DIY Sheep versus Doctor Who and everybody else

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Seventh Doctor fan wank.

A Broken Wheel
I thought I probably should explain this rather peculiar take on Doctor Who. I stumbled across a novel called Lungbarrow that dealt with the Doctor's family and his family home - Lungbarrow. Although I generally prefer Sylvester McCoy's sporadic and cryptic comments about his heritage, this book showed a really disturbing side of Galifreyan society. Apparently the family was so annoyed when the Doctor left they buried the entire house complete with the entire family inside. And I'm am not too sure, but I think they might be eating each other. So if you thought the Time Lords were a bunch of hyper intelligent pan dimensional beings with a passion for Brockian Ultra-Cricket. er sorry, wrong story. So if you though the Time Lords were the bunch of supercilious frock wearing guys from the Tom Baker era, think again. In Lungbarrow they seem to be a bunch of subterranean psychotics eyeing each other off as the next meal. So I thoughts to meself one day: Just imagine what they would do to the Doctor if they got their hands on him after all these years?

His hands shook as he struggled to hold them straight above his head. He tried to look ahead and focus on nothing, but he could feel the weight of the stares of his cousins.

"Please no Honoured House Mother" he whispered to the woman.

"So now you beg" She smirked. "Now you are held fast and there is nothing up those ridiculous sleeves of yours. Now you ask me for mercy?"

He was standing in the great hall, arms raised above his head, secured by a drudge who held his lower arms in grips of wood. They had taken off his jacket, vest and tie and he stood awaiting his punishment according to the dictates of the house.

The agony of the humiliation tore at him. He knew it would be many hours until he was punished. Until then he would stand as a reminder in the great hall while cousins looked over him with curious contempt in their eyes.

He had suffered this fate once before, many years ago. He had survived it then and he would survive it now. How much worse could it get?

Ace crashed into the hall. "What have you done with him?" she bellowed as she pushed aside the cousins. Then her eyes fell on the Doctor. "Professor, what have they done to you?" she asked.

"Ace. please" he whispered. "Please go away for a few hours and I'll explain everything. It's a family matter".

"They have you tied up to a tree and you are telling me it's a family matter?" she asked with incredulity.

Thirteenth Cousin Erganian came forward. "Mistress Ace. If you will come with me, I will explain everything" he said smiling at the Doctor as he ushered her away.

Despairing the Doctor slumped forward in his bonds. He closed his eyes. It had just got worse. Perhaps he should take their offer. One thousand years working in the archives could be bearable he thought. More bearable than the possibility of being locked up for ever, better than Ace seeing him like this.


Sometime later he was recounting the Albertonian alphabet backwards when he felt a thump on the floor and he felt something grab his right leg and hold it tight. It was a wonderful feeling.


"Yes Ace?"

"They are scumbags."

"Yes Ace."

"Is it going to hurt much?"

"Yes Ace."

There was a long pause.

"I am not going anywhere."

"Thanks Ace."

Sometimes, he thought, it was nice to have a friend.


The clock struck and the cousins murmured excitedly.

He was dragged over to the table and bent over it, held fast by the drudges and unable to move an arm or a leg.

The Housekeeper passed her cane to the drudge and he swung it a few times in practice, listening to the whistling sound it made as it cut through the air.


Afterwards he was dragged upright. He struggled to focus through the pain. He hurt so badly. He didn't remember it hurting this badly last time. He didn't think he would have been able to stand if not for the drudges holding him up. Stranthorpe came over.

"Well boy. will you apologise now?" she asked.

"No Housemother I will not as I have not done wrong".

The old woman looked at him with fury in her eyes.

"Place him down again and repeat the punishment".


When they pulled him up the second time he was beyond pain, his eyes wet with tears. This time he had screamed. He couldn't stop the cries from coming from his mouth.

They held him up in front of her.

"I will have them continue until I have my satisfaction boy." She looked at him quizzically. "You know you have no choice. Why do you resist? You are bound. I have laid my claim upon you and we will have you back"

He looked over to where Ace was standing. What should he do? He was the Doctor?

