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The Nine Doctors, by the Ghost of John Nathan Turner

Special DVD release

To mark the 45th and a half year anniversary since that fateful day when, after a long liquid lunch down the pub some BBC official drunkenly said ‘Doctor Who? That sounds like a nice show for the kiddies’ and gave it the go ahead, the BBC is proud to present the special DVD release of the Doctor Who anniversary special The Nine Doctors, featuring all nine Doctors (including the latest one with the ears).

Extras

An extra thirty minutes of assistants screaming and spraining their ankles.

The Director's cut with the original ending set in a brothel in Bangkok.

Fifth Doctor/Tegan sex scene.

.............................................................................

Extract:

‘Oh Tegan.’

‘Owe Dorc.’

‘I love you Tegan.’

‘Ayie lurve ew twu Dorc.’

‘Who knew our mutual passion for cricket would have lead to this. Now I can look beyond your purple uniform and see the gorgeous woman inside. Let’s make wild passionate love while watching the Ashes.’

‘Owe yais Dorc. I see yeur reputation ais a formidable batsmen is waill deserved. Whart dailivery! Yew carn taike mai wicket any daye.’

‘Yes Tegan. I always play silly mid on.’

..............................................................................

Deleted orgy scenes involving Katy Manning and some horny Daleks

Hilarious out takes and goofs including:


The one where Paul McGann and Chris Eccleston and beat up Colin Baker for being a poncy panto git.

The one where Russell tells Sylvester McCoy he will have to wear the question mark jumper and he runs away screaming.

The one where Liz Sladen falls over, sprains her ankle for real and screams in agony, Tom Baker stands around pissing himself laughing until Liz knees him in the groin.

The one where Paul McGann accidentally says ‘Please help me. I don’t want to be here, but they are keeping me prisoner. Every night they tie me up and lock me in the catering van. Someone for the love of God call the police’ instead of ‘I know. Why don’t we try reversing the polarity of the neutron flow? That should stop those pesky Daleks’.

The one where Sarah Sutton accidentally acts.

The one where the Brigadier accidentally says ‘Ahh the Doctor... total twats, all of them’ instead of ‘splendid chaps, all of them’.

The one that was used as evidence at the trial.

The one where Russell T Davies realizes that for the last two days Tom Baker has been paying Jon Culshaw from Dead Ringers to stand in for him and Tom has actually been down the pub.

Commentary by the cast where they sit around going they can’t believe how shyte it really was, their careers are doomed and they will end up doing Big Finish audio dramas.

A Really Boring Documentary By the Music Guy Where He Sits Around And Tells You He Just Took The Old Theme And Ran It Through A Synthesizer - And - Isn't That Amazing.

An Even More Boring Documentary By The Special Effects Guy Where He Sits Around And Tells You How He Had To Digitally Remaster Chris Eccleston's Ears And Tom Baker’s Ego So They Would Fit In Frame.

'Oh God Kill Me Now', the making of The Nine Doctors by Russell T Davies

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'Oh God Kill Me Now': The Making of The Nine Doctors Documentary

DAY 1

DOWN AT THE DOCTOR WHO HQ AT THE BBC PRODUCER RUSSELL T DAVIES AND HIS ASSISTANT TREVOR ARE EMBARKING ON THE LONG PROCESS OF MAKING THE ANNIVERSARY SPECIAL THE NINE DOCTORS...

Assistant: 'Mr Davies, are you free?'

Russell: 'Yes I am, and let's lose the camp stereotyping please. Just because I am a pooftah doesn't mean I can't make cutting edge Doctor Who for the kiddies. John Nathan Turner did it for years and there was no detrimental effect on the show. Now - what do you think: Question mark boxer shorts for Chris or a question mark bra for Billie?'

DAY 2

THE WRITER IS NOT HAPPY...

Writer: ‘Look Rus. We haven’t ironed out the script yet. I am worried.’

Russell: ‘Oh come on Paul. I am up to my eyeballs in Doctors and screaming assistants. Just do what you always do: Mysterious stranger known only as - bla bla bla - evil ‘one characteristic’ monsters - bla bla bla - some sort of fan wank - bla bla bla - the Brigadier – blab la bla - the Doctor does something really clever: The End. We will work around it.’

‘But Paul – this time: No Screaming.’

DAY 4

RUSSELL PONDERS THE PROBLEMS OF CASTING...

Assistant: 'Rus there is a definite problem. I have looked into it and William Hartnell, Patrick Troughton and Jon Pertwee are dead. There was a report that Tom Baker might be dead also, but we checked and he is just passed out dead drunk on the couch.'

