Welcome to the first non annual Fan Fiction Oscars - The Wankies (well it was either that or the
DIY SHEEP TAKES THE PODIUM
(Yes I am sorry, Billy Crystal wasn't available).
Thank you ladies, gentlemen, gentle thingies
of all kinds and super intelligent shades of the colour blue.
I have to say that I really really like fan fiction.
Total wankerism aside, I have must have trawled through every corner of the web in the search for a decent story and then
sometimes when I am desperate I read the odd BBC book.
In praise of fan fiction - it is very versatile. It can run
the gamut from a ripping good yarn to a hundred words that make you weep: there is without a doubt something for everyone.
difficulty, wot with the amazing technology of the world wide web is marrying up tastes to stories, so the Fan Fiction Oscars
have come into being.
We will bring you the best of the best from around the world and around the web in every category
imaginable (cos we will be making them up as we go). But rest assured there will be categories as wide ranging as 'best completely
made up doctor', 'best fanwank story', and 'best drabble' to 'best story that would make a Mcgann fan swoon'.
for the song:
'Oh its a wonderful night for the Wankies,
wanky, wanky, wanky wanky....'
Welcome back. Did everyone enjoy the dance numbers, pity about Justin Timberlake wasn't it, but who cares about him
on this night of nights where all the stars have come out to show the world that money and fame doesn't necessarily mean you
will get fashion sense.
The First category is an easy one: Actually it was the first one I could think of after hitting
the shiraz cab, but I feel it is a well deserved one and a nice easy start off.
The category is:
WITHNAIL AND I DOCTOR WHO BIZARRE CROSSOVER TOTAL SELF REFERENTIAL FAN WANKIE STORY'
Withnail and Who:
story is also rather sweet as it gives Withnail fans a more upbeat version of what might have happened to Withnail after the
park scene (ie he didn't blow his brains out with a shot gun – I always thought that was a bit of a downer personally).
Withnail is still in character as a total nut, but an alive and relatively successful one who probably makes the odd appearance
The next category is:
BEST INCREDIBLY LONG AND INVOLVED STORY FEATURING THE EIGHTH DOCTOR (INCLUDING SOME KINKY BITS WHERE HE PRETENDS
TO BE A SLAVE)
The nomination for this one is a story called 'Plaugue World' by Beck McLaughlin, who hosts
this on her web page along with a couple of others. She states she is basically a lazy person, but by gum this is a long story
involving a whole host of her own characters and the 'time lords' and it must have taken her a jolly long time to write. This
story is only part of a set of three stories that 'defy canon' and create their own universe.
It is still a fabulous night for the Oscars.
I can see Jack - ever present - and still wearing those stupid
sunglasses. You would think after thirty years some one would tell him it's an indoor event. But as quite frankly I have never
really liked him as an actor, I just can't give a toss.
I would also like to say hello to some special guests here
tonight. I do believe Big Finish managed to hit Paul McGann over the head with a cricket bat when he wasn't looking, tie him
up in a sack and deliver him here for the festivities.... yes 'urgle mmmmffff calll theeee polissss' to you too Paul.
here is someone who needs no hitting over the head with any sort of blunt intrument. Hello Colin. How are things on the panto
circuit. Have you learnt to sing yet?
Ahh such fun and games, but more of that light, but not terribly funny banter
later as it is time for another award.
Just like MASH showed us how a horrible and pointless war that causes the death
of millions can be really funny, this next nomination shows us that hitting people repeatedly with heavy objects can be really
really fun and entertainment for the WHOLE family....
It is zany. It has lots of Doctors doing zany stuff. It has Jo
Grant. It has a tea pot. Who needs more. So now on to the absurd and the dangerously comic...
BEST STORY INVOLVING
THE DOCTOR BEING REPEATEDLY HIT OVER THE HEAD WITH A TEA POT
now for something completely different....
Let's face it folks - the Sixth Doctor has a bad time of it. Most people
are busy worrying about him pushing people into acid baths and the coat to actually take the time to consider - was the Sixth
Doctor a real bloke.
I know sadly, I never did. I never looked beyond the spotted blue tie... and the yellow coat...
with the tartan bits... and the green shoes.... and the waistcoat... and the hair....
But if you want to consider the
Sixth Doc as a real honest to god type person read this.... It just may make you go back and watch Vengence on Varos again
with a different perspective.
BEST STORY THAT SHOWS YOU THE SIXTH DOCTOR IS A GUY WHO, IF YOU PRICK HIM
- WILL BLEED
Nixon once remarked how the whole Watergate scandal would never had occured if only his men had not broken into the Democratic
Party headquarters and than got caught, arrested, confessed the whole thing, his entire staff hadn't also confessed, there
was no Senate inquiry and those two journalists hadn't written a book about the whole incident.