The old woman lost her patience. "Place him.

"No please", he shouted frantically.

"I apologise" he said, his eyes focussed on nothing, tasting nothing but defeat.

"What did you say to me boy"? The old woman said menacingly.

Fear overtook him. It took him a while to draw enough breath, but eventually he managed to stammer out the correct response.

"I apologise for my miscreant behaviour. Forgive me Honoured House Mother".


He heard the cousins murmuring, but he couldn't look up at them. He couldn't face them this time. He couldn't face Ace. He stared hard down at his feet. "I beg forgiveness Honoured House Mother."

The old woman appeared satisfied.

"Take him away" she ordered.


It took Ace two days to find him. He was in a small cupboard on the thirteenth floor in the East wing. She had been despairing of ever finding him. None of the family would tell her where he was. It was a servant who had suggested she should go east. The east wing was dusty and deserted. She had wandered around it for a half a day and was almost going to give up the tip as a ruse when she had heard the crying. It was a gentle sound. She had followed it to the dark corridor and eventually had come across the cupboard.


She had slumped down outside the cupboard door. A cursory inspection showed it was secured with a large padlock and she had no nitro nine of her.

She was faced with the difficult task of talking to the occupant.

"Are you all right Professor?" she asked the door.

"Yes Ace".

"Do you want me to get you out of there?"

She heard a small sigh. "No Ace. Its all right."

She sighed herself. Right she thought to herself. It's a family matter. Some family.


She would come and visit him every day. She felt silly talking to a cupboard door, but he seemed to enjoy her visits. She would talk to him of what she had done that day. How she had walked through the meadows and watched as the wild animals drank from the streams. She asked him questions about the animals and told him of her own stories, in fact she talked to him more through the cupboard door than she had ever talked to him face to face. Sometimes she would just talk and talk, of her sixth grade science teacher and the joys of football, never pausing for breath for fear that he would start to cry again. It hurt her to hear him cry. She knew that finally he had been beaten. Not only physically, but in every sense. They had won. She knew that on some level he probably didn't mind being locked in a cupboard because he didn't quite know how to present himself anymore.


One day he had tapped softly on the door.


"Yes Professor".

"I don't want to come out".

"I know".

"What do you mean you know?"

"I just know".

"I suppose I am going to have to come out eventually. I suppose they will have to let me out eventually."

"Yes Professor" she agreed.

"I miss the light though", he added.

"That's a start Professor".
I always thought that the first Doctor was a right cranky old geezer. Quite frankly I can understand why Ian and Barbara, apart from being truly atrocious actors (merely my uninformed opinion, not to be taken seriously and no death threats to be entertained), were rather unwilling time travelers. Personally I always thought if I were stuck in a police box with that guy I would be shirty too.

Fortunately by the seventh incarnation the Doctor had got a lot nicer. In fact we had run the gamut of personalities: The cranky one; the short one; the one who actually had to do something he had never done before - work (and cope with Jo Grant and Sarah Jane Smith: The amount of times those women sprained their ankles at inopportune times, I don't know); the even odder one with enormous teeth; the rather sweet one with a thing for celery; the homicidal maniac who used to spend an inordinate amount of the time running around trying to strangle Peri (not that I found this to be a particularly bad thing, just a little out of character for a guy who is meant to be an intergalactic do-gooder) and the really irritating smug one with the cute Scottish accent. Just think, it could have been worse. He could have been Welsh. No offence to any Welsh people and don't blame me for that one. I actually nicked the joke from General Tannis.

The upshot of all this was I felt rather guilty leaving him locked in a cupboard questioning his very sense of self. Some people have 'nice' families. Mine tend to bring out my homicidal tendencies. Not that I ever find myself locked in a cupboard questioning my identity, except at Christmas or other major holidays and this tends to be voluntary on my part. But while I may find philosophy inside small enclosed spaces more relaxing than pulling bon bons with the in-laws, I thought that it might be nice to see if I could get him out of there and wangle a happy ending. Unfortunately I read somewhere about the laws of fiction and the poor guy may have to go through a few more trying times to get to that bit.