CASTING PROBLEMS SOLVED...

The decision is made that the parts of the William Hartnell, Patrick Troughton and Jon Pertwee will be played by sock puppets. The creator of Sooty is called in to advise on production. There is even speculation that Basil Brush could be cast as the master.

RUSSELL GIVES A PRESS CONFERENCE...

‘It was of course difficult to find actors who can tastefully and respectfully take over the roles of these three fine actors. I am proud to announce that Sooty will play the First Doctor, Sue will play Jon Pertwee’s Doctor and Sweep will take on the role of the Second Doctor. I am sure that these actors will perform wonderfully in their roles and that no one will notice the difference. Wot with the long runningness of this show with any luck anyone old enough to have actually seen these Doctors will be dead – or should be.’

IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE..?

Assistant: ‘Colin Baker – yes, Sylvester McCoy – yes, Peter Davison – yes after I reminded him we knew where he lived and didn’t he have such a charming family – pity if anything were to happen to them, Tom Baker – yes, but only if you set most of his scenes in a pub and everyone calls him Rasputin on set, Chris Eccelston – yes, Chris Eccleston’s ears – yes, Paul McGann – no, no no, absolutely not, the chances of you getting me back into that wig are less than zero, in fact I am about to shave my head and go on holiday to an undisclosed location - so you will never find me.’

Russell ‘Oh dear... (picks up phone). Michael Burke? Michael luv, I need your help. Get on to Bruno and Bruiser. I’ve got a tricky one for you...’

AN UNWELCOME VISITOR...

'Come on Russell.'

'No! I saw Shalka.'

'I could play William Hartnell.'

'You couldn't play a bloody tambourine Richard.'

DAY 7

TROUBLE AMONG THE CAST...

Assistant: 'Rus, we have had a complaint from Peter Davison.'

Rusell: 'What he feels that his hugely successful acting career is being demeaned by working with sock puppets?'

Assistant: 'No he is fine with that, but he does have a problem with working with Colin Baker.'

DAY 10

FILMING BEGINS, BUT ALL IS NOT WELL. THE DIRECTOR AND THE WRITER HAVE A MEETING...

Director: ‘Paul luv, do you really think it was wise to give a line that reads ‘There are six Silurian spaceships shrouded behind the seven suns of Sarcasterix’ to Sylvester McCoy?’

MORE TROUBLE WITH THE TALENT...

Casting Director: ‘Rus, we have a problem. McGann’s escaped again.’

Russell: ‘How’d he do it this time?’

Casting Director: ‘Chewed through the ropes and ran off.’

Russell: ‘Oh for pity’s sake. He can’t have got far. Take the cricket bat and a sack and go and get him back.’

DAY 16

ON SET...

Colin: ‘What’s the delay?’

Sylvester: ‘Sooty’s drunk as a lord again. Can’t remember any of his lines.’

Colin: ‘That never stopped us before. If Doctor Who stopped every time a Doctor couldn’t remember their lines it would have been cancelled in 1964. I don’t know what this new BBC is coming to. Bring back Michael Grade I say.’

Sylvester: ‘Err? Colin have you been down the pub?’

DAY 17

I INTERVIEW THE DOCTORS...

Interviewer: ‘What is that Sooty? Pass the gin.’

............

Tom Baker: ‘Well of course I have absolutely no idea who any of these people are. Take that chap with the ears. They said he was the Doctor and I said no I’m the Doctor, but you can call me Rasputin in private. Though I must say Jon Pertwee, William Hartnell and Pat Troughton are a lot furrier than I remember them.’

............

Paul McGann (sitting on the floor in front of three large sound guys and reading from a piece of paper): ‘I am enjoying my stay here. I would like to reassure all my family and friends that I am being treated well and that I am very happy to be a part of this historic production... please get me out of here... ahh no... no... I’ll be good – just don’t put me in the Dalek again... ahh’

Casting Director: ‘Lovely chap, so cooperative.’

..........

Sylvester McCoy: ‘Well it is nice to be back on set. I haven’t really done all that much they cancelled the show in 1989 – well apart from a bit of gardening.’

..........

Christopher Eccleston: 'Did I mention I was from the North?'
 
..........
 
 
DAY 21

Russell: ‘No luv, that is not a sock puppet. That is Sylvester McCoy. So stop trying to stick your hand up him.’

DAY 293

THE FINAL SHOT HAS BEEN SHOT AND RUSSELL GATHERS THE CAST AROUND HIM FOR A FINAL SPEECH...

Russell: ‘And I would just like to say a big thankyou to all the wonderful cast who have made this nine month shoot a living nightmare and given me an idea of what the agonies of childbirth might be like. Now we can all go home and get stonkered.’

