the Bastard' might be evil.

Fashion Victims - The Bastard's tapioca-coloured ball gown

Whatever anyone is wearing in San Francisco - according to the producers, this is supposed to be 'five minutes into the future'. By that time, apparently, we will be wearing transparent plastic raincoats and no underwear. Woo hoo!

Fashion Triumphs - Grace, rushing to surgery in her fairy princess get-up. Without a bra.

Technobabble -
The Fourth Doctor destablizing the "happy ending circuitry" with a ray-phase shifting poylmer overload. But with panache. Anyone could destablize the "happy ending circuitry" with a ray-phase shifting poylmer overload, but to do with panache... that takes style.

Links and References -
The Fourth Doctor helps out the Eighth, who will be forced to return the favor in Shagged'er II: This Time It's Finished - which is eerily foreshadowed by his use of the alias 'Rasputin'

Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor was with Puccinini before he died. Apparently, his last words were, "Doctor, give me back my pills." He also refers to the fatwah being placed on him by Leonardo Da Vinci.

The Fourth Doctor spent ten years of his life gatecrashing every NYE party in San Fransisco, and is accompanied in this story by two badgers called Kenny 1 and Kenny 2, and a small turtle.

Groovy DVD Extras -
A full run-down of all the script elements that never QUITE made it to screen, including sequence which suggests that the Seventh Doctor has picked up the vulgar habit of pretending to be a corpse to seduce any morticians who may be passing. Also, the "No Time Lords were harmed in the making of this movie" slogan.
Dialogue Disasters -

Doctor: How can you not remeber me? I’m the guy with two hearts.
Grace: Who cares? I mean, it's not as if you have two -
Doctor: I'm the Doctor, I'm a Time Lord, I am over seven hundred years old, I have thirteen lives, I was born on Gallifrey on the other side of the universe. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT, FOR GOD'S SAKE??
Grace: Just something a little... bigger.
Doctor: It's not the size that counts, Grace!
Grace: Yeah, they say that on my planet too. It's crap.

Bill: Knock, knock, dude.
Ted: Whoa. Who's there, dude?
Bill: Doctor.
Ted: Uh... Doctor Who?
[The Doctor smashes out of the ice box and grabs them both by the necks.]
Doctor: Exactly! ... Christ, how I hate that joke!

Doctor: What do you know of long-lasting, meaningful relationships??
Bastard: MORE THAN YOU!!

Grace: Why can't you turn yourself into a sea lion like the Bastard?
Doctor: Oh, I can, but only when I swim in creme de menthe and think vividly of Rik Mayall. In the fight for survival, there is no such thing as plot, logic or consistency.
Grace: Man, you have a real chip on your shoulder, you know that?

Bill: Knock, knock, dude.
Ted: Who's there?
Bill: Genghis.
Ted: Genghis who?
Bill: Genghis Khan, man.
Ted: Whoa. Genghis Khan was at your front door? No way!
Bill: Yes way, Ted!
Ted: Awesome! PARTY ON!

Grace: Did you know Madame Curie too?
Doctor: Intimately.
Grace: Does she kiss as good as me?
Bastard: No. I'm much better than both of you.

Dialogue Triumphs -

Bastard: Gotta sing... gotta dance.....
Ever since I was a young boy
I've played the silver ball!
From Soho down to Brighton
I must have played them all!

Doctor: Grace, I came back to life before your eyes!
Grace: No you didn't.
Doctor: I held back death!
Grace: Prove it.
Doctor: Look, I can't make your dream come true forever, but I can make it come true today!
Grace: What? You can give me Brad Pitt and a tub of maple syrup?
Doctor: NO! But I can get you Richard E Grant and some lighter fluid!
Grace: DEAL!

Bastard: Say, 'Goodnight Grace.'
Grace: Goodnight.
Bastard: Smart arse.

"That Pavarotti guy's got a cute butt."
- Grace, watching the opera through a pair of binoculars.

Bastard: The Doctor is half apricot.
Chang Lee: Yeah, my asian ass he is!

Doctor: [with deranged enthusiasm] Come on, Grace! Time to play doctors and nurses!

Bastard: My name is not Honey
Miranda: Oh, well, what would you like me to call you?
Bastard: "Bastard" will do.
Miranda: That's not a name!
Bastard: Yes it is.
Miranda: What, you're the son of Mister and Mrs Bastard?
Bastard: [snaps her neck] I give up.

Doctor: GOSH, I LOVE HUMANS! They're always seeing panty lines that aren't there!

Doctor: You want to shag the living! But all you do is watch!
Bastard: Hey, don't come the moral highground with me, Mr. "I am the Watcher!"
Doctor: There's nothing wrong with simple voyeurism.
Bastard: I know. Cool, isn't it?