Er. well then


Part Two: The Man with No Name

Ace didn't know what they had done to the Doctor, but she had a feeling it was more than physical. He seemed to be missing something. He seemed almost human, if that was the right word for it. No, not human she thought as she climbed the stairs to the east wing, just normal and fragile like the rest of us. Not 'The Doctor'. Not the omnipotent smug git he usually was, but then again how smug was anyone when they had been locked in a cupboard for god knows how long.


She had reached the corridor when she saw the House Mother at the Doctor's cupboard. She ducked around a corner and watched.

The House Mother unlocked the padlock to the cupboard door with a large brass key.

"Out." She ordered

Squinting at the unaccustomed light he crawled painfully out into the corridor. He was disheveled, hungry and filthy.

He started to rise, but the House Mother brought her cane down across his back and drove him back down again.

"You still forget yourself boy"; she said planting the cane firmly between his shoulder blades, pinning him to the floor.

"So you have really done it?" he asked.

"Yes. I have invoked my right and claimed you. You are now my property. You are now bound to this house. When you betrayed it you forfeit everything. Even your ridiculous name is now gone. Your history and identity has been wiped from the records. You cannot leave for you exist only by my sufferance and trust me - you will exist by my sufferance."

She dug the cane into his back. "So remember your place boy. Keep your eyes down and behave yourself." She turned to go but stopped.

"And get yourself cleaned up. You are filthy. You truly are a disgrace to the family," she spat as she stalked down the corridor.

After she had gone he lay unmoving on the dusty floor watching disinterestedly as his breath gently moved the dust back and forth.

Ace slowly approached him.


He squeezed his eyes tightly shut.

"Please Ace. Leave me alone." He whispered in anguish.

"Why? What did that she do to you?"

"I can't talk to you anymore."

"Why not?"

"She has claimed me."


"She's taken my name."

"What do you mean, taken your name?"

"It's a family thing." He explained softly.

"Er, right? I brought you a sandwhich?"

"Thanks Ace."


The days blurred.

"Hold out your hands. Are they clean?"

He tentatively obeyed. He knew what would follow.

The slap was expected, but as always, hurt.

"Filthy. Clean yourself up."

He bowed his head. "Yes Honoured House Mother." He hurried away, remembering a time when he had been too slow and she had got the drudges to scrub his hands until they bled.


The House Mother shook him vigorously by the collar as she dragged him along in her wake.

She was engaged in her favourite past time:

"You are an ungrateful wretch. You always have been one. Why you were taken in I will never know. Your mother was just as bad as you."

He started to protest: "Please Honoured House Mother. I will do better."

She stopped and with the surprising strength threw him to the ground. "You will do better will you? We should have known nothing good would come of taking you in. You are a degenerate, just like your mother." With that she lifted her cane.

Sandala watched. It was akin to watching a whipped dog being beaten. The House Mother brought her cane down again and again but he didn't make a sound. The beating was interspersed with a lecture denigrating everything from his heritage to his miserable table manners.

She knew the man by sight, but she didn't know who he was. She had seen him often around the house, but no one was allowed to talk to him. She had heard the rumours about him and the cousins gossiping, besides he didn't even look like a cousin from the House of Lungbarrow.

She waited until the House Mother had gone before approaching him. He was attempting to stand, but when he saw her a look of panic crossed his face and he crouched down in front of her.

She tried to look haughty.

"What is your name?"

"I have no name Honoured Mistress."

"Look at me."

He slowly raised his head, but would not look directly at her. She took in his gaunt haunted eyes and his ragged patched clothes. She noticed that he shook. "What was your name then?"

He swallowed hard. "Honoured Mistress. I have never had a name, nor will I have one." His eyes flickered over her shoulder. "Please excuse me Honoured Mistress as I have duties to attend to." With that he turned and fled down the corridor.

"Why are you talking to him Cousin Sandala?" asked Radovka from behind her.

"I came across him Cousin and sought his name." She replied.

Radovka laughed. "But cousin. Have you not heard his story? He has no name."

