DIY Sheep versus Doctor Who and everybody else

Caerdroia














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In case anyone is wondering  its ‘care’ + ‘droid’ (but without the final ‘d’) and ‘ah’ (as in ‘ah! Of course I had no idea when I made that joke that your mother had in fact been savaged to death by rabid goats’). However if Sir Paul calls it ‘Corduroy’, it’s ok by me.

 

I’m the only Time Lord in this universe

 

Excuse the Little Britain references, but I am starting to notice something odd about this spooky universe. There are inordinate amounts of Welsh people in it. I don’t know if this a Big Finish thing or wot:

 

Gary: After Zagreus I see the Doctor thrust into a spooky weird universe populated by strange unfathomable beings….

 

Jason: What – hideous blobbie creatures with eight arms, no concept of space or time and the ability to suck peoples’ minds out through their ears?

 

Gary: No Jason, the Welsh.

 

And I have it on good authority that Caerdroia - is an old Welsh word meaning ‘Buy this audio or we send Colin Baker round to break your legs’. So quite frankly I don’t think the evil mastermind behind this whole divergent arcie thing is ‘you know who’ but Charlotte Church.

 

To quote Charles Daniels…

 

Goofs: Paul McGann appeared awake for most of this story.

 

Obviously the director had been prodding Paul with a sharp stick when ever he drifted off or they scheduled the recording for after lunch or fed him lots and lots of coffee because he actually acts (or should that be actively engages with the script… gives a damn… doesn’t sound hung over… thinking about if he has put enough money in the parking meter  – take your pick).

 

But then again who could not help but get carried away and enjoy themselves when they are coping with Kro’ka ‘s shockingly (and deliberately bad) kitsch dialogue as he alternates between insane master villain and sniveling little git depending on the circumstances:

 

‘Now I have you in my power ‘DOC…TOR’. Ahh now I have a silly voice you fear me… TIME… LORD. You will suffer unimaginable pain and all sorts of horribleness. Mwa ha ha ha.’

 

Who wrote this script? Lloyd Rose or Mark Gatiss!

 

C’rizz

 

Lordie be he is a dull fellow isn’t he. Someone at BF really should have told the writers that when they said the character was a chameleon and could blend in with the background that they didn’t mean it quite so literally. Although in this story he did step up a notch in my estimation from ‘aural wallpaper’ to ‘not quite such a total twonker’.

 

Cr’izz – is like the designated driver of these spooky universe audios. [Although personally I hope that one day someone spikes his drink. I would love to see him running naked down the street pretending to be a teapot.] He is like the Christian guy at school, your local MP, that nice, slightly overweight bloke who wears singlets under his K Mart shirts who gives you a lift home every so often. He is sensible, dull, and of course – inside - totally angst ridden (a fact that only comes out when they find all that internet porn in his computer and he blames it on the fact that he is 45 and still lives with his mother) – but unfortunately you just don’t like him enough to give a damn.

 

How many times have I not sympathized with the fact that Cr’izz’s girlfriend was turned into a giant slug and how upset he was because he had to gun her down in a fit of wangst – made all the more poignant because he is in fact a monk of some wanky spooky universe church that abhors violence. Blah blah blah! Get over it and talk to the hand. Actually I think his girlfriend was lucky. Just imagine living your entire life with Cr’izz? It would be like being married to Nick Ross from Crimewatch only slightly less interesting.

 

And in this audio he is starting to behave more and more like a disgruntled designated driver at a really good party: standing around nursing both a grudge and a tepid glass of lemonade while the Doctor gets to snort cocaine through hundred dollar bills off a prostitute’s tits and dance on the furniture.

 

Well I don’t blame Cr’izz. The Doctor gets to have all the fun in this story – all three of him. Yes boys and girls – what is more fun that one Doctor? Three Doctors. In this story we have ‘stoned Paul’ (did anyone else start getting Withnail and I flashbacks?), ‘slightly cranky for no apparent or even vaguely fathomable reason Paul’ and ‘sensible Paul’. This allowed Paul McGann’s versatile acting range to really shine as he rocketed from completely normal (Paul on the way to the pub), stoned (Paul on the way home from the pub) and slightly cranky (the morning after). However I am not going to complain as ‘stoned Paul’ did make a pleasant change from ‘stone cold reading the script Paul’.

 

Cri’zz and the cows:

 

When you get to the end of the audio all is revealed. However at one point I was seriously wondering exactly why Cri’zz was so attractive to cows. I am sorry – it may be just me, but I was.

 

Infusion – and I don’t mean a cup nice cup of tea!

 

This entire episode seems to be infused with a sort of excitement and underlying tension. For ages now the Doc and co have been bouncing around different zones like those ping pong ball things in a lotto draw: energetically bouncing around the big glass globe, but ultimately pointless and slightly irritating - unless your number comes up (is that an accurate description of some of the divergent universe stories or wot?).

 

But now finally we are getting somewhere. The Doc is getting close to unraveling the secret of the spooky universe and the importance of this story really comes across. Finally the Doctor’s fortunes are beginning to turn. In this story the Doc is on top and has the advantage (and take the advantage he does):

 

‘Yes Bob. You can take the Time Lord out of the universe, but you can’t take the Doctorishness out of the Doctor.  Here we see the slow motion action replay of Caerdroia… Kro’ka’s clumsy right cross was easily deflected and the Doctor retaliates with a nasty sucker punch – ohh that must of hurt. And it looks like he’s not going to let Kro’ka get a moment’s rest as he goes in with a very nasty groin kick. Not exactly good manners, but what do you expect? You can only push someone so far and we knew it was only a matter of time before the Doctor got tired of being on the ropes. Well Bob, that certainly was revenge for all that Interzone rubbish wasn’t it?’

 

‘Yes indeed Terry. You just don’t steal someone’s TARDIS and expect to get away with it. And I don’t think Kro’ka’s manager is going to be all that happy with his performance in this story. It could be curtains for Kro’ka’s professional career.’

 

Charley Charley Charley:

 

Everyone seems to complain that Charley has lost her oompahchah lately and all she does is hang around the Doctor! And yes I would have to agree that all the ‘holy shoot Doctor – you have totally buggered up the web of time stuff by saving her’ thing was really cool. However considering she isn’t even in that universe any more (and considering how everyone got all shirty that she was the focus of Zagreus) can’t she just get on and be a normal companion. Leela didn’t have much emotional baggage or wangsty back stories about how she was tearing the fabric of time apart and I don’t see people complaining about Leela all that much. But then again Leela didn’t have all that many clothes, which may account for a lot of things.

 

I just adored this story and highly recommend that you go around and kidnap the entire cast and make them reenact it for you live in your living room at gun point (but don’t forget to bring a sharp stick and a cup of coffee for Paul).