IN A JUBILANT MOOD EVERYONE RUSHES FOR THE PUB

Voice: ‘Hey guys...’

Russell: ‘Oh yes, can someone let McGann out of that Dalek.’

THE LAUNCH OF THE SHOW

THE ENTIRE CAST ARRIVE AT THE FIRST EVER COMPLETELYMADEUPTICON TO LAUNCH THEIR NEW BOOKS... ER SORRY – TO LAUNCH THE NINE DOCTORS...

BUT IN THE SPIRIT OF FLOGGING MERCHANDISE HERE ARE SOME OF THE WONDERFUL AUTOBIOGRAPHIES ON OFFER...

‘No, If You Watch Vengeance on Varos Again I Think You Will Find That I Was Actually Rather Good and Definitely Not Just a Fat Irritable Homicidal Git in a Stupid Coat’ by Colin Baker.

‘It Was All John Nathan Turner’s Fault: The Story Behind Why Doctor Who Went Down The Toilet’ by Paul Cornell.

‘Tying Mathew Waterhouse Up And Trying to Drown Him: Behind the Scenes on Doctor Who During The Peter Davison Years’ by Janet Fielding.

‘I Hated Mathew Waterhouse Too’ by Peter Davison.

‘We All Hated The Spotty Little Oink’ by Sarah Sutton.

‘I Was Blind Drunk When I Married Him’ by Lalla Ward.

‘I Was Blind Drunk – All the Time’ by Tom Baker.

‘Oh Yeah Baby, Let The Neutron Flow: Sex, Orgies and Ogrons – The Making of The Nine Doctors’ by Sue.

‘The Little Fellow is Perfectly All Right Thank you Very Much: Filling Patrick Troughton’s Trousers’ by Sweep.

‘Who is Tom Baker – No really... if someone has any information on what I was doing between 1975 and 1979 could they please contact me’ by Tom Baker.

I INTERVIEW BIG FINISH PRODUCER GARY RUSSELL WHILE HE SUPERVISES PAUL MCGANN BEING TIED TO A DALEK FOR A PHOTOSHOOT (Go check out the Gallifrey One 2004 pictures if you don’t believe me)...

Interviewer: ‘Has Doctor Who’s return to television affected the Big Finish audio productions?’

Gary: ‘No, not at all. Audio is the perfect medium for when the actors get old, fat and can’t remember their lines. Just drag em into the studio, stick a script in front of them and away they go.’

McGann: ‘Gary - can you please untie me. This is starting to remind me of that scene from Alien 3 - only scarier.’

Gary: ‘Nonsense Paul. The Paul McGann Estrogen Brigade don’t have acid for blood. Now where was I – oh yes – washed up old actors - We are getting new and exciting guest stars from Doctor Who all the time. We just have to wait until all the guest appearances on The Bill have dried up, they get desperate and then they’ll do it for a fiver and some scotch finger biscuits.’

McGann: ‘Gary, they are getting closer.’

............................................................................................................

THE STORY IS SHOWN TO THE EXTATIC CROWD OF 259 PEOPLE AT COMPLETELYMADEUPTICON. AFTERWARDS I TALKED TO THE FANS...

Fan dressed as Colin Baker’s Doctor: ‘Oh my! That made Timelash look good.’

Fan dressed as Sylvester McCoy’s Doctor: ‘No, that made The Three Doctors look good.’

Fan dressed as Peri: ‘I rather liked it.’

Fan dressed as Sylvester McCoy’s Doctor: ‘Oh you always say that Barry.’

Fan dressed as Colin Baker’s Doctor: ‘But the great thing about this for Doctor Who fans is that it gives us something totally new to bitch about. I mean that is what being a Doctor Who fan really is all about – insulting the actors and trashing the show. That has what makes Doctor Who fandom special for so many people over the years – it is a total bitch fest.’

RUSSELL GIVES HIS FINAL PRESS CONFERENCE ON THE NINE DOCTORS

‘The bloody thing is all yours. Never mention it in my presence again.’

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THE END


Oh yeah: Warning – if you like Doctor Who, Doctor Who actors, gay people or sock puppets this DVD release may offend - so um – don’t read it. I probably should have put that first shouldn’t I?

Notes:

Dead Ringers is a British comedy show and on it Jon Culshaw does a spiffing Tom Baker impersonation.

I don’t know if BBC news presenter Michael Beurk is really as ‘well connected’ and nasty as they make him on Dead Ringers, but it seemed funny to me at the time to include him.

John Nathan Turner did in fact write the script for The Nine Doctors – via ouji board.