And isn't that true
- which brings us to comedy.
I say 'rubber chickens, not war' - or else 'war with rubber chicken's, or perhaps just
'ban the bomb and use the money to build a giant rubber chicken capable of bringing world peace '.
However I may be
misleading you as there are absolutely no rubber chickens in this story.
If this story was Iraq and rubber chickens
were Weapons of Mass destruction then - just like the metaphor - you can safely assume that if you go into this story expecting
rubber chickens you are going to be tragically disappointed.
But there is tea, and coffee - so it is not all bad.
Which brings us to...
BEST VIDEO USING CLIPS FROM THE TELEVISION MOVIE AND A SONG BY SARAH BRIGHTMAN
(OR THE READERS' DIGEST VERSION OF THE TVM)
Now this concept can be a little scary
if you actually know who Sarah Brightman actually is (think a slightly shorter wierder Celion Dion), but bear with me as it
actually works. The amazing thing about this er - work - is that it actually makes the TVM look much more exciting than it
really is. I think they should have got this lady to direct it.
It cuts out all the bad dialogue and just mostly focuses
on shots of Paul McGann looking cute.... Okay, maybe it doesn't actually do that, but it is a clever montage of the best bits
from the movie (even Sylvester gets a few nice shots). And the music (which Sarah pinched from Pucini) fits nicely.
as an added bonus - if you are really cheap you can just watch this and get the gist of the TVM without having to buy the
DVD (it even has the 'these shoes' scene).
Does anyone remember that time when David Letterman hosted the Oscars?
No I have blanked that out of my memory
But welcome back to this fabulous night where the stars have come out. I can see the director, writer, sound designer
and the producer of Minuet in Hell - hello Nick!
Okay - One for the Fifth Doctor Fans. Now we turn to some serious
angsty type fiction. Not only does our next nomination merely deviate from canon, it basically takes canon and tells it to
sod off and die.
It is what you get when you cross East Enders with Doctor Who - half kitchen sink, half battling bug
eyed monsters. I was amazed at the detail and character depth of this series. This series does to the Fifth Doctor what the
EDA books did to the Eighth - It is a wonder that he is still standing at the end of it all.
And then there is Tegan.
Hey you knew she was going to pop up didn't you? How much Fifth Doctor fiction have you seen where Adric is the companion?
Companion/Doctor bonking has been done many times in Doctor Who fan fiction. I still have flashbacks from those Jamie/Second
However while many shagfest fictions have the plot of your average porn film - 'hey doc you are looking
rather sexy today, how about we shag?'... Then it is on for man and beast, this series takes the companion/Doc relationship
way way a galaxy far far away further.
It also develops the character of Tegan further than the irritable whiney bitch
who couldn't understand the concept of a time machine and spent two seasons complaining that she was going to be late for
work - that we saw in the series.
But it is not just a shag fest. With six stories this series has enough plot to
make your ears bleed.
So cue the East Enders music - and without further ado...
BEST STORY WHERE THE DOCTOR
AND TEGAN GET IT ON!
I was searching for some Adric slash fiction to shock you all when I stumbled across this little number.
The Seventh Doc and Ace - get married (and have kids).
Now that was one I have not seen before.
now we have the nomination for -
I AM AT A LOSS FOR WORDS TO DESCRIBE THIS STORY: ACE AND THE SEVENTH DOC... SOMETHING
I found this a very weird concept, but marrying a Time Lord definitely has it perks. In the story
the Doctor regenerates and turns into Paul McGann. What a hilarious aspect to the story. That ads a new dimension to marriage.
Ace probably thought all her Christmases had come at once (although imagine marrying Peter Davison and waking up one morning
to find Colin Baker - spooky). But it is a bit sad, what with it being all about death and all.
Welcome back. We are slowly working backwards down the Doctors until we get to that Jamie/Second
Doc slash fiction.
But for now it is Doctor number four under the microscope. And isn't he a tuff one!
How to capture Tom Baker?
A tranquiliser gun and a net?
BEST VERY SHORT
STORY THAT CAPTURES THE FOURTH DOCTOR'S ZANY WACKY SIDE (AND USES THE WORD BUGGER - A WORD I HAVE ALWAYS FOUND TO BE VERY
A word to the wise. If you don't share my enjoyment of the word bugger - then maybe this one is not for
you. Not that the word bugger is used gratuitously or anything. In fact it is used only once and not in any sort of nasty
context, but to be honest the word bugger does feature in the story. So I am just warning you. If you really don't like the
word bugger perhaps you could still read the story and sort of squint your eyes when you get to the word bugger and go 'darn'
instead. Yes I think that might work. This might also be the approach when reading the story to small children or your elderly
aunt Mavis (but perhaps with your elderly aunt Mavis you could just go 'oppsiwhoo' instead of 'darn' - as she might take 'darn'
wrongly, what with its knitting and sewing connotations and all. But as the explanation is now longer than the actual story
- lets just forget everything I just said and move on.