"I have heard of his story cousin, but I have never heard his story from him. How can one claim to know a story truly if one has not met the storyteller?" Sandala asked.

"I would be careful Sandala. Perhaps this story is not for the telling? You saw what she did to him. No one has invoked the ancient right of claiming for millennia. She is slowly breaking him upon the wheel. Perhaps he is a warning to others, is he not?"


Sandala watched the visitor.

The visitor threw another stone into the pond then spoke loudly into the direction of the valley. "Why don't you just come out and talk to me?"

The visitor turned to directly face Sandala's hiding place. "I don't bite you know."

Feeling a little foolish Sandala came forward. "I am sorry."

Ace threw another stone. "For what?"

"The Man. He was your friend?"

The visitor angrily turned on her. "He has a name you know. His name is the Doctor. Got it? He has a name."

Another stone splashed into the pond.

"I know you from the great hall. You saw what they did to him?"

"Yes." Sandala hesitated. "And more."

"Have you seen him? Have you talked to him?" Ace asked urgently.

"I have, once."

"Every time I get near him, he calls me Honoured Mistress and then runs away."

"That is because he has lost the right of naming and is not allowed to interact with his superiors."

"Superiors. Who are his superiors?"

"Everyone." Stated Sandala.

"But why?"

"He has been claimed."

"Has that got to do with this whole name thing?" asked Ace.

"Yes. It is an old ritual, dating back to the time of Tragona. If a member of the family betrays the house, his family can bind him. They will take his past, his future and his name. He will exist only on sufferance in the house."

"And there is nothing we can do?"

Sandala thought long and hard. Cousin Radovka's words of warning echoing in her mind, but then she remembered the look on the man's face before he had fled from her in the corridor. "Mistress Ace. I am a student of the ancient laws. There may be a way."





I would just like it known that I don't quite know what the Doctor did to make everyone in Lungbarrow so annoyed with him. I am not following on from the book, just using the general idea. Perhaps that the house might have been buried for a few centuries or so after the Doctor left, but that the inhabitants didn't eat each other and somehow the house has dug itself out of its predicament. Or perhaps none of that ever happened and they are just a bunch of nasty people who really know how to hold a grudge, maybe they really liked that TARDIS, who knows with these intergalactic pan dimensional beings. Perhaps the Doctor cheated at Brockian Ultra-Cricket? Hang on. I may have lost the plot again.

Whatever the reason for his predicament you must have gathered by now that the family (or rather the head of it) isn't all that happy with the Doctor. Also owing to the strange laws of fiction and Time Lords, there isn't much the Doctor can do about it.

Well. Thank the Galifreyan god of Bad Headgear for Ace. and the Brigadier. What do you mean, how did I manage to get the Brigadier in this story? This is the man who once uttered the immortal line "get out of my solar system" and didn't make it sound camp. Of course the Brigadier is going to pop up. He is just what we need - a no nonsense, knock about sort of fellow with a knack for gardening. I am not too sure of the gardening part is going to come in handy, but a green thumb can never hurt (unless you have been infected by a spray painted green bubble wrappy looking monster that leaves green cling wrap trails everywhere, then you know you are in for certain death). But I am pretty sure that isn't going to happen here. "ahhhh my hand. I must put in my pocket and only take it out and look at it at the end of every episode."


The First Half of Part Three: Or Roughly Five Quarters in.



The now retired Brigadier did not look up from his paper. "Yes Doris?"

"There's something odd in the conservatory," she called

"Really dear." He said as he turned the page.

"It's a sort of blue box."

"What sort of box dear?"

"A very large blue box - with a flashing light on top."

The Brigadier sat bolt upright. "Did you say a very large blue box with a flashing light on top?"

"Yes dear. Oh Hello? Now a young lady has just emerged from it. Oh it is Ace dear." She called. "Hello Ace. Lovely to see you again. Do you always travel by blue box?"


"Not too sure how I did it actually. I had a key and then I sort of asked it nicely", explained Ace as to how she had managed to arrive in their conservatory and crush three new petunia plants. "It seemed to know what to do."


Time to round up an army

She rang the doorbell.

"That's not a dog."