The aftermath of the first sex scene -
Doctor: Grace, I've lost twenty pounds!
Grace: Maybe you'll be able to walk properly now.

Bastard: This is an ambulance!
Chang Lee: Um, no it isn't.
Bastard: No? Well, it should be!
Chang Lee: It's a pool table.
Bastard: Are you arguing with me?
Chang Lee:
Bastard: Good girl. Otherwise, I would have to kill you.

Dialogue Oddities -

The Doctor: And so, my friends, our story is at an end. The TARDIS is waiting and I must move on to another time, another place. Perhaps some remote corner of the outer universe. My life is an endless journey across the bounds of space and time. A time traveller, drifting amongst the great galaxies of the universe. But wherever it is, we shall meet again. We SHALL meet again, the next time the universe is in peril, the next time something needs fixing, the next time...

Tom Baker: Shall we meet again? Well, the next time the universe is in peril, the next time something needs fixing, the next time my arch-enemy is pretending to be a false messiah to bring about the end of the world... well, you can just get stuffed. I'M HAULING ASS TO TIJUANA!

UnQuotable Quote -

Doctor: Hello, I'm Doctor Root, and I'm damn glad to meet you.
Viewer Quotes -

"Wow, tonight's X-Files ripped off Doctor Who a bit, didn't it?"
- confused sci-fi fan (1996)

"While the old series was a case of sexual innuendo and poor acting, this attempt is more a case of sexual innuendo with special effects and truly terrible acting. There is still much in this production that pleases, but then, I can say the same of my local brothel."
- Matthew Jones (1996)

"I was very disturbed at the way this story portrayed hair gel as an evil force that can bend a man's will and ultimately lead to the end of humanity. That is bikini wax. Hair gel does nothing of the sort."
- Zemph Grooming Products Review

"A brilliant masterpiece! McGann makes an impressive start to be a very brief reign as the Doctor. Please, let it be brief. In fact, end it now. Someone, please!"
- Colin Baker (1996)

"Any review of this story might as well be based on the weather. Hmm. Looks like rain... I HATE THIS STORY WITH A SMOLDERING PASSION! WHAT HAVE THOSE TRANS-CONTINENTAL ****S DONE WITH OUR SPECIAL DOCTOR WHO?? ANSWER ME THAT, PIG, ANSWER ME THAT??"
- Andrew Beeblebrox, (2001)

"The production has surpassed my expections and is 100 per cent what Doctor Who should be like in 1990s - pie-diving excrement, banarama, strange gurnings and a sense of nagging dissapointment. If this doesn't end up in my all time... top thousand, I shall be so surprised I might fall back into the coma. Everyone involved in the conception, development and production of this move truly deserve everything they get."
- Eric Saward (1998)

"Paul McGann, the most reluctant on Time Lords, immediately gets a firm hold on what it is to be the Doctor. Envincing traits of loopy Tom Baker and peyote-fueled Patrick Troughton but most of all something daringly-unique to this eighth incarnation, McGann was was magnicicent and made a stronger debut prerformance in the role than any of predecessors. Bar Hartnell. And Tom Baker. And Jon Pertwee. And Peter Davision... Um, it was nevertheless extremly welcome to return to Doctor Who. It was good to see him naked, if only for one night." - Nigel Verkoff Esq. (2004)

"Let me get this straight... The Doctor, the Time Lord from Gallifrey, High Overlord of Matter and Defender of Time... is, in fact, half-apricot. And quarter-lesbian. On his mother's side. So, we're expected to believe that the Doctor is 50% apricot and he sleeps with women? That, that... that makes a hell of a lot of sense now I come to think about it..."
- Dr. Frank N. Furter (1999)

Psychotic Nostalgia -
"Once I tried different varieties of hairgel in a vain attempt to see if an evil from beyond the dawn of time would try and possess my body and use it to do my evil bidding. However, the fact I ritualistically shave every part of my body scuppered that. But one day. One day..."

Paul McGann Speaks!
"When I saw the casting agent in Los Angeles, I kept saying, 'You've got the wrong man - ANY actor would fit the image better than me, just leave me alone'! There was no pressure, it's easy to say no, but it was the gun in the agent's hand that made it easier to say yes. Taking on such a key role hasn't really sunk in, yet, and hopefull it never will. Sylvester McCoy is a friend so he's told me everything I need to know - basically, get the hell out of here ASAP. But I've signed a contract. I can't go anywhere. Oh, it's horrible, horrible. I am the Doctor. He is me. We are all together is an overrated song lyric. DAMN IT, THIS SUCKS! Why didn't I stick to that vampire role, huh? Why? I spend half of the film not knowing who I am, the character's not even there. Why couldn't we have kept that ALL the way through? This has been a learning process for me. And I know never to trust that bitch of an agent ever again. I'm warning you, Janet - if I find you, YOU'RE A DEAD WOMAN!!!!!!!"