'Hayaih..... woooeeeerrrrrrr....dimmmmm simmmm......pot noodle!
Yes gentle or not so gentle beings, now we come
to the James Bond of Doctor Who: Jon Pertwee - a man who always appeared slightly cranky.
Our first nomination for
the Third Doctor involves the man we love to hate. Yes that lovable homicidal, megalomaniac Time Lord who would like to enslave
or kill us all: The Master.
Fortunately for us the Master is totally incompetent - everyone remember that episode with
the Magna Carta, that one with the Concordes. I really think that when they were doing career guidance at the Time Lord academy
someone should have mentioned that he has the 'universe taking over' abilities of a dead stoat and steered him into a career
in accounting instead.
Still he does have a funky dress sense.
This little teddy is the missing scene from
Frontier in Space. Everyone remember the Master reading 'War of the Worlds'.... oh he is such a tosser!
AWARD FOR THE BEST 'WHY DON'T I JUST SHOOT HIM ONCE AND FOR ALL, INSTEAD OF IMMEDIATELY TELLING HIM MY EVIL PLANS AND THEN
WONDERING WHY HE DEFEATS ME EVERY TIME' STORY INVOLVING THE THIRD DOCTOR AND THE MASTER
Our second nomination today is yet another drabble. It took
me a while to get into the concept of drabbles. The effort of all that mouse clicking just didn't seem worth it for the 2.3
seconds it took to read the 100 hundred words.
However I began to realise it's not the size mate, it's what you do
with it that matters. 100 carefully chosen words can kick War and Peace's 1000 page arss if done right, as it finally penetrated
into my little sheepie brain that with a drabble 'the idea' is the important bit - sort of like the literary equivalent of
a one liner.
THE AWARD FOR THE BEST AND SILLIEST DRABBLE INVOLVING BENTON, YATES AND THE BRIGADIER
And I think there might be a slight nod
to Withnail and I in there somewhere...
enough of that - get your hand out of pants cos it is time for the next category. This one - wins simply because I would have
thought it would be nigh on impossible to work the phrase 'time and relative dimensions in space' into a song and make it
And I was right - you can't. This song is delightful for all the wrong reasons.
Yes - another song (it
is homage of some sort isn't it?):
This song is amazing. It would make William Shakespeare curl up and die. Ira and
George Gershwin would just shoot themselves. Beethoven would thank the gods he was already deaf. Even Posh Spice might go
'wha?' However it makes me boogie on my chair and wonder just where I left my Karaoke Abba CD and did I still own that pair
of hot pink flairs and a synthesizer?
It is very important when viewing this video that you embrace the spirit of the
piece. And then like me you will be singing the 'unique' lyrics and groovin to the beat...
THE NOMINATION FOR
THE BEST SONG CONCERNING DOCTOR WHO THAT MANAGES TO WORK THE PHRASE TIME AND RELATIVE DIMENSIONS IN SPACE INTO THE LYRICS
AND RHYME - BADLY
back to the FAN FICTION OSCARS, bringing you the best talent from around the world because there ain't any here.
In the 15th century a Venetian monk called Francesco Colonna wrote a book called Hypnerotomachia
Poliphili. As the Hypnerotomachia's 1499 dedication explains, its original readers needed to have a handle on Greek, Latin,
the (Tuscan) Italian of Dante and the vernacular of the masses. The author "also arranged it such that none but the most learned
should be able to penetrate the inner sanctum of its teaching; yet he who approaches it with less learning should despair".
if that toss can get published - maybe, just maybe your novel about a nymphomaniac swim suit model with a thing for short
men with hairy feet and her deeply spiritual travels through Middle Earth can too.
That has absolutely nothing to do
with the next nomination.
NOMINATION FOR THE BEST DOCTOR WHO STORY INVOLVING A MARY SUE THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU
WANT TO FIND THE AUTHOR, HIT THEM OVER THE HEAD WITH A SHOVEL AND TELL THEM TO GET A LIFE!
'Don't Let Them Get Me' is an interesting
mix. It is an Eighth Doc story with an imaginary companion. It pays 'omage' to the Ancestor Cell and it also involves an interesting
new character – who just happens to be a vampire. If I had to compare I would say she is the fan fiction version of
Compassion meets Queen of the Damned, but sensitively treated.
(and that book by the monk is really real)
Luke Slattery is a total tosser (sorry - no one is going to get that, but it makes me feel better and that is the main thing)