"Yes it is."

"No it bloody well isn't. That looks like something the Doctor built."

"Oh dear lord. Not you too. Come in."


"Are you inquiring about the guy with the enormous amount of teeth and the jellybabies or the guy with the cape?" she asked.

"Well actually this one is rather short and for some reason has a Scottish accent, but I think we may be talking about the same guy?"

"Irritating?" asked Sarah.

"Irritating." Ace confirmed.

Relieved, Sarah introduced herself: "I am Sarah Jane Smith."

"My name is Ace."

"I am K9". Sarah kicked K9 in the side. "You don't have to introduce yourself to everyone K9. Remember what happened after you introduced yourself to those Mormans?"

K9's ears drooped. "Yes Mistress. It was 'poop poop' not good."

Ace brightened up. "And, the Brig is about too."

Sarah Jane smiled. "The Brigadier?"

"Yep. He's out securing something. Might a perimeter or an area or something. He seemed very keen on securing it. Personally I just think he didn't want to get a parking ticket."

Sarah Jane laughed as she headed for the kitchen. "You wait for the Brig while I put the tea on."


The Brigadier tried to look his most imposing. He stood over the map table, well actually his kitchen table, and looked at his troops - two girls, a tin dog and his wife Doris acting as the catering corps. He didn't mind. He had worked with worse before. "So what are we looking for?"

"Andromie was the Doctor's mother, but she died around the time he was born." Said Ace as she recounted the story Sandala had told her. "We don't know how or why she died, but there were rumours about her liaison with an Earth man. We don't know who he is, but we do know that Andromie spent a period of time on Earth, in London to be exact. So, it's simple really. All we have to do is find the guy."

"The guy?" asked the Brigadier. "All we have to do is find 'the guy' - in a city of nine million. And you do realise Miss Ace that these are Time Lords we are talking about. What makes you think this is even the right era. She could have visited Earth during the Ice Age for all we know." He exclaimed.

Ace smiled up at him. "Ahh yes Brig," she said happily as she watched him wince when she used the nickname. "But did the Ice Age have a suburb called Romford? Sandala checked it out and all she could find out about Andromie's stay on Earth was that while she was here she had written a book, a book called 'A History of Essex County'. We find the book, we find her, we find him."

"But why is it so important to find his near family?" interrupted the catering corps as she came over with a fresh pot of tea.

"Its all got to do with Time Lord law," said Sarah Jane from the table. "K9 filled me in. Apparently his relatives have claimed him under an ancient law of the house, but if we can find his nearest relatives they would have a priority claim over him, sort of like bankruptcy law I think."

Ace chimed in. "So if we find his dad or his family then we can legally, er 'get custody' of him."

"Why can't we just rescue him?" asked the Brigadier.

K9's ears were waggling furiously. "Not possible." He intoned. "The ancient right of claiming means that he is marked 'out of time'. With no name, past or future the family could track him down where ever he went."


Ace couldn't believe her eyes.

"You're a Time Lord aren't you?" she asked the tall stranger standing in the non-fiction section of the Tunbridge Wells Municipal Library.

"Yes, yes I am", he said distractedly as he nosed through his book. He sighed and closed the book. "Oh dear. I wasn't supposed to say that was I?"

"It's the frock coat you know." Said Ace.

"What do you mean 'it's the frock coat'? What is wrong with my tailoring?" he asked indignantly. "It's the height of fashion."

"Yeah - for 1843" Ace replied. "But it looks pretty weird in 2003."

"Oh as if you can disclaim," he said scornfully, looking down at her. "Considering I can see a patch on your jacket that clearly 'dates' from another dimension."



"So what are you doing here?"

"Rather an interesting story that, er well actually it's not really. I don't actually know. I just have this bit of paper which says:

'Dear Binky

27th October 2003, Earth, Tunbridge Wells Library, non-fiction section, third shelf from the end' - then don't forget to pop round and save the Trimantua Cluster of Sirguis Six from those nasty Gremarions.

Taa, Twinkle'

No idea what it's about though, apart from the bit about the Gremarions: They really are a nasty little bunch of scruffy oinks."