Sylvester McCoy Speaks!
"Yes, Doctor Root & The Enema Within was wonderful. Seagull and his team treated me wonderfully - a great deal of respect, which is very nice... the best I got JNT and his mob was if they DIDN'T spit in my eye every time I spoke. There was more time and money to it, and a lot less hard hallucinogenic drugs in the water supply. It's a very calm and happy crew as well, and everyone’s very enthusiastic. Apart from Paul McGann, of course. The Canadian crew kept saying 'It's wonderful! We're going to get our names up on BBC Television!' and McGann kept saying, 'Big freaking deal' and kicking trash cans. I mean, APART from that, there was a great feeling of excitement and joy and people worked really hard to make it as good as they can. The security arrangements for Tom Baker were very efficient - he was only ever allowed out for recording scenes, and sometimes not even that."

Tom Baker Speaks!
"Ah, yes, I remember this story. It was called 'Doctor Who Talks to Badgers At the Millennium Orgy'. It was truly wonderful, as they made us film overseas, in Los Angeles. They don't have pubs there, as far as I know. No one seemed to recognize me, but then I was covered head-to-toe in bandages and wearing sunglasses. The only people who recognized me were some badgers, who thought I was the Invisible Man. How odd. I remember there was this lovely man called Gan McPaul. Wonderful chap, the first thing he said to me was 'Oh, **** off you old fossil!' which I thought was terribly witty, especially since Doctor Who was back on. I didn't like the new chap. Far too tall, the hair was too short, and don't get me started on the clothes - too many! And where were the beards? Why didn't he call himself Rasputin? There were a lot of holes that bothered me, and the plot wasn't much good either. But the badgers were very nice, I thought. Charming badgers."

Trivia -
Don't ask.
Rumors & Facts -
This was the first time for six years that Doctor Who had been made on television. After this, it was another nine years before anyone bothered to even attempt it. Watching this, you can catch a glimpse of the reason why.

Neo-Fascist and kipper salesman Philip Segal had been working since 1889 to forge a co-production deal between an American company and the BBC to make a new Doctor Who series, beginning even before the programme was even commissioned in 1962. In fact, it was quite a lucky coincidence the BBC was choosing to make a science fiction program called Doctor Who, or Segal would have been made a laughing stock back in the sixties and not in the 1990s. At that time, Segal was working with Columbian drug dealers, but little had come of his efforts by the time he left Columbia for a two-year stint at the Samaritans. Subsequently, Segal went to work for Steven Spielberg's Amblin Entertainment as a doormat, and shortly thereafter resumed his efforts to acquire the rights to Doctor Who and solve the cryptic crossword. By June 1992, he was joined in efforts by Peter Wagg, producer of the eclectic science-fiction series Max Headroom, who suggested 11 down was "conquered". There were a number of parties involved in the Doctor Who discussions, with lots of beer, food, and wall-to-wall vomiting, all of which delayed Season 27 even further, until Wagg finally threw the guests out in 1994. However, despite the many difficulties the complex situation presented, on January 13th, 1994, Segal realized the missing word was "Antidisestablishmentarianism", and now had no reason not to start working on Doctor Who as he was, for all intents and purposes, a looney. The race was on to get a series ready to be pitched to the American networks in time for the Fall 1994 season, essentially giving Segal and Wagg less than two months' breathing space. One of Segal's first instructions from his superiors at Universal was that he use a typewriter for the project, specifically one made in 1845. Segal was hesitant, preferring to use modern technology and photocopiers in order to try and speed up production. However, aware that any fight with Universal would waste precious development time, Segal agreed to use the ancient mechanism which he paid for by stealing Terrance Dicks' wallet.

Together with designer Richard Lewis, Segal and Leekley prepared an expensive and extensive bible -- and then wrote a book called The Monacles Of Doctor Who in one afternoon to introduce Doctor Who in general and the proposed new series in particular. Segal had envisioned this version of Doctor Who as being largely divorced from the original BBC series - although the basic concepts of Doctor Who (violence, sex and mindless plagiarism) were adhered to, the programme's mythos would be completely rewritten. Or, to be more accurate, written down at ALL rather than being buil****ted every four episodes. The Monacles of Doctor Who was written by Cardinal Aggador, introducing the Doctor and his half-sister the Bastard, both youthful wards of the millionaire Sarah-Jane Smith, Aggedor's twin brother. When the evil Doctor becomes Supreme Walrus, Sarah-Jane flees Mondas in a rickety old TARDIS to find Turlough. Vicki's spirit becomes enmeshed in the TARDIS, enabling Sil to continue to perve at his grandson. Sarah takes the TARDIS to "a small blue-green planet" (Mars), to search for Ian Chesterton - this being the native world of Jo Grant's wardrobe designer. Sarah-Jane then encounters the Snibtsuds - creations of the villanous Cat Molester Jones, but now controlled by the Garm. These events, clearly inspired by Season Twelve's Genocide Of The Dustbins, would have formed the bulk of the entire series. Various other possible adventures are detailed, most of them being cut-and-paste jobs of: The Snugglers, The Talents Of Wong Jing, Earthshag, Ligthhouse Cutaway, The Sexual Toymaker, The Ginfighters, Room Of The Cybermen, The Adorable Teletubbies, and The Lark In Space. (Others excised from the final draft due to good taste were The She Devils, The Invasion Of Tim, The Reign Of Error, The Spill Of Exxon, I'm Dreamin' and Shagged'er.) Many familiar Doctor Who monsters were extensively revised. The Dustbins were hideous mutant creatures whose travelling machines also doubled as portable icemakers. The Cybermen (now called "Pimps") were marauders whose sexual techniques were culled from a variety of sources, giving them a patchwork demeanour (though they were still vulnerable to warm cheese). The Teletubbies are gentle descendants of the Neanderthals. The Monacles concluded with the conclusion: Sarah-Jane discovers Susan Foreman and travels back to E-Space to depose Frobisher and become Employer of the Epoch.

Leekley handed over the Monocles of Doctor Who along with a sample storyline (a revised version of The Ginfighters, now called Stop, Or My Dentist Will Shoot!). Meanwhile, Segal and Wagg began the gruelling process of finding an actor to play the Doctor. To this end, they secured the services of British casting agents L. Ron Hubbard. In January and February, enormous lists of actors were compiled, with Segal totally unaware that they had simply been given a list of everyone on their books and not because they were actually good. Indeed, at the end of the process the only person available out of the 21, 8973 names was Bill Oddie, who wouldn't piss on Doctor Who if it was on fire. Efforts were also under way to cast the role of Aggedor, with several performers on the list of possible Doctors also given consideration here, which was odd considering the character was designed to be an animatronic chimpanzee. The clear favourite, however, was Peter O'Toole, who by the end of March had provisionally declared his love for strawberry ice cream. A third producer joined the Doctor Who team in March, much to the surprise of Segal, who did not believe in other producers but him. This was Jo Wright, assigned by the BBC to represent their interests in the production, but in reality a Frankenstien-type creation of sewn-together Doctor Who companions. Around the end of March, Doctor Who was offered to the four American neworks with the slogan "Know Me!". "Know Thanks!" NBC, ABC, CBS and Fox replied. It appeared that Segal's dreams of producing a new Doctor Who series were fast disappearing, and his dreams of an armadillo-skin posing pouch were in danger as well. Despite this, he agreed to an offer made by Doctor Who historian Jean-Marc Lofficier and his randy wife Randy to become unofficial consultants on the project. Unfortunately, the Lofficiers were crack fiends and didn't know the first thing about Doctor Who - indeed, it was only when the movie was released on video did they get an idea it WASN'T a series of impressionistic paintings.

Meanwhile, Leekley submitted his first movie proposal, drawing heavily from the suggestions set forth in the bible. He was then told to scrap the proposed "Passions of Christ" and get back to doing Doctor Who. In the midst of a Zarbi attack on Ireland, Alpha Centuari dies, allowing the Wine Peddler to become President of the AA. Sarah-Jane flees in her TARDIS, which now incorporates a cat flap and, in contemporary Bermuda, Romana meets a meter maid called Rita. Together, the Bastard and Bobbo the Snotaran travel back to Ancient Rome to find Steven Taylor, only to be attacked by the Pimps. Adric then travels back to Castrovalva, where a suspiciously friendly Ice Cream Vendor sends him and Jo Grant to Fargo to stop Omigod from creating deep-fired Mars bars. In the process, Jamie takes control of the Snibtsud army and has them destroy K9. Ian and Barbara escape and return Mike Yates to Earth, then heads off to continue their search for caffiene. Segal revised the script in three minutes, eliminating the Pimps and adding a groupie for the Rani, Columbian Dancing Dust ("Columbian" subsequently became the character's sole name instead of simply his title). The return to Castrovalva was eliminated by having Colonel Sanders direct the TARDIS to KFC. Leekley changed these re-written elements, and then rewrote it again, adding a nonsensical cliffhanger with Wirrn and his Androids confronting Drax and Liz and offering them some tea. The other Fargo scenes - as well as much of the scene where everyone starts speaking Ancient Egyptian - was trimmed and sculpted.