"Perhaps it was something about a book?" prompted Ace.

"What book?"

"The book that I have been to seventeen libraries to find. The book that in seventeen libraries has been missing or destroyed."

"Oh! That book!" Exclaimed the Time Lord. "Or rather, this book." He continued, holding up the book he had been reading. "I did wonder why it has been in my pocket for five hundred years: 'A History of Essex County'. Not really very stimulating reading, but informative, in a pedestrian sort of way. If you are interested in Essex that is mind you."

He waggled the book in front of her. "Now, this is my personal copy, signed by the author herself." He exclaimed proudly. "So don't damage it."

She held the book up and smiled: 'A History of Essex County'. "Thanks Binky."


They all peered at the dedication in the book.

"I don't believe it", said the Brigadier in amazement. "Apparently the Doctor's father was called 'Gerald'.

"Not a very exotic sounding name, is it", agreed Sarah.

"It's a bit naff, if you ask me", said Ace.





 Little Help from an old Enemy

Ace was tired and dispirited. For months they had been trying to find the mysterious Gerald, but there seemed to be no record of him. Ace yawned as she turned the pages of the newspaper. This had been the Brig's idea: A last resort - search the old papers for anything unusual. She threw the paper down in disgust: Nothing.


A voice: "If I may make a suggestion?"

She looked up. "You?"

"Yes me. Look, I would do the whole spiel, but I don't have time to be evil or menacing right now. I am late for an appointment."

"Who with?"

"Andre, my hairdresser, if you must know. And then Tannis and I are going for a boy's night out. However that is not important right now. What is, is the Doctor - 32 Midlands Drive."

"What do you mean?" asked Ace.

He looked exasperated. "I am trying to help."


"Because, quite simply, my life is no fun without knowing that that little pansy isn't out there somewhere trying to foil my plans."


He reached for the tissue compressor. so tempting! "Oh for Lord's sake, didn't you pay any attention to his sanctimonious speeches about good versus evil? Never mind girl, just remember the bloody address." With that he was gone.


32 Midlands Drive:

They knocked on the front door.

Rather bizarrely she was the spitting image of him. Ace, Sarah and the Brigadier turned and smiled at each other.


"Dora, we need you to do something a little out of the ordinary for us."

"What dear?"

"We need you to travel in time and space and help rescue your nephew."

"Well if you put it that way dear. How can I refuse?"


Dora took a deep breath. "So you say these people are the masters of time? Well, I suppose there is no time like the present?" Then she marched into the room with Ace, the Brigadier and Sarah behind her.

"My name is Dora Elizabeth Evans from 32 Midlands Drive, Romford and I have come to claim my nephew", she stated to the fifteen astonished Time Lords who had turned to look at her.


He had hurried to the summons, but when he saw them all starring at him he started to back out of the room, only to bump into someone.

He curled up in fear and started to stammer out apologies while trying to back away, but a hand grabbed his collar and held him fast.

He expected pain, but was surprised when a soft voice whispered in his ear. "Hey, Professor. It 's ok."


"I'd like you to meet someone", she said as she lead him through the cousins.

"This is Dora."

He looked around in confusion before addressing the floor in front of her. "Hello Honoured Mistress."

Dora looked at him sadly. "Oh boy. What have they done to you?" She asked.


The House Mother looked out the window to the meadow.

"I always thought you were a savage of spirit Mistress Ace."

"Yeah, well I am, and I am taking him. And there is not a thing you can do to stop it, cos its kosher according to your rules."

The House Mother turned. "But how did you accomplish it?" she asked.

Ace smiled. "I had a bit of help from some old friends, some enemies".


"So tell me about him?" he said looking out of the window at number 33 Midlands Drive and its remarkably similar neighbours.

Dora put down her teacup. "Well. Your father, my brother. He was something of a homebody you know. He liked nothing better than a nice cup of tea and he was very partial to those little biscuits with the pink icing."

The Doctor sat back, sipped his tea and listened to Dora talk. And, he realised, he didn't mind those little biscuits with the pink icing either.