Through mid-September, Leekley's script made the rounds of all the various organisations which had to see it to believe it, and Steven Spielberg took one look at it, shot Leekley in the lung and used the script as the basis for a series of stories about a relic hunter called Indiana Jones. Another party was held to work out the new writer, delaying everything for the next six months. Now in 1995, Segal met with veteran restauranter/pig-strangler Robert DeLaurentis. DeLaurentis agreed to put together a new story proposal, using Leekley's script as a starting point, but wanted to accentuate its "naughty" aspects. On October 7th, DeLaurentis delivered a new draft of the storyline. This time, in the process of meeting Dodo in World War II London, Harry Sullivan also discovers that his father (no longer named Bellal) was involved in a plot the assassinate Lavros. They travel forward to the United States in 1994, where Biro is reunited with his pen. Katarina then lures the Brigadier, Benton and Leela to Lakerytan for a final round of toast. There, Zoe manages to destroy Lew Grade's time-travelling balloon, though the Valeyard himself escapes with Alexei Sayle. Other minor alterations included Collumbia being renamed Cowlumbya (though this would subsequently be changed back), and giving Polly a bulldog companion named Ace, who stays with the Bastard at the story's conclusion. DeLaurentis then wrote a draft script -- titled What Doctor? -- which he submitted, removing the character of Ace, the Snibtsuds became giant seed pods, and Kameleon was renamed Jane McDonald. Also, for the first time the TARDIS began the adventure with a functioning Jane McDonald circuit, which malfunctions in a furniture showroom. Peri was also given another companion, Sara Kingdom, who is gunning down Magnodons on Keldra 7 at the start of the story and is subsequently discovered to have been killed by her own left foot. DeLaurentis' next draft was an even more substantial departure from the original Leekley script. The Snibtsuds had become French and the Doctor was renamed Frank (a suggestion of Lofficier's). Sarah Kingdom was replaced by Bigfoot who accompanies the Protons throughout the adventure, and Columbia is transformed into a half-French creature by the Doctor and commits suicide. At this point, Fox intervened and indicated that they were not happy with the direction DeLaurentis was taking the project - indeed, they suggested reverting back to the Leekley draft if DeLaurentis did not reveal just what strange drugs he was on and provided enough for everyone.

At the suggestion of a delivery boy, Segal and Wagg met with Matthew Jacobs, who had written for The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles and was sworn to get revenge on Steven Spielberg and had to novel idea of discarding all work done to date, put in a heap and set fire to it. Unlike the earlier Leekley and DeLaurentis versions, Jacobs' script continued on from the end of the original series, starting by introducing Sylvester McCoy's Seventh Doctor. The Doctor
arrives on modern-day Earth when a blob of hair gel attacks the Doctor, mortally wounding him. The Doctor's body is found by a coal miner named Jack. Jack brings the Doctor to the coal mine, where he is operated on - unsuccessfully - by actress Grace Kelly, who really wishes she'd stayed at the Heart-Bypass Surgery Course for the whole half-hour. The Doctor regenerates; meanwhile, Jack has gained access to the TARDIS using gloves he pilfered from the Doctor's body. The hairgel raises Jack's father from the dead and through him uses Jack to take over the TARDIS. As Halloween approaches, the hairgel uses the TARDIS to unleash an army of the dead. With Kelly's help, the Doctor returns to the TARDIS and draws himself, the hairgel, Kelly, Jack and the dead into another dimension. He defeats the Bastard, returns Jack to Earth and leaves with Kelly, deciding that this particular adventure never happened.

Jacobs was asked to rewrite it to introduce something even vaguely watchable, and he rewrote it by flipping coins. The story was now set in the days leading up to New Year's Eve in San Francisco. After regenerating, the Doctor sees a vision of his mother doing a striptease. Jack uses the TARDIS key instead of a pair of gloves to enter the time machine which proves to be much easier. In addition to Jack's father, Kelly is also confronted by her career and also Jack is killed when a mine shaft falls on him, but is brought back to life via reversing the polarity of the neutron flow. And the Doctor dumped Kelly as he hated her films and didn't want her cluttering up his TARDIS. Another coin flick made him rewrite the script again. Jack became Chang Lee, and the Bastard's host body acquired a proper identity in the form of a fireman named Bruce Willis. Kelly Grace was now Grace Wilson, and two cartoonish hospital porters Jacobs had earlier mentioned were changed to names Bill and Ted, which themselves owed no small debt to Doctor Who. Also introduced at this point was Gareth, here a young librarian with whom the entire plot and the safety of mankind rested. The idea of the Bastard turning into a goanna throughout the story made its first appearance. The 57 Chevy of Rassilon was also brought into play at this stage, this being the link to the Bastard's timeshare apartment in Barbados. Chang Lee acquired an Uncle Sam, who is killed by the Bastard on the 4th of July. This time, when all four end up entering the 57 Chevy of Rassilon, the Doctor saves Grace and Chang Lee (who is still killed and then resurrected for the sheer hell of it) by embracing his past and seducing the ghost of his dead mother. The Bastard tries to do the same, and accidentally cancels himself out of existence. The Doctor departs alone, leaving Grace and Chang Lee in San Francisco while he seeks the aide of a psychoanalyst. After receiving death threats from the various associated parties, Jacobs' next major draft saw the Bastard no longer killing Uncle Sam but instead reading his mind, learning that it was Sam who killed Jimmy Dean. The Bastard's plan now is to reverse the linearity of the proton flow through the 57 Chevy of Rassilon, thereby reshaping the universe to his design, although the Barbados apartment was still involved. The appearances toward the end of Jimmy Dean, Grace's acting career and the Doctor's mother were all excised, and the Doctor's half-apricot status was now important as the focus of the Bastard's control over the widescreen televsion. The Doctor and the Bastard now snogged in the back seat of the 57 Chevy of Rassilon instead of in the front seat, and at its climax the Bastard was sucked down into exhaust pipe. Both Grace and Chang Lee were killed this time around, and were killed by the Doctor again at the climax of the film when he explains he is utterly sick of people being brought back to life by the 57 Chevy of Rassilon. One flipped coin later and the whole timeshare apartment in Barbados was now gone, with the focus of the Bastard's schemes now an "intergalactic roving fried chicken" called the Millennium Falcon which passes near Earth every three seconds, which will permit him to refashion the universe. The Bastard poses as a "back-up singer" in order to influence Grace and Chang Lee. The Doctor no longer experiences a vision of his mother shortly after his regeneration; instead, the Bastard takes them all for souvlaki during their confrontation in the Cloister Room.

Meanwhile, both Fox and Universal had approved Jacobs' script simply to stop him submitting new ones, leaving only the BBC. The story now began with the Doctor using hair gel, only to become possessed by the Bastard and land the TARDIS on Earth and is inadvertently run over by Chang Lee. Bruce Willis is now an ambulance attendant who allies with the Bastard out of sheer greed, and the Fourth Doctor works for a company which makes technologically advanced clocks. Jacobs was now running out of coins to flip when he introduced the idea of the Bastard going a bit loopy and dressing up in women's clothing (the BBC had always been very keen on including the transvestism in the script in some fashion) and the Doctor needing a beryllium atomic clock from the clock's inventor, a fussy, pompous wanker named Professor Wagg as a tribute to Peter Wagg's decision to quit the project while he still had some sort of social life. With production now just weeks away, Jacobs was working on fashioning his script into a finished form, and the caprice of change removed the Millennium Falcon concept, with the Bastard's focus now simply to take over the Doctor's body in a stylish fashion. Other small changes eventually made included changing Grace's surname from Wilson to Holloway; eliminating Bill and Ted having the Bastard break Bruce's wife's neck instead of taking her out to dinner; and excising a scene where the Bastard callously kills a hospital patient who resembles Colin Baker. Much of Chang Lee's background had also been lost due to timing reasons by this stage, with all references to Uncle Sam and Jimmy Dean having been dropped.

More actors were being considered for the title role, as casting the Doctor became more and more of a priority - ironic, as the Doctor was being ignored in every single version of the script. New suggestions included all the best male actors of their generation, most of which were only recognizeable from the long-running series they were now committed to. By the end of August, though, a frontrunner was emerging: Paul McGann. McGann had starred in a number of obscure, almost unknown films films, including Withnail And Alien, Muskateer 3 and The Three Is. Well, I think that's what they're called. He had also been spotted on television in programmes such as The Hanging Mutineer and The Monocled Gale. Other characters were also needing to be cast, with Jo Wright suggesting that they get Tom Baker to play the part of Sylvester McCoy as the Seventh Doctor, but Segal wasn't stupid enough to let Baker near Doctor Who after last time. Segal also briefly considered the idea of including a role for Sophie Aldred as Ace, the Seventh Doctor's final companion. This, however, was quickly vetoed by the BBC as they wanted Aldred to themselves for reasons which make me feel physically ill to even contemplate, let alone write down.
Paul McGann was the first choice of both Segal and Sax to play the Doctor, but they needed more possibilities to satisfy Fox - as well as McGann's insistance there HAD to be someone better than him, and suggested Harry Van Gorkum, who at the time was merely a figment of Wagg's imagination. Fox was still reticent, though, worried about casting a non-existant performer in the lead role. Finally, Segal agreed to cast a "name" actor in the role of the Bastard if they would sign off on McGann to play the Doctor. Fox acquiesced, and on January 10th, 1996, Paul McGann vowed he would destroy Fox if it was the last thing he did. He was unveiled to the world as the Eighth Doctor, with the immortal words "I'm REALLY not supposed to be here."

By this time, the role of Grace Wilson had also been cast. The part went to Daphne Ashbrook, who had numerous film and television credits to her name, but was only really remembered as Bumpy-Head Alien 5 in an episode of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, mainly because she went topless. Given his concession regarding the Bastard, Segal initially wanted Christopher Lloyd, a choice which met Fox's approval, mixing him up with horror actor Christopher Lee. However, due to a mix-up in the credits, Christopher Lee was credited as "Eric Roberts". Lee sued Fox for every penny they had, and they agreed to an out-of-court settlement of $411, 683 million. Which, in those days, was a lot of money. Indeed, with Fox bankrupted they were unable to make a new series of Doctor Who or indeed, make any kind of quality television for over 5 cents an episode. The fact that no viewers noticed this for thirteen years says a lot.

Segal did decide to give the Seventh Doctor a new wardrobe, having long disliked both the umbrella and the question-mark pullover which were hallmarks of the original outfit. Costume designer Jori Woodman composed a new costume which echoed the earlier version in the sense that Sylvester McCoy was wearing clohtes, but sod all else. The Seventh Doctor's outfit now consisted of a lemon-coloured nylon suit with blue polka-dots over a white-and-purple striped shirt, red braces and a bright orange tie. To Segal's delight as a card-carrying ankle fetishist, the trousers were found to be too short by twenty centimetres.

The clandestine relationship between Segal and the Lofficiers would subsequently sour when much of the production material Segal had given them was transformed into a book, The Nasty Man Who Makes Dr. Who Die. Then, in September, Segal found yet another producer being added to the project. This time it was Universal who wanted a representative in the production office, in the form of Angus Deaton. Sadly, Angus Deaton was busy and so an Angus Deaton impersonator was hired at great expense to give dry, witty comments to whatever Segal said. Later that month, Segal left Amblin for Bermuda, taking with him all the funds for the movie and a voodoo doll of Steven Spielberg. Essentially there was one less cook in the kitchen, so Segal had takeaway.

Production designer Richard Hudolin, who major task was a redesign of the TARDIS console room. Segal wanted to invoke the Jules Verne feel of the wooden version of the set used during Season Fourteen, but on a much grander scale. Due to a misunderstanding about this and the 'bigger on the inside concept', Hudolin's set was a perfect replica of he console room on a scale of 50 metres per centimetre of the original. The set was so large that three elevators were needed to shuttle characters from the floor to the control panel and back again. However, the set was so large that even with five minute panning shots with no dialogue, only the main doorway could be covered. The finished movie only shows the characters standing on the console, leading fans to believe the console room consisted only on the console. Every control on the main console actually did something, generally something loud and painful with 400 volts. The main scanner screen had the words: GREAT FASHION CAPITALS OF THE UNIVERSE - Gallifrey - Argolis - Calufrax - Manussa - Sarn. Also graffitied around the set were phone numbers for the Kraaps, the Mara and the Serve-You-Rights. When Christopher Lee wondered why they hadn't made a tiny model of the set and then just used CSO, Fox retaliated by announcing that Doctor Root would air in mid-May 1996, one of three key "sweeps" periods for the American networks and consequently, expectations on Doctor Who would be fairly high. Paul McGann applauded the decision.

As 1996 dawned, numerous difficulties still remained to be overcome. Geoffrey Sax had originally been promised a bowl of jelly, but Beaton subsequently curtailed this to a hand-sketch of a packet of Airplane Jelly in order to save money. Then Segal discovered that the BBC did not actually own the rights to the familiar Doctor Who theme music - indeed, it took quite a bit of investigative journalism to discover that ANYONE had the rights to the music and, when pressed, few Who fans even knew Doctor Who HAD theme music. At this point, Terry Nation appeared and claimed he had the rights and charged a hefty fee for its use. Universal balked at this, but finally Segal convinced the BBC to pick up the cost of twenty-six human souls (one more than the standard rate for Dustbins). Segal had been determined that the eighth Doctor have long hair, and was shocked when he saw McGann had "accidentally" cut his hair severely and offered to quit the project, stepping aside for a last minute replacement called Chris Eccleston. Segal saved the day by getting hair stylist Julie McHaffire to hastily put together a wig. McGann swore violently and went off for a sulk.

All the location filming in Vancoover was finished in six days, given a second look and then replaced with stock footage - only to discover three months later that the stock footage was of San Fransisco. Some difficulty arose when Lee found that the wardrobe created for him by Woodman - which was largely in keeping with the Bastard's outfits from the original series - was too flammable, and indeed was the casualty of several such instances of pyromania that seemed to follow McGann around like stray dogs. With the rubber lizard costume melted, the prosthetic eyeballs impractical and the outfit melted, Lee decided to instead dress in leather outfit, pointed cowled and a cape for most of the film, unfortunately turning the Bastard into a silhouette of Batman, which ultimate got the movie sued by Bob Kane, who was informed by a mysterious source identified only as "Paul M."

Several other dilemmas also had to be confronted as the shoot went on. Some problems were found with the script -- such as the question of how the Bastard has gotten a new haircut when he first encounters Chang Lee -- which had to be simply ignored on the grounds that there was always crap fan-fiction writers to sort it out. The final battle between the Doctor and the Bastard had been only briefly thought out, and it was not until filming began that anyone realized that one of them would need to win in order to resolve the plot. Sax had hoped to have an image of Wendy Padbury naked in the glove box of the 57 Chevy of Rassilon, but no one was willing to risk handing over their copy. Ultimately, the production went four days overschedule, and even then some sequences were greatly simplified to save time, such as Chang Lee's death scene, which was so simplified that it doesn't appear that he died at all, let alone been ressurected.

Post-production saw various trims to the material, such as the loss of the scene where the Bastard apologizes for "sliming" the security guard and then, in a bit of blatant product placement suggests that everyone use "Pain-Away" tablets in order to deal with those wierd alien infestations you just can't explain. A new introductory voiceover by Paul McGann was written on April 2nd to replace earlier dialogue by the Bastard (voiced by Gordon Nipple) and the Dustbins, for fear that the plot was beginning to makle sense. The BBC expressed concerns that the Bastard being hair gel was too comical, but they didn't have a leg to stand on when Segal reminded them of the events of "The Lethal Assassin", "Mammeries of Fire" and the infamous "Serial 6C". Segal loaned a rough cut of the movie to Los Angeles-based fan Shaun Lyon, organiser of the Gallifrey One conventions and editor of the Outpost Gallifrey website, to get his opinion on it. "****ing horrible," was a quick summary of the reply he got, which ran to 1845 pages of complaints, the first 439 of which was on the Doctor boasting that he was in his first incarnation, which not only contradicted the established continuity of the show, but also the established continuity of the first five minutes of the film. Thus Sax overdubbed several scenes to make it clear the Eighth Doctor was a compulsive liar and should not be trusted when he makes ANY reference to... well... anything.

It was at this point that literally ANYONE who had been involved at the filming process demanded on-screen credit BEFORE Paul McGann - including John Leekley, who insisted he was noted as "producer" because althought virtually nothing of his work had been used, an infinitessimally small amount of it had snuck through and that was enough for him. McGann was on record as not minding if there were production credits before his name, and even offered to take it off the project altogether if that helped. At the final cut, the credit "New Doctor Root - Paul McGann" can be found between "Best Boy" and "Catering". McGann and Ashbrook also boycotted the movie's debut screening for the Directors' Guild of America in Los Angeles, and McGann ran for his life when two fans arrived to watch it.

On May 14th, a mysterious request from "P. McGann in Liverpool" caused the Fox network to air Doctor Root & The Enema Within against the most popular-ever episode of Roseanne on ABC ensuring that the film got far less than the minimum 15 per cent share Segal felt was needed for an ongoing series (or even further movies) to be spawned, and nowhere close to the 17 or 18 per cent he had been hoping for. McGann was very supportive, and reminded everyone that he had sworn on a copy of Withnail & I if the movie was a flop he would never touch the Doctor Who franchise again and wandered off, whistling a happy tune.

When Doctor Root & The Enema Within was shown in England, an opening title caption was added, stating that the movie had "absolutely sod all to do with the original series broadcast by the BBC". The end of the telefilm was followed by an apology to Jon Pertwee, who had played the Third Doctor and who had passed away on May 20th when an 'eager fan' had shown him a preview of the work. The 'fan' also claimed that Pertwee's dying breath had been to brand the movie and its contents non-canonical and that Paul McGann should never again be used as the Doctor. I've tried long and hard to work out the identity of this mysterious fan, but I can only conclude that it was a dead ringer for Paul McGann wearing an anorak.

With all of those responsible for bringing Doctor Who to the network in the first place having fled the country and changed their names, there was no option of passing the franchise onwards and the relevent documents were ultimately used as waste paper for July 4 explosions. Much relieved, Paul McGann re-commenced his acting career, including roles in the movie Hornblower: A True Story and the FairyTale Horatio television series. However, those cunning bastards at Big Finish tricked him into returning to play the Eighth Doctor for the range of Doctor Who stories with a nymphomaniac character called Charley Pollard. Daphne Ashbrook, meanwhile, turned to door-to-door salesmanship and hasn't been seen since. In February 1998, Philip Segal briefly entered into discussions with the BBC about the rights to remake the two Dustbin stories from the Sixties as feature films, but quickly decided there was little potential in the venture as Peter Cushing had got there first, thirty years earlier.